Hey, did you assholes know that I write stuff? Yeah, okay. I know you know that I write great stories about my own and other dongs (I retroactively pissed myself in the Field Museum yesterday in a rush to put away my junk and get to the dinosaurs so my kid could bask in their glory before our parking meter expired…but that’s another tale for another time) and that every once in a while I wax philosophical about dying and seizing the day and that kind of crap, but did you know that I also do freelance copywriting for marketing agencies, publicity firms, various record labels, freelance design people and other companies that produce shit (like furniture or cool outfits or whatever)? Did you know that?
I figured that most of you didn’t. So I decided to tell you. Do YOU need to hire a copywriter to spruce up your dumb ad or make your bio sound like you’re not a dork? Then I’m your guy. Sure, I can be conversational and crass (see the four hundred plus page writing sample that you’re currently reading) BUT! I’ve also written copy for national print ads, scripts for internal company instructional videos, business proposals, company bios, press releases and light erotic fan fiction about Dinosaur Train and more. It’s true, folks. Mrs Pteranodon is a hot piece of tail, after all.
Now, I know most of you are seventeen year old pimply teens and huge breasted beautiful women who don’t really need to work, but for the other 3 or four of you that actually have jobs and function in society, I’m guessing that you’re thinking something along the lines of: Oh my god! Of course I’m gonna farm out some great projects to Beex. He’s the perfect voice of my new (pet store/vegetarian magazine/liquor brand/dildo concern/graphics company/etc) but that’s not all! Every bit of business that comes my way frees up my time, as the more money I make writing, the more I will need to make time for writing, which means the more I will need to hire a nanny which means (brace yourselves) the more time I will have to write and record more music for you turds. Now, I’ve got four songs demoed, but man, I could have a record out by now if it wasn’t for these meddling kids (shakes fist).
So yeah. There you go. All your copy needs: solved and in less than half the time it took you to take that morning dump. You can contact me via the email address on my profile, which is linked just to the right on this very page.
No. Thank YOU.