Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Listen up!

Hey, did you assholes know that I write stuff? Yeah, okay. I know you know that I write great stories about my own and other dongs (I retroactively pissed myself in the Field Museum yesterday in a rush to put away my junk and get to the dinosaurs so my kid could bask in their glory before our parking meter expired…but that’s another tale for another time) and that every once in a while I wax philosophical about dying and seizing the day and that kind of crap, but did you know that I also do freelance copywriting for marketing agencies, publicity firms, various record labels, freelance design people and other companies that produce shit (like furniture or cool outfits or whatever)? Did you know that?

I figured that most of you didn’t. So I decided to tell you. Do YOU need to hire a copywriter to spruce up your dumb ad or make your bio sound like you’re not a dork? Then I’m your guy. Sure, I can be conversational and crass (see the four hundred plus page writing sample that you’re currently reading) BUT! I’ve also written copy for national print ads, scripts for internal company instructional videos, business proposals, company bios, press releases and light erotic fan fiction about Dinosaur Train and more. It’s true, folks. Mrs Pteranodon is a hot piece of tail, after all.

Now, I know most of you are seventeen year old pimply teens and huge breasted beautiful women who don’t really need to work, but for the other 3 or four of you that actually have jobs and function in society, I’m guessing that you’re thinking something along the lines of: Oh my god! Of course I’m gonna farm out some great projects to Beex. He’s the perfect voice of my new (pet store/vegetarian magazine/liquor brand/dildo concern/graphics company/etc) but that’s not all! Every bit of business that comes my way frees up my time, as the more money I make writing, the more I will need to make time for writing, which means the more I will need to hire a nanny which means (brace yourselves) the more time I will have to write and record more music for you turds. Now, I’ve got four songs demoed, but man, I could have a record out by now if it wasn’t for these meddling kids (shakes fist).

So yeah. There you go. All your copy needs: solved and in less than half the time it took you to take that morning dump. You can contact me via the email address on my profile, which is linked just to the right on this very page.

No. Thank YOU.

33 comments:

dustyfloors said...

If only I had more than zero pull or authority at my stupid insurance desk job... If only.

Donnie said...

I'd like to see/read some examples. Are you as good as Don Draper?

Ryan said...

Not only do you write shameless advertising well but that was actually the perfect amount of time for me to take a dump.

James said...

I just watched your Dave Mustaine interview. Surely a story worthy of an entry?? "Great word selection, I see you're reaching." Haaaaaahahaha

Brittany Strummer said...

Shiiit. I work at Safeway. :/

disastermarch said...

so does that mean i can pay you to write songs for my band too?


Everything is easier when you have money!!!

Blake said...

I already hired Virtual Visor for all that junk.

Sean said...

how about you pitch this idea to Mike Burkett and maybe he'll sell one of his yachts to fund a new record?

Sean said...

Hell, that yacht is even more punk than me!

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Brendan how come we never play Nightcrawlers anymore?

jjbody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather Mattarazzzzo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-Me, Martucci said...

'Heather Mattarazzzzo'?? lmfao

Heather Mattarazzzzo said...

candice,why don't we never go ta quizno's no more?I know it's silly that I always gotta use up all yer au jus even though Im always eatin the "nasty" chicken bacon sandwich and u say that don't make no sense as far as tha flavors go and I know we aint really ate at quiznos since 07 and they probably got fancy guacamole breads now but....I'll just sauce it up to ya phone actin funny I guess......sigh

crazycarl said...

weiner dog! weiner dog! weiner dog!

1902 said...

http://hire.jobvite.com/CompanyJobs/Careers.aspx?c=qlX9Vfw6&page=job%20description&j=oMUdVfwy

Sean said...

I was looking at the application 1902 posted and some of those random questions they ask are just begging to be complemented with one of your comedically witty retorts.

Gotta stand out from the crowd, right?

Sean said...

comedically?


.... comically?

Sean said...

Did his specialist on all yacht-related inquiries ever respond?

Drunken Acorn said...

I took afternoon nap and I had a dream that BK had a new post up. I woke up, got on the computer really excited and Nope nothing. Now I'm sad, but a little happy Heather Matarazzo of The Princess Diaries fame has joined our drawer and apparently she likes Quizno's. Wow, It's always interesting in the sock drawer.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Matazzzazo was like, hawt as fuck in Welcome to the Dollhouse, but I feel she really peaked getting disemboweled in Hostel II

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Yea whats up with candice's extended leave of absence anyway? Did she get butthurt and spiteful when bk acted fairly nonchalant about the whole fag list thing and even conceded it was kinda funny instead of laying into it in the way she'd hoped? Clearly what went down, just thought it'd be fun to phrase it as a 'question' for shits n giggz. Aww juss playin I'm sure it's "schoool n work n liiiiiife"

Sean said...

I wonder how the actual person behind "martucci" talks and acts in real life.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ah, that ol chestnut. I act like Jerry Lundegaard from Fargo. A real bumbling boob!

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

My boss says I can take $100 off that TruCoat Sean! That Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Brendan, ever just google "chinese idiot"? You get some delightful stuff!

Sean said...

har har har

BEEXtrix Potter said...

...for example, a simple youtube search of chinese idiot yields this savory footage of a rambunctious chinese teen getting cheeky aboard public transit!


...what a splendid chinese idiot! Delightful!

Kim-Duk Soo (See You Soon!) ? said...

Guys, Brog is up and lunning!! Thank so much! Come friendly, come all! CLICK for recess!

Nate said...

I don't have any copy needs but I'd sure give to the "Brendan Kelly Makes Music For Us" fund. Put up a donate button or something, seriously.

James said...

playa do.

James said...

NO FOO RETIAH

James said...

LATE