Friday, January 14, 2011

Which one of these means 'big wang?'

For the past day or so the dorkosphere and presumably the booths at the county fair that sell dream catchers and healing stones have been abuzz with the news that someone in Minnesota has figured something out and corrected the zodiac calendar. Not only does this mean there’s a whole new astrological symbol that many people have been unwittingly existing under since the days of the frost giants and titans, old, leathery women draped in scarves have been whispering to each other, BUT! It’s pretty much re-organized the whole fucking thing, and now everyone is just finding out for the first time that they’re a whole different zodiac sign! People are outraged! Former proud Leos are now nothing but pig dicked Cancers, and uh…so forth. I mean, first a little girl is senselessly killed in Arizona and now this! What kind of a fucking depraved shitscape are we out here dying in anyway? Up is down, day is night, cats and dogs are living together and out there on twitter and facebook, female humans are FURIOUS and confused about this new turn of events, or more accurately, this new attention to detail that repaints an ancient and highly respected calendar in totally different strokes. People don’t know who they are anymore, man!

Well, yeah. Okay. I was once a virgo. This made a ton of sense as I’m highly fastidious and organized, very clean, kind of anal retentive and sensible and above all, a virgin. Well, turns out I’m a leo now, which makes no sense because, well…see above. I’m a virgo, bro. These highly vague character traits that don’t apply to me at all are what I’ve been raised to believe are my uh…celestial ingredients and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna go changing that now. I’m like Tarzan, man. If my mom’s an ape and my dad’s an ape and all my friends are apes, you’re not just gonna come along when I’m in my thirties and tell me that suddenly I’m a man! I’m a virgo (ape) not a man (leo)! Get out of my jungle! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYYAAAAA!

‘But wait!’ Some of you may be saying, ‘you (and I’m [you’re] talking about ME here) actually DO posess more of the traits of a leo. You are, in fact a GREAT example of this thing finally righting itself and turning out to be more accurate. Besides, isn’t ANYTHING cooler than being a fucking virgin?’

Okay, firstly no. Being a virgin is really cool. According to my catechism teacher and my health teacher and my guidance counselor, being a virgin is about the coolest thing you can be, thank you very much and besides…um, it’s my identity. Was that shit about Tarzan lost on you folks? Come on! And finally, (and this final point can’t be overstated) there is absolutely NOTHING so stupid as the zodiac and putting any sort of stock in it. Sorry girls. It’s true. I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll happily go into it again, as it seems to be timely.

People obsessed with the zodiac bug the shit out of me. it’s pretty much set in stone that if I meet you and in the course of the first meeting you ask me what my sign is, I’m not gonna pay too much attention to you, nor am I gonna take anything you’ve got to say very seriously. It’s a little bit like if it came out right away that you were a scientologist or if you had to interrupt our conversation to take a call from your pet psychic. It’s just uh…it’s not by any means a HATABLE offense, but it’s kind of an eye roller for sure. If you, in trying to get to know me, want to plug in your data regarding my sign, our compatibility as friends and my potential character strengths and weaknesses well…I’ve got a pretty good notion of our compatibility already. I don’t tend to hang out with people that obsess over wack bullshit that’s the dominion of sixty something divorced women who can fake gypsy accents and have no marketable skills and who therefore operate businesses out of their living rooms while smoking and watching CSI. So yeah.

Now, to take this a step further, when you (and you are ALWAYS either a girl or a really femme gay dude in my experience [not that there’s not some big burly bearded dude with a thermos out there talking about this somewhere, but I just haven’t met him yet]) explain your own actions by way of your zodiac sign, well, I’m gonna dislike you. “Oh, yeah, again, I’m a Pisces so I’m really impulsive so I just went right up to her and….” is a great example of a way that one may express this and about when I stop listening entirely.

I mean, is there a more concise way to broadcast your wack ideas about what’s cool and your stupidity simultaneously? I guess a juggalo face tattoo does a pretty good job of that…and you almost certainly smell worse if you’re the kind of person who has a juggalo face tattoo…Huh. I guess I’m kind of stumped here…Listen, my point stands. If you’re the kind of person that feels very strongly that you’re guided by the stars (and that you can use that as an explanation as far as why you’re so impulsive/headstrong/stubborn whatever) then you’re a dork. Oh, and this is also true for people who say things like “yeah, Steve would rather sit home and stew than be out with us at this place because last month they wouldn’t put on the chargers game for him.”
“Oh my god! He’s such a Taurus!”
“That’s what I told him as I was leaving!”
Suck a dick, folks. Suck. A. Dick. That’s what I’ve got to say about that.

Now, finally, as I wind this whole thing down, I’d like to point out that since the entire celestial calendar is a bunch of pseudoscience bullshit akin to auras, female orgasms, talking dogs, dungeons and dragons and dentistry, that you need not really worry about the fact that the cusps have shifted. Hell, this is your big chance to just straight up seize the sign you’ve always wanted. Who cares if it’s half way around that dumb circle grid thing from where you were born? It’s all complete bullshit anyway, so get out there and become a Cancer if you want to (because, let’s face it…who doesn’t want to be called ‘cancer’? it’s a great way to identify yourself [n.b. there’s probably something to the notion [that I’m just coming up with right now] that while people that are ‘cool’ signs like aquarius and leos and shit are probably a little more likely to be into the zodiac, people who are cancers probably put a lot less stock in it. Just a theory.

Anyway, I’m a Leo now, which means I’m brash and I just stop doing things when I get bored. I’m on to the next thing like a motherfuckin

31 comments:

Donnie said...

Good thing I follow the Chinese calendar....

Jerky said...

I got the new one. Awesome!

Ophiuchus is thought to attract good luck and holds lofty ideals, while seeking peace and harmony. Those born under the Ophiuchus sign are said to be curious, passionate, with a thirst for knowledge and sometimes, an explosive temper.

Steve said...

If BK has something against the Chargers...heads are gonna roll.

Also get your music videos up into iTunes. People will buy them and you will make money. You're always looking for funding, and that's an untapped revenue stream right there.

limited nobility said...

how long do you think it would take you to choke out that ryan manno character from jbtv?ya know,If you were forced into a mano-a-manno situation?fun twitter game-go to that blushing gerbil's(Ryan manno) twitter page,his background is a heinous collage of him posing with celebs,anyway see if you can spot the one celeb that ryan is taller than......ok,big hint that celebs last name is STUMP

jackson said...

Man, im a fish now? Thats weak as all hell. Felt a bond with aries and growing up next to a farm with tons of goats. Oh well, maybe ill be a better swimmmer now. Whatevs, have a good weekend fellow internerds.

paco! said...

just thinking about all those now incorrect zodiac sign tattoos makes me laugh, haha.

Jesus said...

Friends FB status hours after finding out about the change...

"WTF!!!! they just go and change the astrological signs..... now im a freaking libra.... what the fuck is a libra and what am i suppose to do about my scorpion tatty???"

Robb said...

Between this hilarious new incorrect tattoo epidemic and the sheer number of high school cheerleaders named 'MacKenzie Russell' this has caused instant irrepairable psychological harm, Zodiac Switcheroo is already a guaranteed candidate for best o' 2011!

Drunken Acorn said...

All I know is that I'm a Cock in the Chinese thing and I supposed to marry a rabbit or some shit.

limited nobility said...

yeeeea all those dudes who were slaying broads left and right thanks to their "killer" zodiac sleeves are gonna be scrooooooged.......dont make sense does it?jesus,member when you wuz on that faggot list that time?scroooooooooooooged.shit aint just for the holidays anymore

dustyfloors said...

I heard that this only applies to people that are born in 2011...
So you're still the sign you were born under...
That's what I heard. I find it hard to give two shits about all this.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

who has more Zodiac tats, between Ryan Manno and Skiba? Maaan that's a bitter pill guys

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Here in London, we call avid Zodiac enthusiasts 'Starbirds'! Today I realized the foundation of my cozy flat is comprised entirely of calcified seabird feces and ground oyster shells

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Think Ryan Manno ever shouts a self-affirming "J..B...Teeeeeee-Veeeeeeeee!!" along with an awkwardly-placed punch or kung fu chop or two into his disproportionately-elegant bathroom mirror? When he's all alone? rhetorical, but it's just wonderful knowing that's something that absolutely happens

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Well, some good has come from Manno. Through his tweeter I just inadvertently found out Smoking Popes just taped a JBTV performance. Thanks, ffk! (former fat kid [obviously])

limited nobility said...

manno is the only animal that blushes-or needs to.faaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Sean said...

So last night I was visiting my girlfriend in Chicago. I parked outside her place in Lincoln Park and woke up this morning to find my car window smashed in. They took an iPod, my mixing headphones, gift cards, sweatshirts, jug of arnold palmer, pack of gum with 1 stick left, stick of cherry flavored chapstick, one replacement contact lense, a phone charger, $10 of laundry quarters, and a half eaten subway sandwich.

They also apparently took my oldddd CDs out of the door and proceeded to throw them around my car, cracking a bunch in the process. The only thing that brightened my mood was the unlikely thought of the robber angrily muttering "fucking ska bands!" while hastily "frisbeeing" them one by one around the interior of my glass-littered car.

Toto said...

Martucci, i thought the exact same thing about "Ray" Manno ( i mean the bathroom kung fu scene), and i don't really know who the fuck he is but those celebrity photos are fucking irritating, kim Kardashan?? really? and the tattoo artist wich i don't remember her name right now but Robb once said he'd fuck her mouth, all i know is i hate her. is Ryan Seacrest there too? too much...too fucking much.

ps: Free Willy.

Toto said...

"Remember Alf? He's back! In pog form!"

Toto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-Me, Martucci said...

So last night after a late viewing of 'Harsh Times' starring Christian Bale and Freddie 'still in the game!' Rodriguez, who hasn't aged since fucking Dead Presidents, I was left with a yearning for petty crime. I satisfied the itch on some random schmoe's car in the Lincoln Park district. Made off with a third gen. ipod Nano in ltd edition hot pink, some cut-rate 'skull candy' headphones, near-empty pack of electrik raspberry bubbleyum, a perfectly good half-eaten sub, lotsa change.
Found a discgear chock full of cds - just third wave ska and a well-worn copy of don henley's 'building the perfect beast' nestled amongst them. Kept it; tossed the rest around like frisbees in frustration; composed myself. As a cap off, rubbed cherry lip gloss liberally onto my nutsack--glistening moist from the rush of 'street rat' adrenaline--then nestled it between the driver's seat and center console, in hopes the tainted stick will be happened upon later. Masturbated furiously into a kleenex which I then rubbed thoroughly into the steering wh--aww hell I'm sorry Sean. Just tryin to inject some humor into that shit scenario

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Sean - that really does suck of course. I thought maybe the corny insenuation it was someone in the drawer by grand coincidence might make you laugh or something. Somehow, if you leave any electronic gizmo anywhere in the car, under a seat or in the console, "they" always seem to know. It's a sixth sense or something

Sean said...

haha... i mean, i DO always mix with skull candies.

That being said.... if I find the chapstick in between the driver seat and center console I'll have no other option than to report you to the Cyber Police, Mr. Martucci.

Sean said...

Also, in a stupidly ironic twist, the only CD that was broken beyond repair was my copy of Broken Star.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

It would be 'galactic poetry' if, during the raid, the chap stick had in fact fallen between the driver's seat and console, and, to take it a step further, a single pube was visible upon removal of the cap.

I'd also like to clarify I did not in fact watch Harsh Times last night...I made that mistake like two yrs ago

Sean said...

..... not a fan of the special haircut, eh?

Nico said...

Okay Alkaline Trio are coming over... Now Lawrence Arms HAVE to come over too, no more excuses!

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I am in fact a proponent and practitioner of the special hair cut Sean, it's just that was the only clearcut indicator I could think of that the random hood rat that ganked your shit had in fact utilized the lip gloss on his nether regions

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

...by divine coincidence with my fictional anecdote that is to say, hence galactic poetry

limited nobility said...

new popes tunes from jbtv performance up on youtube.search smoking popes 2011.my fave is the pitch perfect pop pastiche "ive got mono".For the candice types neil is playing drums and his face looks pretty thin n shit plus he's got hair so.....there's that too

Sean said...

anddddd one gold medal for you!