Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's the end of the Year as We Know It (part 2) 2010 edition!

Okay, as promised, here we are at part two of the greatest and most definitive list ever compiled with regards to 2010. I’m not gonna waste your time with an intro, as I know you’re all slathering at the bit like a bunch of horny horses with rabies looking at a horse-pussy-shaped salt lick, so here goes:

Best gay dance hit that sucks but with a little tweaking would be an awesome rock song- Raise Your Glass by Pink.

Okay, this song is so painfully lame that it almost causes me to double over. You know how the government has developed like, super measles and extra deadly ebola, or how because of our obsession with antibiotics, gonorrhea can kill you now? Um…no. Not quite the right analogy…how bout this: in food labs, scientists develop the essence of flavors, they distill it down to just a liquid that they can drop on something and make it taste and smell exactly like something else. This is a common practice for fast food places that serve you plastic food in order to make it taste like real food. In Schlosser’s super awesome (highly sensationalist) muckraking masterpiece “Fast Food Nation” he talks about this and there’s one particularly memorable passage where he mentions that the essence of green pepper is so strong that a single drop will completely flavor six or so Olympic pools worth of water. That’s what this Pink song is like, but instead of green pepper flavor, it’s lame dorkiness. It’s the most concentrated, distilled, essence of lame that’s ever been turned into soundwaves. Ever.

It’s pointless to even examine any one line because every single sentence and phrase in the song is so cringe inducingly horrendous that to isolate any one is to deny the almost sublime shittiness of all the rest of the lyrics. The chorus, however, maybe actually deserves special notice, because unlike the rest of the song, which is simply mindbendingly wack adolescent wordplay with that highly annoying ‘sass’ that has become Pink’s trademark, the chorus is literally BEGGING us, the audience, to choose this song as our anthem. It says ‘c’mon and raise your glass’ but it may as well be saying “please! Pretty please raise your glass and be partying and sing along and love this song and by extension, me! PLEASE!!!!”

And folks, that sucks in a way that shit like “if you’re too school for cool” just can’t even compete with, no matter how fucking stupid it is.

BUT!!!!!! And this is significant: The melodies in that song are fucking AWESOME. The way the verse builds, the way it coils up before the chorus, the all important third line of the chorus melody alteration, the sparkling, beautiful notes in the bridge that decays to a single a cappella line, this shit is good. It leaves me with one conclusion: Namely, that someone who really knows how to write songs wrote all the music and melodies and then Pink came in and cavemanned the words. What’s the end result? Something that sucks but that you don’t turn off. Something that you want to hum along with, because singing along with it forces you to articulate things too stupid to ever come out of your mouth.
So, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna take that dumb song’s melodies and make it into a cool song. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe you should. It’s SO close to being a great song, but as it stands now, it makes me want to beat up nerds, not drink. And that’s saying something, as I’m a heavy drinking nerd.

Best Website- Bad Sandwich Chronicles
For the third year in a row, this mustard and bloody diarrhea flavored interweb page has run away with this highly esteemed and important honor. You need dick jokes? Introspection? A long rambling near-nonsensical essay about a completely irrelevant pop song? Well, BSC is your place. Somebody should really give the genius who writes that website some money and a big, fancy contract to write a book, or spruce up their dumb writing. That’s what someone should do, all right.

Best Blog- Guess Her Muff
In this day and age, you can find almost anything on the internet. Fuck, someone just tweeted me a link to a fucking forum where people go on road trips with their fuck dolls and post photos of their fuck dolls (for example) lounging at the pool with some other wealthy masturbator’s fuck dolls. So there you go. There’s nothing left. Officially.
However, in the midsts of this cyber hellscape of depravity, there’s a shiny beacon, a place where the simple pleasures of seeing a woman clothed, and then seeing her pussy are highlighted. They aren’t the fanciest place on the internet. They’re doing something very simple and they’re doing a hell of a job. Think of it as the In N Out Burger of internet porn.

Best place to send pictures of your tits/beaver/balls-Bad Sandwich Chronicles
Come on. Did this even need to be said? Have I EVER betrayed any of your trust and posted the pics of your clams/tits/dicks that I get? Of course not. That would be gauche. So, so very gauche. So. Very.

Best drug- Alcohol
(to the tune of ‘The facts of Life’ theme song) It makes you sweat, it makes you fart it tears your fam-i-ly apart, it’s alcohol, and you drank it all. Your liver dies your nose explodes you get sores on your ass and choad it’s alcohol, you woke up in the hall. Cuz the world never seems to be li-vin up to your dreams suddenly you’re drinking bleach and no one’s gonna tell you what to do! Doo-oo-oo-oo-oo.

Best Movie- Um…did Avatar come out this year? No? Fuck. Well…I didn’t see any movies this year except for pornography, but that Lily Labeau seems like a nice girl. How bout something with her in it?

Year end list of the year (highly myopic. The following little essay is for true, die hard regular readers only)- Now, this was a close one, and almost always, Bad Sandwich Chronicles wins this one, but this year things are a little different. As you can see, this isn’t “Best” of the year this time. It’s just the list ‘of the year’, much in the same way Time does the person of the year and it’s been Hitler, and it’s been Mark Zuckerberg (a billionaire jew who spins the loom that weaves the fabric of society together to a degree that you’ve gotta imagine it would make Hitler pretty nervous if he was still alive [and, well…good. Because {and this is a highly controversial statement, folks} fuck Hitler. I mean, am I right? Woo. That felt good.]) and it doesn’t mean that they’re endorsing anyone or anything. It’s just a commentary on the person that seems to have stirred up the most shit for the year. Well, this year the year end list of the year goes to the guy in the sock drawer who did the list of “top Faggots” or whatever the fuck it was just before Christmas.

That’s right.

And here’s why: Firstly, there’s nothing quite so great as a community based awards ceremony. Sure, this one was mean spirited as shit, but hey, you know what? The world is mean spirited and the interworld (my own, soon to be trademarked term for the cybersphere [ooh, I’m doing that one too…] is even meaner than the real world, which is saying a lot. Now, this guy (who’s funny, but mean, and [in what I think may be a stroke of genius, but which is vastly more probably just a showcase of the weakness of his source material when spread too thin,] he’s wildly uneven in terms of quality output; something he seems to be especially unforgiving about with regards to some of the other posters) put out a list where he called a bunch of the people who post in the comment section here ‘faggots’ and gave each person a brief description regarding why they are such faggots.
He (and this guy has to be a he) then gave an ‘honorable mention’ to another group of people, who he purports to like but also mostly insulted, which, well…that’s pretty amusing. He left out my personal favorite poster (the black professor that loves little Richard) but otherwise, he did a decent job of touching on most of the regular posters down in the sock drawer and well, I appreciated the effort to create some sort of compendium of the community’s populace, even if it was kind of mean. I figured, hell, the people that read this shit are tough sumbitches. They can take a little ribbing from an anonymous internet dildo, can they not?

Sadly, the answer seems to be no. Since our friend, who’s handle suggests that he’s the ghost of the dead brother of the guy that played the one young alien that’s actually old, but who was also in inception (which uh…there’s that virtual visor guy who also seems inspired by Inception. Is there something to that? Who cares?) posted his list, the people who once posted here have vanished, scattered into the shadows like mice, or non-cannibals in a post apocalyptic Cormac McCarthy situation. There’s been no retaliation (an admittedly stupid idea, as internet fighting is like two people with Down Syndrome fighting [regardless of which side wins, both are retarded]), no sense of coming together, no witty response. Nothing. At. All. Just an immediate ‘hey! That’s mean’ and then silence. Dusty, tumbleweed ridden silence. It’s amazing. Not great. Not terrible. Simply and literally amazing.

Have you ever heard the expression “If we stop doing (blank) the terrorists win”? Probably not. It’s not really something that people just bandy about in America to justify doing any shitty, selfish thing that they want to do nowadays.
Anyway, here’s what it means: When someone’s a dick to you, and you let it change your life, you become the very definition of what they think you are: weak, cowardly and willing to sacrifice doing the things you want to do as so not to be further tormented. That, in essence is when people who torment you go “wow. That worked. They WERE soft, ineffectual pussies hiding behind their precious soft, easy lifestyles. This tormenting people shit is all right!” That’s quite a precedent to set. Is that what you want, sock drawer? Is it?

So yeah. He wins. He wins the award for list of the year. Good on ya, ghost of the brother of the guy who played the alien in the show with Jon Lithgow (highly talented, criminally underrated). You seem to have easily and handily vanquished your foes.

But for the record, I like those kids.

Okay, that’s it, folks. Come back next year for more crazy lists. Oh, and tomorrow we’ll get back to the regular program where I pretend to be outraged about something and then call someone a wiener-flosser or something.

xoxo

21 comments:

Hamilton Martin said...

now that you've acknowledged him, we'll never be rid of him

limited nobility said...

"da na na na the magic shtick/gonna put u on a faggot list" (to the tune of tutti frutii.or ya know.....that one 50cent song

Jayzilla said...

another year, another awesome wrap up..

dustyfloors said...

I myself have been away.
In a funny turn of events actually my girlfriend (yes the one that is too hot for me) and I broke up so I've been moving out of there into my buddies apartment.

What got me on the esteemed list has now both kept me away from here and has I think disqualified me from my position on the list...
Fuck.
Happy new year, Socks!

Josh said...

Or people have largely ignored him because that's what you do with attention whores, trolls and their ilk. They write things simply to evoke a reaction, if they get no reaction they leave. Sure, good trolls will be amusing while they're at it, but at the end of the day they're still just trying to piss people off and get them to engage.

If you just ignore them, they go away.

Donnie said...

I work at a school so i've been off for 2 weeks. Either way it's not the first time i've been called a faggot for knowing too much about Walt Disney.

Sean said...

I thought I made some pretty valid points in my response to Mr. Shtick.

I think a lot of people might have also been busy recently due to the holidays and having to deal with... family...

I know I have.

also, isn't the mice vanishing bad news for BSC? I mean, you do this for us, right? If there's no us, then there's no audience except the "trolls"

The Magic Schtick (Ghost of Dan Gordon-Levitt) said...

Kudos on a very fair and balanced appraisal of my faggoty, faggoty schtick. Mm 'Fair and Balanced' - where have I heard this turn of phrase? Btw I also loved the Professor or whatever, and I wanted to be sure to get at least one 'character' up there, but for me Virtual V was just the ultimate mixture of esoteric weirdness and shameless antagonism.

Hamilton - nice cliche grumpy late '20s/30-something cynicism, but if it wasn't obvious, this persona was clearly purpose-built with a specific agenda and corresponding shelf life, which has now been reached. As such no, "I" in fact won't be sticking around.

Kudos also to the small handful of 'victims' who took things well and/or seemingly accepted the patently fucking absurd nature of the faggot list with grace and understanding. Dusty/donnie/sean/robb - I'm lookin at ya.
Dusty - you were on there because there was this brief period way back where, probably by coincidence, you mentioned the gf a lot. And joked about her being out of your league or something. Literally, that's it. Although my condolences on the ending of said relationship. Women can be real faggots.

Donnie - yep, but just so long as you understand it's not "cuz Disney's fruity and feminine", but because this whole "ironic embracement of jolly childhood stuff as a twenty-something" thing has just reached an absurd saturation level in our culture of irony. It was kind of a cheat because I get the vibe you're just a genuine aficionado, but I also get the vibe you're not genuinely offended, so, ya know.

Sean - you did make some points that were sound but, true to form, also quite obvious and encroaching on no-brainer territory to anyone remotely intelligent and rational. Still, good on ya.

Josh - Thanks for the "inside scoop" on what makes trolls tick! You'd make a phenonemal hostage negotiator. "Relax, Hobson--I've seen this. Just don't give him what he w--BLAM*!

Frivolous throwaway jabs, folks. BK was spot on on one thing - sack the fuck up, people. Or ya know, faggots, if you prefer.

Adios

House said...

...and a very happy new year to all the "socks." a very very happy new year to rob. Here's hoping he makes this one a better year than the previous ones. Lord knows he needs it!

Robb said...

"Lord knows" I've no witty retort for that! Though your mother's surpisingly-well-maintained cunt did help soothe those year-end blues. If you could find a way to couple 'lord knows' with 'doofuss' in the same sentence, that'd be a real power play!

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

My god, this house character's a real faggot! If you're gonna take potshots at specific people, at least take a cue from Magic man here and make it creative n razzle-dazzle n shit! RAZZLE them! DAZZLE them! Know what movie that's from? Course ya don't, faggot.

Seagull Steve said...

Ive managed to avoid hearing this Pink song so far, but now I have a bad feeling that when I do I will pay rapt attention to it. How embarrassing.

House said...

@Rob


It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
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It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
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It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
:)

Garfield Roscoe said...

um, Slapstick confirmed for the Asian man show?
Time to book it.

Sean said...

no-brainer, perhaps, yet it's still nice to highlight things once in a while to sort of quantify what's really going on.



I'm sure you agree, Mr. List.

Sean said...

that being said, fake internet personalities was soooooooooooo 2010!



get with the times. SIMPSON'S DID IT!

limited nobility said...

maaaaaaaaaan!that house is a real doofus Wainwright!

IndianaJordan said...

im gonna be on guess her muff all night.

Kevin Burnett said...

Thank you for helping make the Asian Man Anniversary Show so potentially awesome.

crazycarl said...

I'm so glad to hear you praise guesshermuff... I've been following that blog for ages. High class stuff!

Robb said...

...my! (look of quiet, pensive concern crosses his face with the realization his 'adversary' has some sort of genuine mental deficiency)