Oscar fever, anyone?

Okay, so yesterday, before we got into the segment that I’d like to unofficially call ‘why all parents are lame,’ we were discussing the Oscars. Now, in that entry, I mentioned that I haven’t so much as seen any of the best picture contenders, which is true. BUT, then I realized that I’m so incredibly pop culture savvy that it doesn’t matter. I’ve driven the information superhighway in and out of the global village for my whole life, bro, and as such I know enough to recognize the tropes and well-worn techniques that make something “Critically Acclaimed” right? Of course I do. It’s as easy as looking at the current crop of films through the lens of the past. And that’s what I’m gonna do for you all today.

Now, I’d like to preface this exercise by saying that I’m not looking any of these films up at all, so this is the culmination of what little I already know and/or what I can guess from what little I know. In the case of movies where I have absolutely no idea what’s going on, I’m just gonna blindly guess (this means don’t get all pissy if I get stuff wrong or if my guess differs from your opinion. People love to say that comparing opinions is like comparing apples and oranges [an asinine phrase, by the way], because opinions are fundamentally different if they come from different people, but comparing opinions to guesses is like the general life-philosophy of Tommy Lee, in that it’s just fucking stupid.)

So, without any further ado, I present to you a completely (COMPLETETLY) uninformed guide to this year’s best picture Oscar Contenders:

127 HOURS- The lovely heartwarming story of a handsome guy playing an ugly guy who gets stuck in a ravine and has to hack his own arm off using nothing but a swiss army knife. It’s kind of a Passion of the Christ meets Castaway story with a tiny bit of Cliffhanger outtakes thrown in for good measure. This one’s based on true events so that could help it out, and the one-armed guy in the crowd is gonna be hard for the voters to look at if this doesn’t win, AND it also sounds like it’s generally torturous to watch (in that it vacillates between being super gruesome and unbearably slow, two things the academy seems to revere for some dumb reason). James Franco also claimed in a recent interview that he beats off like seven times a day. That’s a philosophy I can fully relate to. What?

BLACK SWAN- What was missing from Single White Female? I’ll tell you: super fruity (and subsequently highly creepy) high art undertones, chicks that were actually good looking and overt muff diving (I’ve seen neither movie, by the way). If you’re the kind of person that obsesses about the passion of highly attractive people going crazy about their various desires and the way ambition can become creepy/terrifying, OR if you just want to see simulated pussy eating and your work firewall blocks Unratedperez.com, well, this is probably worth it. This is the kind of movie you go to with a date and afterwards you don’t fuck even though you’re both pretty horny. Like Shrek 2 but for different reasons.

INCEPTION- Shit that’s super weird is always a good time, especially if it’s full of good looking people. And this movie features the extremely handsome (Leo) and the button cute (Juno) teaming up to steal things from people’s dreams or something. This movie occupies the space where big budget crap like Avatar meets highly weird shit like that one backwards movie with the Australian guy where Trinity spits into his coffee…but the big selling point of Inception is that the end apparently bums everyone out. THAT’S oscar fodder, folks. Think about this: the end of Rocky=everyone’s bummed=Oscar winner, whereas the end of Rocky IV= people are standing up cheering and punching Russians in the face due to the spontaneous outpouring of patriotic joy=didn’t even get nominated.

THE FIGHTER-Combine the desperate family pathos of pretty much any movie set in Massachusetts with the ‘pookie’ character from New Jack City and add in a little Rocky just for flavor and you’ve got the winning tale of a former Funky Bunch Member brooding around while a cracked out Batman looks on and does his best impression of Mick from the aforementioned Rocky crossed with Steven Tyler or something. Oh, I’m guessing there’s a woman that cries a lot in this one. That’s the kind of thing that you just can’t leave out when you’re talking about disappointing men. Ask my wife/mom.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT-A sloppy, dumb, predictable movie that wouldn’t even be given the time of day if it didn’t feature middle aged (gasp!) lesbians (gasp!) living a fairly happy life (gasp!). Now, I think Juliette Moore and Annette Benning are both super hot, and I’d love to see a movie about their lesbian relationship, but this is not that film.

THE KING’S SPEECH- Essentially a historical Rain Man or My Left Foot for the stodgy Anglophile set, this movie features everything that makes academy turds get boners: Geoff Rush, characters based on historical figures, Fancy period mise-en-scene and of course a guy who’s got a disorder that requires “acting” to exemplify. You know what? If I want to watch a guy learn to get over a stutter, I’ll just wait a few years ‘til one of my kids develops one of their own due to my shoddy parenting. Fuck, what’s next? A movie about getting braces?

THE SOCIAL NETWORK- Now, this quaint little movie stars that weird, remarkably unlikable version of Michael Cera as a wealthy, privileged child who grew up with every advantage to beat no odds and finally claim his birthright as one of the richest people in the world and have the unique distinction of getting a movie made about him that features him getting laid all the time and hanging around with Justin Timberlake…all before he turns thirty. Who wrote this, Mark Zuckerberg? I mean, I dig, it’s the story of ambition realized and money and power. But people are saying it’s unfair to Zuckerberg? Um, no. It’s nothing of the sort. It’s like Blow without the sad ending. It’s also about facebook. There is no script and no performance and no statue that will ever alter that it’s about facebook, folks. It’s about facebook.
Facebook.

TOY STORY 3- This is kind of like Lord Of the Rings: Return of the King in that it’s the third of a highly entertaining series of movies and is probably far and away the most fun to watch of any of the nominees, BUT, it’s animated. And if an animated film wins best picture, then it’s just a matter of time before everything goes out the window and all Hollywood is just robots talking to other robots about their sex lives and committing robot-on-robot crimes and suddenly there’s no work for Jake Gyllenhall anymore and the whole thing goes topsy turvy. The academy is nothing if not deeply and fundamentally indebted to the status quo. Therefore, I’d say this has about as much chance of winning the oscar as Fuck My Tender Pink Pussy #27 (also a highly entertaining sequel).

TRUE GRIT- A western hosted by the Cohen Brothers and starring the Dude. It’s probably pretty good, even though that whole thing in the trailer with Matt Damon making fun of Jeff Bridges for only having one eye is downright retarded. Well, and my uncle said the end was pretty stupid, so there’s that. Still, gimme this over most of this crap.

WINTER’S BONE- All I know about this is that my mom knows the dude who wrote the book. It’s apparently about the meth life down in the Ozarks, (where my mom lives) and uh…aside from people high on meth being generally pretty entertaining (from a distance), the powers that be in the Ozarks let motherfuckers just keep tigers in their yards down there, so this movie is probably pretty good.

Okay, that’s my completely uninformed take on the best picture nominees. Without having read any other takes on this, I’d say my version is probably the best. Happy Oscar season, everyone!

I’m going to the zoo.
Bye.