Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Hey hey dildroids, it’s Wednesday. I’m farting and trying to crank out this drivel while my baby pretends to sleep in the next room. Now who’s utilizing the valsalva maneuver, eh? Anyway, what’s happening in the world? The whole world seems to be running out of money, which I guess I don’t understand. I mean, as much as a dummy like myself can, I understand the idea of entropy when applied to energy. It makes sense to me. It all just turns to heat, can’t be reharnessed and drifts through the universe like the energy version of old TV guides and fish skeletons and shit…That’s understandable. BUT, there’s all this new energy being created, by stars, nuclear plants, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and so energy entropy, while scary in theory, not so much really in practice…energy in the universe, it’s an open system (or a large enough closed system that we’ve got a lot more immediate things to worry about, like money for example), but money…How the fuck is money obeying the laws of entropy? Is there a place in china that’s just shooting money into space?
Now, like energy, I know people make more money all the time, so where is the money going (and I’m fully aware of what flooding the market with currency does to inflation and all that, smartguy, so save it)?
Japan is in recession, Europe, recession, North America, in recession, Africa…hmmm…I’m guessing they’re not all suddenly wiping their asses with gold leaf in Africa…Is it population? Is it just that all the money in the world is getting spread around so much that places that need big concentrations of money to thrive are kind of getting fucked? I just don’t get it? How can EVERYONE get fucked at the same time? People blame china and India, but dude, if Slumdog Millionaire and Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern have teamed up to teach me anything, it’s that they’re not exactly showering in hundred dollar bills in those places either.

Whatever. I’m no economist, believe it or not. I have very little to offer in the way of fiduciary advice. Fuck me, man. I can’t even remember what I was going to write about today? How about the Oscars? That’s a good topic. As timeless as it is timely. And let’s talk about a group of OH SO deserving people who are living comfortably above this economic downturn. Man, do I love the Oscars. Nothing makes me happier than a bunch of vacuous assholes sitting around sucking each other off for their mediocre performances in their dumb, nearly pointless million plus salary jobs. Thanks for telling me how awesome Kate Winslet is, Kate Blanchett. That’s what dreams are made of.
In my mind, they both smell so much like rotten farts and crusty panties…but hey, that’s just me.
Man, in the last week or two I’ve heard THIS sentence a few too many times: “Mickey Rourke was robbed.“ Robbed? That guy’s an asshole with a demented face and some sort of Christ delusion. There are like a million guys like that in the world, and you know who’s sitting right near the top of the pile of them, as far as luck/happiness goes? Yup. Puff Daddy. But also Mickey Rourke.
I have no sympathy for people who don’t win awards for their dumb hobbies turned million dollar jobs. But hey, I’m an asshole with a demented face and a Christ delusion, too, so what do I know? Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe.
Here’s what I know: I know that I have a very limited time each day to write this dumb blog. I cannot, as per my extremely tight schedule, spend more than fifteen minutes on this. In the past ten minutes, I’ve seriously been interrupted six times as I’ve tried to formulate a cogent thought here. Tried to say something snappy and urbane that will make you all out there, sitting on various shitters, iphones in hand, opening small browsers next to your spreadsheets as so not to be caught by your boss, idly checking this out while you wait for your balls to replenish on your porn whack a thon Wednesday, crack a little smile. That’s all I’m trying to do, man. Entertain. Do I need the crying baby, the dozen phone calls, the other phone ringing, the uncontrollable urge to do a billion things at once (I need to pick up the house before the cleaning lady comes! I need to write some music while the baby is asleep. I NEED TO CATCH UP ON PHONE CALLS! THERE ARE A BILLION EMAILS TO SEND! I NEED TO RESTRUCTURE THAT SCENE IN MY MOVIE WHERE THE DUDE CRAMS THE OXYCONTIN UP HIS ASS!!!!) distracting me? fuuuuck.
By the way, that last distraction didn’t really cross my mind. That scene is pretty much perfect as is. I want a beer. I want lunch and a beer. It sounds SO good, but, I’ve got shit to do, and as such, a beer is, in this instance, probably counter productive. Some would argue that a beer at ten thirty is ALWAYS counter productive, but I’d argue that they’re a lame pussy/grandma that lives a life of absolutes in a nebulous universe. Today though, all I want is a ham sandwich and a beer. And a blowjob. Some money. A butler. Nice car. The ability to fly. Rap career. That’s all. Oh, did I say blowjob? Yeah? Okay.
Enjoy your day people, it’s the oldest and closest to death you’ve ever been!
Ta ta!


FAskies said...

Rap career? Start one up and see how it goes. One time i was listening to "On With The Show", my friend actually thought I was listening to rap...

Anonymous said...

Well let me start off by saying please excuse my poor grammar,spelling,ect.

Anyway speaking of puff daddy what the fuck is up with this guy?
I don't think I have ever devoted so much hate toward a celebrity before. He is the king of nothing and best of all he reaps all of the benefits, and credit's. He makes everyone his bitch and tell's everyone else what to do & how to do it. Also he isn't a producer as he would have you believe among other things. He go's in the studio and tell's the producer by mimicking noises what he wants the beat to sound like. Making the band? what the hell is that? first off it is not a band it is a group that make's bland r&b music with the same watered down content. Let's face it r&b now a days is about one thing fucking. who you fuck,how you fuck,and getting fucked,ect you get the deal.

Please elaborate on this fuck

Darcy said...

I was idly wondering about that same economy piece today. No answers here, either.

Believe in Alcatraz said...

Entropy is disorder. Enthalpy is heat. Suck it.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Matt said...

For those of us who know nothing of economics (and who haven't seen this yet), here's a nice little explanation of how the housing market took a giant crap.

Funny how everything is interweaved, and when one thing fails everything else follows suit.

As far as taking the time to write this blog for our entertainment, I offer a sincere thank you. It definitely brightens my day, and seeing as how I have no consistency when it comes to blogging (and I have lots of free time), I am amazed you waste your time on us at all.

so for what it's worth...thanks.

Andrew said...

i try my best to ignore the state of the economy and spend money as if it didn't matter.
I'm pretty sure if everyone stopped their collective bitching for one second and did the same everything would go back to normal.

First, everyone flipped out about rising gas prices; then everyone flipped out about the stock market as a result of the rising gas prices; then everyone flipped out about the housing market (fannie mae and bernie mac or something) as a result of the stock market crashing due to high gas prices; then everyone flipped out about the banks crashing as a result of the housing market failure as a result of the stock market as a result of the gas prices; then the automobile industry went down the shitter as a result of all of the previous; then that asshole bernie madoff scammed everyones investments which caused further panic over the stock market and the banks; then everyone flipped out when the government threw away money into the pockets of the automobile industry executives while the market continued to fall mercilessly; now we're developing all these plans and money is going to this and to that. Our national debt is burying the hatchet on what's left of the nation. Sooner or later we're going to be corporately owned by China or something.
The end.

Peep and Homie said...

Mmmm, you're thinking of enthalpy. Entropy is a measure of disorder. Natural state of the universe is low enthalpy, high entropy. Like the natural state your apartment tends to return to if you neglect it for too long. Low energy put into it, high, high high disorder.

*Note that this said natural state of your apartment is only observed by you when you finally decide to bring that person you've been dating on and off for two months over. You open the door and realize that not only has the ferret chewed through a few pillows and what looks to be every box of cereal you own, but he has also distributed the contents of your underwear drawer across the hallway. He then proceeds to run up to you like nothing ever happened, with no idea that you're seriously contemplating giving him a new home in the alley outside.

Suzanne said...

Money hasn't disappeared, really.. But take this imaginary situation. You have a whole bunch of smart people. They have a whole bunch of cash. One person says "Hey, if I cut my $100 bills into ten pieces, I can have 10 $100 bills, or $1000. A bunch of other smart guys go "hm, that's a really good idea".. and they all start spending their pieces of cash.. And nobody notices, or when they do, it's because they have so much self-interest that either they get paid to ignore it, or they start doing the same thing themselves. All this works fine, as long as the things they're buying and then selling with those bits of cash are still all worth the same.. but when those chickens come home to roost, suddenly everyone notices that "hey, you don't have a thousand bucks, stop scamming me, you've only got a hundred"..

And thus all the magically created money that never existed disappears, and what's left in it's wake is a lot of people with no money.

Blake said...

Mr. Kelly,

I think you will enjoy this if you haven't seen it yet..

Luke said...