Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i like to eat eat eat apples and bananas

Guess what my baby has? Did you say all ten fingers and toes? Well, that’s just precious, jovial grandmotherly type, but believe me, if that wasn’t the case, I’d have mentioned my boys claw hand or one toed foot or whatever long ago. So, technically, yes. He’s got all his extremities, but no, that’s not what I meant just now. Guess. Go on.
Correct answer: The shits. WOOOHOOOO!!!! A baby with the shits is like a Christmas that never stops, provided of course that all you ever wanted santa to bring you was glass after glass of once passed liquefied baby food mixed with stomach and intestinal bacteria. NOT that I keep it in glasses. Heavens no. I keep it soaked into every single piece of fabric that the baby comes in contact with instead. It’s much less disgusting.
Yeah, so the baby is pretty much drooling from his butt as far as I can tell. I’ve had this problem in the past and I have to say, he’s taking it a lot better than I usually do. When I have the shits like this, the every-two-minutes-orange-liquid-just-leaks-out-of-your-ass-with-about-a-thirty-second-non-negotiable-warning type of shits that I assume my baby has, based on frequency and consistency, well, I’m usually pretty bummed. He’s taking it all in stride. He doesn’t care that he shit through four outfits yesterday. He’s happy as a clam. BUT, in fairness to me, he’s really living like a prince. He shits right where he wants to, when he wants to and then people look at him and kind of go “oh! Did the precious little baby have a whoopsie?’ That is not at all what happens when I have the runs. Fucking babies, man. They have it so easy. I have to run for the toilet, man! NO MATTER where that toilet is, or how gross it is. YOU’RE WEARING TOILET PANTS! And if I don’t make it, I get no sympathy. I get poo in my leg hair and the police called on me.
Anyway, this is not the point as I DO NOT have the shits. I am not on trial here. I was simply pointing out that my baby has it made like Tom Hanks at a Joe Versus the Volcano convention (which is to say, everyone pays a lot of attention to him…yeah…best I could do. Sorry). And my life, it’s tough. I mean, I wipe the baby’s ass. I pick him up from daycare when he’s shit through all his clothes and how does he repay me? I don’t know. Some cooing? Some smiles? The vague notion that sometime between when he tells me to go fuck myself and the time I die that he might have to wipe my ass in a vastly more revolting manner? HA! Actually, that won’t be any fun for me either. And that just reminds me that my own parents are getting rickety. Sigh. There’s no winning in this world. It’s just a long highway of asses and you’re the motherfucker that’s there to wipe ‘em. Unless of course you’re some sort of nurse or orderly, in which case this metaphor is too literal to really mean anything, so sorry.
Okay, I should probably stop talking about ass wiping and get to my man dank purp’s advice query, right? Here goes:

Q:
So I dated this girl for about a year, and we ended up having a really serious, super fuckin awesome relationship, and like, she was set on getting married to me, like, this girl was done. And then I moved about four hours away for college, and shortly after i got there, i found myself doing way too many psychadelics and ended up breaking up with her. and in like the most asshole-ish way ever. a quick little example into the kind of shit i pulled would be the fact that i passed out while i broke up with her on the internet because i blazed too much of that dank purp, so i fell asleep all highed up, while i was tearing down the most stable thing in her life. A month or so after i did this, i realized that i fucked up hard, and i tried to get in contact with her. But she was like, fuck you asshole, and i was like, yeah know, it's true, i pulled some dick moves, i guess i'll just deal with it and move on. well, i'm several months and several girls beyond her, and i'm still like, head over heels, would do anything to get her back. So recently she's started texting me and emailing me. it started out just being drunk texts, which i pretty much blew off, but now she like, tries to actually have conversations with me, and she's admitted that she still wishes we could be together and that she daydreams about me just showing up. but, for the last like, four months, she's been dating this other dude. now, what the fuck should i do? this girl means like, the world to me, should i show up at her apartment and just put it all out in the open and see what happens, or should i just shut the fuck up, deal with it and move on? or maybe some third alternative, involving felching?

A:
Okay, if we assume that you went to college upon graduating highschool, which I’m going to do here, just for ease, a little quick math reveals that you and this girl dated for about a year when you were seventeen. When you were eighteen you went away to college, tried some drugs and dumped your girlfriend who lived four hours away. You did it over the internet, and you fell asleep all purped up, right? So far, so good. Now, several months later you find yourselves in the exciting rekindling stage only! Wait! Now she’s got a boyfriend! But you guys are in love? OOOOOOOH! NOOOOOO! WHAT TO DO?
Okay, that probably could come across as dicky and I’m really not trying to be a dick, but this one is easy. Get older. You guys are young kids four hours apart in new environments. I don’t know if she’s physically moved away from your town but she’s in a different environment just by not being in highschool anymore (Oh, but if she is still in highschool then this advice will be very different. Ignore the next few paragraphs and skip to the end). You guys like each other. Of course. You wouldn’t have hung out in the first place if you didn’t. BUT you moved away and acted like a dick when you broke up with her. Of course. You’re a young dude far away from some chick you dated in highschool. There’s a reason this is the plot of every college and highschool movie ever. It happens EVERY TIME. SO, you feel bad about it. Of course. Who likes hurting peoples’ feelings? Only assholes, that’s who. Finally, you guys are talking again and all these feelings are back in play? OF COURSE. It’s only been a few months. SO, what should you do? Sweep in and ruin her relationship with the new dude? Sure, go for it. Why not? It’s already doomed if she’s texting you and all this like you say. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean that your relationship is going to start up again and be awesome. No. In fact, I’d say that if you swoop in on her new dude, the chances of the exact same scenario repeating itself (you being at college, all high, four hours away, blowing her off, her saying you ruined her life, you feeling bad, her getting new boyfriend and then texting you suggestively just to compare the emotions she’s got on the table) are pretty much 100%. So, it’s not gonna end well, but hey, go down there, maybe do a little boning, you’re just gonna end up where you are now anyway, but maybe next time you’ll feel like you already gave it a shot and you’ll feel more comfortable moving on. Or don’t go. Save gas. We’re in a global crisis. That works too. Or tell her to come see you. That could be cool. Nah, don’t do that. That’s a bad one. Go there and Romeo that shit or stay put and enjoy the ego stroke that those texts provide, but know this, either way, you guys just don’t have the setup right now to be together. Too much distance, too many transitions, too many great new drugs/dicks/pussies out there to compete with. And that shit is AWESOME. SO, whatever you do, make sure you enjoy the ride, and don’t waste this time worrying about some gut wrenching broken relationship.
Oh, but if she’s still in highschool, go back to her dad’s house, challenge him to an arm wrassle. If you win, take her. She’s yours now. Tell the old man that you promise to shepherd her to her GED and ride off into the sunset. Never let her come home. God, I should get paid to give this advice.

13 comments:

J said...

Ya know, I think your last bit of advice there might just be the best of the bunch. It kinda sums it all up in a sufficiently truthful, yet sarcastic manner. Arm wrasslin' solves all problems. That or a foot-race. Let's try it with the Arab-Israeli conflict!

Unrelated question: Have you ever gotten someone quoting scripture and telling you you're going to hell? Man, what's the proper response to that shit?

kylewagoner said...

A girl moved to my town, I started talking to her, we liked each other a lot, she moved away, and is now a bitch to me. I guess that shit just happens when there's distance. That all happened in the span of 2 months.

Crooks Blogojevich said...

Hey 'purp nurp' or whatever your handle is, learn to write like a human being with a modicum of intellect, you hump. Like, like like, like your'e writing helps us all know that talking to you is like drilling your own eardrums(you see how I used 'like' in the previous sentence--that's an example of how to use the word 'like' properly)

Jason said...

First of all let me start by saying, I am currently 20 years old and a junior in college and I just found out about the Lawrence Arms like a year and a half ago. Immediately after listening to The Greatest Story Ever Told I got real pissed I went so much fucking time without hearing about you guys.

Second, you seem to be pretty good at this advice (reality check) thing, so let me ask you something. I am currently studying history, and next year I'd like to go to grad school to keep studying this stuff. I've already done a thesis on early American History, but its boring as shit, so I was thinking of pursuing an area of research that studies punk rock, all the way from The Clash on, as a social movement and a major influence on modern US History. So, dumb idea? Ever heard of this before? Do you think I'm gonna get spit on and kicked by every member of the academic community for such a retarded idea? It's real the only part of history I actually enjoy paying any attention to, but I feel way in over my head, cause I haven't seen research like that before. Anyway, good luck with that whole kid shit situation, hopefully I can avoid that a few years more.

propaprick said...

hey brendan, long time reader, first time advice seeker. So, a few months ago I met a girl about my age (25) and following a brief courtship (a few hours) we consumated our relationship. I've never really been into this girl, but over the course of the past few months I answer her phone calls when I'm drunk and we inevitably bump. This happens about once a week or so, the problem is that I'm a real dick for never answering calls or texts when I'm sober, and while normally I wouldn't mind being a dick, this girl is a single mother of a two year old and head over heels for me (although I've made it pretty clear there is no relationship on the horizon). I feel like (maybe?) I'm taking advantage of the fact that she may be a little insecure about being a 24 year old single mom (she shouldn't, she's incredibly hot), so do I shamelessly continue laying drunken pipe or am I truly a fuckin prick?

bk said...

Stop feeding your baby burritos.

megzster said...

So is the b.r.a.t. diet out of style for kids with explosive diarrhea?

Mike Destruction said...

best advice yet

hope said...

It seems like there's no end in sight for this relationship. In the post you referred to purp as romeo. He died. So maybe thats what he should do. perhaps he should die. Or drive to Raleigh and tell that Mango bitch to stop texting/facebook messaging him. Hypothetically speaking of course.

blank tapes, said...

so at Fest last year I invited Chris to play a Sundowner set at the place I was staying, he politely declined saying, "We're all leaving tomorrow" then a day later you guys play a show at the warehouse, what's the deal?

pogoisfun said...

So I’m a big fan of the quote “everything in moderation.” I’m a pseudo-vegetarian, I eat either meat or fish once every 2-3 months. Yet, I have never had sex with a girl who is known as a “ho for sho” as the kids are saying. I have had some opportunities, yet I just can’t bring myself to go in for the proverbial kill. I’m 22 years old and a Senior in college (It seems that age is a crucial thing to mention for advice columns). Do you think I should go for the easy babes (of course using protection, those damn STDs man!) or just continue building relationships with nice girls, having sex occasionally with said nice girls, and then breaking up when things get to be too much? Oh the predicament!

Jon said...

BK -
Can you give a quick Wisdom Teeth chunk of advice? Have you got yours out? Remember the situation?
I'll be getting mine out on Monday. Stressing out hardcore.
- Jon

KingCrapperIII said...

As someone that is in the DIY music industry and a Chicago resident, maybe you could describe better this Promoter Bill and the affect it would have on our great city getting great bands to still come play at The Metro or Reggie's types of places. Just curious.