Tuesday, March 17, 2009

let's get freaky now

Okay, it’s the real st. Patricks day and I’m gonna drink my baby’s volume in green beer. It’s really gonna be swell. Actually, the other night I was bartending and these two girls walked in and asked if I was serving green beer and when I said ‘nope’ they left. WHO THE FUCK goes to a bar EXCLUSIVELY for miller lite with food coloring in it? Whatever. It’s not my job to talk people out of their stupid proclivities. Speaking of, a few of my friends were in town last night and I got to bust a rather nice hang, complete with being at a bar that I wasn’t working at, having a few beers, a late night burrito, all the simple pleasures that parenthood has robbed me of, and it was awesome. They did, however, in the course of the evening convince me that I HAD to go youtube this one band that they knew of. AND, I’m a little torn, because I really don’t want to advertise this band (because they stink) BUT it’s just the most horrifying dogshit I’ve ever seen and I want you all to know what I’m talking about.
Ah, fuck it. It’s not like this blog is O magazine or something…The band is called brokencyde (so clever, yeah?) and they’re like a crunk screamo thing…I’d think they have to be british, just because the whole thing is so fucking goofy but apparently they’re from New Mexico, which means they’re just a bunch of isolated weirdos who don’t have people around to tell them not to do stupid things. And stupid things is what they do, man. Fuuuuuck. It’s a dude singing through a vocoder and some other dude making these accent “I’m taking a brutal dump” sounds. I mean, at the risk of sounding like a grandpa, is this what the kids are listening to these days? Fucking seriously? I mean, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, music is none of my business, but THIS is the golden egg that I missed out on? You guys probably all know this band already, huh? I know, I’m out of touch. Anyway, if you don’t, look em up. I dare you. It’s seriously the audio equivalent of eating six bowls of clam chowder and six bowls of ice cream and then throwing it up and serving the clam/sugar barf together. It’s two ideas that don’t match very well mixed up and covered in stomach bile. Okay, that’s enough of that.
I just got a phone call where a dude called to ask me about our tour manager. As in, our TM is applying for a job and I’m the previous employer and they called to ask about his work ethic and shit. I mean, I’ve never felt like such a grown up as I do, typing this while my baby naps, taking calls about my employees and being completely flummoxed by the music that kids seem to be listening to.
You know what? I got work to do, so I’m done. Happy getting drunk, oh, and here’s an irish joke for you, just in case you’ve never heard it before:

What’s irish and hangs around outside?

Patio furniture.


AHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!
bye

30 comments:

Tyler K said...

I heard this band a few weeks ago, and they are truly the epitome of everything that is wrong with western music.

james bliss said...

I hadn't heard of brokencyde, but a similarly shitty band (I set my friends on fire) got signed to Epitaph based on the strength of their hardcore/crunk remix of 'crank that (soulja boy).' It can really all get to be flabbergasting.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I told my friend to look up "freaxxx" on youtube (the name of the song) and he came up to me and was like "I searched what you told me and all I found was this song" and said "no, that was it" and he said "oh..." and then I didn't want to continue the conversation because I got worried that maybe he liked it. Also, I thought Brokencyde was like suicide or homicide for brokenness or something, but i guess it is just horrible spelling for being broken inside. Also, and this is where I probably got too interested in the band, I looked and they are coming to my town, coincidently, on April Fool's. And I hope they just announce the joke that night, although its actually at one of the nicer venues - so it won't be something I could just go and see what the fuck happened to society at.

rpophessagr said...

Between young white kids crunkin and old white dudes in the shed, I give up: http://www.boingboing.net/2009/03/16/punk-shed-anthem.html

Jayzilla said...

clam chowder / ice cream

2 treats, 1 bowl

YUM!

Katie said...

It's kinda a good thing to be "out of touch" otherwise anytime you see the cover of, or any article in something like AP magazine you will throw up in your mouth a tiny bit.

Uncle Buck said...

As luck would have it, Brokencyde are playing in Chicago tonight at the house of blues and IT'S SOLD OUT so someone order six dozen pizzas and have them delivered to their posh HOB hotel room

FAskies said...

If only you could unhear what you have already heard. These myspace bands are really pissing me off now. I could tolerate Hollywood Undead and I will admit I enjoyed atleast one of their songs. But BrokenCyde is like those pissy scene kids trying to be like 50 cent covered with screaming... yah pretty much what brendan said its two things that dont mixed covered in something else.

Anthony said...

another thing as bad a brokencyde or whatever their name is is "hollywood undead." i dont know if you heard of this band, but they are equally if not worse than that other band. I know now that if this is the new state of music, the world is going to end soon.

Zac said...

fuck this band. goddamn.

my roommate gets AP. don't ask me why, i guess he had a subscription from when it used to be decent (i do have an autographed cover with alkaline trio from high school, so that's cool i guess, they are, however, holding shovels and somebody's dead arm, so that's pretty lame). every occasional peruse is HEARTBREAKING. it's a bunch of pussies who don't believe in anything. crunk hardcore? goddamn, both of those genres are so fucking terrible. i'm pissed just to be living in a world where 'crunk' is a word that even my dad knows.

here's my beef. cool neon colors! goofy writing! silly songs! insincerity and no integrity whatsoever. it's like these bands are not at all cognizant of the last 30 years of music and feel like they don't have anything to prove to anyone because they can always rely on their girl haircuts and fashion to propel them into some place of celebrity.

and the kids freak out like all these bands are the new rock. they aren't. they won't last, no one will remember their names. when the clothes don't look cool anymore (i thought 80s fashion stopped looking cool in the 90s anyway) the bands are just going to DIE. i can't wait. don't listen to music that can't sustain itself without the existence of sprawling malls and marketplaces and hot topics and american apparels.

never stop making music BK. we need people like you to save rock. lord knows like everything else in the world, it's taking a gigantic shit, but every time you release something it is good and pure and meaningful.

Zac said...

holy shit. look at their myspace. heartbreaking. warped tour? check. sponsored by an energy drink? check. ON THE LABEL STARTED BY THE KOTTONMOUTH FUCKING KINGS? check.

things like "warped tour extravaganza" are all i have to keep from losing faith in music right now. like a big, anthemic fuck-you to bands/culture/scenes/idiots like brokencyde.

Mikey said...

this is awful. i'm bordering on tears right now. the song is called schizophrenia and it's definitely driving me crazy.

OH FUCK THIS IS SO AWFUL WHY HAVENT I STOPPED IT YET?!!!!!!

Tyler J. Bernard said...

Brokencyde is why the terrorists hate us.

Chris said...

spermacyde > brokencyde

http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll13/cottgias/spermaCYDE.jpg

P.S Don't Write said...

BREEEEEE BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Jeff said...

Hey Brendan, you ever hit up the Twisted Spoke? We were visiting from MPLS a couple years ago and went there for their "smut & eggs". I figure its the kind of thing you might be into, or really not into. One of those extremes. I thought it was weird, but of course gave it a glance every 10 seconds.

1TTH said...

Brokencyde are the reason TLA need to record a new album :)

cornicula said...

the sad thing is that it only gets worse. thought my chemical romance was bad? here's paramore. and if you think they're bad? here's brokencyde. it's just a continual regression to some horrible type of music that has to do with a sweaty man farting in the lobby of Congress Theatre.

Dave said...

Brendan, have you seen The Family Force Five. Oh, holy shit! I read their glowing pub piece in AP and the long and short of it is these guys are complete douchebags. They started as a Christian Boy Band. That's right. When that fad faded they moved to rap/metal. Now that fad has faded and they are doing some kind of crunk/emo/girl haircuts thing. It is these kind of bands that really get me. It is one thing to grow as a muscician and its another thing to blindly hop to whatever happens to be in style at the moment. I shouldn't care, but a-holes like these guys are selling out shows and it sickens me. Brendan, you should check these guys out and let us know what you think.

Alex said...

These guys played in rural Illinois (about 50 miles from Chicago) last year to 160 people. And, from my understanding, they lip-synced all their sweet crunk jams. For real.

I thought lip syncing was reserved for attractive women who needed to flop their tits around, which is more important than singing. A sign of the times, I suppose.

Angiepants said...

I tagged Brokencyde with "brendan kelly would have a field day" on last.fm months ago. I knew I was right. I also tagged them with "gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys." God bless Patton Oswalt.

Anyway yeah, Brokencyde makes me ashamed of pretty much everything. Being American, being white, being young, being alive...

Also, Chris told that joke to a captive audience of about 10 people up here last year and my friend thought the answer was Brendan Kelly.

Dave said...

By the way, this raises the question - Who would rather go see live, if you had to, Insane Clown Posse or Brokencyde?

J said...

Jesus h fucking christ. I disagree, man. It's really more like one guy shitting thumbtacks while another FUCKS A PIGLET out in the hallway, all done to the soundtrack of one of the interminable dancing-inner-city-high-school-students movies.

Thanks, though. "bree bree" made me laugh so goddamn hard I nearly fucking sharted. My face hurts. I was going to vandalize their wikipedia page, but they, ah, don't have one. Fuck it, I'm laughing again just thinking about that song!

And I live in NM. Isolated weirdos are a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM. And that's why god created fire, and lots of it.

kylewagoner said...

Wow, they're about as tolerable as 3Oh!3 which means...they're not tolerable at all. Brutal, eh?!

Mark said...

I am an Albuquerque, New Mexico native, born and raised. I work part time at a music venue and a couple years ago, I was contacted by brokencyde because they wanted to play. I pulled up their myspace page while I had the guy on hold, and its honestly the only time I've laughed at a band and told them to go fuck themselves. I'm all about supporting local music, but those guys are a joke.

Mitchell said...

I HATE to admit this.. But I was at the Myth in Mpls when they played.... WORST BAND I HAVE EVER LAID MY EYES ON and heard. The played with another shitty band called Hollywood undead...

The Lam said...

I never heard of this band until Buddy from Senses Fail spoke out about it. Their music is quite shitacular, but I can't fault them if someone's into them. I fault the kids!

tommyk said...

It's just really hard to find "honest" music right now. I can't find any new bands to like and being in a band myself it's just upsetting. Good luck with fatherhood, it's a beautiful thing.

Scott said...

thank you...music is falling further and further down the shitter. We NEED more bands like Larry arms

John McKay said...

yeahhh. i just now heard this band (heard ABOUT many times before, but just... avoided) and it pissed me off to no end. they drive a fuckin range rover in their video!!! how punk rock is that? no surprise these suburban piles of rich-mom and dad shit are on Warped this year. totally makes sense.