Wednesday, March 4, 2009

brush yo' toof!

Someone wrote in to ask me if I’ve had my wisdom teeth out, and I’m so glad they did, because if they hadn’t, I would have really drawn a blank on what to write about today. As it happens, it’s a very interesting story.
I was seventeen. I was having no problems whatsoever with my teeth. I’ve never had braces, and though my teeth have recently started moving slightly, it’s safe to say that back then, my teeth were in every way, just fine.
What was not fine was my experience with dentists. When I was about ten I had a dentist, a fat guy with a beard, and a taxedermied deer head in his office, who smoked…I’m not making this up, people, a cigar WITH the latex gloves on WHILE he was examining me. I only went to him once. The next guy was giving me an exam when I was about twelve, and in checking on something (I don’t remember what. You might even say I kind of blocked it out) he held out his index finger and said, and I QUOTE “Okay, Brendan. Now, suck on my finger as though it were a penis.” Needless to say, I went to town on his finger. Deep throating, spitting on it, kissing it up the sides, putting his balls in my…wait. No. Actually, that was the last time I visited that guy too.
I mean seriously, suck on my finger as though it were a penis? That guy must get all the chicks…er, uh, boys…Well, needless to say, by the time I was seventeen I was wary of dentists in general and I was presented with another reason to question the judgment of dentists when I was told that I’d need my wisdom teeth out at age 17.
They weren’t coming in at all and it was going to be pretty big surgery. I’d go completely under and they’d rip into my jaw to get out my wisdom teeth, which were, at that point still a long way from breaking the gum surface. Hey, sometimes when you’re a dentist, you need to make a boat payment, and you don’t have the luxury of waiting three or four more years until those teeth actually present themselves to determine whether or not they need to come out. Besides, this way is way more expensive.
ANYWAY, I went to the surgeon and even though it was surgery where I was completely unconscious, it was done in an office and I was an outpatient. So, I went under and when I came to, my nose was bandaged, my mouth was packed with gauze, there was blood everywhere and I was super swollen. I had stitches in my gums and I tried to stand up, but I was too wobbly so they put me in a wheelchair.
My mom wheeled me out into the waiting room, which was, according to her, packed with people (I don’t actually remember this…I just know the story as it’s a bit of a favorite around the holidays) and I looked like a bloody mess. I was in a fucking wheelchair with my whole face swollen shut and blood all over me, and I said-- no, yelled, to all the people in the crowded waiting room “Get out of here while you can! I just came in for a regular check up!”
Then my mom wheeled me away. Nice one! That marks the first funny thing I ever did while blacked out, with mom as the accomplice.
So, my face was swollen for a few weeks and I could only eat milkshakes and I was NOT to smoke. However, I smoked, and I smoked pot and I ate a falafel (which got stuck in the stitches and was about as gross as it gets…I went back to just milkshakes after that) and I played a show with my band at the fireside bowl. We opened up for the Pink Lincolns and I looked like a chipmunk and could barely open my mouth, but I think it was a pretty good show.
Anyway, I know there’s lots of advice to get to, but I have a ton to do today, so that’s gonna have to wait until tomorrow. See y’all!

17 comments:

Candice said...

that story is amazing.

i had my wisdom teeth pulled this summer and i chose not to get knocked out. good thing because had i not i seriously think i would have been raped by the dentist.

after he pulled out each tooth he kissed me on my forehead and told me what a great patient i was. he told me how smart and pretty i was and that i'd make a great mother. and if i needed any help studying or a recommendation for future residencies to call him. he told me racist jokes the whole time . i never ever wear glasses but decided to that day and he made me take them off during the procedure. then told me at the very end when i put them back on that although i was very pretty my glasses make me "look like a fucking nerd" and told me not to wear them anymore. he made me hug him before i left and gave me his business card with his home and cell phone number. then he called me that night and the next morning and night leaving me messages to call him anytime i want.

had he stopped all the flirting and just asked me to suck on his finger like a penis i would have. enough with the compliments and kisses, i'm not that kinda girl.

Joe Costa said...

This was an entertaining story but I've just decided that I'm going to marry Candice. The end.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Just in case you don't know, Brendan, I don't believe there is any dental procedure that would need someone to suck on a finger...let alone how you would a penis. Maybe that was his way of implying you were gay without straight up calling you out. "Now suck on my finger similarly to how you sucked on your boyfriend's penis last week..."

kylewagoner said...

hahahahahahaha

Eric said...

haha i already proposed to candice and was rejected...good luck joe...

jk jk

where do you find these dentists guys jesus!

Candice said...

i'm still holding out for brendan in the hopes that he becomes a mormon and takes me on as his second wife.

Angiepants said...

Okay, after reading this entry and also Candice's comment, I am never ever going to the dentist ever again ever. My dad can pull out my wisdom teeth with a pair of pliers.

What the fuck.

John Brown Style said...

To Candice:
I imagine this scene fitting in a weird dentist remake of American Psycho.

The Captain said...

haha how unfortunate! Now I am afraid of getting my wisdom teeth pulled....

raybeez6 said...

i'm a dentist and just wanted to give my 2 cents. i felt pretty nauseous after reading the experiences you guys have had going to the dentist/oral surgeon. if anyone reading has a similar problem down the road please report it to the ethics board of your local dental society. should be pretty easy to find online. as for the wisdom teeth its pretty easy to tell on a patient in their teens whether or not there will be enough room for the third molars to erupt based on both a clinical and radiographic exam. its actually easier to extract them even if they haven't fully erupted on a young person because the roots haven't fully formed. also better to take them out when a person is younger because there is more a likelihood that the socket will fill in properly and the patient won't be left with a pothole back there. back to work that boat ain't gonna pay for itself

Matt said...

Ok, seriously, you guys have encountered some fucked up dentists. The strangest thing about my dentist is that he looks like Richard Simmons. It's weird, and he's a bit hyper, but he's never had me suck on his finger or kissed my head as he ripped teeth from my jaw.

When I had my wisdom teeth pulled they knocked me out but over-estimated my body weight, thereby over-anesthetizing me. I got dehydrated during the procedure, and they had to put me on an IV of fluids, it took me two hours to regain even half-conciousness, and then I had to walk out into the waiting room afraid I was going to pass out or throw up blood at any moment. The rest of the day I was pretty loopy, and my mom told me this is why I should never take drugs.

It was awesome.

Buddy said...

As a regular reader, I'm really dying for some BSC analysis/judgement on Nadya Sulleman a.k.a. 'Octomom'..in addition to being a big lipped milf (who along with Frenchie has the most incredible DSL's i've ever seen), it seems like she is one individual who would really benefit from your snappy, no-nonsense parental advice.

simmons said...

when i got my wisdom teeth out, i was numb and when the dentist tried to knock me out the first set of drugs didnt do anything so he doubled them up. during the operation i remember them putting the keep-your-fucking-jaw-open block thing in my mouth, then pulling one of them out. then they woke me up to leave and i could barely walk but i thought i could out run the nurse to my dads car. needless to say i lost, i hit the bench and fell over. they had to wheel me out.

Mark said...

A few years ago in highschool, my friends and I were in gym class, waiting for our teacher to open the weight room when my friend starting talking about the previous weekend, where he had his wisdom teeth pulled out. As he gave a detailed story of blood and teeth, I got a little dizzy and blacked out. As I gained consciousness, the first thing I remember was my ass cheeks being clenched and I was making a groaning sound. So what my classmates were seeing, was me, humping the floor. Thanks for bringing me back

guy with 3 wisdom teeth said...

coincidences are strange sometimes(or all the time), for example...I had terrible pain in my jaw and toof the last few days so i got an emergency referral to an oral surgeon. I went in and had to get one of my 4 now grown in wisdom teeth pulled. I get home, slurping on some gaus and pull up the blog and hey, wisdom tooth story. anyhoo, maybe you should write a story about coincidences, or, just write whatever you want....cuz who the fuck is the guy who has 3 wisdom teeth anyway?

thanks. guy with 3 wisdom teeth

Crustacea said...

Hey, nothing related to this post but in a way similar to some of your previous posts about fucking a dog...

What would be the worst:
- Your wife thinks about someone else while fucking with you,
or
- Your wife thinks about you while fucking with someone else...

really, i can't figure it out...

diana mai said...

guy with three wisdom teeth: i have four.

they're all being taken out in may by (hopefully) trustworthy dentists at brooklyn hospital.