Thursday, March 5, 2009

uh...hmm...see, the title I want to use really gives too much away

So I’m all suited up to dole out advice and as I go into my inbox to see what sick perversions you turds are being confused by (even though, let’s be honest, aren’t almost all the advice querries about some dude who is in love with some chick that he can’t have because A) he just did something shitty or B) she is in a relationship) when I notice an email from a woman named monika who wants to link exchange with my blog. Her tone was extremely uh…robotic, and it almost, ALMOST seemed like it was some sort of form letter. Except for her blog name, which is…duh duh DUH!

….(wait for it)….

“Lesbian Dildos”

SO, I’m thinking, well, I MUST go check this out. Sounds awesome, right? Well…it’s strange, because the lesbian dildos blog ALSO seems like it was written by a robot. It’s like they took a fascinating subject (lesbian dildos) and had some dudes write an encyclopedia brittanica entry on it (that’s an old type of alphabetized book series that used to have tons of information in it for you kids out there), THEN had some line cook translate it into Bulgarian and then used a free robot translator to put it back into English. I mean seriously, did you think the topic of lesbian dildos could get as dull and incomprehensible as this:

Others find that lesbian sex toys are for 'maama ' who need to meet their women just are sexually deficient and require lesbian sex helps to assistance them out. I do not intend to wound your pride just what businesses the lesbian sex toys are a lot before. Because our company is in battle over the rightness of sexual pleasure, it is not surprising that lesbian sex toys are case to numerous myths and controversies. While lesbian sex toys are usually used for alone sex, many lesbian couples love using sex toys together, no matter regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.

I’m a big fan of the fact that many lesbian couples, regardless of their gender or orientation use lesbian dildos. That’s good to know. So when I use lesbian dildos with my friend Neil, we’re just a couple of male, straight gay acting lesbians exploring the way that lesbian dildos can assistance us out. Sweet, bro.
Dude, this is blowing my mind. It’s like this site was actually typed BY a dildo. Not a person who could easily be described as a dildo, but an actual, animated lesbian dildo.
To further my theory that this was written by a machine, THIS is an excerpt from the email I got from “Monika”:

You have an interesting blog.
I would be glad to collaborate with you.
So here is a question for you: Can we carry out a link trade,
I mean your and my blog:
Please can you use anchor "Lesbian Dildos" or just paste this code " Lesbian Dildos"
I think it would be relevant for both of us.
It would be nice to receive the answer to my letter.
Best regards, Monika Preston.

Okay, so that’s the whole letter…sounds like a robot, right? Monika has to be a robot. Which is awesome, because I went to her blog, and she’s hot. If that’s how they’re making the fuckbots look these days, I’m down. DUDE! Maybe SHE’S the new breed of lesbian dildo! A GIGANTIC HOT LESBIAN FUCKBOT THAT CAN BE USED BY ANYONE, REGARDLESS OF GENDER OR PREFERENCE TO ASSISTANCE THEM OUT!!!!!

Nah. That’s crazy.

Do you think it’s some sort of lesbian dildo search engine and it’s stumbled across my blog because I’ve used enough naughty terms that it’s finally peaked the “robot porn sextoy blog language meter thingy?” I don’t know man. My mind is BLOWN.
Really, I wish monika’s blog was a blog about lesbian dildos, the people, not the toys. That really was my ultimate wish: that this site would be some sort of Sapphic whipping post where lesbians come to call out other lesbians that are behaving like real dildos. That’s worth reading.

ENTRY 698:
Charlene is a real lesbian dildo because she doesn’t even think twice about eating the last piece of pizza even though she doesn’t have a job and she never drives to target because she doesn’t have a car cuz her broke ass hasn’t got no money and she never chips in for gas and her titties look like two pieces of beat up French toast just hanging there. For these reasons and more, Charlene is a lesbian dildo.

That’s what I want to read, man. Where’s that website? Maybe I should do it here. OKAY! LESBIANS! You’ve gotta be out there right? I want your gripes about your fellow lesbians. I will feature them all in a segment called “REAL lesbian Dildos!” This is gonna be great. As for you sad sack teenaged and early twentysomething boys who can’t figure out what to do…I swear I’ll get to you soon, but for now, it sounds like your problems can be solved with a few lesbian dildos. Peace.


J said...

Dude, your blog never ceases to brighten my morning. I thought I was the only one who got those emails from Monika! Crazy bitch won't leave me the fuck alone.

I've decided not to ask for relationship advice. I've found all the solace I need in lesbian dildos.

blank tapes, said...

As hilarious as that is I'm reposting this because I really want to know what was up: at Fest last year I invited Chris to play a Sundowner set at the place I was staying, he politely declined saying, "We're all leaving tomorrow" then a day later you guys play a show at the warehouse, what's the deal?

Cobra Chai said...

Dear Black Tapes,

are you delusional? Do you really need an explanation why a rock star declined to come back to your house with you? Moreover, why do you think you're entitled to - what you assume Mr. Kelly is obliged to provide - any sort of apology? Of course, if blank tapes is the nom de plume of a gian celebrity, i take it all back.

Anonymous said...

Brendan, you fell for her tricks and advertised her lesbian dildo blog. Now, you must insist she advertises your blog.

Nico said...

Every day I am in battle over the rightness of sexual pleasure.

Timothy said...

If you notice, all those posts use the phrase "lesbian dildos" a lot. There's a reason for that, which basically shows that it is a spam robot, if you go and do a google search for "lesbian dildos" that blog will come up first. Its a common trick of the trade in blogging.

Manny Los Gatos said...

Welcome back Mr. Kelly. Welcome back.

Eric said...

I agree with Cobra Chai. Blank tapes- shut up. Don't be a baby.

Tony said...

hahaha blank tapes - how far up your own arse is that head of yours? Good Lord!

Sickie27 said...

I'm not a lesbian but I once kissed a girl (don't judge me), who is now a lesbian. She cheated on her ex boyfriend with a lesbian named Frank or something in a pool and then cheated on him again with a girly looking guy while everyone else in the room watched. She also showed me her big, pink, lesbian dildo once. Needless to say, she is one classy broad.

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

An ex girlfriend of mine lived with lesbians and one of them was constantly cheating on/generally being a horrible person to her partner. needless to say she was a huge lesbian dildo.

Andrew said...

dude this was by far your funniest post

Mikey said...

When I was in grade 8 a lesbian lady came to your school to talk to the class about homophobia. While homophobia is something that really pisses me off, her suggestion was to say things are "so white" instead of "so gay". Even though it pretty much is our turn (our meaning us white people) to have more derogatory terms, our entire class of 12 year old kids walked away taking nothing from it all but "that lady was a racist against white people". I dunno if that story is that great or if she qualifies as a lesbian dildo but there it is.

Mikey said...

Also, remember when you were going through your various jobs you've had before you went on vacation?

What happened?

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