Jesus Christ, the days just press on and on and on and on and every fucking morning there’s a new blank word document and I somehow have chosen to spend the one tiny little sliver of time in my life when I’m mercifully, totally alone, uninterrupted by tiny people crawling over to the toilet and trying to pull themselves in or wives pointing out that I did not, in fact fold any laundry or parents desperately seeking a little attention or various dickwallets asking me for another bud light…and somehow I’ve decided to spend it doing this. Typing out bullshit for no discernable reward. Seriously, there are so many posts on this fucking thing now, it’s like a book. Oh, it’s a terrible, and all over the place book, but it’s a book worth of material. What do you think of that shit, eh?
Yesterday was cool, I met with my friend Nick and we concocted a project which I’m really not going to go into here, but let’s just say it’s going to be the single biggest project I’ve ever undertaken in my life (not counting having kids you fucking irritating dildos in the back) but he also told me about this mega church he went to while filming a documentary on abe Lincoln impersonators. Still following me? Good.
So, apparently, in Kentucky there’s a tall gaunt man who wears trenchcoats and lurks around schools, but instead of candy and Vaseline in his pockets, he’s got a stovepipe hat and some Lincoln logs. Nick went to film this dude, and one of the highlights (well, sounds like it was also torturous, to be honest) was visiting this guy’s church, which is, I guess, a mega church. What’s a mega church? Well, it’s more like a stadium than a church apparently and this one had a set of Jerusalem on the stage, and a dude dressed as jesus who flew on wires and two angels that flew with him and there was lots of Christian rock and more than a little bit of an anti gay agenda on the table. Sounds cool. Sounds. real. Fucking. Cool.
I mean, how is it possible that people into jesus are so unanimously clueless when it comes to what’s cool and what’s lame? Religion, in and of itself is pretty stupid, granted, but it’s no more stupid than, say Star Wars or Australian Rules football. So why can’t it be packaged in a way that’s not completely just the antithesis of coolness? It seems someone would have figured something out by now, right?
Well, okay, I’m referring to Christianity here, first and foremost. There’s no doubt that Rastafarians have some cool ideas, from haircuts (dreads are perfectly cool on black guys-Europe, I’m looking your direction here), to rituals, (smoking weed, not for me, but it’s fairly cool, especially in big droopy joint form) and music (bob Marley is good, and make no mistake, that’s religious music). Of course they’ve got that whole thing about killing gay people, which is decidedly NOT cool, but look, I’m not trying to endorse Rastafarianism in any way, I’m just pointing out that they got one or two things right in terms of their marketing. In Hinduism they’ve got the Kama Sutra. That’s cool. Buddhists meditate, which is not COOL, but it’s not exactly Uncool. Jews have Hollywood which is cool, but Christians, what do they have? A middle eastern hippy that obviously traveled around getting loaded, hosting parties, most likely banging chicks…sounds cool, BUT they’re so terribly ashamed of this guy, that they’ve made him into a white virgin who only wanted to talk about how awesome his dad is. AND, they’re trying (quite aggressively) to market a party free, sexless, joyless existence of bad music, thinking about death, and fucking the same person through a sheet once a month (or something, I’m pretty sure that’s what they want) as the way to go. Sign me up, man! Fuuuuck. Sounds perfect. On a side note, you may notice that this is why George W Bush was so palatable to the American Christian population. He too was a loose cannon that was all fucked up who the flock was so ashamed of that they recapitulated him as a good and pure soul with a powerful dad. Good thing he was already white. I mean, it’s crazy how many liberties the egocentric white Christian flock have taken with their own mythology just to bend it to suit their completely baseless set of ideals. Do you really think that in Jerusalem, two thousand years ago, that Jesus’s best buddies were named Matt, Mark and John? Doubtful, man. They were a bunch of brown dudes named Saleem and they looked a lot, a LOT more like Osama than they do like James Caveziel, no offense, Mel Gibson….Wait, No. I take that back. Up your butt, Mel Gibson. Teehee!
Oh, you know what? The Mexicans have some cool takes on Christianity, actually. Guadalupe is pretty cool looking, and I don’t really know how much of a Christian holiday Dia de los muertos is, but it’s at least tangentially connected to all saints and all souls day, and honestly, that’s about the coolest imagery on the earth, for my money…So there you go. Shut my mouth. It’s white people who don’t know how to be cool. Not Christians. Well, I guess we all knew that, right? Hey, we’ll always have scrabble and Lefty Frizell, right?