Tuesday, March 24, 2009

well we ran through the briars and we ran through the brambles...

Jesus Christ, the days just press on and on and on and on and every fucking morning there’s a new blank word document and I somehow have chosen to spend the one tiny little sliver of time in my life when I’m mercifully, totally alone, uninterrupted by tiny people crawling over to the toilet and trying to pull themselves in or wives pointing out that I did not, in fact fold any laundry or parents desperately seeking a little attention or various dickwallets asking me for another bud light…and somehow I’ve decided to spend it doing this. Typing out bullshit for no discernable reward. Seriously, there are so many posts on this fucking thing now, it’s like a book. Oh, it’s a terrible, and all over the place book, but it’s a book worth of material. What do you think of that shit, eh?
Yesterday was cool, I met with my friend Nick and we concocted a project which I’m really not going to go into here, but let’s just say it’s going to be the single biggest project I’ve ever undertaken in my life (not counting having kids you fucking irritating dildos in the back) but he also told me about this mega church he went to while filming a documentary on abe Lincoln impersonators. Still following me? Good.
So, apparently, in Kentucky there’s a tall gaunt man who wears trenchcoats and lurks around schools, but instead of candy and Vaseline in his pockets, he’s got a stovepipe hat and some Lincoln logs. Nick went to film this dude, and one of the highlights (well, sounds like it was also torturous, to be honest) was visiting this guy’s church, which is, I guess, a mega church. What’s a mega church? Well, it’s more like a stadium than a church apparently and this one had a set of Jerusalem on the stage, and a dude dressed as jesus who flew on wires and two angels that flew with him and there was lots of Christian rock and more than a little bit of an anti gay agenda on the table. Sounds cool. Sounds. real. Fucking. Cool.
I mean, how is it possible that people into jesus are so unanimously clueless when it comes to what’s cool and what’s lame? Religion, in and of itself is pretty stupid, granted, but it’s no more stupid than, say Star Wars or Australian Rules football. So why can’t it be packaged in a way that’s not completely just the antithesis of coolness? It seems someone would have figured something out by now, right?
Well, okay, I’m referring to Christianity here, first and foremost. There’s no doubt that Rastafarians have some cool ideas, from haircuts (dreads are perfectly cool on black guys-Europe, I’m looking your direction here), to rituals, (smoking weed, not for me, but it’s fairly cool, especially in big droopy joint form) and music (bob Marley is good, and make no mistake, that’s religious music). Of course they’ve got that whole thing about killing gay people, which is decidedly NOT cool, but look, I’m not trying to endorse Rastafarianism in any way, I’m just pointing out that they got one or two things right in terms of their marketing. In Hinduism they’ve got the Kama Sutra. That’s cool. Buddhists meditate, which is not COOL, but it’s not exactly Uncool. Jews have Hollywood which is cool, but Christians, what do they have? A middle eastern hippy that obviously traveled around getting loaded, hosting parties, most likely banging chicks…sounds cool, BUT they’re so terribly ashamed of this guy, that they’ve made him into a white virgin who only wanted to talk about how awesome his dad is. AND, they’re trying (quite aggressively) to market a party free, sexless, joyless existence of bad music, thinking about death, and fucking the same person through a sheet once a month (or something, I’m pretty sure that’s what they want) as the way to go. Sign me up, man! Fuuuuck. Sounds perfect. On a side note, you may notice that this is why George W Bush was so palatable to the American Christian population. He too was a loose cannon that was all fucked up who the flock was so ashamed of that they recapitulated him as a good and pure soul with a powerful dad. Good thing he was already white. I mean, it’s crazy how many liberties the egocentric white Christian flock have taken with their own mythology just to bend it to suit their completely baseless set of ideals. Do you really think that in Jerusalem, two thousand years ago, that Jesus’s best buddies were named Matt, Mark and John? Doubtful, man. They were a bunch of brown dudes named Saleem and they looked a lot, a LOT more like Osama than they do like James Caveziel, no offense, Mel Gibson….Wait, No. I take that back. Up your butt, Mel Gibson. Teehee!

Oh, you know what? The Mexicans have some cool takes on Christianity, actually. Guadalupe is pretty cool looking, and I don’t really know how much of a Christian holiday Dia de los muertos is, but it’s at least tangentially connected to all saints and all souls day, and honestly, that’s about the coolest imagery on the earth, for my money…So there you go. Shut my mouth. It’s white people who don’t know how to be cool. Not Christians. Well, I guess we all knew that, right? Hey, we’ll always have scrabble and Lefty Frizell, right?


Anonymous said...

Hey, for what little it's actually worth, you have fans who read this shit. I for one am bummed that you wrote a book that hasn't been published, cos I'd buy it.

Also, I have been meaning to see what those uber-Christian types do when I tell them that Jesus was gangsta. And if they suggest I, being of Jewish descent, am responsible for killing him, "yo, we're sorry about that, but he punked out on the crew, he had to go. Much luv for getting the heat off us, though."

someone somewhere said...

hey Brendan!
asking for an advice (it's not about fucking but I hope you'll answer).
You say that confidence is the key with girls, but how can I be more confident?
I'm 24 and I'm with this girl for several months, she's nice and she says she love me, and I love her too, the problem is that before her I've been with a girl for 5 years and in the end of our relationship she cheated on me, so now I'm really distrustful and I can't live this relationship in a relaxed way and I'm very stressed.
The girl I'm with now seems very sincere and she tried her best to have me (because before I met her I was going out with another girl) but I'm always worried to be cheated again and I've got always bad thoughts and I feel so pathetic..it sucks

teach me how can i be more confident

Katie said...

When I worked at a theme park in Orlando (no, not Disney) my least favorite time of year was the few days of Christian "rock concerts" where these kids were let loose on the park and it was (according to some managers) the single worst time for vandalism and basic nuisance for security to deal with for the whole year. I mean, this was worse than Halloween or Mardi Gras time with the place packed full of local and international drunks. I guess these kids were finally let loose from their parents and church and decided to fuck up shit? who knows, but I always thought that was funny and refused to work that event after that first and only time I did.

Blake said...

An Abraham Lincoln impersonator used to live down the street from me, and I swear to God, he lived in one of the fake log cabin looking houses.

Apparently, he worked at the Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI(and did assemblies at nearby public schools), and took that shit seriously.

Every now and then, I would be driving with a buddy of mine down the road, and they'd be like "Holy shit. Did I just see Abe Lincoln driving that SUV??"

Brian Detweiler said...

Dude, this would make one hell of a book. Get me an advance copy autographed with your semen and I'm in.

I've given the whole, "Christianity is the Anti-Cool" some thought for a while. I am Christian, but I don't really associate with most Christians because of how fucking sad that whole scene is. Seems like anytime they try to make it a lifestyle, it just turns out stupid, bigoted, racist, and ignorant (albeit well-meaning).

I'm pretty turned off by anyone who pigeonholes themselves into any particular category. (Eg. "I'm a punk rock kid!") Thanks for telling me just how one-dimensional you are. A lot of these hardcore religious people are like this. And here in Nebraska, you can find some prime examples.

So until they get their shit together, I'm just gonna keep that whole thing to myself and do what Middle Eastern Hippie Jesus would do, not what White Gay-Hating Jesus would do.

FAskies said...

haha i actually made a similar rant today. I always rip on Christianity and white people (the two do go hand in hand).

everyoneiskindofhappy said...

Much like Brian there said, there are some Christians who aren't total nut jobs. Whether or not you agree with my theology I'll sit down and have a beer (or twelve) with you and won't shit myself if you start talking about killing babies.

Anonymous said...

Isn't a megachurch what Ted Haggard got fired from? Is the secret project a you, Lincoln, and Haggard sextape?

Also, here is some lost Licoln footage:


...and my word is "ungle". That is weird.

Robb said...

Jesus died a jew; pupils painted blue. You haterz know it’s tru! Hey BK, think there are any totally legit Golden Girls fans out there, or can we chalk that one up with dinosawwrz and the Ghostface Killah?

p.s. MY word was “sclogg”!

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

Hey BK, if you can, I could use some advice...

So I go to school in FL and my friend is flying down from Chicago (where I am also from) in order to see you, Dan, and Tom play at Cafe Eleven on the 10th...
It's gunna be epic!

But we don't have a place to stay, and we leave early the next morning...

My question is:
Have you ever been to St. Augustine's? What I mean is, is it a cool place where staying out all night wouldn't be too bad/boring/dangerous/etc?

If you can, it'd be great to hear what the place is like before me and her attempt to drive around aimlessly for the night trying to kill time til her flight...

(and I go to school in Miami, so that's too far to drive to just for the night, just some information)

Thanks, I appreciate it it.

You are king.


(if I had my own religion, you would be Jesus and Ben Weasel would be Judas.)

Evan said...

Hi Brendan.

Longtime reader, firstime commenter. I think that's mostly because I never have anything witty to say. And also because I often read your blog posts in the bathroom on my ipod-touch (as you mentioned in one of your previous entries), and typing on that thing is a bitch.

Anyway, to make an off-topic comment even worse, I wanted to share this link I found with you. I didn't quite get a laugh out of this one, but it did invoke a modest chuckle, and it features your music (kind-of).

Eh, screw it. I'm sure you've seen it by now anyway, but maybe the BK fanclub can appreciate this one. So for all the rest, here is yesterday's news:


Please keep up the creative writing. Reading your posts and sharing your stories of scraping poo out from underneath your fingernails with my fiancée has become the highlight of my day.

toaster_oven said...

thanks for the AFL reference. I live in Melbourne which is the heart of AFL, more than half the teams are based in one city. It really is a dumb sport.