Good morning and happy Friday. It’s that time of the week again where everyone loosens their ties, takes a long lunch, orders a jagerbomb on the way home from work, calls up their boys, makes plans with a fat Mexican coke dealer, waits in the burger king parking lot, gets antsy, goes in and orders some chicken fries, stands back out in the parking lot, visibly fist pumps when old George (pronounced HORE-hay) rounds the corner in his shitty, put-upon little hatchback, climbs in, makes the exchange, walks back home to discover that all their roommates have already tapped the keg, calls some chicks, gets the party going, makes a burrito and ultimately ends up at the sports bar fucking some trashy, orange tanned girl with big chipmunk teeth who is only passibly hot through sheer force of her own will, right there in the urinal as the urinal cake skids across the underside of their balls. TGIF man. TGIF.
I was gonna do a “favorite things” list today…And I still may. It’s gonna be like Oprah. Everyone can look under their seats! Go ahead. That’s right! It’s the keys to a new PT cruiser! My favorite car! I have a friend (Sean Nader, for those of you out there who have been keeping track of the Nader/Kelly sagas that appear here) who thinks PT cruisers are really, truly the coolest cars. You might even say he considers them to be “the bomb”, and he has promised that when he makes a ton of money, he’s gonna get his dream car, a purple PT cruiser with black flames. Now, before we get too into that car, I’d like to point out a couple of things…Firstly, Nader’s best friend is named PT and I think that there’s more than a casual latent homosexual bond there, and I think that may have, subconsciously contributed to his fascination with these particular cars, and secondly, and this is much more significant: Nader can’t drive, and has never had a drivers license.
Nonetheless, on his short list of shit to buy with a zillion dollars: the purple PT cruiser with the black flames. You know who drives PT cruisers? Moms. Divorced moms. In that car, he’s gonna look like the freshly divorced lady principal of the local middle school out PT cruising around the singles bars, trolling for sausage, if you get my drift. But, hey, whatever. Nader’s got some ideas, man. AND I’ll be the FIRST person to fly up to Detroit and drive him around in his new PT cruiser when he strikes it bigtime. That’s a promise.
Okay, so my favorite things…Well, I’ve mentioned my favorite beer in the past, BUT I’m feeling like a bit of a lazy bastard today so I’m gonna do it all again…Here goes.
Beer- The greatest beer in the world is National Bohemian, but it’s only available in Baltimore. The next greatest beer is Miller High Life. BUT and this is huge, High Life MUST be cold. A warm high life is like drinking the pus out of a sore on Khloe Kardashian’s dick. Gross. If you’re the kind of asshole who wouldn’t be caught dead with a simple domestic beer, you can drink LaBatt Blue, Imperial, Pacifico, or Sol if you want to keep it in the Americas, and if you don’t, well…WAIT a second! This isn’t a guide to drinking! It’s MY favorite things. Okay, so beer: Labatt blue is my fave Canadian beer and Pacifico and Sol are my favorite Mexican beers. From South America, I go with Costa Rica’s Imperial…which is excellent, but NEEDS a lime or it tastes like melted down turds.
My favorite non-Americas beer is def. Drogba from the Ivory Coast. Nah. I don’t know...drinking African beer is just cool. That’s all.
My favorite Yogurt: cascade fresh blueberry. You get this in the organic section of your grocery store. The shit is GOOOOOOOOOOOD. I start my day with it every morning and it’s so fucking excellent. Um, eat this shit, because I really don’t want them to go out of business.
Favorite Drug- Running. Yeah that’s right. Nothing like a runners high. Close second- Heroin/ecstasy speedballs injected into your nuts.
Favorite cheese- Garrotxa. It’s a goat cheese from northern spain and it’s nutty, mild and semi firm…kind of like nader’s penis.
Favorite penis- You thought I was gonna say Nader’s right? Because it reminds me so much of my favorite cheese? That’s just weird. My favorite penis belongs to Harvey Kietel. He keeps it in the drawer of his nightstand.
Favorite thing to get at burger king- Double cheeseburger. What?
Favorite whiskey- Tullamore dew. This shit is like Jameson, if Jameson wasn’t terrible. It’s smooth and drinkable. It’s what I drink shots of as a rule.
Favorite porn star – Nick Manning. Look him up. He’s amazing. I know what you’re all thinking: “but Brendan, he’s a guy! Are you suggesting that you’re…” no dummies. This guy takes something as ridiculous as copulating in front of a camera so fat nerds can have something to whack off to during the dull moments in World of Warcraft, and in what I can only assume is a post modern bit of life-as-performance-art turns the entire thing upside down and makes it okay to laugh out loud. Also, he makes me very uncomfortable, but damn if he isn’t doing something great. Okay, okay, because I know you won’t look him up if you’re at work, or skittish, or lame or my mom or whatever, he, at the end of his scenes, when he’s supposed to jizz on the faces of his costars; he gets this deep booming voice and yells “UUUH! DROPPIN LOADS! ON YOUR FACE!”
that’s art, man.
Favorite candy- I just had those chocolate covered pop rocks. Those were good.
Favorite breakfast cereal- all bran buds with psyllium. Listen up anorexics, this stuff makes you dump. No two ways about it. Eat it one day, and the next day, you’ve got some serious movement. It’s not like the kind of thing where you have to run to the bathroom, it’s more that when you next end up going, it’s way better than you expect. Trust me on this one.
Favorite newscaster- uh…sorry. What’s happening in the world anyway? Are we rich again yet?
Enjoy your weekends, ladies. AND GO SEE THE FUCKING COBRA SKULLS AT BEAT KITCHEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT. THEY ARE THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!