Friday, March 27, 2009

UUUUGH! DAWGS!

Good morning and happy Friday. It’s that time of the week again where everyone loosens their ties, takes a long lunch, orders a jagerbomb on the way home from work, calls up their boys, makes plans with a fat Mexican coke dealer, waits in the burger king parking lot, gets antsy, goes in and orders some chicken fries, stands back out in the parking lot, visibly fist pumps when old George (pronounced HORE-hay) rounds the corner in his shitty, put-upon little hatchback, climbs in, makes the exchange, walks back home to discover that all their roommates have already tapped the keg, calls some chicks, gets the party going, makes a burrito and ultimately ends up at the sports bar fucking some trashy, orange tanned girl with big chipmunk teeth who is only passibly hot through sheer force of her own will, right there in the urinal as the urinal cake skids across the underside of their balls. TGIF man. TGIF.
I was gonna do a “favorite things” list today…And I still may. It’s gonna be like Oprah. Everyone can look under their seats! Go ahead. That’s right! It’s the keys to a new PT cruiser! My favorite car! I have a friend (Sean Nader, for those of you out there who have been keeping track of the Nader/Kelly sagas that appear here) who thinks PT cruisers are really, truly the coolest cars. You might even say he considers them to be “the bomb”, and he has promised that when he makes a ton of money, he’s gonna get his dream car, a purple PT cruiser with black flames. Now, before we get too into that car, I’d like to point out a couple of things…Firstly, Nader’s best friend is named PT and I think that there’s more than a casual latent homosexual bond there, and I think that may have, subconsciously contributed to his fascination with these particular cars, and secondly, and this is much more significant: Nader can’t drive, and has never had a drivers license.
Nonetheless, on his short list of shit to buy with a zillion dollars: the purple PT cruiser with the black flames. You know who drives PT cruisers? Moms. Divorced moms. In that car, he’s gonna look like the freshly divorced lady principal of the local middle school out PT cruising around the singles bars, trolling for sausage, if you get my drift. But, hey, whatever. Nader’s got some ideas, man. AND I’ll be the FIRST person to fly up to Detroit and drive him around in his new PT cruiser when he strikes it bigtime. That’s a promise.
Okay, so my favorite things…Well, I’ve mentioned my favorite beer in the past, BUT I’m feeling like a bit of a lazy bastard today so I’m gonna do it all again…Here goes.

Beer- The greatest beer in the world is National Bohemian, but it’s only available in Baltimore. The next greatest beer is Miller High Life. BUT and this is huge, High Life MUST be cold. A warm high life is like drinking the pus out of a sore on Khloe Kardashian’s dick. Gross. If you’re the kind of asshole who wouldn’t be caught dead with a simple domestic beer, you can drink LaBatt Blue, Imperial, Pacifico, or Sol if you want to keep it in the Americas, and if you don’t, well…WAIT a second! This isn’t a guide to drinking! It’s MY favorite things. Okay, so beer: Labatt blue is my fave Canadian beer and Pacifico and Sol are my favorite Mexican beers. From South America, I go with Costa Rica’s Imperial…which is excellent, but NEEDS a lime or it tastes like melted down turds.
My favorite non-Americas beer is def. Drogba from the Ivory Coast. Nah. I don’t know...drinking African beer is just cool. That’s all.

My favorite Yogurt: cascade fresh blueberry. You get this in the organic section of your grocery store. The shit is GOOOOOOOOOOOD. I start my day with it every morning and it’s so fucking excellent. Um, eat this shit, because I really don’t want them to go out of business.

Favorite Drug- Running. Yeah that’s right. Nothing like a runners high. Close second- Heroin/ecstasy speedballs injected into your nuts.

Favorite cheese- Garrotxa. It’s a goat cheese from northern spain and it’s nutty, mild and semi firm…kind of like nader’s penis.

Favorite penis- You thought I was gonna say Nader’s right? Because it reminds me so much of my favorite cheese? That’s just weird. My favorite penis belongs to Harvey Kietel. He keeps it in the drawer of his nightstand.

Favorite thing to get at burger king- Double cheeseburger. What?

Favorite whiskey- Tullamore dew. This shit is like Jameson, if Jameson wasn’t terrible. It’s smooth and drinkable. It’s what I drink shots of as a rule.

Favorite porn star – Nick Manning. Look him up. He’s amazing. I know what you’re all thinking: “but Brendan, he’s a guy! Are you suggesting that you’re…” no dummies. This guy takes something as ridiculous as copulating in front of a camera so fat nerds can have something to whack off to during the dull moments in World of Warcraft, and in what I can only assume is a post modern bit of life-as-performance-art turns the entire thing upside down and makes it okay to laugh out loud. Also, he makes me very uncomfortable, but damn if he isn’t doing something great. Okay, okay, because I know you won’t look him up if you’re at work, or skittish, or lame or my mom or whatever, he, at the end of his scenes, when he’s supposed to jizz on the faces of his costars; he gets this deep booming voice and yells “UUUH! DROPPIN LOADS! ON YOUR FACE!”
that’s art, man.

Favorite candy- I just had those chocolate covered pop rocks. Those were good.

Favorite breakfast cereal- all bran buds with psyllium. Listen up anorexics, this stuff makes you dump. No two ways about it. Eat it one day, and the next day, you’ve got some serious movement. It’s not like the kind of thing where you have to run to the bathroom, it’s more that when you next end up going, it’s way better than you expect. Trust me on this one.

Favorite newscaster- uh…sorry. What’s happening in the world anyway? Are we rich again yet?

Enjoy your weekends, ladies. AND GO SEE THE FUCKING COBRA SKULLS AT BEAT KITCHEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT. THEY ARE THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

33 comments:

Joe Costa said...

High Life is your second favorite beer? Personally, I prefer PBR and Black Label over High Life by a bit. But High Life is a good budget brew that they do sell at the Triple 5 Convenience store (which stays in business solely because the hatian guy behind the counter sells to any underage male that comes in).

tobiasjeg said...

Always happy to read about Cobra Skulls, Imperial, and Nader.

Mike said...

High Life is number one in my book, but I've never had National Bohemian so who knows? Anyway, glad to see you finally revealed your favorite whiskey. Jameson does suck.

mckuly said...

Fuck yeah to high life.. well more like it's what my mom drink's and it's free,none the less truer words have never been spoken a warm high life is a bummer..

Brendan have you ever thought about doing stand up as a new profession that you have been searching for ?

and if you happen to break into this industry do us all a favor and beat dane cook's ass

Jason said...

Yea, I go to school in Baltimore and we pretty much live on good 'ol Natty Boh, cheap and deliciously smooth.
And besides when you look at the can you get to see some creepy version of the Monopoly Man who claims his beer is from the "Land of Pleasant Living" How can you beat that?

mckuly said...

Fuck yeah to high life.. well more like it's what my mom drink's and it's free,none the less truer words have never been spoken a warm high life is a bummer..

Brendan have you ever thought about doing stand up as a new profession that you have been searching for ?

and if you happen to break into this industry do us all a favor and beat dane cook's ass

mckuly said...

Apprently i sent this a billion times sorry for the spam

Ryan said...

Haha if you grew your hair again you could double for Nick Manning!
"Cubs win! Welcome to the filth factory!"

janeharas said...

i'm going to have to agree with you on the High Life, it's what us Tennessee rednecks learned to drink on.... oh bon fires in the middle of bumfuckville and flying beer cans.... those were the days.

hmm, i'm kind of thirsty for one now.

Chris said...

Not so sure about Imperial. I heard so many good things about it, and then when the time came to drink it in Costa Rica it smelled/tasted like a sulfur-spewing geyser of ass. And this was true of every restaurant and hotel we drank it at. Ugh.

jbody said...

Poor sidekicks,daddy has a new favorite little slugger.I hear that there is a big screen adaptation of the inanimate plastic homoerotic learning tool G.I. JOE.The cobra skulls would be the ideal band to write the theme."GO WHOA OH YOU FUCKIN G.I. JOE OH!!"something like that.Im gonna go take another fat burner now

Rumble Radio said...

Nick Manning is an incredibly hilarious porn star. They play drops of him daily on the Howard Stern Show. If you haven't heard it already, go out of your way to find the video of him going "WET CUNT"

cornicula said...

your love of cobra skulls is so adorable.

John Barrett said...

Costa Rica is in North America. Otherwise, Miller High Life is most certainly god's gift to man. Kudos.

Also, my word is bulate. Great word.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Thanks for explaining "dropping loads". I googled him and the two suggestions were "howard stern" and "nick manning dropping loads" - which I assumed meant he was a feces kind of guy. Anyway, he has a movie called "Spunk'd: the Movie". I really hope he dresses up like Ashton Kutcher and pranks pornstars into fucking him.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Also, I'm curious if this is somehow the same Nick Manning:

http://www.asbah.org/ASBAH+Community/livingwithhydrocephalus/nickmanning.htm

Rusty On Wheels said...

I work at The Ottobar in Baltimore. I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to work there if you're not willing to drink copious amounts of Natty Boh.

Darcy said...

I'm heading out to Bmore in a few weeks- now I really do have to get a beer while I'm there.

By the way man, I love your blog. It's a great break from the med school tedium.

jbody said...

come on everyone you cant just post without letting us all in on your verification word.It really is just comic gold everytime!my word is facetious

Sean said...

COBRA SKULLS ARE EPIC!

too bad my spring break ended, was was just home in Chicago...

also, some advice... if you can...

So I go to school in FL and my friend is flying down from Chicago (where I am also from) in order to see you, Dan, and Tom play at Cafe Eleven on the 10th...
It's gunna be epic!

But we don't have a place to stay, and we leave early the next morning...

My question is:
Have you ever been to St. Augustine's? What I mean is, is it a cool place where staying out all night wouldn't be too bad/boring/dangerous/etc?

If you can, it'd be great to hear what the place is like before me and her attempt to drive around aimlessly for the night trying to kill time til her flight...

(and I go to school in Miami, so that's too far to drive to just for the night, just some information)

Thanks, I appreciate it it.

You are king.

-Sean

nancy said...

Nick Manning! Ha! Droppin loads all over your glasses...

FAskies said...

Best Beer (or atleast best Canadian Beer) is Molson Canadian it does not get much better than that.

Michael said...

I live in GR Michigan and going home shortly to the Baltimore area for a week. I'll pick up some Natty Boh. but that's all i can really do for you. I wouldn't know how to get it to you. - mike

Jakks said...

Sol and Pacifico are your favorite mexican beers? come on! Pacifico is ok, but Sol when you have Tecate and XX?
And well, a little bit of advide from you would be great so here's my shot:
I was in a relation for more than 3 years with this preetty cool girl with whom I spent a really good time and we almost had any kind of big problems in this time, until the time she enters college and meet this guy and broke up with me to be with him.
I was broken hearted, blah blah blah and spent like two months being blue and suddenly a emo haircut growed in my head.
After that I met this beautiful girl with whom I started dating, we spent great times together but she's like CRAZY, we fight like two or three times per week for stupid things (like me changing a song at the very last part before it actually "ends" or because she wants to go to some ruins -yes, I'm mexican- and watch some boring sun shit that happens once a year but I've seen it for like 5 times), we have been going out for like 3 months but we have had worst fights than the ones that I have with the first lady.
The 3-year-girl now is single because that guy was a jerk at the end and she called me and we went out (nothing really happened besides a good talk) but I kinda still have feelings for her, so now I'm in the middle of this crazy situation:
Dump this crazy girl and go out for a second try with the first one, or stay with the crazy one, keep fighting for even more stupid things and say good bye to the other, or give a big FU to both of them and become asexual.
Thanks!

Ps. I'd literally kill to see that show with you, Dan and Tom. Name the target!

Robb said...

I say give the big FU to both those crazy hot bitches; but before asexual, first try fellatio on either a kickboxer or an old hardened drug-running buzzard. At the place where the sun thing happens.

On fav whiskey Bren--a recent discovery? Dunno, seems like last time you named a bourbon like Makers or Bullet...Bookers...Boogers...something like that. I dunno. It was a long time ago.

verification was 'phangst'. Phallic angst? Exactly.

Angiepants said...

Oh my fucking god I spend way too much time hating PT Cruisers. We have three, count 'em, three blue PT Cruisers here in town with fake wood paneling. How three people in a town of 12,000 could manage to have the same piece of shit car with horribly mismatched off-color wood paneling decals is beyond me.

Chocolate covered Pop Rocks? Sounds like there's way too much going on there.

drew said...

I have yet to try National Bohemian... but I have a few friends from Maryland and they all fucking love it. Being from Colorado, and having traveled many places, I can safely claim that CO has some of the best microbrews this mouth has ever tasted. Tommyknocker has sooo many delicious flavors its ridiculous. However, my favorite beer goes to Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat, it's REALLY fucking delicious on tap. Anyway, I just got back from Ghana, Africa and they have a really scrumptious brew called Star (it tastes like Heineken... only good). My favorite Mexican beer goes to Negra, favorite cheap beer goes to Pabst, and the best malt hands down goes to Mickey's... GOD what I would kill for 40oz's of Mickeys in Brooklyn.

...anyway, just some suggestions for yuh BK if you ever want to try something new.

Alex said...

Tommy Gunn is obviously far superior to that guy. Even though I don't know who your guy is, Tommy Gunn is better.

Brian Detweiler said...

High Life is a total "meh" for me. Much prefer PBR or Old Style if we're kickin' it cheap. Though if we're getting into good beers, Old Rasputin Imperial stout is fucking awesome.

Good call on Tullimore. If you like that, you should also love Redbreast. It's a little bit of heaven with each sip.

Troy said...

PT's is the name of a strip club down here in Miami.

Andrew said...

dude i completely agree with the dude who mentioned mickey's. that shit is GOLD. it goes down so smooth and it tastes better than any alcohol i've ever had. I'd rather drink one of those than soda.
Plus I love those little handgrenade bottles with the puzzles under the cap.

arrobast said...

If you like Pacifico you should definitely try Victoria. Them shits is good.

Head Above Water said...

hey, so if you thought brokencyde was bad, check out Millionaires. Its pretty bad. Specifically the music video for the song "Alchol" lol.

On a side note the word verification is "flazid" thought that was funny