Thursday, March 12, 2009

you'd better chow down or it's gonna get cold...

Good morning. We’ve worked this miracle where we got everyone (except the dumb hicks in Indiana [who are worried that their god will punish them for messing with the ‘natural order of things’] and the meth heads in Arizona [who just can’t be bothered to give a fuck either way]) to turn their clocks forward an hour. It’s the most incredible thing, because now, thanks to all of you out there, my baby, our baby sleeps until 830!!!! That means I get to sleep in until 830. It’s unbelievable. This is like getting laid for the first time only better because it lasts way longer. I used to think, back in the old days, that waking up at 830 was a real go getter thing to do. Now, it seems like the height of indulgence and laziness, and I couldn’t be happier. Fuck off man! I’m sleeping the fuck IN! As this development is destined to affect how I conduct my mornings, one thing is becoming painfully clear…I’m not really gonna have the fifteen minutes I need to do this here dumb opinion dissemination exercise on the days that I work, because I have to take the baby to his baby prison and you know, get to work, which means I have to put on pants and shit like that. Oh usually when I write this, I’m buck naked. I know, ladies, gay men, straight men who just like to think in pictures (sure)…it’s one of the most erotic images your brains can muster…but it only happens on those days that I don’t have to work. On the days I work, I usually slip on my nested cock ring/leather leash thing and then wear a soup strainer on my head. I don’t know why, but it helps me focus on a day of asking people if they want cheese on that, or another diet coke.
Can we break from talking about my erotic blogwear just for a moment to point out that if you are a man and you’re ordering diet coke, I am, make no mistake, laughing at you with great prejudice. Here’s the thing, either you’re fat, or you’re so snivelingly pathetic, and either way, that diet coke isn’t helping you at all. Okay, fat guy: Here’s an idea- Walk around the block a few times. I mean, lets not fool ourselves into thinking that drinking a diet coke is providing you with any more health rewards, as compared to regular coke, than the most minimal bit of exercise you can do…So just do that, and have the real coke. OR, quit drinking soda all together. It’s SO fucking bad for you, and it’s gross. The only thing grosser than soda is diet soda. You’re already drinking the grossest thing on the earth. It should be easy to take that last step and just drink something else, right? Have a fucking iced tea, or some water or fuck, man, a beer is better for you than a soda is…whatever. Just saying. OR maybe you just embrace being kind of a fat dude (nothing wrong with it, after all) and drink the fucking real soda and just let shit roar a little bit. Confidence is what will get you laid. Not six pack abs, and let’s be honest, diet soda isn’t helping you achieve either one of those things anyway.
Now, the much more horrendous offender is the slim guy drinking diet coke. The fat dude at least has a reason. Society shames him for his weight and he just feels like he has to look like he’s putting forth a little effort because he feels like motherfuckers like you and me are judging him every time he consumes anything. You? What’s your excuse? You had BETTER be the son of the dude who invented diet coke. That’s the ONLY excuse that flies, skinny guy drinking diet coke. THE ONLY ONE. Okay, maybe if you’re diabetic or something…I don’t exactly know how that works, but look…your choices are the same as fat dude’s choices, but let’s talk man to man for a sec, kay? That stuff tastes like dogpiss. I know it does. It’s revolting. You’re drinking it why? You just couldn’t possibly have the full flavored coke? Your wife would kill you? It makes you jumpy? It’s just too much? You didn’t get skinny by cutting corners?
News flash asshole! DIET COKE IS CUTTING CORNERS! YOU SOUND AND LOOK PATHETIC WITH YOUR STUPID LADY DRINK. There is no excuse that makes it okay (aside from, like I said before, the diet coke legacy thing and possibly the diabetes thing pending a little research), just fucking drink the regular shit or switch to dignity and order a whiskey. Jeez.
Okay, what was I saying before that? Oh right, how I’m wearing next to nothing. WELL, actually, long story short, I’m writing this at night this time, so I don’t have to figure out how to rearrange all my time, because, as you may recall, tomorrow morning I’ll be sleeping in. SO, I know the question, what am I wearing, you know, since it’s night?
Well, I’ve got a wine cork in my ass and my dick stuffed into a diet coke can. It’s pretty masculine, in a Bowie-esque expectation destroying kind of way. Yeah.
Oh yeah. I’m playing a show. I’m gonna talk about this a lot because I’d love you all to go check out what it is that I do. Did you know I’m in a band? No, really. I’m a musician. However, this show isn’t going to feature my band. It’s gonna be just me. Just me? Well, not JUST me. It’s gonna be just me, followed by just dan (he’s also in a band called the Alkaline Trio) and just dan will be followed by just tom, who is in a band called Against Me! The show is taking place at café 11 in St. Augustine, Fla. On April tenth. Easter weekend bitches. Come get me jesus, you bastard. I heard your parents weren’t even married…Yeah, that’s your god I’m talking about, losers. Anyway, yeah, it’s gonna be great. What will my setlist comprise? Who knows? I think there will definitely be at least one new (and never before performed) Lawrence Arms song and Dan and I briefly discussed getting together to do a song or two…hmmm. What could that mean? Also, I’m going to describe toms balls in detail, and I’m going to draw his entire junk drawer from memory on a big sheet of butcher paper a la dimitri martin. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be the single greatest show on earth. Probably. Uh…you should go. Who cares if it’s far away? I’m going, you fucking baby. Ladies, uh, showing your tits won’t get you in free, but it will sure brighten the general mood, so consider it. Dudes, same goes for your sacks.
Xoxoxo

PS…He only slept until 730. Sigh. The dream is dead.

23 comments:

DutchDude said...

Yeah new songs!!
Thats fucking good news!

Hank said...

Hey Indiana does move up an hour you jerk

Jayzilla said...

i feel like we are breaking up....

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I know a guy that, a couple of years ago, would always order a diet coke at this restaurant where a soda/soda pop/pop came with the meal and whenever someone who hadn't gone before, he would explain in a sort of I-only-half-care way "regular's got too much sugar/caffeine". I don't remember exactly what he said, but it kind of bugged me and I just tried to ignore it. He was young, not fat, and I don't believe he honestly thought it was healthier, but he thought that he already had too much caffeine each day...so he shouldn't drink regular coke. He also drank coffee every god damn day of the year...but regular coke had too much caffeine.

Chris C said...

7:30? Shit, yer living the high life papa.

Manny Los Gatos said...

I wanted to comment on Yesterday's blog if I might. People have lost a lot of money in the last year. Money has been lost like air coming out of a balloon. If you owned a home, you prolly lost 20 percent of it's value, but what you really lost is all your equity. Your money comes out first, so if you had 100,000 in a 500.000 dollar home, when it goes to 400,000, you just lost 100,000. That might be more than half of some people's net worth. Let's say you had money in the stock market. Well you lost over 50% on that. So let's say you were worth 200000 last year with above scenario for the house and 100k in stocks. Well now you've got 50k, you've lost 75% of your net worth. Good times. Let's say you lost your job, now you are bleeding money every month to pay for a house in the hopes you can get your money back out of this. The question is, where did the money go? A lot of banks had invested in CDOs and other forms of mortgage backed securities. These securities are like stock on people's mortgages. When homes began losing value and people began to default on their loans, these CDOs went from AAA rated investments to A rated if that. So that means they lost almost 90% of their value. This alone took Wachovia, Bear STearns, and others out and Crippled B of A and Citi, etc. Basically banks and everyone else were too highly levered, meaning they had borrowed more than they could repay when the CDOs lost all their value. Now that everyone is defaulting on their loans and banks are going under, no one wants to lend to anyone else. Credit freeze. So that is where the money is, if you have it, you don't want to lend it cuz chances are whether it's a bank, a person, or a country, you don't want to lend money to someone who can't/won't pay it back.

Sorry. That was rambling. Check out my blog on myspace and I'll try to flesh it out a little better than that.

Candice said...

ny is so much better than florida. what are you thinking?!?!

Mikey said...

ok, skinny guy who drinks diet coke here.

a bout a year and a half ago my cousin and i made a bet and challenge not to eat junk food. so thats been goin on a while. a few months ago i started drinking diet coke cuz i figure there's zero calories so thats gotta be a bit better right? now, yes, i realize how retarded that sounds so whatever, its a bit healthier i think (maybe i'm ignorant).

and yeah its womanly but (strangely this conversation came up in class today) as someone said, i'm gonna live a bit longer.

all that being said, i've been thinking of stopping diet coke too anyways. it does still feel like garbage that makes me feel gross. blah.

again, i realize i sound like a retarded little girl. BUT, i was tubby a year and a half ago so i must be doing something smart.

Tony said...

Please, for the love of God, record that show somehow...!! Perhaps a Fat Live in a Dive or something to that effect?

johnny B said...

you have the whole diet coke tasting like dog piss right, but yet you drink high life. HEYYYYOOOOHHHHH!

amanda said...

My husband and I are planning our trip to Florida from Cal.. You better show!

Eric said...

If you want a healthier diet, just drink water. How stupid are you?

Sickie27 said...

One of my friends and Nick Jonas drink Diet Coke and they are both diabetic. So I guess it's legitimate.

Also - I was real sad when I missed Harvest of Hope in St. Augustine SOOO I'm making my friend take a vacation from work so we can drive down there to see your show. It's a 6.5 hour long drive and I just decided this about 2 seconds ago, so... You should make this worth while. :p

Robb said...

See ya in St. Augustine. I think we'll tail Dan from the venue...maybe pull in his driveway; just sit ominously with the engine running for a good minute or two; leave. Kidding. That would be sociopathic, and I have far too much respect for the man and his godly Costello-esque croon. Christ I hope I didn't plant a legitimate idea in some wayward soul's head. I do hope the Gabel's balls pictograph thing does materialize and isn't just empty talk. Fun for the whole family.

Rory said...

For some reason this post made me think of Joe Principe.

Moore Sketches! said...

damn, where can you get tickets to that show? i'm not going all the way to florida and not get all up in them guts!

konkdaddy said...

Type 1 diabetics take insulin based on the number of carbs they are going to consume, so the only reason to drink diet coke is if you're trying to save money on meds or something. Type 2 diabetics are just fat people.

Brenden said...
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Brenden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zac said...

hey fuck you brendan, arizona rules. most of the meth heads are in mesa, and the nile's been closed for years, so you don't have to deal with them.

and what the fuck kind of show is that? you have to tell us why neil and chris won't be joining you if you're playing lawrence arms songs.

Sean said...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST CAME AND SHAT!

I'm from Chicago, but just moved down to Miami, FL for college... first year... and lemme tell ya... I HAVE BEEN SHOW DEPRIVED FOR TOO LONG!!!

After the tragedy of missing the Fest 7 due to rides falling through multiple times, I canNOT miss this... it's gunna be ridiculous!!!

So you + dan = slapstick songs?... or falcon songs?.... or BOTH???

-Sean

[p.s. I was serious about the coming... and the cumming...]

Some Young Guy said...

HEY BEEHOLE! INDIANA GOT WITH THE PROGRAM LIKE 3 YEARS AGO.

janeharas said...

hey fuck you Brendan, not all of us have the means to go to Florida at the drop of a hat!! answering to two bosses doesn't help my cause in the matter either. ;)
-SJ