If you leave, I got nothing!

It’s night time and I’m home alone except for a sleeping baby and some sleeping dogs. Today I got an inch thick strip steak and I seared it three minutes, rotated it forty five degrees and seared it for another three minutes then did the same on the other side…this was all done over a hot grill, then I moved the steak to the other side of the grill, which was medium heat, and let it hang out there for five minutes. The result is the best steak I’ve probably ever grilled at home. I used liberal amounts of salt and pepper on both sides and that was it. If you’re the kind of person who finds steak to be enjoyable, I’d suggest this move…Don’t try this method with a steak thinner than an inch though, that’s not gonna work out.
My wife’s in New York and it’s just me and the baby. We’ve engineered a total rager here at the house. Actually, I watched a little south park and worked on a script for a while. Back in the day, if my wife went out of town, that meant I was going out to the bar and staying out until 2 am, guaranteed. Now, it means I’ve GOTTA go to bed early because I’m the only one wrangling the baby in the morning. Fuck. Interesting. Well, my life is dull. What else do I have?
Okay, so this dude wanted some advice and , in the spirit of laziness, I’m gonna give it to him. Here goes
Q:
hey Brendan!_asking for an advice (it's not about fucking but I hope you'll answer)._You say that confidence is the key with girls, but how can I be more confident?_I'm 24 and I'm with this girl for several months, she's nice and she says she love me, and I love her too, the problem is that before her I've been with a girl for 5 years and in the end of our relationship she cheated on me, so now I'm really distrustful and I can't live this relationship in a relaxed way and I'm very stressed._The girl I'm with now seems very sincere and she tried her best to have me (because before I met her I was going out with another girl) but I'm always worried to be cheated again and I've got always bad thoughts and I feel so pathetic..it sucks__teach me how can i be more confident

A:
Firstly, I can kind of hear your accent coming through in this letter, and it’s real adorable. I’d guess Germany, maybe Austria? Czech? Anyway, thankfully, confidence, cheating girlfriends and commitment are all international issues, much like global warming or Jews running everything, so I’m feeling qualified to reach overseas and help you with your issue…And that issue IS? “Confidence! How do I have it if I just don’t have it?”
It’s a great question and the best way I can guide you here is to reference a film. Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well, there’s this scene in it where Indy has to cross this chasm. According to his dad’s little book, he just needs to take a leap (really more like a step) of faith. This seems crazy, but when the motherfuckers that are chasing them get close enough, Indy goes for it…He holds his breath and steps out into the chasm and LOW AND BEHOLD!!!!! There’s a rock bridge there that’s just perfectly camouflaged with the distant rocky ground below. He had no clue it would be there, and it went against every fiber of his being to take that step, but it paid off in the end.
Now, confidence is the same way, ESPECIALLY if you’re gun-shy after a bad relationship or you’re some bird chested wimp or whatever your problem is that makes you doubt yourself and not trust your old lady…Okay, here’s the deal. You’re kind of an un-confident pussy, right? Fine. Well then, you’re gonna feel insecure. She’s got a guy friend, or she’s out with her slutty girl friends, or she didn’t call you, or she’s got this really big project with this hot guy, you’re worried she’s a lesbian, she keeps buying cucumbers and locking the bathroom door…Whatever the thing is, it doesn’t matter. It’s all gonna concern you, and unless you’re a woman beater (not a good idea), the natural instinct is to whine around and be a sensitive weeni and guilt her into not doing what she wants to do, BUT! Here’s the facts: Confidence is attractive to women. Lack of confidence is pussy repellant on the level of sweatpants, lockets with pictures of your mom in them, binoculars, a porn movie just in your hand while you walk down the street…you get the idea. NOTHING will drive your girl into the arms of that guy friend/sexy coworker/lesbian/cucumber faster than you acting like a pussy about her hanging out with said guy friend/sexy coworker/lesbian/cucumber. So you can’t. No acting like a pussy about it. Period. It may burn you up inside. It may make you want to scream and punch walls and say things like “OF COURSE HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!! HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE????”
But, see, you can’t say that. You need to be cool. Be unflappable. Never let her see you sweat because, and here’s the thing, if she’s gonna fuck around on you, she’s gonna do it anyway, so you can’t be stressed because there’s absolutely no tantrum you can throw that’s gonna prevent it, but if she’s AT ALL on the fence, your lack of confidence could, and often will be the thing that pushes her over the edge. I’ve been the pussy before and it’s no fun, and pretending that you don’t give a shit when you do is not fun either, but it’s important. Why? Because you SHOULDN’T care/worry about someone you like having a life besides her life with you, and you need to reteach yourself not to be a pussy about that stuff. Man, if I got hot and bothered every time my wife went out with her slutty friends or good looking coworkers, or whatever, I wouldn’t have time to blog or tour or anything. It’s an unhealthy waste of time and it is NEVER, in any case, and has never been, and will NEVER BE productive or positive in any way. Think of this as a mental health exercise…It’s killing irrational jealousy in yourself. You need to consciously suppress it at first, because you’re used to letting it overtake you. Once you’ve got it under control, your natural confidence will fill in and replace that jealousy.
This is not easy, but it’s gonna one of the best things you ever do for yourself. This is a promise. And again, if she’s gonna fuck around, you can’t do shit about it anyway. May as well escape with your dignity. This, by the way, is one of the few instances of this kind of thing that applies to women as well. In the case of jealousy and insecurity, it’s not sexy or healthy and it’ll never get you anywhere, so get rid of it. Even if you have to fake it at first, you’ll learn, and you’ll be so glad you did. Send nudes!
Bye.