Thursday, March 26, 2009

If you leave, I got nothing!

It’s night time and I’m home alone except for a sleeping baby and some sleeping dogs. Today I got an inch thick strip steak and I seared it three minutes, rotated it forty five degrees and seared it for another three minutes then did the same on the other side…this was all done over a hot grill, then I moved the steak to the other side of the grill, which was medium heat, and let it hang out there for five minutes. The result is the best steak I’ve probably ever grilled at home. I used liberal amounts of salt and pepper on both sides and that was it. If you’re the kind of person who finds steak to be enjoyable, I’d suggest this move…Don’t try this method with a steak thinner than an inch though, that’s not gonna work out.
My wife’s in New York and it’s just me and the baby. We’ve engineered a total rager here at the house. Actually, I watched a little south park and worked on a script for a while. Back in the day, if my wife went out of town, that meant I was going out to the bar and staying out until 2 am, guaranteed. Now, it means I’ve GOTTA go to bed early because I’m the only one wrangling the baby in the morning. Fuck. Interesting. Well, my life is dull. What else do I have?
Okay, so this dude wanted some advice and , in the spirit of laziness, I’m gonna give it to him. Here goes
hey Brendan!_asking for an advice (it's not about fucking but I hope you'll answer)._You say that confidence is the key with girls, but how can I be more confident?_I'm 24 and I'm with this girl for several months, she's nice and she says she love me, and I love her too, the problem is that before her I've been with a girl for 5 years and in the end of our relationship she cheated on me, so now I'm really distrustful and I can't live this relationship in a relaxed way and I'm very stressed._The girl I'm with now seems very sincere and she tried her best to have me (because before I met her I was going out with another girl) but I'm always worried to be cheated again and I've got always bad thoughts and I feel so sucks__teach me how can i be more confident

Firstly, I can kind of hear your accent coming through in this letter, and it’s real adorable. I’d guess Germany, maybe Austria? Czech? Anyway, thankfully, confidence, cheating girlfriends and commitment are all international issues, much like global warming or Jews running everything, so I’m feeling qualified to reach overseas and help you with your issue…And that issue IS? “Confidence! How do I have it if I just don’t have it?”
It’s a great question and the best way I can guide you here is to reference a film. Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well, there’s this scene in it where Indy has to cross this chasm. According to his dad’s little book, he just needs to take a leap (really more like a step) of faith. This seems crazy, but when the motherfuckers that are chasing them get close enough, Indy goes for it…He holds his breath and steps out into the chasm and LOW AND BEHOLD!!!!! There’s a rock bridge there that’s just perfectly camouflaged with the distant rocky ground below. He had no clue it would be there, and it went against every fiber of his being to take that step, but it paid off in the end.
Now, confidence is the same way, ESPECIALLY if you’re gun-shy after a bad relationship or you’re some bird chested wimp or whatever your problem is that makes you doubt yourself and not trust your old lady…Okay, here’s the deal. You’re kind of an un-confident pussy, right? Fine. Well then, you’re gonna feel insecure. She’s got a guy friend, or she’s out with her slutty girl friends, or she didn’t call you, or she’s got this really big project with this hot guy, you’re worried she’s a lesbian, she keeps buying cucumbers and locking the bathroom door…Whatever the thing is, it doesn’t matter. It’s all gonna concern you, and unless you’re a woman beater (not a good idea), the natural instinct is to whine around and be a sensitive weeni and guilt her into not doing what she wants to do, BUT! Here’s the facts: Confidence is attractive to women. Lack of confidence is pussy repellant on the level of sweatpants, lockets with pictures of your mom in them, binoculars, a porn movie just in your hand while you walk down the street…you get the idea. NOTHING will drive your girl into the arms of that guy friend/sexy coworker/lesbian/cucumber faster than you acting like a pussy about her hanging out with said guy friend/sexy coworker/lesbian/cucumber. So you can’t. No acting like a pussy about it. Period. It may burn you up inside. It may make you want to scream and punch walls and say things like “OF COURSE HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!! HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE????”
But, see, you can’t say that. You need to be cool. Be unflappable. Never let her see you sweat because, and here’s the thing, if she’s gonna fuck around on you, she’s gonna do it anyway, so you can’t be stressed because there’s absolutely no tantrum you can throw that’s gonna prevent it, but if she’s AT ALL on the fence, your lack of confidence could, and often will be the thing that pushes her over the edge. I’ve been the pussy before and it’s no fun, and pretending that you don’t give a shit when you do is not fun either, but it’s important. Why? Because you SHOULDN’T care/worry about someone you like having a life besides her life with you, and you need to reteach yourself not to be a pussy about that stuff. Man, if I got hot and bothered every time my wife went out with her slutty friends or good looking coworkers, or whatever, I wouldn’t have time to blog or tour or anything. It’s an unhealthy waste of time and it is NEVER, in any case, and has never been, and will NEVER BE productive or positive in any way. Think of this as a mental health exercise…It’s killing irrational jealousy in yourself. You need to consciously suppress it at first, because you’re used to letting it overtake you. Once you’ve got it under control, your natural confidence will fill in and replace that jealousy.
This is not easy, but it’s gonna one of the best things you ever do for yourself. This is a promise. And again, if she’s gonna fuck around, you can’t do shit about it anyway. May as well escape with your dignity. This, by the way, is one of the few instances of this kind of thing that applies to women as well. In the case of jealousy and insecurity, it’s not sexy or healthy and it’ll never get you anywhere, so get rid of it. Even if you have to fake it at first, you’ll learn, and you’ll be so glad you did. Send nudes!


DutchDude said...

That's great advice for us overseas fans.. haha.

Anonymous said...


I seek advice, but its not necessarily relationship advice, as seems to be the trend here (although its borderline i suppose...)

So, the story goes, I've been chillin with this girl between morning classes for a bit, and decided 'fuck it', and asked her to lunch...because 15-20 minutes a day a couple times a week isn't enough to get to know someone.

So she's definitely a winner. Hung around with her a bit, with her friends a little, and no complaints. She seems to like me a lot too.

Its the small details though...being that oh, she's apparently a lesbian. (Curveball! [as, she has nothing that ever made me suspect such {and no I'm not that dense and ignorant...}])

No biggie though, some of my best friends are gay. I call it a swing and a miss in the ol' relationship game, and wait for my next at-bat.

The question here is, this girl is definitely worth getting to know, as we share a lot of the same interests, views on life, get along well, etc etc. And its not so much a problem of 'getting over' this girl, as I know thats what I need to do, but I feel like I should be upfront with her about my original intentions, for the sake of honesty and stuff.

And thats where I'm having trouble, because the game changed, but I'm still walking on eggshells I guess (damn confidence), because although I can guess her reaction, I just don't know what to expect.

But I'm also the type of person who likes to let the 'honesty shit' hit the fan, and be really blunt with people. I just don't want to hit the girl too hard, because as you know, shit and fans generally make a stinky mess.
On the same day I found out this girl was a lesbian, this dude from one of my classes last semester, came over to me. Chatted a bit, exchanged numbers, whatever. So, apparently, he too is gay, and likes me. Also, he lacks confidence in every sense of the word. So he enjoys texting me, and at this point, its borderline obnoxious/stalkerish. I'd tell him to go fuck off (again, not having any problems with gays), but I feel like I'd kill whatever little confidence he has. And as we know, if he's going to get anywhere (just not with me), its going to be by building his confidence (I suppose I could help with that, if I had any interest in even friendship with the kid, but he has nothing going for him in my book).
I suppose at the end of the day, I should just say 'screw it', and a)be upfront with the girl (and confident while doing so), and tell the kid to piss off (and be confident in doing so).

But yeah, your opinion would be nice too...

Brian said...

You should set the two of them up.

Then they won't go to hell.

myassisapipebomb said...

are you participating in the earth hour or whatever on saturday where you turn off all the lights?

also, if you were influenced so much by Buzz and How To Clean Everything, very political and socially conscious albums, and made songs echoing those themes with the Broadways, what ever happened to those feelings about environmentalism and general awareness about problems in this country? did apathy and exhaustion kill them? heh...

Tyler J. Bernard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyler J. Bernard said...

When I was 14, I was something of a delinquent, and my parents told me that if I got baptized they would buy me a snowboard. I had to go to this class at church twice a week for like two months. One night, the pastor showed that same scene from The Last Crusade as some sort of metaphor for faith.

So I was baptized, got my snowboard, and haven't set foot in a church since.

ConditionOakland said...

Brendan, you HAVE to check this out.
My first thought was, "wow there actually are more heinous affronts to 'punk rock' than brokencyde." Then as I scrolled through their comments and pics, I found out that they have SERIOUS BEEF with brokencyde for mixing "gay hip hop" with hardcore (funny thing is I think they just hate all hip hop, not the vomit inducing fusion of it with screamo)
This is the culmination of the 'underground' left in the hands of right wing jocks who would have listened to nickleback and staind if it weren't for the internet.

Anonymous said...

ConditionOakland, I don't see any anti-brokencyde stuff on there. Maybe I didn't look close enough, anyway, they all look 12 and I love how half the band members have no shirts and the other half are dressed for the cold.

ConditionOakland said...

saulio, I think the brokencyde comment might have been on one of their personal pages actually (i was extremely bored and went trolling last night)nonetheless I was intrigued that the worst band I'd heard about this week mentioned the worst band I'd heard about a week ago, the suckage just seemed exponential.

Robb said...

I like the 'Nickelback/Staind if not for the internet' theory. But it just doesn't hold up, by way of the fact there are still listeners circa first quarter '09, when you can get wi-fi in your rectum. In theory, 'The State' should have never even been recorded, since the net was prevalent by 2000, and Chad Kroeger would have used it to discover he had no business making music. Lack of exposure is not an excuse in this age, so I wager actual inability to log on/navigate/read is the wild card here.

Alex said...

Only a respectable, dignified man like you would end such a heart-felt, reasonable response with "send nudes".

This is why you are the voice of a generation. Plus, Bob Dylan was kind of a jerk anyway.