Friday, August 21, 2009

Anoooooooo, Duuuuuuuuuuuude!

Okay, so today I have to go back to work. After all this high glitz and Hollywood glamour, I have to go back to asking people what kind of dressing they want on their salads. After meticulously listening to mixes and comparing potential album covers and fixing last minute credit omissions, I’m back to pouring 14oz faux pints of stella for assholes. After bemusedly watching a buddy of mine casually do key bumps at three in the afternoon while surfing the internet, I’m back to…wait, what? Jesus Christ, the doldrums of summer are upon us, right? And here in Chicago, nature has responded by just making it autumn early. Nice. We had…uh, two weeks of summer, I think. Real cool, Jesus. No wonder everyone hates you. So capricious with the sunshine.
Okay, tonight is a barbeque for a buddy of mine from Japan who’s now living in the US. He’s a great photographer, but beyond that, he’s the GREATEST dude on the planet. He’s obsessed with American slang, and that’s pretty much the only English he speaks, which makes for some pretty hilarious sentences, like “Ooooh! Master blaster! That’s super electric lips and assholes, muy bueno! I’m audi!” Which means, “hey, that was a good hot dog. Thanks. See you later.” He carries books and books of slang that he’s picked up while touring with bands and if you’re lucky enough to say something that he’s never heard before, you’ll be treated to his excitement as he whips out his book and asks you to explain the usage for the piece of slang you just introduced him to. He’s amazing. I’ll repeat this, because it’s so true. He’s amazing. If you’re EVER lucky enough to find yourself in the presence of Hiro Tanaka, stay close, because he’s a walking party, man. Fer real. Tonight we barbeque him. It’s gonna be great. He looks pretty wiry, but I think he’s gonna turn out pretty tender when it’s all said and done.

I was thinking about punk rock this morning, and I started thinking about one of my favorite types of “punk rockers,” namely, the peacocks. These are the ones with the two Mohawks, the chains and bondage pants and the sid spikes and the three belts and bleach and manic panic on their tour busses or in their bathroom at their moms house or whatever. You know the ones, right? They call themselves ‘street punk’ or ‘crusty’ but neither of those terms really seem very accurate to me, because there’s nothing street or crusty about peacocks. They’re meticulously constructed and everything is clean and they spend more time getting ready than a sixteen year old debutante from Georgia does before a cotillion, and I don’t know, man…it’s just so fucking goofy, you know? Now, I’m not talking about actual crusty kids (who are just as make-fun-of-able, but for different reasons) or actual ‘street punks’ (whatever the fuck that means) I’m talking about the dudes with the neck tattoos, fancy, fresh dyed crazy hair, jean vests, 400 dollar pre shredded ensemble, the fashion punks. These fucking dudes are hilarious. This is a look that in some universe is supposed to make you look tough? You look like a fucking circus clown mixed with a pageant contestant. These guys tend to listen to music about smashing states and anarchy and stuff like that, but man, without sweatshops, there’d be only one zipper on your pants…not to mention, any true state of anarchy would result in actual tough guys beating the crap out of you and stealing all your jewelry. Sure, you’re all painted up, but you’re tough the way ed Norton is in Fight club. We understand where it’s coming from because we see the story around it, but we also know it’s just a story, and I don’t think anyone REALLY buys it. There has never been a truly badass dude who has had to spend an hour and a half doing their hair before they go out and stomp motherfuckers. Sure, there are probably dudes out there who get all dolled up like this who could kick my ass, yeah. For sure there are. BUT, and this is a big point, they’re dorks. I mean, there are probably some retarded guys who could beat my ass. There are some girls who could beat my ass. The ability to beat my ass is not the issue. It’s not hard. Acting like a fucking makeup kit, sink counter full of hair products and goofy jewelry and clothes make you tough, that’s the issue. Right? I mean, am I crazy here? Not since the bad guy in Commando have people so woefully miscalculated the appearance of toughness, and that’s all I’m trying to say.
There are trannies in Chicago who are fucking tough. They’re mean as shit and they’re big and they will stomp you into fucking applesauce. THEY spend a lot of time getting ready and doing their hair, and they look fucking terrifying. THAT’S the look you peacocks should maybe go for if you just need the beauty regimen part. (also, trannies, I am NOT making fun of y’all. You girls are beautiful. Don’t kill me.)
Okay, that’s all for now. These sandwiches aren’t gonna serve themselves.
xoxoxo

29 comments:

Crooks Blogojevich said...

BK and crusty Socks, is it just me, or is 'punk' on par with 'reality' when used in the term 'reality television' (anymore)? I live literally around the corner from the L&L (I know, you're cool, blah blah blah), and the Black Queens are closer to the original punk ethos than peacocks (term I hadn't heard before and love now).

Also, to iterate BK's thought, imagine taking the shitty, self-centered and idiotic personality of a white suburban teenage bitch and putting that in the frame of someone like T.O., dolled up in heels and make-up. No one's gonna fuck with the queens after dark (couldn't resist, sorry).

AlexCanteen said...

I was at a Mustard Plug show in Buffalo about two years ago and started talking to some of these guys. One of them (the worst smelling one) kept trying to scare people by telling us about how he sold heroin and stabbed people at work.
Dude, you're at a Mustard Plug show.

myassisapipebomb said...

uhh you're from barrington right? so didn't you have the 77's at your high school? or were they after your time?
you know, the punk rock gang that beats up 13 year olds for wearing a Stiff Little Fingers t-shirt and not knowing every album they've ever put out by heart?
well anyway, they always start shit at shows. last year at riot fest at the congress :( when teenage bottlerocket was playing (total fight music), they were TRYING to find individual people to beat up. 5 on 1 style. one big guy just punched their leader (who looked like Ducky from pretty in pink) in the face and they left.
anyway, my point is, can you shed some light on them?

DrDoom said...

I attended a most excellent BBQ with Hiro on Mike Park's living room tour. I've never seen a man take so many pictures of bacon in my entire life. Dude is just fucking clutch.

Capt Murdock said...

I attended a most excellent BBQ with Dr Doom and Hiro on Mike Park's living room tour.

I talked about Hip Hop and with him and John Candy's son. Also Hiro took a bunch of video of me talking about my wife.

Give him a kiss for me.

amandatague said...

i think it's proof that the transgendered folk in this town are tough as shit when they have taken over the belmont and clark area which used to belong to the peacocks and the peacock-like skinheads.

did you hear about the angry transwoman who busted in some windows at clark's with a shovel a couple years back.

RyanTheGreat! said...

Out here in California you can't tell Trannys from Girls. So basicly there is no safe ground.

Scott said...

wait Barrington? How did i miss that?? I live and have always lived in the Fox Valley. Shit, I worked at that country club for YEARS. My dad was a teacher at Barrington HS for 33 years. Luckily I did not go to BHS, but those rich kid punks are the worse. We used to always ask them what they would do when dressing like that stopped being popular. The only response was either "Fuck you" or blank stares

Jesus said...

I was at AM! concert a few years back, and in between openers me and buddies were scouting out the crowd for the upcoming pit. We started talking to the walking cliche 'punx' and questioned them about their shit and how much it got them in the hole. One dude actually admitted to spending over 500$ on his jean vest with the studs and the all the h-core patches on it.

Then we met the DKM guy, he was wearing a Drop Kick Murphies shirt, was at least two hundred and fifty pounds of solid rugby player muscle, and totally trashed. This guy would literally sprint around the circle pit, waiting for you to get off balance and then just fucking thrash you, I'm pretty sure he broke one dudes arm.

But as big of douchebags as these two classes were, it was still satisfying as hell watching DKM guy clean the pit out before picking out 500$ vesty and dumping him on his face.

AdamD said...

Hiro is awesome, for sure.

drew said...

Any trend founded on irony is easy to ridicule. IE: 'crusties' thinking they're different and not hip, or emaciated fashion-dweebs listening to "doom-metal" or metalcore, or whatever the dweeby idiom for horrible double-bass pedal music is that makes them feel tough.

I would much rather hangout with some hipster bitch who knows she's a hipster bitch, than some self-delusional douche with dreadlocks and an amebix patch on his cut-off shorts! (Though I'd like to try and stay clear of both said categories)

P.S Don't Write said...

Hiro is my favourite. I wanted to keep him in Scotland. He has this way of cheering you up no matter how shitty your day has been.

What a legend.

http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v216/122/96/515733283/n515733283_484712_5134.jpg

LEGEND.

Owner Operator said...

beeks,

when you come to australia can you bring hiro with you so i can expereicen the hero that he is?

cheers

word verification: apoonsi
haha. poon


cheers

kylewagoner said...

Sounds like SOMEONE doesn't want the new Casualties album when it comes out next week....

love,
Kyle

Richard Loser said...

i have a question for you. i am a HUGE fan of the Lawrence Arms, Falcon, and Slapstick. i was wondering does anyone who are fans of you come into the bar you work in and recognize you? ask for autographs, just wanna talk to you, etc etc?

EarlyMN said...

What is punk? punk was a term coined to a dead age of poor people. people who looked back in pictures of "punks" saw these people as either icons (fuck malcom mclauren and the sex pistols) or real thinkers who they aligned themselves with idealogically (numerous credits are due here). if you think you are a punk be`cause you listen to TLA or AM! or American Steel or whatever band, you are fooling yourselves. You are an "impression of an original" and you "defeat the fucking purpose". Punk is dead. Buried with Sid Vicious or GG Allin, or whoever. Saying someone is not punk is a waste of words. YOU are not punk, I am not punk. Basicaly, no one outside of the oldest fucks around (iggy Pop, I'm tipping my hat to you) are punks, and even then they are disease ridden and entirely geriatric. Punk was a time and a place. The questioning youth now is something different. Something more, I think. But that's just my opinion. An it wouldn't be punk to really press it.

kennyg said...

dude. A-FUCKING-MEN!

Robb said...

Well I never thought of it THAT way, EarlyMN! Shall you next dazzle us with the epiphany that we live in a soulless age of bullshit consumerism?

Robb said...

Well regardless, nobody can argue how punk this guy is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A0vxuoOtdM&feature=channel

Sean said...

I can only assume you just listened to the new casualties stream....

i've never been a fan... but this is just purely ridiculous.

Definitely "make-fun-able"

tee hee.

Keri said...

as mentioned above, peacock is synonymous with 77's,

Jorubo said...

Ummm...is anyone elses week dragging ass? Just wondering

RyanTheGreat! said...

Any one else waiting for a new post? Work just isn't the same without the wise words of Brendan.

FAskies said...

agreeing with ryan

going a day without a bsc post is tough. But the man needs to to whatever it he does (masturbating, bartending, watching dogs/ small children, making music, etc).

word verification = nopork lmfao

Banana@1000MPH said...

I know Brendan is busy and I can respect that, but he should really upload a picture of his dick or something so we know he is alive - I guess the murderer might be able to do that too though.

Robb said...

To address your pithy question in a straightforward and genuine manner, Ryan--I did some checking around and it appears that no, nobody else is awaiting any further bsc updates; you are quite literally the only one. I hope this has proven helpful.

Owner Operator said...

way to be a fuck head Robb. I like it! ha. sometimes the obvious makes me a little antsy... that and also no posts by bk in a while... which i'm sure is what's really irking you... that and your incredibly small penis.


cheers

Robb said...

Scorcher~! As history has shown, anyone who uses penis size as a source of ridicule is ALWAYS a real python. So you've got that going.
But yeah, it IS mostly the small cock, which I combat with a weekend warrior crack habit and extensive UFC dvd collection.

Owner Operator said...

pythons my midle name :P haha cheers n beers my man