Monday, August 17, 2009

dude, strange things are afoot...

Yesterday I rode a bicycle made for a six year old girl for four hours. I also smoked ten cigarettes and drank a lot of apple juice. I usually never do any of these things. But fuck, man, this is what I do for art. I also worked last night and just woke up. It’s fucking late. I need to pick up my bike from my friend-who-has-no-sweat-glands’s house. That’s a truth. He was born without em. Apparently he can get his hands kind of sweaty if he squeezes a penny for a long time, because a few glands grew into his palm in the last few years, but otherwise, nope. Dry as a bone. I’ve talked about this before, I’m sure, but it’s always good to get new readers on the same page, yesno? Good. I should also go to the gym. Dumb smoking. It’s gross. I don’t believe I used to do that shit for fun.

Actually, it was more than fun. I smoked because I thought it looked cool. That’s the only reason anyone ever starts smoking and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. You know why? Because there’s no other reason to start smoking. No non smoker ever was nervous and suddenly, out of nowhere decided that a cigarette would calm them down. That’s a tic brought on by addiction and/or socialization. No non smoker ever looked at someone wafting disgusting smoke at them after a meal and decided, ‘that really does look like it would make this dining experience complete.” The first time you ever smoke a cigarette, it makes you sick. The second time you smoke a cigarette, it makes you sick. There’s NO POINT where the flavor ever tastes good. Cigarettes taste like shit. You know that smell? It’s similar to that of burnt hair? That’s cigarettes, that’s also how they taste. They make you smell like shit, taste like an ashtray, look like a piece of beef jerky, die, and generally look like a neurotic turd who has to step out onto the porch every fifteen minutes to indulge your disgusting habit. AND, you CAN’T EVEN GET INTO IT WITHOUT GETTING SICK AND PRACTICING! It’s impossible to introduce poison to an organism and have it be a pleasurable experience. Only in repetition can cigarettes become enjoyable. And THAT, my friends, is why anyone who tells you that they smoke for any reason other than “I thought it looked cool” is just like someone who tells you they read playboy for the articles or goes to Thailand for the history of it all…full of shit. You know why people go to Thailand, right, dogs of war? Discuss in the sock drawer. Go ahead.

When my band, the Lawrence Arms, first started, we had this idea for a seven inch. We had the title picked out and we even knew what the cover was gonna be. We promised ourselves that our first seven inch would have this name and this cover. Well, we never did a seven inch (except for one that was part of a label series, which meant that the cover and the title were sort of more beholden to the big picture rather than our dumb ideas) and the whole thing kind of languished, and now, ten years later, in conjunction with our ten year anniversary show and subsequent west coast run (the first run in over 2 years), we’ve got our first real seven inch on our hands. And guess what? We fucking named it the name that we thought up ten years ago. That’s right, assholes. When we decided what our first seven inch was gonna be called, ‘a digital release’ sounded like some sort of futuristic way to blow your load using your computer, and yet this fucking record is gonna be released digitally with an extra song. That’s, again, right, asshats. You guys wanna know what it’s called? Do you? It’s called Buttsweat and Tears. Why? Well, for one thing, they’re the two most secreted liquids from the three of us over the last decade, but of course we didn’t know that would be the case when we thought up the title. We just thought it sounded tough, you know?
What? Sure it does. Sigh.
I’m out of here. Later, puds.

20 comments:

Jesus said...

You have no idea how pissed I am that you're not finishing the West Coast tour in Vancouver or something. Please...?

When the fuck can we pre-order the EP!

Nico said...

Whenever people ask me why I smoke, I always say "because it looks cool" and they always look at me like I am fucked. I don't care. I know in my heart that in 2009, looking cool still counts for something.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Brendan, tell your friends to quit marrying each other. Do they even know they've pissed off both Oregon and Washington by once again foiling us out of the Larry Arms?

Kevin Burnett said...

People go to Thailand for the hookers. My buddy went to Thailand for two years to "teach English." No. He went for the hookers. And yes cigarette smoking is not cool, and I started it to look cool and impress a chick. And now I am mostly quit but the damn things still have their filters on my soul, and if I am having more than one beer it is very difficult to not have a smoke.

Dan said...

"we’ve got our first real seven inch on our hands"

I doubt it's the first

Steely Hoover said...

Ahh, buttsweat! Love it, in the context of a title that is. Buttsweat itself blows, especially when you are sitting on a hard barstool, it just makes your ass itch really bad. But quite genius in a title. I'm excited that it wasn't thought of by someone else in the last 10 years cause that would have probably weighed heavy on your hearts. Oh, I first smoked a menthol to cure a sore throat, f'ing catch 22 though. No, it's totally because I thought Winston Lights had a "cool" package.

Candice said...

i think the opening line of this blog is the best yet.

my dad told my mom to start smoking cigarettes about 16 years ago because he thought it was sexy. now she can't quit. what a bunch of assholes.

and by your love of guess her muff, i really doubt that jizz isn't the most secreted fluid from your body. killer name though for the 7 inch. i can't wait!

admp said...

Can't introduce poison to an organism and have it be pleasurable?

Mr. Kelly, could it be you've never taken shrooms?

Scott said...

sooo......when will i be able to lose my time listening to this new 7incher?

Benjamin said...

I think you'd really enjoy this.

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/38089341.html#cutid1

Robb said...

Do you ever just straight-up make Tobias Funke jokes to Tobias Jeg? Or at least back when Arrested Development was still something people actually talked about? I think I would, were I his friend. Well, I like to fancy myself 'the friend he has yet to meet', but yeah.

Also, BK vs. Nardwuar. What I'd give to see that. He's had far less worthy 'opponents'. He did Hilary Duff and Corey Taylor, for fuck's sake. Scratch that--TLA/Nardwuar. Neil and Chris need to be in on that shit. 'Doot-doodoo-doot-doot...'

myassisapipebomb said...

people go to thailand to have a tranny chomp their shlongs off in a drug induced sleep, then sew it onto some girl while she's all drugged up too. it's called an Addadicktomey.

Bridgett said...

I went to that lovely link posted by Benjamin, and found this.

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

Would be better without black bars all over the place, but it seems Bad Sandwich worthy.

Seagull Steve said...

People go to Thailand for the reasons already stated. And might I add that besides trannies, people go to have sex with that young shit too. Not my idea of fun though.

To the Sock Drawer: Dan, that was pretty funny, and mushrooms are overrated.

kylewagoner said...

I wonder how long it'll take punknews.org to report that your new 7" has a title based on this blog post. I do wish cigarettes weren't awful for you because I'd totally start. I came to accept that schools lie to you the whole time you grow up saying that smoking doesn't look cool; it makes you look fucking badass no matter what they argue. Too bad it kills you and robs you, too...

love,
Kyle

Mr. Stylson said...

If you poop your pants, but you're wearing shorts, aren't you really just pooping on your foot?

Capt Murdock said...

Hmmm lemme guess. Your filming a scene where the lead character (you) drinks tons of whiskey (apple juice)and smokes sbunch in a bar. Afterward he forgets where the car is parked and hilarity ensues when he is forced to ride a child's bike home.

Please let me know if I'm close.

PIXI said...

that sounds about right

Katie said...

I had a dream last night that I walked into a tattoo shop and BK was getting two zombie chihuahua's tattooed on his back

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