Monday, August 10, 2009

bizarre situations?

Welcome home. My house looked like a fucking dog poo fetishist’s wet dream when we got back here due to some serious negligence on the part of our beloved dogsitter. He combined diarrhea inducing chew sticks that they’re allergic to with a little bit of the old classic “blind eye” to the massive shit deposits everywhere. End result? Trip to the rug cleaners, couch cleaning, massive hands and knees scrubbing last night. Seriously exhausted daddy. It’s cool though, as I just happen to BE a dog poo fetishist. I love it when it’s warm under my nails.
Today I just narrowed down the cover of our new record to four potential photos. Up next, I email the label and see if there’s gonna be an insert on this bad boy. This should all happen pretty quick. I think I’m gonna go in and hear the final mixes/sequence this afternoon and then that’s pretty much it. Well, no. I still need to get a designer to lay it out for me, but it shouldn’t be hard. Simple placement of words, you know? Well, I guess I still have a few songs to name…that’s always fun. I’m thinking “even at our best we’re worse than most, unless they’re also at their worst, in which case, eh…maybe we stand a chance” is a pretty good title. Whaddaya think? Is that too niche of a joke? What can I tell you? I’m a real snob, man.
Okay, okay. My friend Eric, who I hung out with this weekend has an intern, a la Kramer on Seinfeld. Eric has no job. He watches a baby and dicks around on his bass and dicks around on his computer and he’s got this intern who’s a highschool kid who comes over and does his bidding. It’s amazing. The kid’s a really talented artist, and so Eric just has him draw shit for his band, logos, tshirt designs, shit like that. In return, I guess Eric imparts some wisdom on him in the form of how to steal computer programs and general pointers on life. I dunno. It’s fucking funny. Eric and his intern. HA! And, it’s pretty smart. I mean, fuck, maybe I need an intern. Anyone out there want to be my intern. Here’s the qualifications: My baby must like you. You must live in Chicago. You must have a nice rack (photo required) but you don’t necessarily have to be a chick, Um, what else? You will not get paid, as this is a highly coveted position, kind of like in the Pursuit of Happyness (sic), where the learning is reward enough. Um, you should probably be able to do something that interests me, and you must have a general sense of aesthetic and design skill. This does NOT just mean that you think you can kind of draw. Repeat: this does NOT just mean that you think you can kind of draw. Jesus Christ, my band did a contest about 4 years ago to have someone design a tshirt for us, and the garbage that flooded in was remarkable. So many people, such a very tiny little amount of talent. Anyway, back to the requirements: No junkies, no aversions to dogshit, no aversions to babies, no losers or turds. That kind of rules out most of you, huh? Well, I don’t wanna have to post on Craigslist, so don’t let me down, Dogs of War.
There was one other thing…Oh yeah, my friend Eric, the guy with the intern is friends with Andy Johns, music producer extraordinaire of Led Zeppelin 4 and Exile on Main street fame. He told Eric a story, which Eric recounted to me about one time when he was over at a party at Salvador Dali’s place. It was a fancy affair, with butlers and servants and shit, and after the 7 course meal, Andy was getting ready to leave. At this point, Salvador said, “andy, wait…I’m having a little show after dinner” and so the guests, in all of their finery sat down on these nice velvet couches, and a servant wheeled out a female corpse, and there, beneath the chandelier, one of the guests fucked it. The deceased was described as “green”.
That’s what I mean by having a sense of aesthetic, people. That’s a show. Not a bunch of spinkicks and flipping your haircut out of your eyes. Let’s fuck some corpses! I mean seriously.
Okay, seriously though, good luck out there kids…Lotsa pervs walking around. Oh, and speaking of that, I’ve been getting queries for advice lately, but I haven’t been answering. Don’t fret, little socks. I’ve got advice to give. I’ve just been waiting for the right day. Perhaps tomorrow.


kylewagoner said...

Yeah, I don't have any of those qualities. I only clean dog shit of my own dog and I don't have my own dog that lives inside, so that rules that out. I live in West Virginia, which rules that out. Hmm...just not gonna happen for me.


Candice said...

i want to apply for the job.

i think i have a nice rack. i used to be a daycare teacher and kids love me. i'll probably be a pediatrician in 2 more years. and as far as talents go i can give digital rectal exams and perform circumcisions. i can also do other things with male genitals. good things.

i can be in chicago in 2 hours.

Jayzilla said...


can i be your SF intern...things that i would do:
1) be drunk at work
2) be annoying at work
3) shower/shave weekly
4) have a self running contest to see how many days in a row of wearing my bsc tshirt it takes for holes to appear

(note: day 6, no holes)

trolley said...

Apologies if this has been posted before, but Juggalo Gathering:

Anonymous said...

hm, your internship sounds oddly like the one i'm doing now, difference being, your internship doesn't lie about internship duties. rage.

Katie said...

maybe being your intern would help dilute how miserable I am during my day job. but the resume is almost ready to send out to potential new employers, along with a million other kids with art degrees looking for jobs in this city. ugh.

christa! said...

Hey BK!

If you need a designer I just happen to be one. I design stuff for bands here in Boston.

Check it! (new stuff)
(not updated in forever but proves I went to college)

I can draw for real, so don't you worry. I went to art school and work as a designer as my day job.

...also I have been told I have a nice there's that...

Eddie said...

i'd be a decent intern. at my best i'm still worse than most. however i go to school in dekalb so i'd only be able to work the weekends. this reminds me, come back out to dekalb. it's not like it's too far away.

i've also got a nice rack.

Jesus said...

I've got a nice rack, but I kind of live in Canada. And I'm a dude. They're rugged and solid though, come up here for a feel, maybe even a show..

I betcha Tom Gabel would laugh at the song title, you should ask him.

Any good stories with you and Tom?

Seagull Steve said...

Good show, old chap, good show!

Scott said...

so i read this morning that lady gaga is a hermaphrodite...the whole time i was reading the article, i kept thinking this has "BSC" written all over it.

Daniel said...

Well I think little kids are awesome, I live in a south side suburb (10 minute drive into the city), i can tell you incredibly dirty jokes since I do go to an all guys catholic high school, but I can't draw. I know really good artists though. I can be like your personal whipping boy otherwise. Also my parents have been nagging me to get a job, so this seems like a cool chance to get them off my back even if I don't get paid. If you pick me I can drive you around in my '97 Camaro or my uncle's Corvettes. Please give me a chance! And I love all the bands you have been in. TLA rules!

myassisapipebomb said...

alright, i've been trying to convince my special someone to do a little anal. give it a try, see what happens from there. pretty normal right? well, except i want to give and not receive this anal. i'm confident and respectful in my speaking about it, but(t) it hasn't worked out...yet. i researched it to try and convince her that i know whats going on down there, and still, no dice. am i doing something wrong? am i actually a perv for wanting to do this? i mean, you're doing doggystyle and you see the butthole just hanging out there, what about an "accidental" slip in there? oh also, and i'm not bragging, but i'm just saying physically, that the "plug" and the "outlet" may not be a comfortable size...ya dig?

i don't know. anyone in the drawer, or brendan, that can shed some light on this, gimme some help or tips or advice, it would be much appreciated.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I say go with that song title.

And, more importantly, I know this blog is at least half a joke, but you just asked someone who is willing to fuck corpses to watch after your baby.

Anonymous said...

Pipe Bomb,

Speaking from my own experience, if she is absolutely adamant that she is not into that idea...then it's not going to happen.

However if she's just never done it or is hesitant...start with the minor leagues...a little brush here and there during foreplay...don't go for the home run or anything, just casually excite the general vicinity...then see how she can always use the "Oops, my hand/mouth slipped by accident" if she reacts poorly.

I'm not a big fan myself but hey, plenty of people no, you aren't a perv either.

VoicesOffCamera said...

Ha! I remember that Lawrence Arms shirt contest. I have a friend who is an ace artist trying to break into comics that I tried to get to enter he contest but he never did.

What ended up being the winning design?

And speaking of shirts, why is it so hard to find Larry Arms shirts online? I have a red one from the Lagwagon tour and the black one from Asian Man, but both are looking pretty ragged now.


Sean said...

1) I got too drunk at your wedding and my voice got loud
2) I live in the windy city
3) Dogs are the shit
4) I don't paint skulls on my face
5) I came down to FL w/ my friend for that acoustic Cafe 11 show... and recorded it.
6) I have a nicer rack than Candice...
7) I'm told I'm a "good lay," just tackin' that on there
8) Anything else you could possibly fathom...

... stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

oh, and I agree with that "hard to find a lawrence arms shirt" comment... i've got that "Man with a gun lives here" one... and it's pretty ill...

also, did you know that there is such thing as a "Juggabro?"... it's like that awful Powerman 5000 song about world's colliding... fuck.

Nina said...

I'll also apply. I cannot draw, but my puppy loves me.

Robb said...

I exhibit few of the qualities outlined, though I've been told I have "the velveteen touch of a dandy fop".

Bridgett said...

I don't have a nice rack, but I'll gladly clean up dog and baby shit, draw pictures of stupid shit like cubes and tornadoes for free, as well as do your bidding. It would be at least ten times better than the shit I'm getting paid to do on a daily basis, minimum.

Candice said...

sean- how dare you!

Kyle said...

I've heard from someone about a really old lawrence arms shirt that just has a bad review of Ghost Stories on it, like the review says it's absolutely shit. I really want to get that shirt, I'm all for irony.