Tuesday, August 11, 2009

hallelujah! holla back!

Hey ho dildos, it’s Tuesday, which is farmer’s market day and also a day to reflect on how fucking insane things have become around here. I’m shooting test footage today for a movie, AND I’m organizing all the art/lyrics/mixes/song titles for our new record, AND I’m hosting a houseguest from Norway with a vestigial tail, AND I’m doing some stuff for my wife’s company and, and AND I’m being a daddy, and I’m doing all the goddamned laundry, not the least of which was a load of rugs brought on by the poo marathon that took place in here last week (see yesterday’s post “bizarre situations?” for details) AND, AND AND AND, there’s a chance one of the rugs is a little bit pink now, thanks to my harried attempt to get everything done. This will not go over well when my wife gets home, unless she’s in a great mood, and even then, who knows?
You know, it’s not really that pink. Just slightly tinged. I mean, pink’s a cool color, right? A lot of my favorite things are pink. Flamingos, perfect example.
Mark Twain once said that houseguests were like fish and begin to stink after about three days. I find myself completely flummoxed when it comes to having a guest these days. I go to bed early, I get up early. I’ve got a blog to write and hordes of people to entertain, and I’ve got this kid who kind of dictates my schedule, and, AND, I’ve got a job. I don’t know how long this guy is staying here. Frankly, I don’t want to know, I will say though, in his defense, that 2 years ago he stayed here for a solid 3 months and when he left it was a bummer, and not just for him…it was a bummer for my wife and for me too. However, that was, of course, before the baby came along and turned our house into an Elmo shrine, so we’ll see.
I dunno, folks. Sometimes having a lot to do is overwhelming and it makes it impossible to sleep, other times it offers a sense of purpose that has a very calming and focusing effect. When I was completely unemployed with nothing to do but dick around, I felt like I was going crazy. When I was just working a couple of days a week at a bar, I’d completely lose it if I had to get a shift covered or go to the post office or anything like that. Now that I’m so busy that I literally don’t have enough time to change my clothes, I’m getting tons of shit done in my scraps of down time. Yesterday, for example, my father’s day present finally came. It’s a ghetto revival hoodie. You may remember the Ghetto Revival and it’s spokesman, John Brown, the “King of the Burbs” from the greatest reality show of all time, Ego Trip’s uh…the next great white rapper (or something approximating that). He was the slope faced mongaloid with the flow that sounded kind of like he was deaf, who kept repeating catch phrases without any notion of what they meant, and without any comprehension of why people were angered and confused by him.
It’s a testament to how great (read:terrible) the competition was that he came in second place behind an irish inbred hillbilly who’s flow was one part lobotomized Appalachian auctioneer, one part terrible Bubba Sparxxx impersonation. (White people, take note: you should, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES be wearing a grill of any kind. It just looks creepy and gross. Yes it does.)
Anyway, my wife, who knew how obsessed I was with the show, hooked up an awesome John Brown “ghetto Revival” (apparently the name of his crew) hoodie, but it never came. She even had to get paypal involved and the whole deal.
Yesterday, before nine AM, I contested a traffic ticket and then went down to the post office where, using an old USPS slip, I sweet talked the lady into giving me my package even though it was addressed to my wife and it was already on the truck to go back to the hard assed Ghettos of Davis California (where the king of the burbs throne be), and it was my hoodie. Sweet. Only thing is, the fucking thing is an XL. Make no mistake, I’m still gonna figure out how to wear it, but I’m a tad bummed…He’s not printing mediums. He’s got a big sale on XL’s because he (like everyone who makes hoodies for the first time) foolishly believed that people wanted XL’s. He sold through all the rest of his sizes and doesn’t want to print anything else till he gets rid of the garage of xl’s he’s sitting on, at least that’s my theory.
Thing is, no one wants XL’s. We don’t even print but four of them for a tour, and we rarely have complaints, AND we’re a lot more popular than Ghetto Revival (at least I hope we are).
Anyway, I know he’s out of mediums and if I ship it back and say “yo! King of the burbs! I ordered a medium, what the fuck?” He’s not gonna send shit back and it’s just gonna be more drama, and frankly, I’m scared of John Brown. He’s hard. He’s got friends that look like authentic negroes and he smokes cigars with green tobacco inside. You’d best believe I’m afraid.
Okay, enough of this bullshit. I’ve gotta go interrupt the Norwegian guys’ jerk session to tell him I’m stepping out for a quick bike ride. Hope he’s at least got the dignity to be under the sheets, you know?

18 comments:

planespotting said...

I can see why you print only a few XLs for tour merch - most of your fans are emaciated/small/thin punk and emo kids. Unfortunately, I fall outside that stereotype and always have, which is a bummer since I've more or less existed within this scene of predominantly emaciated/small/thin punk and emo kids since I was 15.

I'm 6'2, 235 pounds of broad-shouldered manhood, and nothing less than an XL (or an over-sized L) will do when I'm shopping for garments.

Tony Monley said...

Threw me off with use of the word 'garments' there planespotting. No one uses that word enough this century

FAskies said...

yah pretty much the same for me planespotting. I am a big guy, and I made the mistake a few times of getting a Large (at a concert), and it was borderline too tight

Jayzilla said...

this seems like as good as time as any for t-shirt requests for the tour..


TYE DIE

Andrew said...

oh god here we go with the tye die jay.

I laughed pretty hard at "elmo shrine" I was a winnie the poo kid myself as a toddler

Bridgett said...

You better be making some XLs, my fat ass wants a t-shirt. And none of that American Apparel crap either.

Nikki said...

Well, John Brown's fans can't be real gangstas, otherwise they'd be buying lots of double XL (har har).

I always have the opposite problem with t-shirts (there's never any smalls or mediums for chicks, and then the ones that are available fit like they were made for a dude and fail to accentuate the breasticles). ::sigh::

I guess I should just go get some vaginaplasty and bleach my asshole to compensate for my inability to fit into a normally-sized person's t-shirt.

Matt Ramone said...

Dude, your band is orgcore. We're all beer gutted.

Scott said...

i am 6 foot 5 and 225ish pounds. Large american apparel fit perfect. I hate baggy shirts, but i also hate those skin tight affliction bullshit stuff.

Hey hey hey, how about an exclusive Shitrt for the 10 year chicago show???

kylewagoner said...

Yeah, no one buys our XL shirts. Fuck, no one buys our shirts, but no one even LOOKS at our XL shirts. They make better tents than clothing. I guess that's not nice to people the wear XL. Still, here's one thing I hate: when I order a small and I get Youth XL. There's a big fucking difference, Ben, the merch guy from D4, and that is that the Youth XL you gave me flares out at the bottom real stupid like ALL Youth XL shirts. Do I like like an obese pre-pubescent boy? I'd hope not. Anyway, that was my only complaint from the last D4 show. Oh, and Lane wasn't there, which was totally lame, too. It was D3 plus that guy from The Arrivals.

love,
Kyle

Hoffa said...

I've done merch for a few tours of a metal band, and I had to sternly remind them that they needed not only more XL, but 2XL and 3XL as well.

The last time I did merch for them was at a fest in May, and the 2XL & 3XL shirts were the most-asked about even after they were long gone.

In conclusion, metalheads are way more fat than Lawrence Arms fans.

Steely Hoover said...

Your "garage full of XL's theory" appears precise. The King of da Burbz' Merch site is selling Hoodies size XL only for $30. All other sized hoodies, $45. Last I knew it took more fabric to make larger shirts and typically would be the ones that cost more so this brother MUST have an ass load of XL's. I love that he is trying to revive the ghetto through t-shirt sales. Congrats on helping the cause BK. Next week I Intend on doing my part through lemonade stand sales, I was thinking $.50 for 12 oz and $.25 for 16 oz (got a garage full of pint sized glasses)

steveisjewish said...

Best john Brown rap from that show was when rapping about brooklyn "a lot like Malcolm, I wannt Be X" That shit was clever

Buddy said...

That was prety funny when the nigras from Dead Prez was bustin John Brown's balls for the 'ghetto revival' phrase. Misfit was fuckin smokin hott..she's like the white, english foxy brown..tons of songs about lickin big black dicks and her hott pussy and such..

HeLLaDaNTe said...

Oh my god.. Steely Hoover, I just about died laughing at your "garage full of pint sized glasses" Funny shit man..

Steely Hoover said...

Thank you kind sir.

Owner Operator said...

not all flamingos are pink.

word verification: prandle
that's just awesome

Andrew said...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090812/ap_on_re_us/us_militia_movement

brendan this article caught my eye today on yahoo news. maybe you saw it. what the fuck? this should be like a huge issue right? I mean I care more about this than fucking healthcare plans or where our black president is going for lunch tomorrow. I wanted to know if you have an opinion on it. This is seriously so fucked up, if it's true.