Thursday, August 6, 2009

cut! It! Out!

Gooooooooooood morning. I just learned how to turn off the censor when I google image search, so I’ve been wasting time typing ‘dong’ and ‘vagina’ and just kind of chuckling for the past twenty or so minutes. I was just reading about vaginaplasty when my browser crashed. Apparently this is a hot thing nowdays. No flaps, no curtains. Just a modern, sleek clearly delineated vagina. Nothing but clean lines, it’s the embodiment of cosmopolitan sophistication. Unforch for you, your vagina isn’t so nice. It’s, well, flappity…Uneven. Hey, not your fault though. Some people go bald, some people are born with baby tyrannosaurus arms, some people do everything they can and still cart around a spare tire of unsightly flab. You, you’ve got a repulsive vagina. So go ahead. Do what you know you want to do and pay a few thousand dollars to get the pussy you never knew you always wanted until suddenly you saw this article and asked yourself “oh my god! What is this disgusting squid that I’ve been sitting on all this time? I must, MUST do something about this!” Go on. I’ll wait.

It’s a good, solid idea. Sure, it diminishes sexual pleasure, but hey, no one’s hitting the heights of arousal while they’re all self conscious about their clam either, right? It seems pretty obvious to me that bare minimum, it’s an even trade. Get it? Even? Heh. Also, while you’re down there fixing stuff, you should really bleach your asshole. Sorry, but it’s true. It’s gross. Yeah, it is. And don’t roll your eyes at me. Asshole appearance IS important. It’s everything, frankly, and yours, the way it’s a slightly different hue than the immediately surrounding assflesh, it’s…well, it’s distracting, if I’m being honest. So, be a dear and while you’re getting your vagina tailored, bleach out your asshole too. An extra couple grand, tops.
This is shit that people actually DO to themselves. I mean, what in gods name is wrong with this earth? I’ve seen some stupid fucking things in my time. I’ve seen that assbag with the puzzle pieces tattooed all over him, that cheetah lady, those cyberpunk dipshits who screw attachments into their head and walk around with a Mohawk made of nails, those future primitive dweebs with all their spacers and tribal tattoos and disgusting ideas about sex (probably) and of course, the completely moonfaced inflatatit post op chicks who all kind of look the same, vaguely hot but not really like a person (and that’s the lucky ones. Ever see that cat lady from brazil or whatever? She completely fucked her face up. Google image search ‘cat lady’ and check out what happens when you get a complete face restructuring in South America in the 70’s. it’s pretty wild. ) but the idea of altering your vaginal and anal appearance is just so fucking out there that I don’t even know what to say. I’ve addressed this before, I know. But bear with me please…How fucking crazy neurotic do you have to be to hack off part of your vagina? I mean, hey! That’s not the point, you know? It’s a VAGINA! It’s not supposed to look a certain way, it’s supposed to FEEL a certain way. It’s all just so fucking irrelevant, innit?
Okay, enough. I’ve babbled too long about this. Seriously though, unfilter your google and image search ‘dong.’ It’s funny. Lots of asian guys. Not their dicks either. Just their faces. I guess I should have expected that.
I’m so incredibly tired, and while this baby naps, I should be napping, but it’s not happening. Why? Because I’m writing to you fuckers. My lovely Colorado vacation is more than halfway through and I’m gonna be super bummed when it finally comes to an end. So, that settles it. I’m off to enjoy the day. No more of this bullshit for now. A quick assbleach and vag trim and then it’s off to see the fucking Rocky Mountains and Cripple Creek and uh…what else? Eh, maybe I’ll just call my friend Dong and get a beer. It’s a vacation after all, right?

15 comments:

Jayzilla said...

-- you should totally go to the new belgium brewing company company in fort collins, its a hour from denver

yeah, yeah -- i know they dont have beer there from your list, but it'd still be fun...

kennyg said...

dude. i fucking love you.
the first paragraph made me laugh my ass off. i can't believe you said "disgusting squid."
haha

Candice said...

There were two vulvoplastys at my hospital last week but I didn't get a chance to watch them. If one comes up again I'm totally gonna go and sneak pictures.

My ex boyfriends ex girlfriend had a vulvoplasty. I've asked. I'm not flappity.

Scott said...

i think the only time a girl really needs to worry about flappy vag is if you hear the sound of batwings flapping or a buzzing when she rides a bike wearing a skirt or if it is a really windy day. That or if you are paris hilton or britney spears

Kevin Burnett said...

the fact that every vagina is unique is what makes Guess Her Muff so amazing...if every girl got laser hair removal and had a perfectly symmetrical, tiny vagina...well, food would lose it's flavor, colors wouldn't seem so bright, etc etc.


Just look at this gem, for instance:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_C0ObwAZA4bY/SlNxNhSCdUI/AAAAAAAAAGk/RiLlRHoGZJg/s400/dumbo.jpg

kylewagoner said...

I totally know someone with T-rex arms. We call her the Jomandasaurus. I guess that's not very nice, but man, she is a bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Black pissed off bitch with a huge ass and t-rex arms. Jomanda.

love,
Kyle

Matt said...

Nice Full House refence in the title.

The idea of something sharp going near your private area is really, really fucked up.

Jayzilla, an old buddy of mine works at New Belgium. My friend just went out to visit and got the grand tour, place looks amazing.

Sickie27 said...

I think Candice meant to put a "::wink wink nudge nudge::" at the end of her comment.

I'm woman enough to admit you just boosted my confidence (and no, I do not have an ugly vagina).

Robb said...

(Tune of old blockbuster video jingle): Wow! What a diiifference/Bad sandwich chro-ni-cles!
I think a play on the blockbuster logo could make for (another) great bsc shirt design. Keep it blue and yellow, but turn that ticket stub into a sammich--a little lettuce n cheese poking out; make that indentation on the left a big bite mark. Keep that terrible font, of course. Maybe have 'Wow! What indifference!' for a hilaAarious spin. Someone adept in the graphic arts get on that, maybe? It might be an offensively bad idea. But it might be just mediocre.

Buddy said...

wow..ball gag WITH dong!!

wilddanimal said...

Seriously, who the hell doesn't have better things to worry about? How idyllic must your life be, if you can afford to spend time and money on shit like that?

Vincent said...

Try working 2 minutes from New Belgium. I've gotten in trouble twice for coming to work drunk.

I think the warped tour is in Denver this weekend... you can go get a new cell phone plan.

Jacob William said...

Everything in here made me laugh my ass off...then I cried cause I realized my vagina is disgusting.

Jay, and Matt - a friend of mine is trying to convince New Belgium that he's the right man to be there Wisconsin sales rep. He hung out with the folks that run the place while he was on a cross-continental bike ride.

Banana@1000MPH said...

For the few Socks in the NW (that might not have heard) - Red Scare Tour in Portland is moved from the Satyricon to the Sea Shanty.

Nico said...

So I heard a joke this week that made me think of this entry...

The wife goes in for the vag-tuck, wakes up the next morning in her hospital bed, with three bunches of flowers next to her.

She grabs the first one, checks the card. "Honey, thanks for doing this. Hope you recover well and love you lots, your husband."

She grabs the second bunch and checks the card: "Ms. Smith, thank you for choosing our hospital, its been a pleasure having you for surgery. Dr. Jones."

She grabs the last bunch: "Dear Ma'am, its Johnny here from ward C1. I would just like to thank you for my new ears."