Monday, August 3, 2009

supplies!

Man, I had just written this thing and I decided it would be clever to let my baby guest blog, which, you know, would essentially look like akldjjf;owejp;odjadngaerkghae;, and we’d all have a good laugh, but guess what? He deleted everything. SO, let’s start again. Pretend that you’re just coming onto the page to notice a new update NOW, okay? Okay. Here goes:
HOLY SHIT! It’s like when the Tonight Show broadcasts from an amphitheater in Indianapolis or something. Coming at you live from Cook street in Denver, it’s BSC:Rocky Mountain Profanity Fountain edition! So far, the week’s been great. I solved my label dilemma, I went to a wedding, I am currently hanging out with a pair of babies and my friend Eric just took a pretty leisurely dump. Last night I babysat four, count em, FOUR kids. Then I did some rapping in the back yard. Overall, there’s nothing really on my agenda but drinking coffee, drinking cocktails, doing some chair dips and kind of watching the mountains do, I dunno, whatever the fuck they do…Slowly erode as they provide striking physical evidence of tectonic movement, collect snow on their icy peaks, that kind of shit. You get it, right?
I’m currently in the midst of some stress. This vacation is sort of just what the doctor ordered. When I get back, I’m undertaking a humongous project, and THAT, my friends, is when this here blog is gonna start getting a little more brief and infrequent. SO, I’m gonna go ahead and do my best to get this shit out there while I can, cuz come week 2 of august, I’m fucked, timewise, kids.
Okay, so let’s see. What does Colorado have that Chicago doesn’t, besides mountains? Hippy tolerance. There are disgusting hippies just everywhere singing out of tune versions of “Friend of The Devil” with blood dried into their beards with an unfortunate dog tied to em with a rope. Poor dog. You can almost hear the dog say “yeah, I’m stuck to this smelly turd. Kind of sucks. I’d really be a lot happier just kicking it solo and eating trash, but instead I’m reduced to hanging out in this parking lot while this dildo’s dumb friend’s feed me poptarts and hemp muffins and bug the living shit out of everyone unfortunate enough to have to see us. Sorry. Jesus fucking Christ.” Colorado contains hippys, outdoorsy folks and those leathery, wiry smoker looking people. You know the ones. Super tan, muscular in an unfortunate way, never good looking. You just KNOW they smoke. They’re exactly what I imagine every single person at Headonism looking like. Tattoos on their tits and jean shorts and questionable sunglasses. They’re everywhere too. But it’s the outdoorsy people that really strike me. I guess it makes sense. The outdoors here is nice, real nice. Where I’m from, the outdoors isn’t even available 4 months out of the year, and as a result, we have lots of bars and places to get hot dogs. Here, the hotdogs aren’t that good, but this guy standing in the grocery store just climbed something and biked a ton of miles and now he’s just getting a cliff bar and he’s off to do some other active, outdoorsy bullshit. And he’s wearing nothing but lycra and it’s all sorts of fucked up bright colors and the shorts match the shirt matches the hat. And once again, nice sunglasses. We don’t have too many of those in Chicago either. We have double cheeseburgers and deep fried macaroni and cheese. Which, you know, will also get your heart rate up, so, yeah. We got that going on.
The other thing about Colorado is the hipsters here. I don’t know what it is, if it’s just isolated enough or what, but these kids out here just go for it all at once. It’s like, pink Venetian blind sunglasses, flat brimmed trucker hats, face tattoos, vampire lip piercings, hip hop hoodie that zips all the way over your face, neckerchief, beard, wacky shoes, crusty kid jeans (cut into shorts) with patches and shit everywhere, fitted leather jacket etc. It’s like the last ten years of hot topic best sellers exploded all over the bar scene here. Whatever. I’m having fun. Just pointing out some of the more fun little idiosyncrasies, a la some sort of travel show. Hey, now there’s an idea. Maybe I should have my own travel show. You listening, studio bigwigs? It could be awesome. Like Insomniac meets…uh, well, hmmm…like Insomniac meets…Okay, fine. Just like insomniac, but but BUT!!!!!! I’ll do it in the DAY instead of the night. No? Okay, day AND night. Huh? Huh? That’s what I thought. Draw up the paperwork.
Okay, I’ll try to rap atcha tomorrow.
Peace out, ladies and turds.

15 comments:

Sickie27 said...

First!

But I'm really glad you decided to write in today. And CTRL + Z saves lives.

So today I took my niece to her first day of kindergarten. The highlight of my day was when some lady thought I was a student. This should really be a kill to my confidence, therefore driving all the boys who could've liked me away. :(

Scott said...

Have you walked down the pedestrian mall downtown Denver? Besides people doing heroin and guys surrounded by lookouts selling counterfeit purses and probably drugs, it pretty much has all of those undesirable hippie, hipsters, hobos, some other H-person and I am pretty sure I have seen that guy with the dog tied to him. At the time he was asleep in a doorway and the dog was sleeping as far away as the rope would allow.

It was fun to visit, but I missed being here. Also, when i went it was like 100 degrees out and good old Illinois was like 75.

Sean said...

So I saw the Cobra Skulls and Menzingers play last night in Chicago, and the guitarist from the Cobra Skulls had one of those BSC shirts with YOUR face on it...

... he even announced how he got it from some girl in Philly and proceeded with a "this fucking guy... he has his own shirt," drunkenly and happily laughing the whole time

regardless, it was an epic show, yet they didn't play their "main jam" Back to the Youth... bummer.

kylewagoner said...

I always get my blogs deleted, but it saves itself automatically, so you just have to go to "edit posts" and it'll have what you already wrote saved as a draft there. UNLESS it saves while it's deleted in which case it overwrites that draft with a blank page. That's lame.

I should drive over to see Sheila and get one of those shirts off of her myself...Oh and Sheila! My band played Frostburg again last Thursday.

love,
Kyle

sheila said...

Sean - that girl in Philly was me!!!

bert said...

If you dickweeds would come visit the sock drawer pt deux, then maybe you could get a hold of one of those spiffy shirts by sending the poor girl some cash.

http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/

i am on the advertising committee (a job that i am starting to look really bad at since the new member count isn't growing as per my quota, i really don't need that, either. do you know what's gonna happen to me? do you? i didn't think so cos you juggalo's-in-training wont come sign up to our spiffy board). so, yeah:
http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/

at least i'm posting it here. god only knows what they're gonna do to jay... he's been really falling behind...

Jayzilla said...

thank you for the post! also, i love the supplies joke -- i randomly told it last night in the service bar..
things that don't get old -- sneaking up behind friends and yelling supplies!

Jayzilla said...

i totally thought my charming comments would entice people to check out: http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/ and join without having to actually plug --

http://thesockdrawer.lefora.com/

Robb said...

God, the leathery smoker types are a source of endless fascination for me. They're all over my neck of the wood. Like roaches, they can make due in seemingly any environment, with the same sparse wardrobe. Inexplicable connections to primo drugs, despite little to no money. Males commonly go by Slim, Gus, or Smokey, usually preceded by "Ol". Favorite haunts include bingo parlor, mall arcade, and men's dept. of JC Penny, purchasing a twin-pack of plain white tee shirts. Penchant for utilizing fast food drive-thrus on foot. Often adept bowlers. They'll just as soon stick you with a switchblade as buy you a beer; it's a guessing game. God they're awesome.

Robb said...

And the perpetual tans, oh the tans. YES. And the awesome crow's feet around the eyes. I could write a fucking essay. Superb.

Andrew said...

yeah robb that was brilliant. i particularly enjoyed the part about being adept bowlers, because those people are ALWAYS at the bowling alleys around here.

Robb said...

Yeah, it's nuts. They're really good at ski ball too.

AlexCanteen said...

UHF for the win.

Nikki said...

There are worse things than Denver... like driving 8 hours to Denver only to find out that because you purchased a plane ticket on Orbitz, US Air decided to trade your flight to United (and it just so happened that the United flight was 3 hours earlier than your original flight... and no one notifed you), therefore leaving you fucked and flightless. Yeah, I'm still a little bitter about that. Fortunately, it worked out and we stayed with a friend at his warehouse turned apartment, but it still sucked for a first time Denver experience. Really good local brew though, sunshine wheat, or something like that.

Bridgett said...

You know, Insomniac with Dave Attell isn't on anymore, since he went on to do, uh, bigger and better things? So there you go: Insomniac Part Deux, with your host, Brendan motherfuckin' Kelly. The only difference will be that the show culminates in some kind of gig, be it solo BK, or one of BK's bands, or BK up on stage with some band awesome or not.