Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i said no, no, no.

Whatever happened to Amy Winehouse? That’s the question. Last time I saw her she looked like Horseshack from Welcome Back Kotter with some kind of barrel gut, topless in St. Tropez, frolicking in the water like an inebriated squid with surprisingly perky cans. Where did she go? She was, to borrow Paris Hilton’s latest (and probably best) catchphrase “huuuuuuuuge” not long ago, but now she’s done.
Was it the drugs? The crazy? I don’t think so, man. Drugs and crazy are what made us notice her in the first place. Without the drugs and crazy, she’s just Joss Stone. Yeah, Joss Stone smokes weed, but don’t be a pussy, that’s not even a drug. That’s like saying you drank last night because you had water with dinner. Technically correct, but not in the spirit of what’s going on in the conversation you semantics nazis.
Anyway, point being, without the crazy, Joss and Amy, pretty much the same. Amy is crazy and trashy and that’s why everyone loved her. That creepy lizard skeleton husband, the ill conceived tattoos, that stuff got us foaming at the mouth. Without that stuff, she’d just be Lilly Allen, a piggy little princess who acts out because she’s always been a spoiled little fat thing…a Kelly Osbourne, if you will. (My friend Peter [yes…same guy] used to call fat little cunty brit girls DLP’s, an acronym for Daddy’s Little Piggy. I always thought that was pretty great).
So anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Without the talent, Lilly Allen would be just another Kelly Osbourne, who, with a few less deserts would just be Peaches Geldof, who, if she sounded like Dionne Warwick, looked like someone had drawn a cruel 1940’s caricature of a jew on her face and made her batshit insane, would be Amy Winehouse, who, to bring this full circle, is essentially Joss Stone but crazy and fucked up on (real) drugs. And Joss Stone, as we all know, is a talentless slute of a human being who essentially channels the worst parts of Mellissa Ethridge through the body of that girl that’s hot enough to bang at camp or on vacation, but as soon as you make the mistake and bring her around your friends, you’re so bummed out. Oh, man! She’s talking about unicorns again. And unironically! Oh Christ. Did she just get stoned and start laughing so hard and for so long that she started hyperventilating and everyone got weirded out and went on the porch to smoke and now I’m just stuck in here with her? Ah fuck! All this because she was the best looking girl at the resort, but the joke was on me because her beaver was an unkempt backwoods and she had strange nipples! Don’t leave me alone with her, dudes! PLEEEEEAAAASE! I’ll never bring a dumb outsider chick around again! I swear!!!! Ah, fuck. They’re gone. I don’t fucking believe those guys took off! (long, uneasy silence) What did you say? Okay, fine. Yeah, I’ll watch “Nights In Rodanthe” on demand, I guess.
You get the idea. That’s Joss for you. And the rest of em too, probably. Actually, I dunno. That Peaches seems like she’s a party wrapped in a couple of crazy pills from India wrapped in a saline drip, if we’re being honest. I’d hide in her closet while her dad yelled at her about something. If I wasn’t married, that is. Huh…I guess I could put her on my list of Unassailable Bangables. Nah. Waste of time. She’d pass out before the good stuff started.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Everyone has a list of I dunno, five people that, should the opportunity arise, they can bang and their spouse can’t be mad. Well, I’m here to tell you, as someone who crafted my list carefully, to include only girls I thought I may potentially meet, who I could conceivably (theoretically) convince to sleep with me, that the whole thing is complete bullshit unless you’re like our polyamorous friends in the Sock Drawer, in which case you don’t need a list, or, well, your list is actually the people you CAN’T bang, (which I think probably doesn’t work most of the time either, but you know, nice try).
Anyway, point being, when I met Avril Lavigne, I called my wife just to kind of prepare her, and the response was less than enthusiastic. My response to her response? “Hey, not my fault you picked a harder list than I did. I like to do the legwork with my mind. Not my fault that my listees come to punk shows and your listees hang out on Yachts in france watching all Angelina’s kids. Bad choices, if you ask me.”
So, yeah. Long story short, I fucked her. Angelina, that is. Avril smelled of rotten salmon. Not really what I expected, though. Angelina’s vagina- huge and tattered. And greasy and kind of sideways, actually, if we’re being honest. All pockmarked too, just like her husband. Whatever. She smelled okay at least. Like crisp linen.
Anyway, I tried to make my list all my wife’s friends and various girls I work with and stuff, but she balked at that. She said that everyone had to be famous. So, anyway, here’s my list. If you’re out there, let’s bang. I got a green light:

Kelly Osbourne
Joss Stone
Amy Winehouse
Lilly Allen
Nancy Grace

Nah. I can’t bang Amy. She’s too gross. She’s covered in sores, but what happened to her? That is, after all, the question, innit? When did her drug use stop being compulsively watchable and become career poison? I mean, she’s not any bigger of a fuck up than lots of people who I see every night in bars, starting fights, passing out, barfing, walking around with coke rimmed nostrils, getting fucked in urinals, shit like that. Her behavior is remarkable only in that she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t happen. You. Yes. You. You out there have done some stupid fucking things, and if you were in the public eye like poor Amy, you too would be branded a complete fucking wastoid. But you’re not, so you just sit there and judge. Why? Because it feels good to shit on people who are rich and successful and to claim they don’t deserve it because they have the same problems that we do. Well, guess what? They also do stuff. Stuff that people respond to. Where’s your stuff? Eh? Thought so. So anyway, this one’s for you Amy. It’s a little early, but I’m sure you’d approve, right? Cheers, you various dicks and front butts!

21 comments:

Tony Monley said...

Went for the extra cup of coffee today I see . . . I likes

Kevin Burnett said...

pretty funny stuff....you must have had a shit-free morning.

Scott said...

my friend peter...another awesome gem in a crap-load of hilarity

wilddanimal said...

Why would you want to bang Kelly Osbourne? Ew. Well, maybe if she asked nicely.

I'd totally bang Lily Allen though. She's cute.

Candice said...

I know I'm not famous but I want on your list.

FAskies said...

pretty much if I were to have a list ot would be Lights. She lives in my city, shes a nerd, and fuck she is hot. But pretty much in my ball park.

you probably don't know Lights...
http://www.last.fm/music/Lights
now you do

Andrew said...

i was just waiting for candice to say something as soon as i read the part about the list.
never lets me down.

Candice said...

Andrew I will never let you down

Capt Murdock said...

Thanks for showing me up jerk!

Nikki said...

Nancy Grace... oh man, she's a total MILF. I'd bang her and I'm a chick. I mean, who could resist that mouth? But, seriously if you're going to go with Nancy, why not throw Greta Van Susteren in the mix? She's REALLY got a mouth, and she's freaky. Apparently, she has a "girl-crush" on Sarah Palin.

Candice said...

don't worry murdock. the sock drawer still loves you.

Jillian said...

I had the "to do" list with my ex. I had skiba he had keira knightly. Then he realized how many times I've met him and he said that I couldn't have skiba on my list cause it was possible for me and not for him. I'm with ya for the aiming low.

kylewagoner said...

You ever seen that movie Slither? Don't. Bleck.

Owner Operator said...

1. laughed so hard spurted chocolate milk over my desk at work

2. Sarah Palin would be on my list. MILF! and you could treat her however you wanted and not feel bad!

word verification: mistyro
haha awesome

Robb said...

That 'Amy Winemouse' vid on youtube w/ her and Pete Doherty never gets old for me. Actually it gets real old real fast but the first time was great.

Tony Monley said...

I think Candice's breasts are entitled to their own comments

Robb said...

Btw Gina Gershon remains the top milf, despite the fact she's not a mother.

Sickie27 said...

I would say who's on my list, but I'll let Candice be the creep to do that!

Also, apparently this girl says she toured with the Lawrence Arms. Why didn't you throw her off a bridge?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIkTi4RT4EE

VoicesOffCamera said...

I agree with wilddanimal that Lily Allen is cute. Plus Joe Strummer considered her his goddaughter, so if you are able to go through with it you can say you banged Joe Strummer's goddaughter.

-Steven

Capt Murdock said...

Kyle you're nuts (what about em) if you think Slither stinks. Its the modern day Night of the Creeps.

ak said...

wow, good call with the lights girl.....

1.hilary clinton
2.oprah (you know you would; just to say you did over 15 cold beers)
3.any of the golden girls
4.your mom
5.ann coulter (she's one angry bitch, think of the possibilities)

(extra credit):any bush daughter, it's the least I can do for my country for all the shit we went through

smooches...