Thursday, August 27, 2009

u'membah me?

Yo! Nation! How’s it swingin? Sorry, I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but I’ve been busier than an Islamic fundamentalist with a ticket from boston to new york on a flying whorehouse lately… Today would be my tenth straight day of shooting if the rain wasn’t giving us all a much needed day off. The other day I robbed a convenience store using shaving cream as a disguise. I’ve been forced to smoke so many cigarettes that I’m a little concerned about the ease of returning to my non smoker status at the end of this whole thing and I’m sore in every single muscle in my body, due mostly to running from an el camino driven by a group of crazed, fencing-sword wielding film school hooligans through neck high grass. I’m doing all my own stunts in this bitch, man. Ah, art. It’s like being on PCP but with a more acceptable excuse.
Today is one of my favorieist people in the world’s birthday. My friend Toby turns the big three three today, putting him all the way up there with my wife in terms of ancient-ness. I’m gonna take him out for liver and onions and some shuffleboard right after I roust through his underwear drawer and steal all his candy and take the belt his niece gave him for Christmas. I got him some depends, a bottle of sweet vermouth and one of those comb holders that they have at the gym with all that blue shit in it for his birthday. Guys, explain it to the ladies if you’d be so kind.
Seriously though, it’s rainy and my lungs hurt and my friend’s having a birthday and I NEED to go to the gym (and not just to get one of those combs) and my baby is eating all the other babies at his daycare and it’s threatening to become a huge problem and my wife and the management over at the daycare have exchanged * words* and well, I kind of have to side with my old lady on this one. There’s some rules at the daycare. If you bite three times, you have to go home. Well, the other day my kid bit three times within ten minutes of being there. The general consensus at my place was that if he was able to bite three times in ten minutes (keep in mind, he’s not even one and a half and he doesn’t really understand or say much) that’s not really controlling or defusing the situation, that’s just waiting to send him home without doing anything about the problem…The consensus at the daycare: We got rules. Rules is rules. That’s Stalinism in my book, but you throw Stalinism at a middle management child care worker before ten AM, shit’s gonna get ugly real quick, at least in my experience. Plus, I was busy watching hot chicks in bikinis drink goldschlager with a fat guy in his underpants while he handed them hundreds at the time when all this was going down, so I was doing my part to combat socalist doctrine by at least witnessing an artful interpretation of capitalist immorality and physical decay, right? Right. So anyhoo, my wife decided to use a capitalist approach and say, ‘hey man, if you aren’t able to watch our kid, and I’m gonna have to keep leaving work to come get him and thereby lose money while you refuse to do the job we’re paying you to do, well, we’re not gonna pay.” The response was not good. There was a back and forth. I, now, am decidedly unsure of if my kid still has a spot in this daycare BUT, I’m gonna attempt to store him there for the day anyway.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Middle management childcare workers, as a rule, like all middle management peons who are stuck in the bullshit service/childcare/mailroom/security/valet/summer camp etc industry, that’s really just a summer job, or school job or job you do so you can pursue artistic or athletic or other endeavors, like all poor, sad fucks stuck in CAREERS in one of these industries, they love nothing more than to swing their dicks around and exercise the tiny little power that they have. Think about it. Remember your last crappy job from last summer or whatever? Okay, now pretend you’d worked there for ten years. Now, pretend you still work there. NOW pretend that you know, in your deepest recesses of your pathetic little soul, that you’ll be there forever. Suicide time, right? Well, maybe not, because there’s still those tiny droplets of joy that you can suck from the flower of making other, freer, less completely fucked people feel the stinging pain of your pathetic helplessness for a tiny moment, right? That’s right. Tell that waitress she MUST work Christmas. Tell that poor young couple that they MUST pick up their kid and lose/endanger their job in the process. Tell the cashier that he’d better get in there and clean the bathroom. Tell the altar boy that these balls aren’t gonna produce perfectly good but for some reason useless priest jizz on their own, there’s sucking in your future, my son…(funny story, I actually read that a diocese [maybe in new England] recently tried to use the following as an excuse when confronted with all the counts of young boy sexual abuse that they’d racked up over the years: “uh, certainly we knew it was a moral transgression, a sin in the eyes of god, but none of us knew it was against the laws of man.”
Really? That’s the party line, eh? Okay, I’m paraphrasing a bit, but let’s examine this, shall we? Firstly, yes you did. Secondly, you’re PRIESTS!!! THE LAWS OF MAN ARE NOTHING, REPEAT, NOTHING IF THEY GO AGAINST THE LAWS OF YOUR DUMB GOD, RIGHT? THAT’S WHY JESUS GOT IN ALL THE FUCKING TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE, INNIT? Fucking retards. Third, yes you did.
I think people in positions of power like that [and priests are the ULTIMATE middle managers, and their ‘flock’ the ultimate summer jobbers, especially the kids, and well, being forced to blow a priest is a TON worse than picking up your kid or having to work Christmas {although, that could be considered the same thing if the timing worked out, right? Like, a quick beej to celebrate a midnight mass well done? Heh.}] who use their pathetic little power to hurt kids, and fuck up their brains by messing with them sexually or whatever, bad news. Yeah, you heard me. I’m not down with child molesters. I’m taking a stand, man. Actually, that’s a new Anti Flag song. It’s called “Fuck off Child Molesters!” and it’s a scathing indictment of the entire child molsestation scene. I don’t believe they went there. Ah, I kid. I love those dudes, and you heard it here first: one of the absolute best live bands I’ve EVER been lucky enough to tour with. Okay, enough covering my ass. What were we talking about?)
Point being, I’m about to take my kid to daycare and I really don’t know how it’s gonna go. He’s a biter. I’m dedicated to the idea of biting him back if he bites me, but he doesn’t bite me. I guess he can sense my eye of the tiger. Heh. I really hope none of those kids are very delicious in there today. I gotta take Toby around and I can’t be fucking toting a baby around like an early 80’s Michael Keaton, can I? Not if I’m gonna be smoking PCP with Toby I can’t. And it’s not a Tobias Jeg birthday without a little bit of angel dust. That’s for sure. Okay, okay, okay. I gotta go. Thanks for your patience, sorry these posts aren’t more regular these days. We’ll return soon, but know this, I love all my little dogs of war, and all my socks and all the various drawers. God bless all the readers of the sandwich.
Uh...
Not that god has much to do with anything. Nah, fuck it. Do your worst to 'em, god. I'll take my chances with evil, reckless fun and a general sense of depravity. May that bless you all. Trust me, it's way better.
Xoxoxox

15 comments:

Jesus said...

So when are we getting filled in on this feature film anyhow? More deetz on Buttsweat?

Bah, I'll wait. I'm stoked for the next advice column, I imagine it's just going to be a fuckin' beast of an opinion.

Robb said...

Eclectic labels today. That's After Hours the film, right? Not just general late night debauchery. Anyhow treat dear ol' Tobes to a beer/eightball/tranny session on me. Not sure just how that would work but we'll figure it out.

Sean said...

"i hope none of those kids in there are delicious today..."

that made me "lol"

but seriously... have you SEEN that they have these hoodies that zip up over your face and head?

Normally I'm not too sure about them... but the other day i got my girlfriend a STORMTROOPER one!!!

that's right! you can zip it all the way up to look like a full-body stormtrooper.... it's ill.

T.NERB said...

That intro blew me away.

Drew said...

"ill": the nineties called and it wants its slang back!

FAskies said...

i saw anti-flag live a few times, one time Justin Sane and Chris #2 went on for like 15 minutes about Liberalist and Communist and anything political thing that ended with an "-ist" so I just left. I know it's Anti-Flag and they have to be political, but come on 15 minutes between two songs to talk about unrelated political things.

Mary said...

That sounds like a pretty shitty daycare.
I myself work with children and understand how biting can and is an issue, but it's completely irrational for the daycare to not take into account that your son is too young to understand exactly what he is doing and try to help find a way to defuse the problem.

Nonetheless, I hope it all works out for you Brendan.

jbody said...

Hey drew,some unimaginative sitcom writer in 2001 called and he'd like his joke template back.shit,wuz that irony?

L said...

I used to bite kids in pre-school. i also bit kids in kindergarten. it's a phase. he'll get over it. my parents just sent me to pre-school with a blanket to bite and toys to chew on. kids would try to take away my toys and or said blanket and they would get bit. i still want to bite people today....so maybe it's not a phase, you just realize no one wants to hang out with the kid that bites everyone.

Banana@1000MPH said...

http://www.fatwreck.com/record/detail/236

Also, I think I just got a double dose of BSC - this felt like you really wrote a lot.

And I thought Toby's birfday was yesterday what with his mentioning it yesterday on the Red Scare update.

christa! said...

I dunno, I bite people all the time and I've never had any complaints...it must be my delicate jawline.

Tim & Rac said...

I used to sell cars, and the daycare center would always... always... call right in the middle of a deal. Now that I have a desk job with people who have families and could care less, the place never calls. Coincidence? I think not.

HipsterBologna said...

Those priests make Ted Haggard look like a heterosexual "with issues"

Bridgett said...

They just need to teach those kids to bite back! Your kid will get over it pretty quick when his fun little game bites him in the ass, no pun intended.

dave said...

you know they have tobacco free cigarette, right? They taste like hay, but they're out there if you're so concerned