Monday, September 21, 2009

crystal shit

Well, well, well, look who’s back? Just take a few days off and leave us all hanging, eh? No, that’s fine. What do we need with regular updates anyway? After all, we’re only FUCKING DYING out here with nothing to do while you ignore your fucking update window. How does it feel? Posting again, that is? Is it like working out after slacking off for a week? When every single line is just fucking a painful reminder of your sloth and decadence? Is that how it feels right now? Good. Good. I’m glad. We’re all glad, frankly. Don’t be so lazy next time, you fucking Calligula.

Yeah, it’s been a minute. What can I tell you? I’m lazy. I’m a lazy calligulan sloth with no soul. Don’t believe me? Well, yesterday my wife and my houseguest and my kid and I were sitting down to breakfast, a lovely meal I cooked consisting of eggs made with green chiles, a slab of bacon and some mimosas and we were all enjoying our Sunday, when suddenly my wife looks up and says, “hey, what’s the date today?” I said “September 20th.” She said “oh, happy anniversary.” And you know what? She was right. Yesterday was our sixth anniversary. Neither of us remembered and neither of us did anything for each other, and besides that, no one else remembered either. Well, Matt Alison, our recording engineer, remembered but only because our wedding favors were beer cozies with our anniversary date on them and he was sitting around drinking one yesterday. That’s some shit, huh? I mean, I’ve heard of the seven year itch, but not so much the six year ‘eh, whatever’. Well, eh, whatever. It’s all come and gone now. It was our houseguest’s birthday at midnight last night so I took the liberty of getting him a prostitute, and even with a pocket full of twenties, he STILL couldn’t score. Sad state of affairs around here, man. It’s gotta be all these town hall meetings and public displays of anger. It’s taking a toll on the national consciousness, man. You know it is.

So, I’ve got this idea for a book. It’s pretty good, I think. Here’s how it goes. What if, instead of dying and being buried beneath a dumb bust of himself, Jim Morrison (who I’ll refer to from here on out as ‘the poet’) instead faked his death and developed a utopian community on a west Indian Island based on the philosophy behind his * ahem*, rad poetry? Good idea, right? Well, here’s the thing. That’s ALREADY a book. And guess who wrote it? Ready? That’s right. Doors keyboardist and gigantic sycophant douche Ray Manzarek. How about that, huh? First, this guy’s got the misfortune of being the nerdiest looking bassist of all time because, well, instead of playing a bass he plays a fucking keyboard, which is not rocking, man. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. There is NOTHING cool about playing a keyboard. And the more you groove with it and jump around and all that, the more you’re highlighting exactly how lame the keyboard is. We’ve played with some band where dude jumps up on the keyboard and then does some kind of ‘rad kick jump’ off it, and let me tell you something: shit’s gay. It’s mondo, mondo gay. “um, excuse me, sir…That’s a keyboard, not a trampoline, and certainly not a guitar, so uh, relax. You chose the fucking thing. You could have picked up the guitar or the drums or whatever, but you CHOSE the keyboard, so face facts and try not to embarrass yourself any more than you have to, how bout that?” Did he listen? No.
Anyway, back to Ray Manzarek. He was the total gimp arm of the Doors to begin with. Didn’t even have a respectable part in the band. He was essentially filling in for the bassist they never had with one hand and with his other hand turning their self indulgent garbage dirges into some sort of awful white soul/baseball game organ hybrid that should never, ever be. That’s bad enough. But why stop there? Nah, come on Ray. Take the only famous guy from your band and write a novel about him that exalts him to jesus-like status, thereby making you just as pathetic as your legions of dorky fans. I mean, for fucks sake, you knew the Poet, right Ray? You had to have been sick of his shit. The Poet was a total dipshit. I’ve heard his songs. I’ve read his ‘poems’ and I’ve seen his interviews (thank you very much Doors fan Eric Halborg for forcing me to sit through that crapfest). The dude was a complete dildo and I’m pretty sure that any sort of utopian community that he helmed would be full of fat, drunk slobs wondering why Morrison gets all the pussy and they just hang out on the sidelines waiting for him to die so they can get theirs only to eventually realize that once he DOES die, they’re nothing but lackies to a complete turd, and the only way to really get anything of value from the whole experience is to write a book about their time with him. Uh, what would happen on that island, Ray? Well, to paraphrase the great line from the gay guy in Boiler Room: “Guess what, buddy? You’re on it.”
This isn’t even why I hate the doors. Just the tip of the iceberg, folks. Let’s rap soon.
XOXO

31 comments:

KyleLM said...

Green chile's, eh? Is this authentic New Mexican green chile? If not...pfff. You haven't lived...haha

amandatague said...

brendan, i play the glockenspiel. on a scale of lame to cool, how lame does that make me?

Jayzilla said...

james dewees and myself disagree -- ill say it, im totally cool with keys in my songs

reggie makes me happy

(so does chilis/peppers in my eggs)

ryan said...

The Doors movie was fucking horrendous. If I wanted to see an Oliver Stone movie where the main character just drinks, funnels cocks and shits on himself for 3 hours I'd watch Born on the Fourth of July.

Kevin Burnett said...

I don't really have much to say today. Have a good week fellow socks.

Burnett out.

Kevin Burnett said...

***** 5 stars for the Born on the Fourth of July reference. God I hate Tom Cruise.

alison said...

i can definitely relate to your distaste for the doors. I myself am the only person I know who thinks the red hot chili peppers are ridiculously over rated. I just don't understand the fascination. However, Flea is a sick bassist.

Steely Hoover said...

What about a keytar? Is that at least semi-cool or is it even less cool? I don't know, it's so mind bottling. And I take comfort in knowing that you too can be lazy cause it is my non-medical diagnosis that you were over exerting yourself. Oh, is your child still biting? Hope not.

Mark said...

I like the Doors. John Frusciante is also an amazing guitarist and song writer.

admp said...

Kazoo-hey-lele for the win.

By the way, verification is "brabies"/ Baby rabies. I love it.

Robb said...

I shall call someone a Caligula this very week

Andrew said...

was that band the epoxies? thats all i remember from their show was the crazy dance shit the keyboardist did

Kevin Burnett said...

EPIC.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAg5KjnAhuU

Kyle said...

I play the fucking keyboard...

steveisjewish said...

happy anniversary - mine was the 20th as well - 1 year

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candice said...

excuse me?

Stizzy said...

nikki-probably no where with that attitude

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stizzy said...

Not that I'm really interested on having a drawn out conversation in the comments, but I wouldn't exactly call my response a "reaming" nor would I have taken it personally. I suppose text based sarcasm doesn't translate well. In Candice's defense though that was a pretty harsh sentence joking or not. Also, please don't put me in quotes it makes me feel so ethereal. Also no, free speech was never allowed in any "punk" scene. (i.e. if some joker came into a show and started talking about Jesus or some such nonsense do you think he'd stick around long? Willingly or otherwise?) Um...I think that's all. Did I cover everything? Oh. yeah I agree I'm a fan of the breasts. Ok that's everything

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Toto said...

i'm a drummer but i also play the keyboard, nice to know i'm not cool....

Kevin Burnett said...

Since the dawn of Punknews, how many times do you think the "What punk is all about" and/or "insulting people on the internet is cool or not cool" discussion has happened?

My guess is one million times too many after the first time. It may be the coolest sock drawer this side of Turkmenistan, but it's still just a drawer full of stained, sweaty tube socks. Jesus Christ!

Mikey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mikey said...

Mr. Kelly...can you please speak to the extreme amount of wtf that is this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG_ejypKAKQ

I...don't...understand...

Drew said...

Candice you rule!!!

...and don't let any of these other socks stink up your [exhibitionist] parade!

droopypunk said...

you know joe jack talcum's keyboard performances are hilariously awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqSOw0Idh0s&feature=related

TheViz said...

The last cool-looking keyboard player was JT Turrett from ASOB, and everybody kind of hates him now anyway.

Nikki said...

All of the offensive material has been removed. So, for the three or four of you freaking out over something on Candice's behalf, you can quit having a stroke now. And Candice, you do rule, because you failed to get insanely angry over something which was a joke and which I assume you weren't all that offended by. Well, you rule for that and having large breasts. Also, if I hated Candice, I would have reveled in her silence rather than calling upon her to post something. To the three or four people who got angry without much cause - learn to laugh a little, or just slit your wrists now.

Blahblahblah said...

you're a shit stain slave with a grind of your own

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.