Tuesday, September 8, 2009

it's my birthday, 2

Wow. I look so distinguished this morning. Better looking than I’ve ever been, and that’s saying a lot. Why? Because it’s my birthday and like all men (and in stark contrast to all women) I’m just getting better and better looking as time marches on. My wife made me an awesome breakfast and I got a new beanie from my kid to replace the one I’d lost. So far the day’s shaping up to be great. I’m 33, but I think I might just start telling people that I’m 35, because I know how to properly lie about my age. I swear to god, nobody ever thinks anything through, ever.
People are morons. That’s the lesson here. Look, grownup people stupidly and improperly lie about their age all the time. Kids do it the right way and out of necessity, so they can buy beer and try to bang highschool chicks when they’re away at camp. This is totally right on. Grownups, on the other hand, lie about their age to seem younger. Shaving years off the arbitrary counter that signifies the number of trips they’ve taken around the sun, they reason, makes them more desirable than they’d be if they just admitted that they were (gasp) 40.
Well, think about it for a second. Let’s say you’re forty. You decide you’re gonna tell people that you’re only 35, The logic is that 35 is younger, more dynamic, probably in better shape, right? Well, see how stupid this is when it all comes down? You’re forty. You look forty, you act forty and you’re in the shape of a forty year old. If you’re thirty five, you’re the ugliest most bombed out thirty five year old in the entire Hooters, man. You should be telling motherfuckers you’re fifty. Suddenly you’re in GREAT shape, you look AMAZING for your age, you’ve got the magnetic dynamism of a forty year old. Fuck, you just went from pathetic to fascinating. But nobody does this. Why? Because they’re idiots who are concerned with all the wrong things, that’s why.
There is no situation where lying about your age to make you seem five years older will ever make you less attractive. It’s true. Ah! Not so fast. In the professional sphere, it’s always more impressive to be a young go-getter, so yeah, being a twenty five year old VP of marketing or bassist of Gaslight Anthem beats the shit out of being the same person if you’re thirty, just because it exemplifies that you’ve accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. But other than that? I mean, in terms of fuckability? Tell em you’re older. If you’re a slightly unattractive 24 year old, you’re probably a pretty decent 30 year old. And guess what? It opens up the range of people who will attempt to bone you. The 24 year olds who don’t want to date dumb twentysomethings, the thirty year olds who don’t want to dip down too far, the younger people who like age and experience, and ANYONE who’s impressed with the obvious great genes you have to be so well preserved are all now on the menu. Yeah, it’s deceitful, but it still seems better than lying the other way, right? Right. And it’s not as bad of a lie as “I don’t have a girlfriend” or “of course I’m wearing a condom” or “that’s just acne” SO there you go. That’s my lesson on my birthday. Lie like a thinking man, not a retard.
Good. My wife’s birthday, by the way, was a success. I got her an all night babysitter and a night in a luxury hotel, along with a gigantic history of typefaces that comes with an enormous font collection for her computer (she loves that shit). My kid got her a coffee mug. I think she was stoked. As for me, I’m just looking forward to a relaxing day with my kid and my friends, sifting through all the nudes you all send me for my birthday (click the link on this page to email me your nudes!) a trip to the gym, some afternoon cocktails, a nice dinner, some casual boning and then a nice, uninterrupted sleep. I’m a man of few needs, after all.
Man my kid’s not letting his morning nap take hold, which is a real bummer. That’s gonna fuck up my birthday. What a dick. Oh well, I’m gonna let him wail for a while and then we’ll go from there. Thanks for all the wishes, fishes and cans. Let’s rap soon.
XOXO

41 comments:

Blake said...

Felching isn't dangerous, is it?

Candice said...

happy birthday!! xoxo

Sean said...

happy birthday!! xoxo

Luke said...

Happy birthday, Brendan

Linnae said...

Happy Birthday! It's my birthday too! :)

Jayzilla said...

Happy Birthday! i can only hope you listen to the beatles birthday song today!

dustyfloors said...

Happy bday, BK.

Scott said...
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Scott said...

happy b-day!!!!

Did you notice the blogger icon has a cake on it? Must be for you and Linnae

Jesus said...

I'm not sure how all that aging jazz helps a young un' like me out, but I am forever wiser for the future.

Happy Birthday, dude! Why didn't you ask for the nudies on the comment page?

Daniel said...

Happy birthday Brendan, I love you! Even though you are fuckin' disgusting!

Stizzy said...

Way to not die for another year

Eddie said...

happy birthday!!

Mary said...

Happy Birthday, Brendan! Hope it's a good one.

That 24 year old/30 year old scenario actually works. I say that because that happened to me except I let him guess my age. So, I didn't initiate the lie; I just agreed so I could get laid.

Joel said...

happy birthday! it was my 21st yesterday. go September birthdays! >:O

FAskies said...

happy birthday

Banana@1000MPH said...

There's a (birthday) party - in your honor - in my pants and you're invited.

PIXI said...

Happy Birthday, Brendan! I'll be turning 28 next Monday. Maybe I should start telling people I'm 30 or I could just be 33 like you. I'm just excited that I get to have a True Blood themed party, cuz the season finale is the same day as my party. yay, vampires!

Buddy said...

seems like yesterday that i was wishing you a happy 29th over the computer..how things have changed. happy bday!

dozerrage said...

Happy Birthday! I love you. <3<3<3

kylewagoner said...

I like your point there. My mom is almost 50 and that makes her seem way hotter to my friends after I tell them that. I love you and happy birthday!

love,
Kyle

Andrew said...

happy birthday brendan. you're a goddamn genius, you are

Toto said...

happy birthday BK!!!
i'm 23 and i always say i'm 20, i get laid as often as a handicapped torso-less korean tranny.if that is even possible.

xoxo (what the fuck does that "xoxo" shit mean? here in argentina we say "felicitaciones!")

dan said...

Happy Birthday! Keep on, keepin' on.

Robb said...

Toto, 'xoxo' is an abbreviated way of saying, "I'm a bit of an asshole". And I don't know about there, but here handicapped Korean trannies sans torso are quite the delicacy.

Happy 33, it's the new 27.

Owner Operator said...

i don't give a fuck about your birthday. that post was way short. seriously though, all night babysitter with a night in a luxury hotel is a great gift... cos you get it as well! :D mad respect.

have a cracking awesome time with the arvo cocktails...


cheers n beers

OO

Candice said...

robb- i take offense to you saying that "xoxo" is a way of saying "i'm a bit of an asshole".

i am a whole lot of asshole.

Robb said...

And I've seen that whole lot of asshole. You always forget our 'eight crazy nights' behind the chuck-e-cheese dumpster. (Swigs wild irish rose wistfully)

Candice said...

i'd never forget that robb. that's why i was so insulted when i thought you did.

Nick said...

Oh Rob...if you only knew what you were missing over at the other drawer. Cheers Bk!

Candice said...

hey now nick, let's not go advertising

Robb said...

I've only cruised by there like once, but I did read a guest blog about shower beers which I found utterly arresting and in total alignment with my thoughts on the matter.

Toto said...
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Toto said...

robb : you should get your own blog man,i would definetively read it if i'm drunk or coked up enough, or at least BK could use you as a creative when he is out of ideas, i'm sure you share the same love for "shitting-drinking-farting-tranny jokes-art-music-celebrity hate-fuck jim carrey-gore-underground vomiting artists-coffee and crack whores on lsd, not crack" thing, blogging is not easy these days...

ps: Candice:i cant barely read what you write, i get lost in the cleavaage.

many xoxo's to all of you,

toto

Toto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

Aww, thanks, Toot-Tootz. Can I call you 'Toot-Tootz' from here on? It's just an affectionate little pet name. I have toyed with a blog, but so far have found it far easier to make pseudo-funny comments on a more established individual's blog, like a sort of bearded parasite. If you talk with BK, you'll learn I'm actually billed official "fucking useless BSC creative consultant".

Sylvester Trombone said...

Good call on the hotel, BK. Now, by luxury hotel, do you mean downtown like the Dana or the Trump or the Peninsula or are you talking like the Sybaris in the burbs where I always read the billboards wrong and start thinking sybian? Or are we talking the Diplomat Motel on Sheffield? Because that would have been a reeeal nice surprise, Clark, just a reeeal nice surprise.

Oh yeah, and happy birthday.

Toto said...

how didn't i know that? man! i'm BK's staff manager!... this won't go unpunished.

i prefer "TOTO the ultimate argentinean super handsome sex machine" but "Toot Tootz" is quite allright too.
just keep me away from dog food, i love that shit.

Tony said...

Happy Birthday, BK, you handsome, mysterious older gent.

James said...

definitely wild crazy fun.

thanks and happy birthday sorry i didnt know.

James said...

p/s hope you like the present.

dirty look.