Wow. I look so distinguished this morning. Better looking than I’ve ever been, and that’s saying a lot. Why? Because it’s my birthday and like all men (and in stark contrast to all women) I’m just getting better and better looking as time marches on. My wife made me an awesome breakfast and I got a new beanie from my kid to replace the one I’d lost. So far the day’s shaping up to be great. I’m 33, but I think I might just start telling people that I’m 35, because I know how to properly lie about my age. I swear to god, nobody ever thinks anything through, ever.
People are morons. That’s the lesson here. Look, grownup people stupidly and improperly lie about their age all the time. Kids do it the right way and out of necessity, so they can buy beer and try to bang highschool chicks when they’re away at camp. This is totally right on. Grownups, on the other hand, lie about their age to seem younger. Shaving years off the arbitrary counter that signifies the number of trips they’ve taken around the sun, they reason, makes them more desirable than they’d be if they just admitted that they were (gasp) 40.
Well, think about it for a second. Let’s say you’re forty. You decide you’re gonna tell people that you’re only 35, The logic is that 35 is younger, more dynamic, probably in better shape, right? Well, see how stupid this is when it all comes down? You’re forty. You look forty, you act forty and you’re in the shape of a forty year old. If you’re thirty five, you’re the ugliest most bombed out thirty five year old in the entire Hooters, man. You should be telling motherfuckers you’re fifty. Suddenly you’re in GREAT shape, you look AMAZING for your age, you’ve got the magnetic dynamism of a forty year old. Fuck, you just went from pathetic to fascinating. But nobody does this. Why? Because they’re idiots who are concerned with all the wrong things, that’s why.
There is no situation where lying about your age to make you seem five years older will ever make you less attractive. It’s true. Ah! Not so fast. In the professional sphere, it’s always more impressive to be a young go-getter, so yeah, being a twenty five year old VP of marketing or bassist of Gaslight Anthem beats the shit out of being the same person if you’re thirty, just because it exemplifies that you’ve accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. But other than that? I mean, in terms of fuckability? Tell em you’re older. If you’re a slightly unattractive 24 year old, you’re probably a pretty decent 30 year old. And guess what? It opens up the range of people who will attempt to bone you. The 24 year olds who don’t want to date dumb twentysomethings, the thirty year olds who don’t want to dip down too far, the younger people who like age and experience, and ANYONE who’s impressed with the obvious great genes you have to be so well preserved are all now on the menu. Yeah, it’s deceitful, but it still seems better than lying the other way, right? Right. And it’s not as bad of a lie as “I don’t have a girlfriend” or “of course I’m wearing a condom” or “that’s just acne” SO there you go. That’s my lesson on my birthday. Lie like a thinking man, not a retard.
Good. My wife’s birthday, by the way, was a success. I got her an all night babysitter and a night in a luxury hotel, along with a gigantic history of typefaces that comes with an enormous font collection for her computer (she loves that shit). My kid got her a coffee mug. I think she was stoked. As for me, I’m just looking forward to a relaxing day with my kid and my friends, sifting through all the nudes you all send me for my birthday (click the link on this page to email me your nudes!) a trip to the gym, some afternoon cocktails, a nice dinner, some casual boning and then a nice, uninterrupted sleep. I’m a man of few needs, after all.
Man my kid’s not letting his morning nap take hold, which is a real bummer. That’s gonna fuck up my birthday. What a dick. Oh well, I’m gonna let him wail for a while and then we’ll go from there. Thanks for all the wishes, fishes and cans. Let’s rap soon.