Wednesday, September 9, 2009

i'm preoccupied with 1985

Well, here it is, the longest possible time I’ll go without a birthday until I die. No more special attention. Sigh. Thanks for the nudes, and please know that I’m still accepting them, so if you were just being lazy, or your computer crashed, come on. Send em out. Don’t be stingy.
Last night at my birthday party celebration (where I consumed a slab of the best ribs in the world) we were all trying to figure out the best possible porn title derived from “Apocalypse Now.” It started slow, with “a pussy lips now” “a cock on lips now” and “a cock and tits now” but! Then dan came up with “bukakke lips now” and let’s just talk about how funny that is for a second, shall we? It’s really quite funny. If you don’t know why, google it. It was my idea that the DVD cover should be the puckered mouths of all the hundreds of dudes mid load-blow, just to keep things interesting. I mean, you expect the title to refer to the target right? Wrong. It’s the dudes. Heh.
Sex humor is easy to do. Like toilet humor. And because it’s easy, people tend to dismiss it. But that’s just wrong. That’s stupid. Because since it’s easy to say something funny if it involves a dick or taking a dump or someone’s distended asshole, that means it’s the duty of toilet humorists to go the extra mile and be extremely, and unbelievably funny. Toilet humor is the vehicle through which comedy breaks the sound barrier, if only because it’s far and away the most powerful delivery system for true hilarity. Even the dumbest throwaway gags are sometimes much funnier than they should be. For example:
When I was twenty three my band was on tour with the Alkaline trio. They had a song called ‘My friend Peter’ that was at the time a new song which they played every night. In our van, my band and I all came up with alternate lyrics to the chorus, a favorite pastime of ours and what we netted out on was, I still think, pretty golden.
The original:
I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

Now here’s our version:
I’m tired of playing with myself
I’m tired, all these butts that I no longer felch.
I’m tired of lying about not eating your poo
Maybe my friend’s peter can make some homemade glue.

See man, that’s funny stuff. Yeah, when it’s written down it loses a bit of it’s true splendor, but sing it and realize, motherfuckers! That’s the good shit. Anyone who tells you that toilet level humor is somehow inferior to everything else, well, they’re just wrong for one thing, and for another thing, they’re unfunny themselves. Because let’s face facts: all the funniest people in the world (with a few notable exceptions [Bill Waterson, Jerry Seinfeld, Charles Schultz]) work blue. That’s the funny. Fraiser and Niles, while funny in the context of their show, would not be funny to hang around with. It would be duuuull. That’s actually a main premise of that show, right? Right.

By the way, I was singing this version of My Friend Peter to matt on that same tour, ten years ago, and I was also singing the opening line of their first album “goddammit,” but I was singing it as “Wide eyed! Thumbs in the butts of guys!” and he took me aside and asked why I was constantly making fun of him. Did I think that his band was stupid? Nah. No way. Firstly, I’m not making fun. I’m constructing parody. Secondly, love the band, love those dudes. I’ll defend everything about them to the death, (even that gay nazi thing that they seem to love doing).
Look, back to the topic at hand, that shit’s a labor of love, man. I love your music and it gets stuck in my head and the little potty mouthed gnomes up there tinker with it until it comes out hilarious. That’s all. You should be flattered. He was, and continues to be, and by the way, you’d never know to look at em, but those guys are three of the absolutely funniest, most clever guys I’ve ever known. No shit. Bukakke lips now. HA!

In closing, I’d never take the time to reconstruct a Bowling for Soup song. You know? That’s like pretending that you actually need to figure something out to make fun of them about. How can you ignore the retarded lyrics or that lard ass? And I’m talking about that dumb budget chris roe singer. That other guy is so fat that calling him a lard ass is like calling Hitler a neat freak. Yeah, it might be true, but that’s barely the tip of the iceberg, man. He’s so massive that his guitar looks like a chicken leg or a lollipop when it’s strapped on, and not just because he may end up eating it. I don’t need to repackage their songs, I need to ignore their songs. I don’t even believe I’m talking about them here. Listen. It’s just to prove a point. I’m getting out of here. Something tells me this entry is nothing but trouble. Bye.


Jesus said...

Candice will show her tits to the first person to come up with a clever, buttfucker version of a Lawrence Arms or Falcon song.


TheViz said...

My friend just finished his first porno. I'm going to try to convince him to make Bukkake Lips Now his next project.

Candice's Breasts said...

note the word 'clever'. We don't just strump for nothing.

dustyfloors said...

I'll never, EVER sing "My Friend Peter" the original when. Never again.

Daniel said...

That is actually pretty funny. I can imagine why Matt would think you were making fun of him, you kinda were. But I too enjoy making fun of people I love.

Scott said...

i will now be singing those lyrics to those songs at RIOT FEST

Matt said...

Ol' Tijuana Way

Well I fucked a donkey in TJ, about one year ago.
He was looking at me cock-eyed, and his red rocket started to show.
Tequila and peyote can be a powerful enemy.
I just need that fucking donkey inside of me.

Banana@1000MPH said...

So, it is safe to say that every Alkaline Trio concert ever to happen from now on will consist of one extremely drunk person shouting "BUKKAKE LIPS NOW!" at Dan the entire night?

Also, that shit isn't cool to tell people to google, Brendan. I didn't google it, but I can't imagine what I would have seen if I did.

Nico said...

(To the chorus of Your Gravest Words)

You are, covered in white
The only way that you look right.
I stare back, in admiration,
I dick slap you in pure delight.

Your overbite, did wonders tonight.

jbody said...

Aren't you opposed to having inside poopie jokes with your wife?They have been veritable relationshit savers for me in the past.I dunno,it just seems inconsistent with your proclivity towards the scatboombalogical and your seemingly tight grasp on reality.this post is obviously directed at the sublimely deranged alpha kappa keepa trappa Jesus.

Kyle said...

At the end of stupid kid the original lyrics read.
I take back every word that I said.
My friends and I came up with
I fucked your mom your dad and best friend.

what are the best ribs in the world brendan? did you go to patio?

Crooks Blogojevich said...

Given BK's locale, and local knowledge, I'd wager to guess Twin Anchors for ribs?

dustyfloors said...

I just remembered that Matt was at Gingerman when I was there on Monday night. I wish SOOO badly this was posted prior to that night. I was probably drunk enough to walk up to him & sing the BK version of "Peter."

Seagull Steve said...

Bowling For Soup? Thats a weird target. Chris Roe isnt though.

Andrew said...

wow matt and nico...nice

Zach said...

Can you start answering advice again. I have so many questions that need to be answered and simplified into boner, ass and other colloquially inappropriate terms.

Bridgett said...

I extremely enjoy "Wide eyed, thumbs in the butts of guys." That song is on the loop in my car, and I'll probably have a mini-spaz out when it comes on next, much to the amusement of the car next to me.

Question: football starts Sunday. Is football a yay or nay to Mr. Kelly?

Sean said...

can you even defend the "Help Me" music video by the Trio?

... cuz I certainly can't!

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

Help Me vid's saving grace is Mr. Show alumnus John Ennis plays the train conductor guy. But it's not like he gets to be funny or anything, so yeah. And Dan and Derek wear those hats pretty well. But Skiba... (tugboat fog horn sound effect)

Robb said...

Kidding; just had to uphold my endearing running joke of inexplicably positioning Skiba as Trio's 'weak link' for no apparent reason.

Nico said...

So there's been a new blog. Who wins the contest?

kylewagoner said...

I like a couple of Bowling For Soup songs. When your little brother listens to Radio Disney 24/7, hearing a Bowling For Soup song here and there is the longest sigh of relief you can find, sadly. And for the record, I love me that Trio. How about American Steel covering "Dead and Broken" for that BYO comp? I'm fucking stoked to hear the whole thing.


Anonymous said...

The worst part is that the singer's sporting a shirt of The Leftovers, a once fantastic Portland punk band (in high school).

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.