Sometimes when I don’t know what to write in this space I go to Perez Hilton’s website and see what’s going on in the world of celebrity dildodom to get myself angry enough to fire off a tirade about some dumb facet of the popular consciousness. I haven’t ranted in this space for a while, Dogs of War. I was thinking that today would be a nice day to change that. Hell, I didn’t even write yesterday and nothing says “welcome back from three dismal days without your favorite words of wisdom on the whole internet” like a pointed rant about (for example) how completely retarded our twenty four hour news media has become. BUT, I went to Perez Hilton first, and just like on Yahoo, just like on cnn.com, just like everywhere people can only talk about two things: Kanye West and Vampires, and not even the death of Crazy Swayze can refocus everyone. Poor Swayze. He’s like Farah Fawcett, but his Michael Jackson is Kanye and True Blood.
Now, I’m not really terribly interested in blogging about Kanye West. It’s too popular, you know? I’m not a follower, man. I’m a goddamned iconoclast. Yeah, that’s right. If you want blogs about Kanye, go to Pink’s blog, or Kelly Clarkson, or John Mayer, or follow that dildo from Maroon 5 on twitter. I don’t care. I don’t care about taylor swift, I don’t care about Kanye West, I don’t care about the MTV VMA’s. I think I’ve mentioned before that I think awards shows are some of the most absolutely self important, grandiose bullshit parades of all time, and I don’t care about a bunch of millionaires sitting around patting each other on the back, getting all excited about someone stealing someone’s moment, or feeling slighted for something. It’s just a dumb masturbatory exercise in clapping and waiting for your moment to shine in a room full of egomaniacal dickholes. Who cares? Well, the whole world does, apparently. Look, I’m not talking about this anyway…Uh oh. Fuck. New subject. Fast.
I don’t like vampires. They listen to bad music, hang out in dumb clubs and they’re always eating blood, which, let’s be frank, is gross. I don’t know how that got recapitulated as sexy. At best, blood is fine and ignorable, like if you’ve got one chance to get laid, you’ve got a towel and she’s having her period. At worst, it’s fucking disgusting. There’s no part of me that ever sees a puncture wound and gets a boner. I don’t like any of that shit. I don’t like suspensions, I don’t like odd piercings that go through the arms or the webs of the fingers or whatever, and I don’t like some creepy undead person with too much makeup, deliciously disheveled hair and a british accent unskinning me with his or her eyeballs. It’s gross. And AND AND!!!! That shit is just retarded. I hate the whole sensual-virginal-blood-as-a-substitute-for-boning attitude of these pussified, preening vampires. You know what I want? I mean, if we’re gonna let a dumb movie turn everyone into something? If we’re gonna have a craze, let’s take a page from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and have a wizard craze. That’s what I want. Kids in flowing robes walking around with staves and seeing stones and fake beards. That’s a fucking look, man. And wizards party. They get high, they bone like crazy, they fly on brooms and they can get invisible and get down there and watch girls pee at the gym. That's so much cooler than vampires. What's cool about vampires? they never die? That’s not cool at all. The coolest thing in the world is recklessness, and there’s no such thing as recklessness if you can’t die. Therefore, immortality=not cool. What else? They sleep in coffins? Yawn. You can’t do any boning in a coffin, and boning is the coolest part about sleeping (though how those two things came to be associated is sort of beyond me, to paraphrase Seinfeld). Therefore, Sleeping in coffins=not cool. What else? They sit around in the dark and they only go out at night? Uh, whatever, man. That sounds like what cokeheads do. That sounds like what stoners do. The only thing cool about sleeping all day and going out all night is that it signifies that you’ve somehow eschewed the normal idea of the way shit works. You’re a millionaire, and so you can afford to sleep all day and just party at night. You’re Lil Wayne and you just want to roll around when the clubs are open and you don’t have to sign autographs for thirteen year old white boys. You’re completely nihilistic and you’re out there just killing yourself every night with booze and hookers. That’s all fine. BUT, when you’re a vampire, you HAVE to stay in during the day. That means that the exact opposite is true. They’re being pussies by staying inside in the day and going out at night. They’re not eschewing anything. They're being rational adults who adhere to strict bedtimes and then go out to work after a long sleep. Boring. You know what would be awesome? If a vampire painted himself up like a clown or something so the sun wouldn’t touch his skin and then went out in the day. THAT would be bad ass. He’d come home and his wife would be like “where were you? It’s almost six in the evening! What’s that on your face?” and he’d be all, “yo, baby, I’m a daywalker now, I’ve been leading kids around on ponyrides in the children’s zoo all afternoon.” Huh? Huh? Yeah. Told you so, man. That shit would be boss.
Okay, whatever. Vampires are dumb and I don’t care what anyone else tells you. They’re dumb. They’re sensualist, revolting, self important dipshit undead queerbos, and that’s final. In the words of pink, you can quote me on that.
Oh, and RIP Swayze! You’ll be remembered as much cooler than you ever were, so uh…you can at least take that to heart, right? Right.