Tuesday, September 15, 2009

perhaps you should grow a beard!

Sometimes when I don’t know what to write in this space I go to Perez Hilton’s website and see what’s going on in the world of celebrity dildodom to get myself angry enough to fire off a tirade about some dumb facet of the popular consciousness. I haven’t ranted in this space for a while, Dogs of War. I was thinking that today would be a nice day to change that. Hell, I didn’t even write yesterday and nothing says “welcome back from three dismal days without your favorite words of wisdom on the whole internet” like a pointed rant about (for example) how completely retarded our twenty four hour news media has become. BUT, I went to Perez Hilton first, and just like on Yahoo, just like on cnn.com, just like everywhere people can only talk about two things: Kanye West and Vampires, and not even the death of Crazy Swayze can refocus everyone. Poor Swayze. He’s like Farah Fawcett, but his Michael Jackson is Kanye and True Blood.
Now, I’m not really terribly interested in blogging about Kanye West. It’s too popular, you know? I’m not a follower, man. I’m a goddamned iconoclast. Yeah, that’s right. If you want blogs about Kanye, go to Pink’s blog, or Kelly Clarkson, or John Mayer, or follow that dildo from Maroon 5 on twitter. I don’t care. I don’t care about taylor swift, I don’t care about Kanye West, I don’t care about the MTV VMA’s. I think I’ve mentioned before that I think awards shows are some of the most absolutely self important, grandiose bullshit parades of all time, and I don’t care about a bunch of millionaires sitting around patting each other on the back, getting all excited about someone stealing someone’s moment, or feeling slighted for something. It’s just a dumb masturbatory exercise in clapping and waiting for your moment to shine in a room full of egomaniacal dickholes. Who cares? Well, the whole world does, apparently. Look, I’m not talking about this anyway…Uh oh. Fuck. New subject. Fast.
I don’t like vampires. They listen to bad music, hang out in dumb clubs and they’re always eating blood, which, let’s be frank, is gross. I don’t know how that got recapitulated as sexy. At best, blood is fine and ignorable, like if you’ve got one chance to get laid, you’ve got a towel and she’s having her period. At worst, it’s fucking disgusting. There’s no part of me that ever sees a puncture wound and gets a boner. I don’t like any of that shit. I don’t like suspensions, I don’t like odd piercings that go through the arms or the webs of the fingers or whatever, and I don’t like some creepy undead person with too much makeup, deliciously disheveled hair and a british accent unskinning me with his or her eyeballs. It’s gross. And AND AND!!!! That shit is just retarded. I hate the whole sensual-virginal-blood-as-a-substitute-for-boning attitude of these pussified, preening vampires. You know what I want? I mean, if we’re gonna let a dumb movie turn everyone into something? If we’re gonna have a craze, let’s take a page from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and have a wizard craze. That’s what I want. Kids in flowing robes walking around with staves and seeing stones and fake beards. That’s a fucking look, man. And wizards party. They get high, they bone like crazy, they fly on brooms and they can get invisible and get down there and watch girls pee at the gym. That's so much cooler than vampires. What's cool about vampires? they never die? That’s not cool at all. The coolest thing in the world is recklessness, and there’s no such thing as recklessness if you can’t die. Therefore, immortality=not cool. What else? They sleep in coffins? Yawn. You can’t do any boning in a coffin, and boning is the coolest part about sleeping (though how those two things came to be associated is sort of beyond me, to paraphrase Seinfeld). Therefore, Sleeping in coffins=not cool. What else? They sit around in the dark and they only go out at night? Uh, whatever, man. That sounds like what cokeheads do. That sounds like what stoners do. The only thing cool about sleeping all day and going out all night is that it signifies that you’ve somehow eschewed the normal idea of the way shit works. You’re a millionaire, and so you can afford to sleep all day and just party at night. You’re Lil Wayne and you just want to roll around when the clubs are open and you don’t have to sign autographs for thirteen year old white boys. You’re completely nihilistic and you’re out there just killing yourself every night with booze and hookers. That’s all fine. BUT, when you’re a vampire, you HAVE to stay in during the day. That means that the exact opposite is true. They’re being pussies by staying inside in the day and going out at night. They’re not eschewing anything. They're being rational adults who adhere to strict bedtimes and then go out to work after a long sleep. Boring. You know what would be awesome? If a vampire painted himself up like a clown or something so the sun wouldn’t touch his skin and then went out in the day. THAT would be bad ass. He’d come home and his wife would be like “where were you? It’s almost six in the evening! What’s that on your face?” and he’d be all, “yo, baby, I’m a daywalker now, I’ve been leading kids around on ponyrides in the children’s zoo all afternoon.” Huh? Huh? Yeah. Told you so, man. That shit would be boss.
Okay, whatever. Vampires are dumb and I don’t care what anyone else tells you. They’re dumb. They’re sensualist, revolting, self important dipshit undead queerbos, and that’s final. In the words of pink, you can quote me on that.
Dumb vampires.
Oh, and RIP Swayze! You’ll be remembered as much cooler than you ever were, so uh…you can at least take that to heart, right? Right.

21 comments:

Candice's Breasts said...

Why go for the neck when you can sample us? Even Cedric Diggory will blush when he gets a look at these milk tacos.

admp said...

Don't all the dudes in Alkaline Trio want to be vampires? They sure dress like it.

And for serious word verification win, I got flamers. Top that, Sock Drawer!

www.thesockdrawer.lefora.com

Kevin Burnett said...

I bet Whoopi Goldberg had a spooky night last night.

Amirite?

EZB said...

yea, everyone should grow a beard... 'cept you dice ; )

Jayzilla said...

"like if you’ve got one chance to get laid, you’ve got a towel and she’s having her period"

unless its her bed, then its optional

www.thesockdrawer.lefora.com

FAskies said...

http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs257.snc1/10424_543903301491_23001333_32146834_5597162_n.jpg

this photo sums up the last 2 days of celebrity nonsense (except swayze's death ins.t really nonsense, but people obsessing over it is)

Candice said...

milk tacos? i think i need to take offense to that but i don't really know what it even means.

and not everyone can sample so stop advertising breasts.

and ezb- don't worry about the beard. the only hair i allow is on my head.

Banana@1000MPH said...

http://kanyegate.tumblr.com

So of those are pretty lame, but some are pretty funny.

Jesus said...

The only hair, Candice? Have you been to Ishefilthy lately? The whole "I have a gaping vag and a matching afro bush, so jump in!" look is back in y'know.

On another note, it's a crying shame Swayze couldn't crank out another Road House or Red Dawn. How epic would that be?

Mikey said...

Well I don't care what you say, Buffy was the best TV show ever. Period. Anyone who didn't like that show

a) Didn't give it enough chance (cause granted it does start out slow)

or

b) Didn't give it a chance because of the name.

Candice said...

i feel like i shouldn't disagree with anything jesus says but i'm trying to get on guesshermuff and not isshefilthy so i don't have to worry about growing a fro and stretching my vag out.

Nina said...

Faskies - http://imgur.com/h9Guq.png

Robb said...

*All of your True Blood-watching fans purse their lips in collective disappointment. Yeah, vampire lore is about as cool as Stella D'Oro breakfast treats (thanks, Patton Oswalt)! I mean, how many truly good vampire flicks are there? Like two? (Near Dark and Werner Herzog's version of Nosferatu) And whenever TB's overwhelming popularity tempts me to take the plunge, I just think of all the people with tribal or dolphin ankle tats that seem to dig it, and my conviction is renewed.

Robb said...

Also Kanye's latest antics are about as worthy of reference as stella d'oro breakfast treats

kylewagoner said...

Oh yeah, Matt, Dan, and Derek probably love Vampires. As do the Nekromantics, Creep Show, and all of those other bands who play koffins instead of bass guitars. It's cool when they do it, I guess. I hate Twilight, though. Their vampires don't even die in the sun. They fucking glitter. I think my girlfriend is cheating on me and I just crashed my mom's car this morning.

love,
Kyle

Owner Operator said...

kylewagoner that last sentance was crazy! ha.

also...

"That’s all fine. BUT, when you’re a vampire, you HAVE to stay in during the day. That means that the exact opposite is true. They’re being pussies by staying inside in the day and going out at night. They’re not eschewing anything. They're being rational adults who adhere to strict bedtimes and then go out to work after a long sleep. Boring. You know what would be awesome? If a vampire painted himself up like a clown or something so the sun wouldn’t touch his skin and then went out in the day. THAT would be bad ass. He’d come home and his wife would be like “where were you? It’s almost six in the evening! What’s that on your face?” and he’d be all, “yo, baby, I’m a daywalker now, I’ve been leading kids around on ponyrides in the children’s zoo all afternoon.” Huh? Huh? Yeah. Told you so, man. That shit would be boss."

this made my month, maybe even year... best story ever. make it into a movie!!!!!!

word verification... turth
is that like truth? or what?


cheers n beers

come join us... mwoohohohohohohohohahahahhahahhahahaaaa
www.thesockdrawer.lefora.com

Toto said...

speaking of mtv's awards, where are terrorist when you need them?
blow that fucking place with every fucking egomaniacal millionaire in it.i hate you all.

pd-robb: Herzog kills post-punk singers.

Jesus said...

They fucking glitter. I think my girlfriend is cheating on me and I just crashed my mom's car this morning. FML.

Dude, submit that, word for word.

Of course you shouldn't disagree with Jesus. On that note, send the big guy the photos you're working with. I'll let you know if it's quality enough.

Robb said...

Toto, you win the EXCELLENT FUCKING REFERENCE award. Stroszek is a hoot.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Robb, your 3:58 comment is ironic because Patton wrote a vampire story that I have been too lazy to read:

http://popcornfiction.com/

Robb said...

Damn! Wonder if it's as good as 'Death Bed: The Bed That Eats'?