Friday, September 4, 2009

This ring is my burden to bear

Well, I’m fucked. It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and it snuck up on me like a guy in a trenchcoat on a drunken cocktail waitress in her apartment lobby at 3am, if you get my drift. Not only do I not know what she wants or needs, but I’m out of time. I work today. I’ve already been shopping and shopping and shopping. Some of the most unbelievable stores too. After this week, I’m pretty sure that I’m the only man in the history of penises that’s spent forty five minutes alone in Anthropologie. I didn’t even get anything there! That’s the real sack punch. I’ve been to so many stores that sell decorative pillows and cute soaps and hand towels and various other shit that men would never notice if it all suddenly stopped existing, but I haven’t found shit. It’s vexing to put it mildly. I should have just said, “hey, for your birthday I’ll go with you to bed bath and beyond and target and CB2 and Antrhopologie and all those spots you love and I’ll pretend not to be bored off my dick, and I’ll even pretend to have an opinion about the various bedskirts.” That would have been a good move. But no. Now I’ve been all those places and I got nothing. I’m thinking about giving her another coupon book redeemable for performing blowjobs on me any time, no questions asked, but, well, she’s already got a lot of those. Sigh.
We got a new cable box when our old one crapped out. The new one is from the future. It looks awesome. Yesterday, my wife came home and looked at the new box and went “wow! Look at that thing!” and I said “happy birthday!” which didn’t really work…since she’s the one who scheduled the technician and requested the new box, but I thought it was a pretty good try.
Man, this is hard! My baby still has to shop for her too, and he picks out absolute crap. I’m sick of standing around in the back of the candle store while he hunts for the perfect combination of lavender and sage, you know? It seems so detail oriented for not only a baby, but also for something that’s designed to melt. She always loves his gifts though, mostly just cuz he’s cute. It’s not fair. I have a mustache. I’ve had it for a month and I have to have it for another month due to the movie that I’m shooting. I cannot, with a mustache, compete with the cuteness of my baby who, let’s face reality, is just a younger more dynamic version of me anyway.
And speaking of my faded youth, (ha! Good pun) my birthday is on Tuesday. You all know what I like, so send your nudes to my inbox please. Ask anyone who’s sent me nudes already, I don’t share them with any third parties, so a donation to the great Bad Sandwich Chronicles Nudes Bank (or BSCNB) is as sound an investment as a war bond. Think about it. We also accept video.
And, while we’re on the subject of great institutions created by and/or for the greater BSC viewing community, how are all my little Dogs of War and my sock drawer anyhoo? I feel like we never just sit down and have a glass of wine or a coffee and just, ya know, talk anymore. It’s always rush rush, in out, up down, suck suck spit, pay leave, right? Right. We need to slow down and take some time just for us, don’t we? Yeah. And what better time than my birthday week. So send in those nudes and/or cash or creative gifts. It’s the least you could do on your poor, lonely old mother’s birthday. Nah, you know what? I’m sure you’re busy. Just think of me and call if you get…nah, forget it. I know you’re always out running around with those friends of yours. Who’s got time for an old fossil like me? Forget I said anything.

24 comments:

planespotting said...

Nice nerd reference in the subject, nerd.

RyanTheGreat! said...

Get her celebrity endorsed products. Women love those. Or perhaps a Paula Dean Cook Book. Or some douches. ehhh

Jayzilla said...

BDAY GIFT SUGGESTION: What could be better then a 3-Way? Nothing says -- i love you more, you mean more, blah blah blah....



i think its a great idea. thats what i would would want for my bday

Daniel said...

That's crazy, Mr. and Mrs. Kelly's birthdays are only like 3 days apart.

bananas said...

you know, I never comment here, but my word verification phrase was just "Phaliz" and that was too good not to share.

So happy early birthday, you Phaliz fiend.

Jeff said...

http://bspurses.com/our-collection/gift-card

jsin1981 said...

Hey there Bren! You hit the nail right on the head. You SHOULD HAVE taken her to the stores she likes and buy her lots of stuff and pretend not to be bored as hell.
That's what I do for my wife. Lord knows us men don't know what to get for women as presents. And I think you would be better off getting her a coupon book redeemable for(whats the equivalent to a BJ for a chick)(?)
I dunno going down on her.

JoBros (very famous.) said...

I, too, love Anthropologie. Get her a gift card to Crate and Barrel, Container Store, Williams-Sonoma, or something like that. And accompany it with a card saying Happy Birthday, you know, something you can't think up yourself, but luckily people write these things in cards already. Heh.

Don't ever give candles as a gift, it's like your implying your house smells. Or that you don't have electricity. Same thing.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Possible gifts: 1) NUDES! just ask for nudes for HER birthday too.
2)David Cross' book we were talking about yesterday
3)anything here: http://www.lussorian.com/luxury/category/unusual-luxury/

kylewagoner said...

Am I the only one who thinks Elijah Wood has a horrible case of Eminem face?

Mary said...

"Ask anyone who’s sent me nudes already, I don’t share them with any third parties, so a donation to the great Bad Sandwich Chronicles Nudes Bank (or BSCNB) is as sound an investment as a war bond. Think about it. We also accept video."

Firstly, who is we?!

Secondly, I'm a little old fashioned so I think you should just take your wife out on a date for her birthday. Dinner and a movie, maybe?

Blake said...

When I eat nachos, its usually just the chips and the cheese, so it doesn't effect me too much. But then again, I have diarrhea every single day, so it wouldn't effect me much anyway.

Robb said...

You old fuck (Points and laughs like Nelson Muntz)

And Mary, Bren-Bren's just doing that silly thing where one refers to oneself as a collective entity; in this case BSCNB. So by "we", he means only himself. And Chris; Neil; Matt Allison; Sean Nader(?), Toby and everyone involved with Red Scare; a few guys from Fat but definitely not all of them, Dan but not Skiba; an enigmatic old man who feeds pigeons in the greater Chicago area; the midget guitar virtuoso from Bayside, whom BK is secretly tight with. No one else sees the nudes.

Robb said...

Oh and Nachos? Try the fine establishment "Hip-Hop Fish N' Chicken" in Tallahassee, FL. Nahcos shits got nothin.

Nikki said...

Just a suggestion from a chick, but... you could order something online (like the purse idea from Jeff which actually seemed pretty good - chicks love purses especially fashionable ones, and the site even had a baby bag on it... but if you bought her a baby-bag she'd probably feel like an old lady. It's different if she does it herself. lol)

Anyway, the best save for this situation is reservations at a nice place for dinner, [and/or flowers to her work - chicks also love this] as well as a really sweet card (meaning write a bunch of shit about feelings & love, which will also get you laid), and then tell her that her awesome present got delayed, but it is on the way. This will not only buy you some time to order/buy said awesome present, but it will instill in her the suspense of something really cool/sweet. Chicks love this feeling, unless of course the present turns out to be a total letdown. But most chicks are usually just glad that you took the time to think of something unlame.

The baby can get her a copy of Buttsweat & Tears... (literally) ;) He's cute; she'll love it.

Robb said...

These tips sound straight from the "annoying Sandra Bullock character handbook", Nikki. NAY--just as when I called BK "old fuck", I am kidding. I agree, splurge on the luxury dinner--the kind wherein you receive the little post-meal chocolate thing with a thin coating of actual gold that you INGEST! "Heeey--you guuuys...this isn't worth FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!..."

Jesus said...

I'm reqlly stoked to see if you actually pulled this off, dude. I'm also curious for her reaction for what you get, you should film that.

What a total invasion of personal space. Lovin' it.

J said...

Wow, I just had a moment of panic before I realized my girlf's birthday isn't until Thanksgiving. Sweet. I have about 3 months before I have to actually panic.

My vote is pawn the spawn at your folks' place and commence nailing until the neighbors call the fuzz. Good lastminuter.

Nikki said...

Robb,

I have to disagree with you that Sandra Bullock plays annoying characters. You've obviously never seen Ms. Congeniality!

Actually, I, too am kidding. I think I'd rather fuck my mother than EVER watch any part of that movie again.

Also, on the topic of really-over-priced-yet-somehow-still-make-chicks-swoon restaurants, I've found that the fastest way to annoy someone in that type of establishment is to ask for ketchup. Bizarre, but true. I once asked for ketchup at a really nice restaurant, and the condescending look I received pretty much said it all.

Word verification: peellow [ha!]

TheViz said...

Make her a nice dinner, with a snazzy dessert or something. Food is the best gift there is.

I should probably go eat.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Now, rather than having to explain juggalos in the future, just send them here:

http://www.dobi.nu/yourscenesucks/juggalo/index.htm

Robb said...

Huh? Ms. Congeniality was Sandra's prize peacock pearl amidst a metaphorical sea of discarded unwashed anal beads. As Bullock takes us to the very core of a pure soul tortured by the tribulations of conscious (albeit noble) duality and deceit, we can only watch, transfixed; as we thoughtfully order a meat lover's pizza and gently implore The McKenzies next door to "shut that fucking thing up".

Candice said...

ya know brendan, oprah is doing a live show on the streets of chicago on your birthday. i think you should show up and mug her or something equally fun on your big day.

droopypunk said...

well it's 10am here in another space and time so: happy birthday kennel master!