Friday, February 25, 2011

ah...let's just relax, people

Since I’ve started this little conduit of ideas, I’ve been told in no uncertain terms several times to ‘shut up and just play music’ by people who disagree with my opinions. This is a funny sentiment because I’ve also been told throughout the course of my life to quit playing music entirely by people who think that my music sucks (people actually usually say ‘don’t quit your day job’ which, ironically, was always music). Now, presumably, if I quit playing music the only other marketable skill I have is writing. You see where the quandary here is, don’t you? I mean, critics or ‘haters’ or simply strangers who seem to know what’s best for me (or know what’s best for the world at large [much better without my music/writing]) have hurled my soul into a ping-pong match of competing low-paying, highly aggravating professions, and I’m kind of stuck in it, since I may not be a great musician and I may not be a great writer, but you should see me try to do pretty much anything else. I’m really, really terrible at that.

Well, that’s not entirely true. You know those Chinese balls that you rotate in your palm (heyo!)? I’m excellent at manipulating those (again, heyo!). I can do it both directions with both hands and never clink the balls together. I’d dare say I’ve never met anyone who can do the balls as well as me (though I’m sure those folks are out there, probably in China). What else am I great at? I’ve got a really good sense of how to season eggs. Sometimes I make ‘em a little too salty, but usually, no matter what style I’m going for, I pretty much nail it. I’m not much of a cook otherwise, but I can fuck up some eggs, boy. And that’s about it.

I feel pretty good about this list of talents. I mean, I’ve got one thing that I can do to express myself concisely (writing) one artistic outlet (music) one way to provide myself with tasty food (egg seasoning) and a way to just relax (balls). I also bone like a hitatchi magic wand attached to a perfect dong attached to a gyroscope, but that’s really neither here nor there.

The point is, I’m cool with being okay at a few things and great at one completely useless thing. Hell, most of you aren’t good at anything. Eh, it’s true. That whole notion that everyone’s good at something, it’s a fallacy. And before you throw up your hands and call me a pessimist or an asshole or a cocksucker or whatever (and tell me to shut up and stick to music) think about your lame cousin or your girlfriend’s ex boyfriend or that chick you used to finger behind the mall dumpsters…You know plenty of people who aren’t good at anything. I mean, I know a ton of people who just suck at the whole deal of being alive. It’s not uncommon. In fact, it’s the MOST common, and interestingly, the people most likely to believe this whole notion that ‘everyone is good at something’ are the exact people who are left out of the equation: namely, those who have no particular talent at all.

But I’m kind of getting off the subject. The point here is that in all too many instances, masses point to creative type folks and decide that they can have no opinion pretty much because they’re already acting/singing/drawing Garfield. I mean, how many times did I hear someone say that Kal Penn (our beloved Kumar) should stick to acting when he was analyzing the situation in the middle east. Never mind that he’s highly educated on the subject (to the point where he even got a cabinet position [if only because our president is a Kenyan cigarette smoking socialist]) and the people telling him to ‘stick to being a stoner in movies’ almost certainly know less than he does about the situation at hand. Why is his opinion automatically tossed off as shitty, superfluous and a pain in the dick to hear?

I think the answer lies in the fact that he’s lucky enough to make movies for a living. He doesn’t need to concern himself with wahabi sects in Saudi Arabia, man. He’s living the goddamned dream, and I’ll be dipped in shit if I’m gonna listen to someone that I PAY TO ENTERTAIN ME say anything other than what I want to hear them say. I think that’s the general rationale. Yeah?

Now, I’m no Kal Penn. I don’t know shit about anything, and I’m not formulating any policy, AND I’m not rich or living anything even close to ‘the dream’. I’m just a dipshit sitting here wasting the time that I could be spending making music, which I should really stay home and not play, if you follow the logic, but see, that doesn’t really work for me.

In fact, when people say that kind of shit to me, or use patently lazy rationalizations for why my opinions are wrong (I can’t argue about my music…it’s not that good and I’ve got the sales sheets to prove it) it really doesn’t make me want to quit or back down. In fact, kind of the opposite. Case in point: hmmmm….well, there have been a lot of situations where I’ve been told to stuff my opinion up my ass and just sing and dance like I’m supposed to: Against Me!, Bruce Springsteen, Punk Voter, microbrews, uh, what else…there’s something else recently that I said that got some people’s panties all bunchy…hmmmm.

Oh, right. Motorcycles. Listen, if you can’t even follow the fact that (firstly) I’m NOT just talking about weekend warrior harley dads, you need to take a comprehension class. I’m talking about all you dorks, including those that ride BMW’s, old Hondas, Ducatis, Yamahas, crotchrockets, the whole deal. I actually spent some time going into the various brands of dipshit-on-motorcycles that I was decrying, so don’t act like I’m being reductive and missing out on the big picture (it’s also worth mentioning, speaking of the big picture, that no one specifically told me to shut up and stick to music at the expense of my motorcycle hating yesterday…just so we’re being fair and balanced, and all that good stuff).

As I said, I’ve got people I count among my very best friends in the world who ride bikes, and I know what I’m talking about, and my opinion stands. I’d in fact, since you brought it up, like to point out that riding a motorcycle is like smoking cigarettes, in that it’s something that’s done EXCLUSIVELY because it’s “cool and dangerous.” It’s an affectation. That’s it. (Now, right here is a good place to go off on a tangent and say smoking sucks and people who do it are or were insecure/desperate for acceptance [and then subsequently strangled by the vice of addiction] but some smokers are still cool anyway, yo, but I’m not gonna do that, because I’d like to think that it goes without saying). AND before you tell me that riding a motorcycle ISN’T an affectation, I’d remind you that you knew it was dangerous and that’s what attracted you to it in the first place. Sure, in Europe and other places with narrow roads, it’s a practical vehicle, but here, nah brah…it’s not. I mean, gas mileage? Don’t you bullshit me about gas mileage at the expense of passengers, things to combat inclement weather, the noise and the fact that those motherfuckers break down like crazy. “cool?” eh…maybe (no). “Practical?” Nooooo.

Besides, why don’t you take a hint from your insurgent lifestyle and go burn some rubber and ignore one little dirty diapered shithead on the internet who doesn’t like your dumb hobby…Actually, you know what? That’s totally fucked. Insurgent hobbies are BY NATURE disliked by most people…that’s A HUGE PART OF THEIR APPEAL. If you don’t like me or anyone else disliking your hobby/lifestyle, get one that’s not offensive and carefully designed and maintained to remain ‘outside the box’ (a massively lame term I would never use to describe something cool, by the way). Your choice, bro. I mean, what’s next? You only like skateboarding in helmets and pads at the skatepark? You only listen to MxPx? Come on. Being hated is the best part of doing something that’s out there.

Now, make no mistake, I’m on the side of enjoyment and I’m unequivocally against hating on someone for doing what they love. BUT, what some people fail to understand is that this here blog (I mean, it’s a blog…) is a fucking joke. It’s named Bad Sandwich for fucks sake. If you’re gonna get butthurt every time someone pisses on anything you like in a forum designed for entertainment or everytime a blowhard asshole on the internet hints at your dick size, well, I frankly don’t know how you get around this crazy world (and specifically the internet) at all.

Now, to get specific: as for your completely asinine counterargument that using this reductive logic, I’m no different than Benji Madden, you’re wrong. Know why? Benji Madden is successful and I’m not. That’s the only difference between us though. So in that sense, you’re right. We both play in bands, we both write the best songs that we can come up with. The only difference is that a large chunk of people like his songs while mine appeal almost exclusively to a pretty small subsect of a larger subculture. If you think for even one second that I feel that I’m above Benji because he lifts choruses from Jay Z and wears goofy clothes, I’ll thank you to remember that I lift choruses all the time and used to bleach my hair and wear medallions. AND, the only people on earth, generally that I truly feel like I’m better than are sad little motorcycle enthusiasts who can neither laugh at themselves nor divorce themselves from their dumb hobbies.

Now please, bear in mind that I’m constantly, CONSTANTLY mocked for what I do, be it being a bad blogger, lame singer, horrible musician, purveyor of dumb cultural stereotypes, someone who ‘complains about being a dad too much (so spoken by someone I’d really like to yell at, but it wouldn’t be funny or entertaining, so I’m gonna just leave it at that), or general loser/drunk/clown/asshole/wannabe….and these are all comments on my personality/abilities and I’m not crying about generalizations…these are PERSONAL stabs taken at me by strangers…and yes, I shouldn’t’ dare try to entertain people if I don’t want criticism…I’m comfortable with that, but YOU came here and posted in the sock drawer, a part of this blog that is exceedingly well traveled and oft referenced by me…I didn’t come to you.

Soooo sack up, and don’t fucking bring your sad-dog face around here complaining that my dumb, unfunny jokes have hurt your feelings due to being grossly tied to a lame stereotype (thereby missing at least 2 points), and suggest that I’m a close minded asshole. It bears repeating that 3 people that I would consider BEST FRIENDS, people I would donate organs to (and probably will have to due to their dumb fascination with motorcycles) are bike owners and enthusiasts and so, you know…jokes, bro. Jokes.
This, however is not a joke: You’ve got the balls to ride a motorcycle, how bout you grow the balls to read about one. You can cry and argue this shit like it’s a court case or an official referendum on you and your Yamaha café racer, but it’s just a goddamned blog written by an asshole.

And seriously, I’m just being a wiseass. Don’t be so sad. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. That said, thanks for the offer, but I'd rather ride an ostrich than a motorcycle. Oh, and to the other guy who says I complain too much and longs for a return to the way this blog used to be, seriously, you can go sit on a dick. Eh? That a little more what you were looking for? Good.

Have a good weekend.

51 comments:

Neilchair said...

Bravo.

Heather said...

yes.

goddamn.

Matt Ramone said...

Stop blogging and go back to putting zygotes in your wife.

dustyfloors said...

Don't you dare make fun of Ostrich riding. Don't you even think about it.

Also, BK speaking of music I love that my April will begin at the Beat Kitchen and end at the Congress. Hopefully you'll let me buy ya a beer, somewhere along the way, eh?

Donnie said...

This blog is slowly going the way of the buffalo....

(see what I did there)

Scott said...

all i want to know is when is the 10yr dvd going to be available?

Jamie said...

make music, write in a blog, juggle balls, life is good yall!

Jesus said...

Sassy.

josh said...

that was a good read.

Nicholas said...

i totally agree. if they dont want someones opinion they shouldnt go around looking for it just saying. maybe this pissing them off is just another way they get their dicks hard.

Drunken Acorn said...

"Sit on a dick" well said BK.

eric said...

Yeah, who's butthurt now?

Seems to me someone with such a thick skin (or so he tells everyone else to have) should be able to withstand a simple comment on his whining about parenthood.

I can only think of one thing worse than new parents raving about how amazing THEIR kid is to non-parents. Parents complaining about how hard their life is because of kids.

Also, I think you're a good musician, good writer and a normally entertaining blogger. If you enjoy those things, who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks. It's tough, but I guarantee anyone making fun of you for any of that has a pretty shit life themselves and only dog you because it makes them feel better about said shitty life.

FranklinStein said...

Telling someone to go sit on a dick will from now on be a part of my everyday annoyed/frustrated/angry lexicon.

Your Kal Penn take reminds me of what Chuck Klosterman has to say about sports pundits, namely that they grow to hate their line of work because no one will want to hear what they have to say about anything other than sports. He even says, coincidentally, that while the sports journalist may have insightful thoughts regarding the middle east, no one will give a shit...the obvious exception is Keith Olbermann.

FranklinStein said...

Oh, and to lighten the mood a little bit, I think we all need to think about what David Cross has to say about parenthood:

"All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced."

sheila said...
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bert said...

great post beex!

@eric - ssshhhhh. just shut the fuck up. can i get an "amen" socks?

Candice said...

hi bert!

Hamilton Martin said...

Oh snap

Sarah_D_37 said...

Do what makes you happy....

Your music, and your blog are great. I am a huge fan of the parenting antidotes as well."I PEEEEEEEEEEEED!" is my favorite so far.

you had an amazing set at the Mercury lounge by the way. I just thought you should know that.

Justin Guz said...

so pumped for the show with the Dead Milkmen!!!

Heather said...

id give my left boob to see that show.

no i wouldnt.

but i wanna go.

Victoria said...

I was on the L, I believe Monday reading some of your posts... and I'm pretty sure the woman sitting next to me, along with the 10 surrounding thought I was insane. I couldnt help but laugh. So I'd let out a laugh, continue on, then go into the silent, is she laughing or seizuring shake, Puts a good spin on my day so fuck em all.

mooreclick said...

If I can't mock dudes on the internet, then how am I supposed to feel like a big man? Jesus.

Drunken Acorn said...

Hey BK have you seen the lineup for The Fest? The only thing that would make it better is if The Lawrence Arms was there.

Sean said...

So my friends and i always grew up riding our bikes arojnd the suburbs in a pack, more or less. Those were some of the best times ever...... i imagine riding a motorcycle (NOT a stupid crotchrocket or harley... but something comfortable and relatively practical, for a motorcycle, if that exists...) would be alot if fun to just cruise around on a nice day, listening to some good music, admiring nature (youd have to find some nice places to go tho... id imagine it might be hard in the midwest tho heh).... i dunno. Im sure it would still be lame, but at the end of the day im sure i would love doing it as a hobby.

If that makes me "lame" then so be it. Its just someones opinion, just like my idea of it being fun is my own. If you like it, whys it matter if someone else doesnt? If anything, i would feel bad that they cant seem to get quite the same enjoymebt out of it that it would bring me.

This goes for anything.

Sean said...

don't mind the typos, i typed that on the can

Mike Collins said...

I'm telling Matt Skiba you made fun of motorcycles on his birthday.

Actually I'm not, I haven't been able to find out where he lives and stalk him yet.

Sean said...

in weird coincidence, i overheard this one bro talking very loudly to his friends about his motorcycle.... everything seemed like normal bro talk.... but then it happened. He claimed he spends all his money of nitrous for his bike, and last week got up to... get this... 318 mph. His friends were impressed. I just started laughing. Then he SWEARS he lost control of it and jumped off, going that speed. His friends started asking him what he jumped into, a few of them started to realize that this guy was full of shit, but he then quickly changed the topic to how expensive his matching biking outfit cost, as if that's supposed to make people think he's any less of an idiot.


.... some people, ya know?

Sean said...

Brendan,

Just wanted to say thanks for making Unicornography. I think it's such a perfect album I love all the weird like experimentation and stuff with different styles and sounds. The Unicorn Odyssey, dude. That will always be a classic song to me. Good job with that album, nailed it.

-Sean (in case the name above this didn't give it away...)

Sean said...

Brendan,

holy shit, how many times did you layer your vocals on this, on average?

There's some pretty fucking complex stuff you're doing there... It sounds incredible.

-Sean

Sean said...
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Sean said...

I was doing some editing tonight and decided to take a break and listen to the album with some nice headphones for once..... Angry Cry. When the "she's one of the guys" line hits it's like a punch in the face. The guitars sound so awesome there with the vocals.


.... and I'm sure you already know how cool the "motherfuckin hero" part is. You prolly knew it right after you came up with that idea. How does your mind work? I want it.

Sean said...

guitars in lazy-boy.

Kevin Burnett said...

Sean, -don't get buttsore- be a little more concise man. Multiple comments in a row is kind of a drag to read.

Sean said...

hm, i guess i understand you "kinda a drag to read" comment (although.... uh oh.... that whole "ya don't haveta read em" thing immediately comes to mind, but we won't go there... oh. too late, whoops.), but i guess i just fail to see how my comments were, ahem, "butthurt," a phrase I think is pretty stupid to begin with. If anything, my comments weren't expressing ANY sort of "butthurtery," if you will.

I know the multiple comments may be a "drag" to read, but before commenting about them, maybe you can pay a little more attention to what's being said, as well as the assumed emotions that would go with them.

Sean said...

coooooooontext cluuuuuuuuuuessssss

Sean said...

don't mind the typos, i typed that in a rush.

fuck, i'm late again.

Sean said...

fuck it, let's just add one more comment for good measure!

Sean said...

"fuck it, we'll do it live!"

James said...

Fuck, Sean, I want to punch you in the dick.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...
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It's A-Me, Martucci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's A-Me, Martucci said...
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It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Mmm, I'm torn. I mean while it would be dishonest of me to say I didn't find Sean's 11-somethin remarks in a row mildly annoying, at the same time Kevin clearly lives for opportunities like this to momentarily shift the focus from what a weird dickhole he is, so, ya know. ..christ I'm havin some real keyboard issues folks!

Sean said...
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Sean said...

my apologies to kevin, totally misread that comment. Anyways, thanks for the tip... i'll try to be more concise... i was just out of it last night and was kinda posting stream of conscious, style

anywho... martucci, you crack me up (MOST of the time...)

Sean said...

{more most than not.}

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I like to think you just wrote all of that while shitfaced, and that you happen to be the world's most careful and articulate drunken writer

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

well by jove you even tossed an O'Reilly reference in there. Overlooked that one

Sean said...

haha, we'll just go with that explanation...

simon said...

man fuck all that noise, who tells you that you suck? fuck those people, i love lawrence arms and your solo shit and reading your blog makes my life at work and in general so much better!! I could gay out for pages and i probably will soon aaaand i know you dont tour much anymore but come to south africa, it wont happen but im just saying, do it!!