Peeeeete! Noooooooooo!

Pete Wentz is getting divorced, eh? Well, fuck. I guess the world really is the cruel unmanageable bitch goddess that the poets all talk about. I mean, if you think about it, it’s all gotta be so fucking horrifying for him. He got that wife of his spruced up so she was no longer a gargoyle faced troll, quit his band, had a kid and was living the dream, (though you can just tell that his wife is the exact kind of person that completely stops all the sucking and dirty texts once the baby gets there [also she seems like a complaining pain in the ass, AND she’s got that dad…ugh]) so there’s Pete, out in LA, growing out his jewfro rocking a BJ free existence getting constant calls from his father in law and his wife who are eternally yelling at him and (probably) insulting his masculinity…and he’s dealing with it, because he’s living the dream. He’s part of one of those couples that make news just by being around each other….

No, actually, this whole thing sounds like it sucks. There’s no way to spitshine being married to Ashlee Simpson. She’s a dumb toad and there’s very little escape from that. So there’s Pete, hounded by paparazzi, hounded by Joe Simpson, hounded by Ashlee, constantly driving meals over to Jessica’s house (again, probably) and all the while taking care of some kid that’s gotta be A) weird looking and B) duuuuuumb. What? No, okay, hear me out here:

Firstly, Ashlee’s ugly. Well, sure, she looks okay, but keep in mind that your idea of her being good looking is that of a 22 year old girl who’s already had plastic surgery. MOST girls are at least in decent shape at 22, and once you rearrange the face, you’re doing great. You’ve got a hot girl, unless you want to breed with them, because as scientists in the 1700’s discovered, no matter how many generations of rats you mutilate by cutting off their tails, the newborns maintain the genetic code of having the tail…you can’t alter the genes, so that means that baby is likely gonna wind up with that hook nose that Ashlee has, and that propensity for fatness that her sister has, and that general sheen of retardation that they both share. It’s gonna be rough, but hey! There’s Pete too, right? He’s part of the genetic material that goes into baby whatever-dumb-name-he-is. Right?

Well, that’s true. However, I don’t think Pete’s femme good looks or his immense talent are gonna tip these scales in the face of such overwhelming dumbness/grotesquete. I mean, let’s be honest…Pete’s a handsome dude. He’s not exactly the most uh…gifted musician in the world. If he was, that fat turd in the expensive hats wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar (and puh-lease spare me all the ‘pat stump is skinny now!’ shit…he’s always gonna be that little if-the-pilsbury-doughboy-loved-prince looking dude that I fell in love with) I’m a bass player, much in the same way that Pete’s a bass player. I stand there, I flail around, I occasionally play the bass, and I talk between songs. I’m not the greatest musician in the world, but I’m Getty Lee compared to Pete Wentz.

No, Pete is (was) in that band because he’s A) good looking (something that his kid will not be, for the reasons stated above) and B) clever (again, above) with his sparkling wordplay and his irreverent disdain for concise song titles and all that.

Honestly, Pete’s a uh…(god I hate this word) visionary if he’s anything. He figured out how to rope a trio of complete dweebs together and have them make music around him while he just kind of stands there. He’s also figured out how to parlay that into being one of the most famous people in the world. No small feat when you consider that he’s the most useless of those four guys, in terms of actual output, and that those guys are dorks, like first-name-basis-with-the-guy-at-the-comicbook-store-dorks. (at this point someone will undoubtedly point out that Pete contributes a TON of output because he writes the words to the songs, to which I will respond ‘uh, so?’ Thanks to Mr. Stump’s lack of enunciation, every line of every fall out boy song is completely incomprehensible, which means that even if Pete’s words are amazing [they probably are] they’re irrelevant. It’s like suggesting that I’m increasing the value of my house by putting on little plays for my dogs in my bedroom…regardless of quality, it’s not at all what the buyer is looking for.)

SO yeah, Pete’s a smart dude that somehow shepherded a flock of nerds to the top of the charts and became famous for fucking a baby into a chick that was ugly then forced herself into hotness and fame even though she’s one of the most uniquely untalented and irritating mongoloids to ever wipe an ass. He talks to Jay Z on the phone and he texts his dick around…It bears mentioning that he’s gotta be rich as shit too…He’s from Winnetka, so I guess technically he’s always been rich as shit….eh. Probably has a gaggle of chicks lined up to blow him and text him tit pictures now too…I dunno. I’m going to the fucking museum.

See you in hell.