highly stupid pseudo science content ahead (with a little buck angel, just to keep it classy)

So, the world as we know it, the age of mammals, it’s gotta be coming to an end soon, right? I mean I’m not a doomsayer or anything, I don’t think we’re all gonna die in a fireball, but in the next say, 1000 years, something’s gonna happen, something’s gotta give, don’tcha think? I mean, I’ve been watching the discovery channel (well, not recently, but I HAVE watched the discovery channel) and they have a ton of shows devoted to super volcanoes, massive typhoons, meteors hitting the earth, nuclear devastation, life after man, magnetic pole shifting and switching and so on. Add to that the fact that we’re running out of things like water and oil and the weather is getting more and more erratic and well, like I said, I don’t think WE specifically are fucked, but our kids’ kids may want to get their living in early. I mean, there’s no way this bullshit’s gonna stand for another millennium, right?

Of course not.

They say that the mollusk is the likely candidate to take over the role of dominant class of animals after we’re dead. As you probably know, octopi already display remarkable dexterity (which is crucial in evolutionary high-function brain development, apparently) and are pretty adept at problem solving, even figuring out how to unscrew the lid of a jar to get to something inside. AND they pick winning soccer teams. Can’t forget that.

The point is, once the dust settles (millions of years of evolution after the land and/or air can no longer sustain mammals) and the squids come out of the sea and start swinging from trees, there’s an evolutionary blueprint that seems to indicate that they could be the next species to develop shit like umbrellas and shoelaces and hair gel (well, those are probably three pretty bad examples, but you don’t know how a million years will change a mollusk, bro. They could all have feet and hair and prance around in pompadours on their way to the titty bar just like you and me [though in fairness, it seems highly doubtful that they’d develop tits]). However, this seems to ignore that there are probably a zillion other ways for environment to usher in an evolutionary focus on the higher brain functions, right? Ways we haven’t thought of…ways that aren’t just the way that we (ya know, by way of the monkeys) got here. It’s a crazy mixed up world man. Different strokes get different animal classes into that coveted top spot. And we’re probably the worst at being on top of any animal ever, so we should probably ignore our path to dominance, as it was likely kind of a flukey glitch.

That whole virus theory that was explored in the Matrix (Hugo Weaving suggests that humanity behaves not like mammals, who enjoy a symbiotic relationship with their environments, but rather like a virus, which consumes, depletes, destroys and moves on) is actually a little more interesting and thought provoking than most people would like to admit to something from a Keanu Reeves movie being. Obviously, it’s dramatic, but we do exist in a profoundly weird ecological zone where we’re not really doing anything but depleting and destroying everything else. It’s not like when the bears kill the deer and the raccoons (for example) as part of a larger food chain/ecological exchange/population balancing situation…I mean, obviously. I’m not gonna get into all that. I’m also not saying we’re a virus. I‘m more just kind of riffing on how doomed we are (and did you know that the one Warshawski brother that’s now a woman used to date [and fuck!] Buck Angel??!! How rad is that?) and thinking, as a person of my unique social grouping is wont to do in the mornings, about dinosaurs.

Any alien that would ever take the time to examine our planet would undoubtedly categorize it as a planet of giant, scaly, feathery beasts. Our planet’s history is so overwhelmingly dominated by giant lizards and birds and bird/lizards that to suggest that this is a planet of humans is kind of like suggesting that your grandma’s old house is a house that’s traditionally inhabited by bats just because a few lived in there for the last two weeks before the shit was bulldozed. Them dinosaurs, boy, they were around for a long time. I mean, 160 million years (if the pop-up literature strewn around my living room is to be believed). We’re just dust in the wind, the buzzing of flies to Vigo and so forth. And yet here, at the pinnacle of our technological advancement we’re so into getting the rubes riled up and watching celebrity cokeheads show their pussies (which, in fairness, is awesome) that we’re just gleefully sliding into the sea like some kind of mixed metaphor Nero/Caligula/California situation.

I’m not complaining. I’ve been reading about dinosaurs all morning. They seem like they were even bigger idiots than us, so uh…there’s that.

Although they do have that time traveling train, which is pretty advanced.

Um…yeah.