Thursday, February 3, 2011

the gossip game

The big news, of course they’re rioting in Egypt and Anderson cooper got his ass whupped a little bit. It seems like it’s very exciting and scary and it’s gonna get uglier before it gets better, but man…big deal. I urge everyone to keep up on these events as they unfold because mark my words, they’re gonna be the basis of a whole lot of things that go on worldwide this year, for better or worse.

In other news, I’m bartending this Saturday at the L and L on Belmont and Clark from ten to three. It’s gonna be a raucous good time and I expect to see you all there. I’m gonna be bullshitting and slingin suds in a one time only appearance, so get down there and ask me awkward questions about songs/blogs/old bands I used to be in and watch me roll my eyes and pretend to wash glasses. This is the bar where the Lawrence Arms was born, folks and no understanding of our childish, remedial songs can be complete without hanging out there while I hand you beers. Don’t get caught sleepin, yo!

Finally, I’ve got a new demo recorded and it’s really exciting to me. I’ve now got 2 dope tunes done and 2 more still in the grist mill being mixed (as well as another 7 in my head) and I’m feeling pretty good about shit. Things are happening, folks. Slowly, to be sure, but they’re happening.

Finally finally, it’s a good thing I have this demo because it’s so cold and snowy here (in Chicago) that there’s no going outside, there’s no moving the cars. There’s nothing to do but rot inside and there’s NO BETTER way to pass the time when you’re avalanched in than to snuggle up to the rumor mill and warm your hands. Below are five stories about famous punk rockers snatched from my crack team of investigative journalists and printed here for your pleasure. All these stories are 100% true, except for one, which is fabricated. See if you can spot the phony story.
Have fun folks!

Punk rumors with Beex!

Item! Tom Gabel seen with Les Moonves discussing the fate of Chuck Sheen and by extension the CBS programming empire. While recently on tour in LA, Tom met the network chief at the Ivy and was overheard to say “fuck, Les, what are you gonna do? He’s a cash cow and we both know that money talks….Well, not like the way Kacey Jordan’s been talking, am I right? Seriously though, get that cheese, Les.” they then reportedly burst into laughter, unbuckled their belts, lit cigars and leaned back onto large pillows of money.

Spotted! Matt Skiba who’s made no secret of his love for post-depression era Teutonic regalia turned more than a few heads this weekend when he showed up to Real Housewives of Atlanta star NeNe’s ‘get the cold out’ party dressed as none other than the kraut kyboshing Winston Churchill. With his head freshly shaved into the traditional toilet-seat ring, a fat suit and Winston’s telltale limp and cane, Skiba’s new style surprised partygoers and raised quite a stir when he remarked to NeNe’s daughter “my dear, I may be drunk, but you’re ugly and in the morning I’ll be sober.”

Orange Alert! A very inebriated Tim McIlrath was spotted leaving a Detroit nightclub and reportedly got into a scuffle with some local clubbers when someone called him “Snooki,” referring to the results of his new bronzer and tanning bed regimen. A slurring McIlrath allegedly pulled a pistol from underneath his oversized Raptor’s starter jacket and told the gathering crowd that he was “ DTF some mofo’s up” and asked “who wants to step to this?” before his entourage reportedly whisked him into his humvee. McIlrath is wanted for questioning in Wayne county.

80’s night? Brian “coco” Fallon made a stir when he debuted his new look on a recent taping of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Coco reportedly arrived to pick up Bruce Jenner wearing a “tron-esqe neon lycra jumpsuit and robotic backpack.” When aksed about the ensemble, Coco was heard to laughingly remark “Don’t be a biiiiiitch! Tron is fabu!” He and Jenner reportedly then got into Fallon’s lime green ford Fiesta, pumped up Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Relax and sped off into the night.

Someone’s got a case of the Uh-Ohs! Looks like Tim Armstrong of Rancid fame got a little more than he bargained for when he inadvertently tweeted a picture of his erect penis to his one million plus followers accompanied by the caption “tastes like cocoa puffs.” The tweet has since been deleted but not before it created quite an uproar. Reached for comment, Armstrong remarked “it’s unfortunate to be sure, but I have hedonistic proclivities just like everyone else. It’s deeply lamentable that this faux pas occurred and I express a deep regret that…” ah, fuck…I should stop. I don’t even know this guy.
Come see me on Saturday!


FranklinStein said...

LO FUCKING L!!!!!!!!!!!

Hamilton Martin said...

thanx, i needed a laugh this morning. fucking tim mcilrath

boringdan said...

Tim has a raptor? And he had the gall to wear it's jacket?

dustyfloors said...

Used to loooooove the Starter jackets.

Seagull Steve said...

Good one Beex! Tim with the Raptor Starter is an awesome mental image.

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...