Okay, the world is really truly going to hell, innit? It seems crazy that I’m here for it. Of all the millions of people who have ever lived on this earth, we are the ones who get to see the whole thing go to shit, eh? I mean, don’t get me wrong…it’s pretty cool to see the only world I’ll ever know go up in flames, but I’m not too partial to the rapes and pestilence and the starvation and human displacement and shit, especially now that I’ve got a family.
Oh, fuck…ten years ago, bring on the apocalypse. I could have just packed up some sweatpants and a pair of sunglasses and fucked and sucked my way out to the coast (figuratively of course) and ridden out the rapture in style, but now I’ve got a house and a baby and a toddler and a wife and well, that makes shit a little harder to figure out, don’t it? I can’t just be train hopping and living by my wits when I’m traveling with so many tiny helpless little easily abusable people. I mean, even just traveling with my wife during any sort of doom would be too much. You know?
Nope. It really seems like the only way to survive in any sort of every-man-for-himself situation is to be unencumbered by any semblance of affection for anything you’re traveling with, because the second you encounter someone that’s truly evil, well, they’re gonna use that relationship to their advantage by way of harming or threatening to harm those things that you love…I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was evil. It seems like it would be very effective. Man, I don’t even want to think about that stuff. Let’s just suffice it to say I’m no longer the lean, mean apocalypse navigating machine I once so very recently was.
And lest you think I’m being glib regarding the end of the world, lets look at what’s happening out there: the entire western part of that super sketchy zone over there is starting to get pretty nutty on an ever expanding scale (that’s what’s known as the ‘beginning of the end’ in lay person terms), gas is gonna, in no uncertain terms hit five bucks a gallon very soon, food is getting more and more expensive, there are more people on the earth now than have ever lived here combined, the biggest generation in America is getting old but refusing to die, if you lined up Chinese folks six across and had them walk past you at four miles an hour (quite a feat, btw) the line would NEVER END due to the rate of repopulation over there, flooding and increasingly erratic weather conditions threaten to displace huge numbers of people in the next couple of years and this article I read yesterday indicated that the amount of food that the earth will need to produce to feed motherfuckers in the next forty years will have to be equal to the amount of food produced in the last 8000, which is probably a lot….I don’t know.
So yeah. Looks like the end of the world. I mean, I doubt the WHOLE world will end, but the only places that are gonna survive are gonna have to be remote, near fresh water and able to grow shit…so, uh…not here. That’s for sure. We’ve got 3 million hairdressers, waitresses, copywriters and dudes that work at Foot Locker here and not a single person that can probably navigate doom in any sort of reasonable way. Well, the southside of Chicago is already pretty much a DMZ, so those folks (no pun intended) may just turn out pretty alright. I mean, what the fuck does the end of the world mean to someone who already doesn’t have plumbing, who already hears gunshots every day, who subsists exclusively on Doritos and pork rinds, to someone who already feels completely trapped and doomed? Right?
Fuck. That’s really, really depressing. On that note I’m off to the museum.