Tuesday, February 22, 2011

doooooooomed. again

Okay, the world is really truly going to hell, innit? It seems crazy that I’m here for it. Of all the millions of people who have ever lived on this earth, we are the ones who get to see the whole thing go to shit, eh? I mean, don’t get me wrong…it’s pretty cool to see the only world I’ll ever know go up in flames, but I’m not too partial to the rapes and pestilence and the starvation and human displacement and shit, especially now that I’ve got a family.

Oh, fuck…ten years ago, bring on the apocalypse. I could have just packed up some sweatpants and a pair of sunglasses and fucked and sucked my way out to the coast (figuratively of course) and ridden out the rapture in style, but now I’ve got a house and a baby and a toddler and a wife and well, that makes shit a little harder to figure out, don’t it? I can’t just be train hopping and living by my wits when I’m traveling with so many tiny helpless little easily abusable people. I mean, even just traveling with my wife during any sort of doom would be too much. You know?

Nope. It really seems like the only way to survive in any sort of every-man-for-himself situation is to be unencumbered by any semblance of affection for anything you’re traveling with, because the second you encounter someone that’s truly evil, well, they’re gonna use that relationship to their advantage by way of harming or threatening to harm those things that you love…I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was evil. It seems like it would be very effective. Man, I don’t even want to think about that stuff. Let’s just suffice it to say I’m no longer the lean, mean apocalypse navigating machine I once so very recently was.

And lest you think I’m being glib regarding the end of the world, lets look at what’s happening out there: the entire western part of that super sketchy zone over there is starting to get pretty nutty on an ever expanding scale (that’s what’s known as the ‘beginning of the end’ in lay person terms), gas is gonna, in no uncertain terms hit five bucks a gallon very soon, food is getting more and more expensive, there are more people on the earth now than have ever lived here combined, the biggest generation in America is getting old but refusing to die, if you lined up Chinese folks six across and had them walk past you at four miles an hour (quite a feat, btw) the line would NEVER END due to the rate of repopulation over there, flooding and increasingly erratic weather conditions threaten to displace huge numbers of people in the next couple of years and this article I read yesterday indicated that the amount of food that the earth will need to produce to feed motherfuckers in the next forty years will have to be equal to the amount of food produced in the last 8000, which is probably a lot….I don’t know.

So yeah. Looks like the end of the world. I mean, I doubt the WHOLE world will end, but the only places that are gonna survive are gonna have to be remote, near fresh water and able to grow shit…so, uh…not here. That’s for sure. We’ve got 3 million hairdressers, waitresses, copywriters and dudes that work at Foot Locker here and not a single person that can probably navigate doom in any sort of reasonable way. Well, the southside of Chicago is already pretty much a DMZ, so those folks (no pun intended) may just turn out pretty alright. I mean, what the fuck does the end of the world mean to someone who already doesn’t have plumbing, who already hears gunshots every day, who subsists exclusively on Doritos and pork rinds, to someone who already feels completely trapped and doomed? Right?

Fuck. That’s really, really depressing. On that note I’m off to the museum.

18 comments:

Seagull Steve said...

Yeah, its a grim outlook for sure...personally, I think the overpopulation/resource consumption thing is the bleakest aspect. But you know...if we were around during the Black Plague or any other epidemics, things would have looked a lot worse.

James said...

That 6 person by 4 mph statistic is pretty impressive.

dustyfloors said...

Happy Tuesday.
Christ that depressed me.

lukewootton said...

Hell we sell water to each other for fuck sakes, what happens when we run out of that! The consensus is 70.8% of the world is covered in water, but only 1% of that water is drinkable.

Now we bottle it and sell it, when all the water is just purified tap water. Evian spelled backwards is naive, coincidence?

limited nobility said...

Yes luke.Almost certainly

leon said...

Yes we're going to need to drastically revolutionize agricultural technology in order to meet the demand of the growing population but it's certainly not the first time. As long as scientific research is funded we have a chance of tackling these problems.

leon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
carmichael rogers said...

The real question it seems anymore should be less about how we are going to, as an entire species, going to solve these imminent problems. Instead it consistently looks like a guessing game of how to avoid being one of the dead in the mass culling that is coming ever closer. Then again, I'm going to start drinking now.

Jadedgoober7 said...

Also supposedly the Mayans predicted the end in 2012, I just think they stopped bothering to count. The calendar on my phone goes past 2022, I'd rather trust some computer tech people that can design software to program my satellite to record swamp people on thursday, than a bunch of people who died out without being able to predict their own demise. Duh what happened?

Sean said...

remember when you said something along the lines of "a song shouldn't just be all negative without some sort of balance?"

...... that.

Sean said...

also... worrying about the end won't accomplish much, if it happens it's gunna happen.

statistics shmatistics.

stephanie renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
disastermarch said...

yeah i read that article about the food shortage yesterday... quite disheartening, especially when you think about the most likely (at least for now) outcomes: a) develop genetically grown food to augment naturally produced food, which is possible (search for the research lab in South [maybe North] Carolina where a scientist is currently doing this) but for some moral reason off-limits (see replacing spent organs with stem-cell grown replicas for that one) b) a massive population die-off in poorer parts of the world sparked by either war, famine, or weather, which tragically and frankly is probably what's going to happen, or c) global cooperation on a massive scale we've never seen before, which would be great, but for a million reasons (you know them all) isn't going to happen any time soon.

it's such a sad state of affairs... and I don't care

Drunken Acorn said...

I like to think of myself as a 5'7" Snake Plissken without an eye patch. So I like to think I can handle a pesky Apocalypse. Plus my Mom is a really crazy christian nut who has told me since I was a toddler that the rapture was going to happen in my lifetime. My gun nut cousin and I actually have an escape plans for nearly every scenario. Except a nuke. Nothing can really survive that. My dad owns some remote land in northern AZ so I know where I'm going if any shit goes down. BK and Socks are all welcome. There is an outhouse too. It smells.

Owner Operator said...

nz is getting fucked over.

word verification: redosor

it's red and it's a dino... REDOSOR!

Daniel Gordon said...

grow your own food and stop bitching... gardening is the most pure form of anarchy... where'd i put my beer?

christophe said...

The only thing that can postpone the ultimate demise of humanity with at least a century or two, is a good ol' genocide.

Or a very nasty ebola-like virus that would eradicate about 30 to 50 percent of us all.

Genetic manipulation, new food resources, alternative fuels... Ain't gonna help much. There's just too many of us and we all just live waaaaay too long.

Virtual Visor (Mesmerizer) said...

hashref77917[Q/7deduc??] <<"Gardening is the most pure form of anarchy">>

Per my proprietary origination deduction algorithms, the individual in question originally overheard this remark spoken calmly and articulately by a smartly-dressed-but-secretly-retarded "intellectual" (James Franco type) at a social gathering featuring an overabundance of kelp-centric cuisine in Spring 2005