Monday, February 14, 2011

holiday advice!

In 1812, Jerome Lee Valentine ran naked through the streets of Pigeon Forge Tennessee being chased by a large older man with a hacksaw, who was screaming something incomprehensible about his twelve year old daughter. Now, years later, in honor of that brave dash, lovers the world over celebrate Valentines day. It’s about love. It’s about boning and for a huge percentage of the population it’s about feeling smug or lonely because Valentines day doesn’t really apply to you (because you’re single and therefore no one loves you). Regardless though, there are pitfalls to navigate and that’s why I’m here. So settle into this special VD themed edition of BSC and see if you can’t learn a thing or two, eh?

If you’re single:
Listen, this is a rough one. Sure, you can stay home but everything on TV is gonna feature Jennifer Anniston and you’ll get that pitying look from the delivery guy AND you’ll kind of wind up feeling defeated, so what’s the move? Go out to a restaurant by yourself and watch all the botched proposals? That’s kind of fun, but the trade off is that everyone there is gonna think your date stood you up. Maybe you just go to the bar and prey on the lonely souls/predatory dipshits that haunt the barstools on Valentines day. It’s a great night for watching SLOPPY drunks and maybe getting in a casual hate-bang. The one thing that you should NOT do, however, is call up all your turd single friends and have a ‘lonely hearts night’ because A) it’s so fucking dorky that it’s embarrassing to even type and B) your one creepy friend will probably show up and/or another group of dorks will show up and the awkward insistence that no one’s actually lonely and the weird mating dance that’s bound to ensue will be pretty unbearable. AND there’s probably gonna be someone who’s been through a rough break up recently, so you’ll have to listen to that shit all night. And honestly, who gives a fuck if his dumb cunty ex girlfriend blew the drummer in that band? She was laaaaaame anyway.
So what does that leave? Get a prostitute. It’s classy, discreet and they’re probably wondering what to do as well. Hell, take em to dinner. Just don’t be surprised when they order something gross and eat with their hands.

If you’ve just met:
Yahoo and other highly wack news sites will tell you that this is very tricky. They’ll say that it’s the kind of thing that puts undo pressure on a new relationship that’s still hazily defined and all sorts of other nonsense. But they’re pussies. Here’s what you do: You show up unannounced, drunk and just kind of start banging on the door and yelling. Make a few vague references to marriage and blood and possibly even hurting yourself. Slump down at the base of the door. Moan. Be sweaty. When your new Valentine inevitably comes to the door, immediately perk up, smooth down your hair, look confused and say, “oh, shit. I’m sorry. I’m totally at the wrong place. Weird. Sorry. Jeez. Um...Wanna get a pizza or something?” This pretty much works every time.

If you’ve been dating for a few months:
You’re probably at the point where you can’t stop boning, and Valentines day should be no exception to this awesome trend. Get a tarp and a large thing of lube. Put your tv in your room and find some filthy pornography. Wait naked on the slick, tarped up bed until your valentine comes over. Have the pornography going. Put a bucket of ribs or chicken (or other similarly sexy dish) somewhere that’s easily reachable from the bed. Be sure you’ve had a shower. Have some Nine Inch Nails cued up on the stereo. Get weird.

If you’re in a committed LTR:
Avoid your valentine all day. Act nervous and weird. When they give you your valentines day present (if they’re worth a shit they did SOMETHING, even if it’s just a flower or a homemade card or something, right?) break down crying and say you’ve just found out you have herpes. Midway through the fighting and yelling and breaking things, tell him/her that you’re just joking and show them this entry as proof of your awesome shenanigans. Laugh. Bone like the church is on fire.

If you’re married w kids:
Eat a hastily assembled dinner. Clean up. Have a cocktail. Put the kids to bed. Slump defeatedly into a chair and watch some lame tv show. Vaguely mention love through yawns. Go to bed. Be too tired to bang. Pass out with your hand lovingly resting on your spouse’s junk.

Okay folks! Good luck out there! I’m going to the Walgreens to get some discount candy! See you kids soon.

18 comments:

Shaun said...

Alternately for you married folk, sit at home and contemplate your unemployed uselessness while your wife works. Go out and buy her a delicious local meal for dinner. Go with burritos if you're feeling particularly spicy, but be aware that burritos lead to farts, which doesn't lead to boning.

(Well, for some it would, I guess, but you're not one of those people, are you? Would you even admit it if you were?)

Go to bed early since she had work early today and wake up tomorrow, another milestone of your life past.

dustyfloors said...

VD themed BSC.
Ha

dgibby said...

Some random youtube comment...

Its guys like "Brendan Kelly" who dont know what there talking about and make us punks look stupid. Then they feed there bull crap to there mainstream fans.

User name: bioxzombie138

Hamilton Martin said...

perusing craigslist for said prostitutes now

Buddy said...

fuck vday, what about lady antebellum?

Sean said...

Hahaha "us punks"

What a fool.

Banana@1000MPH said...

This might be my new favorite BSC.

Hamilton said...

when people make stupid comments about punk like that, i just tell 'em to read this: http://lastfm.spiegel.de/user/gk20/journal/2007/08/08/b7cp4_a_punk_manifesto_-_the_definition_of_true_punk,_by_greg_graffin

carmichael rogers said...

remember it's a holiday so there are going to be a lot of new names on the craigslists and backpages trolling on the lonely lame unlovables out there. Check out TER to find the real pro's. Or just fap to the reviews and save a couple hundred bucks. Perv!

Brendan Kelly said...

so weird that this vanished and I had to repost! What in the world is going on here?

clotheshunger said...

i chuckled heartily at "bone like the church is on fire."

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Yea one of your entries from the other week vanished mysteriously as well. The one that came between "Listen Up!" and "Oscar Fever, Anyone?" Surprised no one's mentioned it frankly.

limited nobility said...

I always felt rzeznik was kind of a rich man's Jack Noseworthy.Lets call him J-Nose.Holy fuck!that dudes last name is fucking noseworthy!

Owner Operator said...

more like smellantine's day

Tyler M. said...

Hey BK.

Did you see this article by the girl from Measure(SA) about sexism in punk?(http://ilivesweat.tumblr.com/post/2929328480/you-know-what-makes-me-feel-unsafe-lauren-denitzio)

It's causing quite a stir in the ole' punk rock blogesphere(sp?) and I was wondering what your take on it is. You're a (pretty) smart, well informed, "progressive" "punk rocker" but a lot of what you say here and in some of your songs could be viewed as sexist. Do you consider yourself to be sexist? Do you think the punk rock community is more or less sexist than the general public?

Just curious what "Mr. Dick-dildo-farts" thinks about the whole topic.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

So basically she's worked up over a disinct mixture of laughable abitrary shit (tone it down in the pit; keep your shirt on; don't have the audacity to ask if I'm "with" a band) and basic human truths (guys on the whole ARE naturally more adept musicians than gals, hence "You play good geetar for a gurl"--p.s. ever seen a woman play drums? jesus christ; the guys in the band DO all want to fuck the girl in the band; etc)

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

MMmmmmmmm maggie white tyrannosaur robo-armmmmmmms Mmmmmmmm stiff-stiff-stiffy-stiff herky-jerk jerky-herk (female drum technique)

alan said...

Thanks a lot for this advise I like it so much keep working and posting the articles on regular basis..


Smith Alan
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