People who never get laid:
Dungeon Masters- And/or their disciples, or prisoners, or whatever it’s called when you aren’t a dungeon master yourself, but you put your avatar in whatever dungeon the master is the master of. Jesus. See why these guys never get laid? These are the same guys on the forefront of fleshlight/pocket vagina/electronic blowjob sleeve technological innovation though, so for the sake of science and all the rest of us, let’s hope these dudes never invent a way to make women think orcs and wizards and shit are sexy, or we’re all doomed.
See also: Star Wars Guy, Lord of the Rings guy, Obsessive (more than you) Video game/Internet guy
Self proclaimed ‘nice guys’—Pussies who quote John Cusack and make overtly sappy romantic gestures (again, a la Lloyd Dobler himself) like showing up places with flowers, playing favorite songs on boom boxes held aloft, getting too-expensive christmas gifts for coworkers they have crushes on…these guys look like potential stalkers without exuding any of the ‘first impression’ charm that most actual stalkers possess.
See also: Poets, Best friends, obsessive regular at the coffee shop/bar/restaurant some girl works at.
The extremely gross—You never, ever shower/ you’re over four hundred pounds/ you’ve got a scab covering your whole face/ there’s insertion porn photos right on the cover of your trapper keeper/ you have white sweatpants on with visible shit stains…You’d think this would be a no brainer, but really, it’s not. If you can’t even be bothered to do the minimum maintenance to prevent people from being grossed out to the point of barfing just by looking at you, well…who’s gonna pump your wang? Answer- You and you only.
The clueless prick—
Here’s the scene: Regular bar, populated by regular folk is infiltrated by a bunch of guys in hockey jerseys, leather jackets, slicked back hair and gold trim. There are a few goatees and a few greased back balding heads, for sure. They talk loudly. They’re covered in cologne. They have their numbers already written on the insides of a bunch of different matchbooks. They all order cosmos. They loudly make fun of the fat chicks and other dudes in the bar. They fist pump a lot. More cosmos. They send inappropriate drinks down the bar to chicks who are with dudes then they leer. They make comments like “nice ass” and try to dance with groups of women. They try to start a fight. They go home. They masturbate to the thought of each other’s sisters and wonder what the fuck went wrong again tonight. These guys watch ‘The Pick Up Artist’ and try the moves, forgetting that we’ve all seen that show, guy, and we know what you’re up to. “Hey, I need a woman’s opinion real quick…I gotta meet my friend in a second.” Not so fast, Matador.
People who get laid sometimes, but only by each other-
The curly haired sensualist-
Usually large breasted and wearing too much makeup, the curly haired sensualist is quick to insert a double entendre into a conversation or drop tidbits about her donging preferences like it’s no big deal. She almost certainly writes poetry and has a bit of a mustache if you look closely. It’s no stretch to imagine her listening to Enya with some oils and a toolbox of dildos in the whirlpool tub. She never understands why her sensuality fails to be as provocative as it seems like it should, forgetting that she’s pretty much acting like a dude, which is great, but only if you’re not also reminding everyone of their horny aunt.
They do sometimes get laid, though, by:
The ponytailed/trenchcoat sensualist:
This guy…Y.U.C.K. I went to highschool with a few of this dude. Always with the penthouse letters style short stories in creative writing class and a young girlfriend who he does god-knows-what to in god-knows-where. This is the type of guy who has tribal tattoos up his spine, is into massage and probably tai chi or something that involves posing. He’s fit and every bit as easy to picture listening to Enya in the whirlpool with a box of dildos. He’s got nipple rings and a tattoo around his bellybutton, or a tattoo around his nipples and a bellybutton ring. Either way, ugh. He maybe puts honey on his nipples and an ice cube in his mouth too, you know, when he’s alone…so gross. So just incredibly gross. I’d say Mystery himself falls into this category. This is the dungeon master graduate program for dudes who are sick of using the internet as a monogamous sex partner.
These two find each other occasionally, and let’s be honest, they’re probably having more fun than any of us. I want nothing to do with it, and I’m sure they emerge smelling like a rotten barn and sticky from head to toe, but hey, they’re living the dream.
People who get laid constantly:
Guys who have bad reputations as dudes that fuck chicks and then ditch them-
It never fails to infuriate the guys from the ‘people who never get laid’ category, but it’s the truth. These guys have tapped into the competitive nature of women and figured out the ultimate loophole. Banging around a social circle is a lot like having a heart attack—each time it happens another one following is more likely. This works best if it’s a situation like a bar that has a bunch of regulars or school, rather than say, a group of six specific friends, although both ways tend to work. Much in the same way that predatory men charm women because they want to bang them, predatory women bang men because they want to charm them. These guys who seem uncharmable, despite all the banging, are exactly like the women who seem unbangable, despite all the charming.
This is why dildos like Tucker Max write about mistreating women and as a result have more pussy on their dockets than they could possibly ever work through in six lifetimes with a truckload of borrowed dicks. Treacherous? Oh yeah. Unbelievably successful? Mmmmhmmm.
Drug dealers- Pretty obvious, right? You want something that goes in the lungs/nose/arm? Well here’s something that goes in the pussy/mouth/ass.
Most women- There’s a real jes ne sais quois about a woman who CAN’T get laid. I don’t know what that factor is, but some possess it. Most women, however could get laid in almost any situation. The issue is that most women have standards of some sort that tend to get in the way. This is pretty sensible since there are some real creepy dudes out there (Ed Gein just as an example) but it’s a roadblock nonetheless. Listen ladies, if there was a Let’s Make A Deal type situation where Monty Hall came into your office and said “I’ll give you (whatever it is you most desire, a billion dollars, a whole grip of slaves, a house in the sky, world peace, the cure for cancer, your grandma’s back from the dead and she can dance again, whatever) if you can get yourself laid, by a man, in the next five minutes, you could almost all do it. That’s gotta be a little comforting/very disturbing to think about.
Gay dudes- Nothing but dudes means all pretense and rules are out the window. It’s like your parents being out of town for the rest of your life.
There are many people who are not on the above list, and I look forward to attempting to get to all of them, including the foreigner from Europe, the foreigner from South America, the dude with too many muscles, the guido, the guy in that shitty party shirt (stripey and button up [or Ed Hardy] with some of those dumb designer jeans that have all that garbage on the pockets) the old man, the metal head, the burnout, the racist, mustachioed strongman, the farmer, the quadriplegic and of course the model UN president.
Good luck out there.