Thursday, December 18, 2008

The ONE HUNDREDTH post. No sappy shit, kay?

So the office party was a success. I Xeroxed my ass and balls, got a few beejes from a few secretaries and generally wore the lampshade. It was held at a restaurant that I’ve always wanted to go to and the food proved to be pretty okay. I did a lot of my hanging with the argumentative Mexican-by-way-of-Missouri wunderkind and the gay dudes. Of course, as an office spouse (did I not make this crystal clear? This was my wife’s office party…My office party [if you can call it that] is on Sunday and involves drunk slutty cocktail waitresses and drunk Mexican guys and me. That’s gonna be fun) I was on my best behavior. I stuck to whiskey, except for with the meal, then I had wine and whiskey. Oh, and then the bosses wife wanted me to drink sake with her, so I did that. It was fun and not at all embarrassing, even when I spilled sake on her. Hey, lots of people were spilling things.
The big news was that suddenly I was talking to this guy from New York who introduced himself as the guy who had lost a couple of babies earlier in the year. As in miscarriage, not gross negligence. I politely recalled and condoned, as a good office wife should. We chatted for a while, then it got pretty weird pretty quick. My wife approached and we were all talking, still about his babies n such, then about how we have a new baby. Yeah, the baby is great…not a lot of sleep, but you know, he’s cool. That’s when he busts out with “See, he (that would be me) doesn’t understand. I HELD MY DEAD BABIES IN MY HANDS!”
I just kind of walked away. Dude, seriously? Quite the move, eh? I mean, I guess he held ‘em. They were apparently twins that made it about five months. So, they’d clotted and everything. Which means, you know, technically, holding them was possible. Still, man…This is an office party. Talk about how you wanna bang Marge from accounts receivable or something. Don’t hit some stranger with your fetus-clutching story. That’s like tenth date shit.
I got to go to work and my wife is off to NYC for office party part two. That means it’s just me and the midget at the crib tonight, which means HOUSE PARTY!!!!! See you all there. It’s BYOS (the S stands for syzurp)

14 comments:

Nico said...

fuckit brendan, tonight is the night of MY houseparty. i'm pretty sure i invited you, so hosting a competing party on the same night is a bit of a dickey move. maybe we should just combine the parties?

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

You can't have your cake and eat it too: either go to a restaurant or go to the office (and there, and only there, can you xerox and beejay your life away).


With that said, I have no idea what losing a baby is like...but I imagine that no matter how excited I got about having a baby, I would NOT want to hold it if it was dead. Just as I would not want to hold a dead friend or family member or acquaintance.

Andrew said...

i dont understand all the hate on missouri. we dont hate illinois...much

Candice said...

would you prefer the nude photos be e-mailed or mailed to your home?

CasiAnna said...

what happened to the good ol' days when people kept that shit inside and NEVER EVER let other people know about it...it's a dying common courtesy...

Ian said...

BK, I got bad news. No more Sparks.

http://cbs13.com/local/alcoholic.energy.drink.2.890317.html

Julene said...

Sake doesn't stain, nobody should ever dare complain about it being spilled on them. Unless they're a raving alcoholic and are going to proceed to try to suckle every last drop out of the fabric, I guess.

Eric said...

haha candice brendans email addy is efrizog@hotmail.com

Sickie27 said...

Off topic: I heard from a bird that you don't wash your hands after you urinate, especially at The Fest. I told the guy that "Brendan Kelly doesn't need to wash his hands, they are just always bacteria free."


On topic: There is also a house party coming up for me, where I am actually the guest of honor (but not the host). This isn't gonna be filled with drunks and people snorting things off each other's bodies, which is totally cool with me, but how do I make other people realize they can have fun without it? Is this even possible? Or should I at least include some naked Twister? Decisions, decisions.

Jeremy said...

Goddam, dude. That's a helluva conversation stopper. I think talking about your own dead babies beats "what church do you belong to" and "don't you think my sister's hot" anyday. ...both, unfortunately, things I've actually heard said at a party... Incidentally, telling dead baby jokes to a hitchhiker you've just picked up? Also awkward.

Some Young Guy said...

I HELD MY DEAD BABIES IN MY HANDS!!

sheila said...

soooo, i had this epiphany just prior to falling asleep last nite (you know how this goes, i am sure: something amazing finds its way into your brain and you think to yourself, this is so good that i will remember it tomorrow...? but 9 chances out of 10 you don't)

well, luckily i remebered this one, so here it is, my new - we'll call it gourmet now, since we're bringing electric kitchen appliances besides blender into the mix - Bloody Mary recipe!!!...actually just make it how you normally would, sans the tomato juice, and puree a can of fire roasted tomatoes, then add tomato paste/water to taste if the consistency bothers you.

RockerByeBaby said...

wow, not gunna lie thats a pretty twisted story... my friend was pregnant with twins... same thing, miscarried and 5 months... they were so twisted up they sold all they baby stuff they bought and ran off to mexico for two weeks and just disappeared... now 2 years later they have a 8 month old little man... but i could NEVER imagine them breaking down like that guy did to you. Thats just messed up. I mean... who does that... besides that guy... bluh... you NEVER wanna be "that" guy...

Farfel said...

http://proof.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/21/buybacks/