My friend Katie told me the following joke:
What’s the difference between a goth couple?
About 100 pounds.
Now, that’s just funny. Why is it that with the goth kids, there’s a super skinny, mummy type and a gigantic scary powdered donut type but pretty much nothing in between. Every goth couple on earth looks like a number 10 walking around. Funny.
Actually, some of the girls can be pretty good looking if you ignore the…well, you know, corpse paint. I first went to this place in Atlanta called the Masquerade a few years ago for Halloween. It’s got three floors and each floor has a name. There’s heaven, hell and purgatory. It used to be a pretty great place (back when I was first there) but it’s become the most fetid shit stink box of a building in the universe in subsequent years. I think all the pipes that carry shit from the toilets to wherever shit ultimately goes just sort of burst behind the walls and so now, whenever anyone shits in the masquerade, it just goes right into the ventilation system. Whatever, that’s really neither here nor there.
The point is, I was at this place back when it was nice and they were having this goth rave thing and it was wild. Chicks were just in crazy outfits. One girl was in a spangly thong and pasties with angel wings and stripper heels. There was another whole gaggle of chicks dressed as various Hitlers. There were tons of your standard goth girls in sheer clothing, and a lot of these girls were quite attractive, but every dude in the place was SUCH a dork. Pantyhose arms, lipstick, some sort of dumb collar, belly straining against his mesh shirt…you know the dudes. It was at this moment I realized ‘wow, these goth guys really have it all figured out’. I mean, they’ve inserted themselves into a subculture that, however dorky, actually embraces the idea of boning being fun. Sure, that’s the case with metal too, but there are no girls. I guess that in the 80’s there was a pretty hedonistic thing going on in LA with all the fake metal, but that seems like it was kind of one sided. The girls were kind of bimbos and the dudes were assholes. This goth thing is much more bizarre. The girls are kind of in control and the guys are fucking NERDS. Nice work nerds!
In fact, is goth the mathematical answer to the eternally unanswerable equation (Nerds+X=Pussy)??? I think it may be. Think about it…highly sexualized music, absolutely no regard for what everyone else in the world deems to be acceptable. Physical shortcomings (I’m looking your direction, number 10 couple) are completely fine because you slather yourself in crap and always use candles as lighting. There’s a highly feminine aspect (makeup, panty hose leather, boots, fashion in general), and as a result lots of girls flock to the scene and it prizes the sensual above all. Nerds…congratulations. You’ve done it. I feel like I just discovered the secret island where all the white seals escaped to or something. Holy shit! That’s why goth dudes are so nerdy! They’re GENUINE nerds in disguise! Actually, in advanced calculus, once all the pretenders have failed out or moved to different areas of study, the professor puts down the protractor and he’s like “okay gentlemen, here it is!” and he pulls up the map to reveal on the blackboard “X=Goth bullshit when Nerds+X=Pussy.” Then they all clumsily high five and go out for Blizzards.
So anyway, at this thing (back at the Masquerade) they started doing ‘suspensions’ (a transparent nerdism now that I’ve cracked the code…they never got suspended from school, so they’ve figured out a way to do it at their nerd/goth functions. Brilliant…) where they put meathooks through your back or your dick or your butt or whatever and they hoist you up and you just float around the room like some sort of side of beef from Rocky I. Gross. I have a friend named Sebas, a Sicilian who lives in Berlin who insists that there is no better feeling than being suspended by a meathook above a room of copulating goth dorks. My theory is that he’s never received a blowjob.
Fuck man. I gotta work today. Happy Thursday to all.