Wednesday, December 31, 2008

it's the end of the year as we know it part II

This is part two of the BSC year end list for 2008. The first section is directly below and entitled “It’s the end of the year as we know it.”

On to the good stuff:

Most self indulgent waste of time-
Narrowly beating out whacking off in the dark while your baby cries in the next room, year end lists were voted the most self indulgent waste of time again this year. Perhaps in a different era, where a select group of well known people’s opinions were in some way linked to the perceived hipness or artistic integrity of a publication/institution, there could be some sort of argument that year end lists weren’t totally worthless. However, in this day and age, that’s not the case. Every dipshit on earth has an opinion, a blog and a dumb website that can just keep going and going even if no one reads it. Why would I possibly care about your opinion, random asshole? Why would you even take the time to categorize and list said opinion? Oh, because you ‘write’ for a ‘website.’ Cool. That sounds important, and not at all like a pretend job. You thought Quantum of Solace was the best film of the year, eh? Wow. Fascinating. If I wanted lists and categories strung arbitrarily together by any rambling schlong with an opinion, I’d go to an old folks home and ask the residents if they had any complaints. Congratulations year end lists! You’ve won an award.

Best year end list-
Bad Sandwich Chronicles “It’s the end of the year as we know it” parts one and two-
Finally, a year end list that takes year end lists and makes a year end list about them! Take that, you post modern meta-art self reflexive fucks! Not only am I having a fucking year end list about year end lists, but I’m fucking winning the whole thing because of it. Like Kevin Spacey in Seven, I believe some day you’ll all look back in awe at what I’ve just done here.

Blackest President-
Congratulations Dr. Lomax of the United Negro College Fund! You’re the blackest president of 2008!

Best Dad-
Tom Cruise- Putting aside his love of space aliens and cocks, Tom, truly a gifted actor has mastered living his lie of a life and has also somehow managed to not publicly do anything that would make the world go “That fucking guy has kids? Don’t we have laws in place to prevent that?” Congratulations.

Best Mom-
That mom that uh…what did she do? She killed her baby and blamed it on the sitter, right? Look, raising a kid can be rough. I’m the first to admit that it’s not all coos and laughter. Sometimes you just want to scream. And, depending on who you are, sometimes that leads to tossing your toddler’s corpse into some woods and then waiting thirty one days to report her missing. And it takes guts to pretend to have to identify some remains, and all that. Remains smell terrible, man. AND, since baby sitters are all tramps, at least according to my aunt, it seems to me that this mom made all the hard calls, and did her best to lay the blame on the next most guilty party. She’s just a little stupid, but that’s not a crime, is it? I mean, what is this, Russia?

Best Religion-
Okay, this was a tough one, but in the end, we all decided that uh…what’s it called? The one religion that’s absolutely ridiculous when you actually take the time to examine its mythology? You know the one…It’s followers twist the doctrine to justify doing really shitty stupid things? The whole thing is so fucking dumb, and predicated on such an absolutely retarded beginning, constructed out of lies, fairy stories, nonsensical bullshit and ‘miracles’ that fall apart under just the tiniest bit of scrutiny that if someone tried to pull shit like it nowdays, the followers and the founders would all be locked up (or burned alive)? You know what I’m talking about, right? It hates sex for some reason…Uh, full of perverts…Anyone?…fuck…oh well, let’s just give it to the mormons.

Best leisure activity (sexual)- Felching.
How could it not be felching? It’s offensive, it feels slimy, it tastes like rust, it smells like an untended porcupine farm, it won’t get you pregnant, it’s both gay and straight, and for the first time this year, felching came full force into the public eye when McCain told Larry King that to pass the time in the Hanoi Hilton he and his fellow POW’s “just felched and felched each other. There was nothing else to do, Larry, but felch our goddamn brains out.”

Best leisure activity (non sexual)- Ball sack depth charging.
Look, sure, it involves balls, but make no mistake, there’s nothing sexual about stuffing your ballsack into someone’s butt. It’s like trying on shoes. Yeah, some people get off on it, but those people are twisted. Ball sack depth charging is just something for bros to do with each other while they’re watching the game and eating hot wings.

Coolest trend-
Twittering
I just learned what this is, because I’m such an old dad, but apparently, you kids like everyone to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times. Totally cool. When I was a kid, we tried to HIDE our activities from people. We were under the impression that broadcasting that you were off getting stoned, huffing paint, and eating cheeseburgers would probably eventually end up with some shithead you don’t like showing up and killing the fun, and later, someone like a potential boss or teacher or something knowing business about you that’s really none of theirs, but hey, I’m old school. Put your dumb lives on the internet. See if I care. What could possibly go wrong?

Best trend (tattoo)-
The ACAB tattoo. When I was playing a show in Montana, I saw a dude with this in big bold letters on his forehead. I listened to him talking about the awesome skatepark down the way a few miles or whatever, and then I said “uh…what’s the, uh, ACAB stand for?” “All cops are bastards.” He said. Wow.

Best Ass-
Bristol Palin
When she admitted on “Good Day Anchorage” that she could hold a full pint of liquid in there for twenty five minutes, I knew this particular category was sewn up.

Best death-
You thought it was gonna be Charlton Heston. We all did, but in the end, Eartha Kitt pried the title out of his cold, dead hands.

Things I’m looking forward to in 09
Finally getting on that spaceship and heading up to heaven with the rest of the squares while all you sodomites and electric car drivers drown in the sweet lord’s rivers of blood.

That’s it for 08 everyone! Keep those naked pictures coming and keep watching the skis.
BK

10 comments:

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I read "it smells like an untended porcupine farm" as "an UNINTENDED porcupine farm" which lead me to questions.

Crooks said...

BK, you make me glad everyday that I moved back to the best city in the world from that soul-sucker on the west coast.

Crooks said...

and, if I was still in LA, could I have seen The Larry Arms and Falcon twice each, this year? Of course not.

dan6385 said...

Have a good show tonight, living in Elgin The Smoking Popes turned out to be the better option cause I'm going to be pretty drunk. Release some new music in 09. March will be 3 years with no new LA music.

John Barrett said...

I believe that what you call "ball sack depth charging" is sometimes referred to as "Dogs in a Bathtub."

amandatague said...

i believe the proper term for the activity that you are naming as best nonsexual act of the year is "stubagging"

Andrew said...

ACAP. too good.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Wasnt that a song no the short music comp, all cops are bastards? barbecue their dicks, barbecue their dicks!
09 sucks because there arent any awesome Fat Comps. The 90s were awesome!

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Sam, I thought it said "fuck you, they're dicks", but it was even better than I could ever imagine.

Shaun said...

I think it's worth noting here that one of the dorks from Good Charlotte is less than original.

I mean, yeah, obviously, but take a look at this:

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jezebel/2009/01/90103H2_RICHIE_N_B_GR_10.jpg

The hat, the flannel shirt, the goatee... If he had a mustache, this would be an open and shut case.