Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The weather outside is frightful

People always talk about fuck bots when they talk about the future. They seem to be the meterstick by which we measure our mastery of applied science. “How close are we to the days of the fuckbot?”is, in a very real way, the most important question that any medium of social discourse, from nerdy message boards to hip hop songs to films, has ever asked about our trajectory as a society. It seems like no matter what technology we, as a species manage to invent, the fuck bot is always just out of reach. I mean, we’ve got nanobots that go into your blood and clean it out, for fucks sake. That seems, to my untrained scientific mind to be more difficult to construct than a nice, soft realistic fuck bot, but I guess not. The art/science of erotic robotics is truly the last great frontier. Cancer? Treatable. The moon? We’ve been there (actually, of course we haven’t…but hey! We’ve convinced everyone we have, and that’s even more impressive, at least in my opinion) little cubes that taste like beef? We got those. Malt liquor and energy drink in one can? For a few more precious days, anyone with a decent ID can enjoy one. But try to find a fuckable robot in this crazy mixed up world…Go ahead, try. It’s nigh impossible. I suppose there’s a guy in Japan who recently made a pretty good one. She apparently gets him beer and blows him and stuff.
They say he started out trying to make a robot to help the elderly but fell off track somewhere. Oh Pygmalion! Falling in love with your granny helper bot. I’d like to see the footage of how that all unfolded. How do you end up falling in love with an under-construction robot? Maybe it was early one morning and the guy was naked, you know, pre-coffee, and he was trying out the vacuum feature on the helper bot when his dick got sucked into the intake valve? Next thing you know, he can’t sleep…He gets butterflies every time he looks at his tool belt, and suddenly, he’s fitting the helper bot with a set of cans (heh…get it? Cans? Heh.). I mean, is that what happened? Who knows? Is the robot attractive? Again, who knows?
The funny thing is, that people who like to be penetrated already have pretty affordable fuck bots available to them, but those are kinda unsatisfactory as a general rule. I mean, it’s not going to listen to your story about your coworkers, it’s not going to split a tab of ecstasy with you, it’s not going to impress your parents with its great job and/or witty anecdotes. It’s just going to vibrate and hum in your drawer/butt. Sure, they’re great. I’ve seen all those documentaries where forty five year old British women talk about how they’ve never had such raging orgasms as with their dildo/vibrator. It’s brought them to tears! Oh! Wow! The pleasure! BUT there’s just something missing. You know? If they were really ALL THAT, organic dicks would be out of a job. I mean, the horse got replaced by the car, right? Superior technology. Is the dick in danger of getting out moded? Not really. I think the point stands. This guy in Japan, though…He doesn’t seem like he’s gonna need to look for an organic girlfriend any time soon. I mean, the bot gets him beer and blows him, and she probably doesn’t bitch about him keeping odd hours, looking at porn, being a slob, not flushing, being drunk, never wanting to go anywhere, or whatever it is that this guy does that makes him the kind of person who needs to invent a girlfriend. He sounds like he’s all set for a while. Good for him.
I have to get my baby a passport today. He’s going to mexico for some surf and sun in about a month. Both parents have to be present to get a passport for a baby in order to insure that one parent isn’t just getting all set to take the baby out of the country and never return. Some society we live in. I know I sound like a crochety old shit, but fuck, man. Everyone’s stealing kids, and now I’ve gotta go jump through all these hoops like a criminal and prove I’m not some dick child abductor just so I can go down to Mexico with my kid and enjoy cheap hookers, Quaaludes, and affordable cocaine. It’s a real shame, is what it is. I mean, I know babies are worth a lot of money these days, but you really need to think about it…How much is a baby worth? Fifty grand? Five hundred grand? I don’t know for sure, but mine is pretty nice…he’s a high end model to be sure. And I’m guessing that even if I got a pretty good price for him, let’s say five hundred grand, well, I’d blow through that, and then when it came time for me to retire, I’d be fucked. Now, if I instead raise this kid to be a decent guy, and along the way convince him that I’m not a total raging asshole, when I retire, HE’S gonna take care of me. That’s worth a lot more, especially because we’re talking about future money, so, inflation and all that…Plus, I’d need to get a job in order to be able to retire from one, so that’s gonna be a while right there…I guess the point is, financially, it doesn’t really make sense to sell your babies. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal, and I think there’s only like, a pretty small chance that you’ll be selling him/her into any sort of better life. For every wealthy, loving barren couple out there using the black market there’s also someone who runs a shoe factory or dick suckery. And, well, let’s face it, that’s not a great life either way. SO, don’t sell your babies, everyone. I’m keeping mine. And that’s final.


Anonymous said...

The entire time I was reading the fuckbot part, I was thinking about that robot-maid from the Jetsons...which made it really strange.

Civil Danarchy said...

Saulio, me too man! And I was getting this weird vibe that maybe in some sick psychological way I might have been attracted to her when I was a lad.

RockerByeBaby said...


The Female fuck bot... haha wikipedia that shit...

if you have a couple grand lying around... im sure it could be a good time. But yes, theres a chance you could be out moded... haha