There’s this girl at the bunny ranch (which is, for those of you who don’t know, the most famous legal brothel in the US) who’s seven months pregnant. You can go to the website and check out her belly and all that and then make an appointment to go bang her. Pretty interesting move. I guess people need money, and if she’s already a prostitute and that’s how she makes her money it’s not as though things are really all that different, but something strikes me as odd. No? Maybe I’m just a prude. Fuck man. What ever happened to not working when you got knocked up…barefoot and pregnant, that’s how the expression went, right? BUT, those were simpler times. Now, if your job is blowing carloads of sweaty dudes while they high five and chug Bud Lite Lime, well, getting pregnant isn’t the cushy vacation it used to be. In fact, my limited research seems to indicate that it’s actually a boon for her business…so strange. I thought people went to prostitutes to get away from the bloated, gassy, irritable pregnant women that they lived with. Huh. Hey man, whatever floats your boat. I guess it’s one of those things, where when faced with the opportunity to try something new, people overwhelmingly stick with what they know. Maybe they should get a prostitute at the bunny ranch who won’t blow you at all, complains about your appearance and only lets you fuck her in the shower once every few months. Oh, and she should, about half way through the act, probably suddenly say something like “Oh shit! I’ve gotta call the guy about getting the carpets shampooed!” There you go, bunny ranch. This first idea’s free. A gift from me to you.
In Austria, they put the hardcore porn magazines right next to the kids magazines in gas stations. There’s none of those black shields to block the covers, there are no plastic bags and there’s sure as shit no sequestered rack behind the counter. This is a truly awesome setup. When we’d pull into gas stations, we could all go peruse the crazy Austrian porn while our driver and tour manager handled all the gas getting, etc. SO, this one particular magazine that I saw there, which haunts me to this day featured a woman, nine months pregnant, stuffed to the brim with dicks, being choked with a dog collar, wearing a gimp mask while a guy pissed on her face and into her open mouth. This was actually on the COVER of the magazine. Talk about going for it. What was the pictoral like? How did they kick THAT up a notch? Fuck that, actually. The real question is what does she do to get off in private? Have people shit into her asshole and fuck her bones? Jesus. Anyway, it struck me as odd that someone would be so interested in carrying a baby to term and at the same time so disinterested in you know, her own situation that this sort of picture could ever exist. But as I’ve grown up a bit, I’ve realized that this is a pretty crappy way to consider this. In fact, I’m a real dick.
First, it’s Austria and they’re into some pretty freaky stuff, and who am I to stuff my morality down her throat like it was some giant schlong? Realizing this makes me feel like a prude. There’s really, as long as everyone’s healthy and all that, nothing wrong with getting double penetrated in a gimp mask while you suck two other dicks and a fifth guy pisses on you during the last month of your pregnancy. If that’s how you roll, hey, keep a-rolling, babe. I guess it’s actually great that there are people out there challenging the definition of what’s acceptable and making wussy douche liberals like me examine how free of judgment I really am. Wow. Turns out that pregnant Austrian leather fetish porn star might be one of the greatest heroes of free expression in the history of the world! Man, and I was all ready to condemn her and suggest that her child (probably at least four years old by now) was going to have a pretty strange and unique set of issues. Fuck me, man.
Honestly, if people could back off each other and stop with all the judging, the world would be a much better place. I think that’s really the political definition of Anarchy, just slimmed down to an easily digestible little sentence. Don’t judge me, bro! Like, institutionally, that is. Nice.
Interestingly, in my experience, there’s almost no one on this earth as judgmental and shitty as armchair teen anarchists, by the way. You know those stinky, grimy punks with sleeveless, yellowing shirts, dogs on ropes, bad songs about being free and their own labels? Wow. Those guys and girls have it all figured out. It’s hard to discern why they chose to scientifically eliminate everything fun and joyful from their lives for nothing in return. It’s not like the Christians who do it for the glory of getting a nice apartment in the sky where they’ll be young again and their grandma will be young too and live next door. Nope. It’s not like the hippies who eschew traditional societal norms (and act like fucking dickweeds) so they can get high and fuck each other, and it’s not even like organized protesters like Ghandi or MLK because there’s zero organization, or even tangible enemies, beyond sweeping generalizations, dumpster diving for bums (which, by the way, in the form of Food not Bombs is one of the more condescending moves in the world. Hey bum, I went and got you some food from the garbage and prepared it for you, and it’s all vegetarian, because that’s how I think you should eat. Never mind that you already get your food from the garbage. This is more righteous…sheesh.) and a few protests against things like the world bank that are really not going to be brought down by the one flaccid protest every year that these stinkies attend.
Way to take all the problems with punk rock, combine them with all the things that suck about hippies and somehow make something ten times less desirable than either. I’d rather hang with fucking Ultraviolet Hippopotamus than a bunch of teen anarchists. AND, to bring this full circle, I’d rather hang with pregnant whores and pornstars than hippies, although that wouldn’t really be that great either...um…
Jesus…I think I’d actually just rather hang with my friends. Okay, I’m off to get some lunch. Xoxox0