Monday, December 8, 2008

ich bin ein full of wieners

There’s this girl at the bunny ranch (which is, for those of you who don’t know, the most famous legal brothel in the US) who’s seven months pregnant. You can go to the website and check out her belly and all that and then make an appointment to go bang her. Pretty interesting move. I guess people need money, and if she’s already a prostitute and that’s how she makes her money it’s not as though things are really all that different, but something strikes me as odd. No? Maybe I’m just a prude. Fuck man. What ever happened to not working when you got knocked up…barefoot and pregnant, that’s how the expression went, right? BUT, those were simpler times. Now, if your job is blowing carloads of sweaty dudes while they high five and chug Bud Lite Lime, well, getting pregnant isn’t the cushy vacation it used to be. In fact, my limited research seems to indicate that it’s actually a boon for her business…so strange. I thought people went to prostitutes to get away from the bloated, gassy, irritable pregnant women that they lived with. Huh. Hey man, whatever floats your boat. I guess it’s one of those things, where when faced with the opportunity to try something new, people overwhelmingly stick with what they know. Maybe they should get a prostitute at the bunny ranch who won’t blow you at all, complains about your appearance and only lets you fuck her in the shower once every few months. Oh, and she should, about half way through the act, probably suddenly say something like “Oh shit! I’ve gotta call the guy about getting the carpets shampooed!” There you go, bunny ranch. This first idea’s free. A gift from me to you.
In Austria, they put the hardcore porn magazines right next to the kids magazines in gas stations. There’s none of those black shields to block the covers, there are no plastic bags and there’s sure as shit no sequestered rack behind the counter. This is a truly awesome setup. When we’d pull into gas stations, we could all go peruse the crazy Austrian porn while our driver and tour manager handled all the gas getting, etc. SO, this one particular magazine that I saw there, which haunts me to this day featured a woman, nine months pregnant, stuffed to the brim with dicks, being choked with a dog collar, wearing a gimp mask while a guy pissed on her face and into her open mouth. This was actually on the COVER of the magazine. Talk about going for it. What was the pictoral like? How did they kick THAT up a notch? Fuck that, actually. The real question is what does she do to get off in private? Have people shit into her asshole and fuck her bones? Jesus. Anyway, it struck me as odd that someone would be so interested in carrying a baby to term and at the same time so disinterested in you know, her own situation that this sort of picture could ever exist. But as I’ve grown up a bit, I’ve realized that this is a pretty crappy way to consider this. In fact, I’m a real dick.
First, it’s Austria and they’re into some pretty freaky stuff, and who am I to stuff my morality down her throat like it was some giant schlong? Realizing this makes me feel like a prude. There’s really, as long as everyone’s healthy and all that, nothing wrong with getting double penetrated in a gimp mask while you suck two other dicks and a fifth guy pisses on you during the last month of your pregnancy. If that’s how you roll, hey, keep a-rolling, babe. I guess it’s actually great that there are people out there challenging the definition of what’s acceptable and making wussy douche liberals like me examine how free of judgment I really am. Wow. Turns out that pregnant Austrian leather fetish porn star might be one of the greatest heroes of free expression in the history of the world! Man, and I was all ready to condemn her and suggest that her child (probably at least four years old by now) was going to have a pretty strange and unique set of issues. Fuck me, man.
Honestly, if people could back off each other and stop with all the judging, the world would be a much better place. I think that’s really the political definition of Anarchy, just slimmed down to an easily digestible little sentence. Don’t judge me, bro! Like, institutionally, that is. Nice.
Interestingly, in my experience, there’s almost no one on this earth as judgmental and shitty as armchair teen anarchists, by the way. You know those stinky, grimy punks with sleeveless, yellowing shirts, dogs on ropes, bad songs about being free and their own labels? Wow. Those guys and girls have it all figured out. It’s hard to discern why they chose to scientifically eliminate everything fun and joyful from their lives for nothing in return. It’s not like the Christians who do it for the glory of getting a nice apartment in the sky where they’ll be young again and their grandma will be young too and live next door. Nope. It’s not like the hippies who eschew traditional societal norms (and act like fucking dickweeds) so they can get high and fuck each other, and it’s not even like organized protesters like Ghandi or MLK because there’s zero organization, or even tangible enemies, beyond sweeping generalizations, dumpster diving for bums (which, by the way, in the form of Food not Bombs is one of the more condescending moves in the world. Hey bum, I went and got you some food from the garbage and prepared it for you, and it’s all vegetarian, because that’s how I think you should eat. Never mind that you already get your food from the garbage. This is more righteous…sheesh.) and a few protests against things like the world bank that are really not going to be brought down by the one flaccid protest every year that these stinkies attend.
Way to take all the problems with punk rock, combine them with all the things that suck about hippies and somehow make something ten times less desirable than either. I’d rather hang with fucking Ultraviolet Hippopotamus than a bunch of teen anarchists. AND, to bring this full circle, I’d rather hang with pregnant whores and pornstars than hippies, although that wouldn’t really be that great either...um…
Jesus…I think I’d actually just rather hang with my friends. Okay, I’m off to get some lunch. Xoxox0

14 comments:

Eric said...

So with all the writing/improv classes you take, when are you going to move to New York and try out for SNL? There's a new girl on there who's 18 years old. She's Chris Elliot's kid though, so I guess she's a legacy.

John Brown Style said...

Those anarchist kids blow me away every time. I have never had a conversation with one of them without ending up with a completely dumbfounded look on my face.

Sickie27 said...

I liked the teen anarchists that went to my high school.
Because they went to high school...
One even told me that Anarchy was his religion.

Yeah. Yeah...

kylewagoner said...

I'm assuming you meant "I am one full of dicks" and not "I am a full of dicks." I don't know my German all that well, I've just picked up from WIZO as much as I can. But yeah, totally about the pornstars and all. They stick it to the man more than those Leftover Crack kids (I can't remember their title) that think it's cool not to shower and be hippy punks. Word.

Saul said...

You know, speaking of porn: Someone sent me to cakefarts.com today. And you know what? It isn't nearly as god awful as most of the internet. However, just the idea that someone somewhere is getting off to it...highly disturbing. It should be noted that, of course, afterwards, I HAD to check out "birthdaycakefarts" and oh my god that is fucking the creepiest website ever. Not only is the fart unbelievably loud, but there is a little messageboard below the video where people either say "this is fucking digusting" or (worse), mention how hot it is. Sometimes strange things that say something about society are more disturbing than something that is just plain and simple good old fashion disgusting.

Nico said...

it is indeed "I am one full of wieners", but in german the "one" wouldn't really be used as in english.

fuck, what type of asshole am i to comment on people's german? keep on keepin' on, Brendan.

Some Young Guy said...

Eric: Abby Elliott is 21.

Brendan: You couldn't pay ME to pay one of those crusty Cypriots to eat my souvlaki. I was, however, amused to find pictures of Sean Hannity supporting his local, erm, sporting house?

As for those OTHER crusties, hey man, they run my fucking town. I live in Bloomington, Indiana, the Gainesville or Portland, OR of the midfuckingwest. I work at the club that HOSTED Plan-It-X Fest every year until it eventually stopped due to those smelly transients vandalizing local small businesses and telling me that the nonprofit youth center/venue I work at was run by fascists because we wouldn't let them shit in the parking lot. At least their music sucks!

Some Young Guy said...

Note: Souvlaki = penis.

Matt said...

I am constantly blown away by these street punk kids. Growing up near/hanging out in New York City my entire life has given me the ability to witness just how dumb these people can be. My favorite day was last summer, walking down my friends block. We see a group of these little rebel bastards hanging out in a park. Out of the corner of my eye I catch one of them reach into his back pocket and pull out and iPhone. I was fucking floored. You refure to "conform to the shackles of modern society", but you have a fucking iPhone! Holy hell.

DrewYork said...

Ya... there is a girl in my lit class who claims to be a "syndicalist," while simultaneously paying $30,000's a year to attend a private institution. SHE'S a fucking joke! ANyways, I have no problem with most "anarchist," and in fact, I find an ample amount of them to be quite the erudite individuals, but for those deliberately living off daddy's paycheck to buy the next subversive patch to sew onto their skin-tight torn black jeans... well then I just feel bad for them when they look back on pictures of themselves 20 years from now and ask "what the fuck was I thinking?"

... but then as you put it Brendan, who am I to judge and impose. Have fun you dirty anarquista shitbags! I still love yuh!

nancy said...

Crust punx. Hahaha. Not to be confused with anacharo-punx. Which do not want to be associated with org-core punx that poke fun of the bike punx. Is it punx to add an x at the end?

Matt. said...

The best homeless crusty punk story I have happened last Halloween. I was on my way to a party and was walking down a particular stretch of road that for some reason seems to be synonymous with homeless people who have really long winded stories about how they got there.
So as a young guy, about my age and in crust-punk attire approached, and started into "I don't usually do this but..." I kind of just said "sorry dude" and kept walking, my friend who I was with decided to hear him out.
"I'm not asking for money, but I was wondering if you could get me some food - at least that way you know where you're money is going."
It seemed reasonable, so my friend went into her purse and offered to buy the guy a hotdog from a stand not ten feet away.
"Well" He said, putting his hands up in the 'stop right there' motion, "I'm a Vegan".

Incredible.

RockerByeBaby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RockerByeBaby said...

So... i do the occasional pinup modeling... and one time... I did a shoot that was topless with fishnets and knee high converse shoes... for DADDY only, its lit whored out on the internet or anything... so I was gunna keep it a surprise till I could show him, but I couldnt I was WAY too happy with how they turned out. So I told him.. and instead of being super excited like I thought he would be, having something sexy to bring on tour with him... haha he was pissed. Completely disappointed. And went off on a tangent about someday the boys will see that. How is that appropriate, blah blah blah... So, I havn't really done any modeling since... I can't imagine having to try to explain why while 7 months pregnant I was being used as a cock pin cushion...but hey, more power to her... your right... we live in a VERY different world over here... can you imagine the protesting that would go on if that happened here? Fuck, everything to womens rights to Religions... wow... that could be fun... haha