Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's the end of the year as we know it

So, as promised, here are the year end ‘best of’s’ for 2008 AD. Some of these will feature ‘worst of’s’ as well, depending on my mood. In compiling this list, I surveyed over seven hundred people-some in person, some by phone and some by mail in the form of an anonymous pamphlet. I synthesized the answers and then, using a team of international judges, we determined what (or who) the final winners would be based on a series of complex equations and traditional Greek democratic tabulation methods (at least one of which involved logarithms and one of which involved sucking penises through a hole in the wall). Once our winner list was finalized, we scoured the sleazy side of the entertainment industry looking for publicists who were interested in buying winning slots for their clients. Finally, we got blackout drunk. The last person standing, with the vague knowledge of all that came before in this most complicated of processes, filled out the final winner sheet. I think it was me (but it could have been Akimbe, who is the judge from Ivory Coast. That guy can really put away the Drogbas).
Anyway, I know that the one thing the world is desperately short of these days is year end lists, so, without further ado, I present:

(Trumpets)

BSC Best of 08 List.

Best Genitals (BSC reader submission)
male:
David (age 29)- Cedar Rapids
The gentle slope of David’s balls remind us of why we got into photo submission nudes in the first place. Taken in his back yard, with his jeans at his knees and his Pekinese puppy on a leash, manhandling what looks like the remnants of a slip n slide, this photo really has it all. Congrats, Iowa! You’ve got the best balls!
female:
Nora (age 47)- Orange county
Gotta love a hairy butt! How very un-OC! Here at BSC we thrive on going against the grain, and Nora showed us all just how little she cares for the so-cal buttholesploitation that’s all the rage these days. There’s no asshole bleaching in this bathroom shot, featuring a kids bath in the tub and a burt and ernie bikini top. (It’s also a little bit fucking disgusting to have a hairy ass, eh? …BUT, we didn’t get that many submissions, honestly. In fact, Nora wins both best and worst genitals for her hairy butt crack. Congratulations, and for shame!)

Best genitals (General populace)
B. Kelly- Chicago, Illinois
Never has the world seen such magical balls, incredible buttocks and such a dignified wiener. Congratulations, whoever you are, for decimating the competition, yet again.

Best book
The Hungry Caterpillar.
He ate through absolutely everything! No wonder he had a tummy ache on Sunday night.


Best movie
Buttfuck Sluts with fat butts chugging nuts seventeen
Finally, a return to form! While BFSWFBCN 12 through 16 seemed like tired genre retreads, volume seventeen is an epic tour de force, complete with magical set pieces, sweeping cinematography, humbling vulnerability from the performances and a definite ten on the repeat spankability meter.

Best website (non BSC)
Garfield minus Garfield.
This site is too funny, man. I know it’s already been reported on in the NY times, and there’s a book and all that, but I’m just getting on board. This shit is too much. This Irish guy took Garfield (and Odie and Nermal [fucking Nermal; he’s like the Raven Simone of Garfield] out of all the Garfield strips to expose the loneliness and pathos of Jon, because, let’s face it, cats and dogs don’t talk back in the real world. It’s seriously hilarious, and it turns out that Jon’s kind of a stalker and bipolar. Funny stuff.
Garfieldminusgarfield.net

Best website (general)
Bad Sandwich Chronicles—
The funniest, greatest, most profoundly entertaining website that doesn’t feature gaping anuses. Don’t believe me? Check out the wildly entertaining year end list that was recently posted! This guy is amazing!

Best band
The Lawrence Arms
These guys didn’t even need to do much this year to sew up this award! What can you say about these three studs that hasn’t already been said about Jon Wayne Gacy? They’re from Chicago, they absolutely slay the kids, and they sure know how to wear a mustache. Also, they’re clowns, and bloody (amazing).

Most deserving of hype
Bad Sandwich Chronicles-
This website proved that sometimes the pundits and journalists get it right. From the AP wire to BBC, and everywhere in between, it was as though you couldn’t find a single negative word about BSC in all the media. Kudos!

Most hyped (undeserving)
It’s a tie between some lame pop emo band I’ve probably never heard of and Bud light Lime- Who cares about all this fusion? No one. Also, gross. For both.


Best whiskey
Bookers
In a world of gross Tennessee mash posing as sipping whiskey, and foul, uninteresting bourbons with overbearing cherry flavor, these guys are doing it right. Delicious, smooth and so fucking strong that it’ll peel the skin off your dick, nothing beats Bookers. Haven’t gotten me a Christmas preset yet? How about some Bookers? Thanks!

Best beer
High Life
Although National Bohemian is the greatest beer in the world, there’s no denying that this is the year of High Life. The bottle’s shape and the brew’s drinkibility promote chugging like no other, and it’s also the strongest and least pussified beer of the big name domestics. Save your lectures about flavor and disgusting ‘good’ beer. High Life wins. You knew it would. Get over it.

Best recreational drug
Sparks- It’s not quite a beer. It’s not in any way a pill. But in a strangely delicious way, it’s both! It’s more than both. Is it a drug? Who knows, but the government is trying to crack down on it, so that’s kind of saying something. Nothing gets you going in the morning like a Sparks. Nothing kicks your ass into high gear like a sparks. Nothing like a Sparks, period. Except for a vodka and redbull, which is like sparks for assholes and sluts.

Best perscription drug
Adderal-
It’s like cocaine that you get from your friend who has an uncanny ability to tell a doctor what she wants to hear. This year, Adderal stepped out of the minors and into the big leagues with everyone from Shia Leboeuf to Sherry Shepherd to Clint Eastwood extolling the virtues of crushing up these little pills.

Best Completely Fucked Up Drug
Heroin-
Nothing says “hey, don’t bother coming over, I really have nothing to say or any interest in seeing you” like a nice heroin habit. It constipates you, but it makes the idea of eating disgusting, so everything kind of evens out. With three fun ways to get it into you (and counting!) it’s the easiest, most fun way to completely ruin your life out there. Also, it makes you green, and die. So, you know…caveat emptor.

Best bar (Chicago)
Gingerman-
Dude, this is where Katie works. And she’s cool. It’s also next door to the Metro, and if you want to see the guy that plays the back of Jon Cusack’s head, well, he’s a bartender there too. Also, they’re right by Wrigley and they have a shittable men’s room. Take that LnL!

Best place to fart
In the shower-
Why does it stink so much worse in the shower? Who cares? Just enjoy it.

Best live performance
The Lawrence Arms-
It seems like almost every concert I went to this year was a Lawrence Arms concert, and they were consistently great, whether making inappropriate comments about acquaintances, tumbling into drums or ripping through the hits, these guys showed they have what it takes to rock cocks in 2008.


Best place to drink (non bar)
Outside-
A beer is always better on the porch, walking down the sidewalk, in the back seat of a car, at the ballgame, on the roof, riding your bike…etc. than it is inside. Hmm…

Most common lie told
I love you-
Don’t let them fool you. They just like your car/cd collection/low self esteem and subsequent acquiescence to buttsex.


Best lie told
I AM wearing a condom-
You’ve seen the condom ads that say “the next best thing to wearing nothing at all”? Well, this is better than that.

Best snack (new category)
Jalepeno Cheetos. Holy shit! Why didn’t they think of this sooner? These fuckers are awesome! That’s really all.

Best crossover (unpopular punk music to unpopular blog category)
Um, come on. Tom Gabel. Oh, wait.

13 comments:

John F. said...

We like to say that Sparks makes you feel like Napoleon. Don't tell me that, after a 6 pack of Sparks, you haven't seriously considered conquering the continent.

Joe Costa said...

I was slightly disappointed in this list.

Until the very last one. Ba-zing?

Candice said...

david from cedar rapids- call me. i'm interested.

Crooks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saulio SBJ 123 said...

There's too much to say, but I think you meant to say "What can you say about these three studs that hasn’t already been said about John Wayne BOBBIT?" about the Lawrence Arms...'cause, you know, I hear their wives chop their dicks off all the time and all...and then they star in porn movies directed by Ron Jeremy.

Keri said...

i second the gingerman! AND it's walking distance. suck it L&L with your $2.50 BOTTLES of PBR.

Alex Pel said...

best year end list ever. but High Life will always come in a close second to PBR on my list

Andrew said...

steel reserve bitches

Moos said...

why did you delete my post. i was 100% serious man!

nancy said...

Brendan,
Mike Park's Asian Man email had some nice top 10 lists included in it. He may be competing with you for list-making, keep a sharp eye out.

Sir Cox said...

Brendan, I hate to break it to you but Joose is much superior to Sparks. Seriously, Joose is the Gravedigger of ridiculous conceptual alcoholic energy drinks.

www.drinkjoose.com

Also, apparently they are taking the fun out of Sparks(the guarine, taurine, and other stuff that I'm not really sure what it is).

kylewagoner said...

I'm hoping that the most undeserving emo pop band was to All Time Low for winning best band of '08 like the preteen-fuckers that they are. Fuck me.

Rusty On Wheels said...

Natty Boh is indeed the greatest beer in the world. I was disappointed to find out recently that we Baltimorons do not have it entirely to ourselves.