Friday, December 5, 2008

I need a place to defecate.

There’s not a lot of time today. Fuck, I’m late for work already. It’s Friday and everyone wants a little schlong/clam action over the weekend, right? Well, I’m just gonna list a few of the best places to go to get laid, and let you guys do the rest. Think of the great beej you get on Sunday morning as the last paragraph of this blog.
Okay, here goes:

Prison- There’s no guarantee on this earth more solid than this one. If you go to prison, you will have sex had with you. You’ve been beating off to those movies where one girl is in the middle of the room sucking ten or twelve giant black dongs for years. Now you can be her. Ta dah!

AA meetings- Or sex addict meetings, whatever. Like prison, this is a pretty sure thing. Emotionally fragile people who have most likely alienated everyone close to them are, as a rule, pretty easy to bang. Oh, this is also horribly exploitive and wrong, but that’s for another entry.

The old man bar in your neighborhood- There is, in that bar, a person over the age of fifty who is down for some dirty, dirty times. But which one? Well, here’s a guide: The woman is usually wearing lipstick around, but not on her lips, talking loudly, gesturing with her tall vodka-tonic and sporting some crazily dyed hair. The man is all of them.

Beauty school- These girls/guys are to abortion clinics what gamers are to Doritos, man. When’s the last time you woke up next to a stranger who WASN’T in beauty school (or a former student)? Warning: Straight ladies, there’s no one for you here.

Hollywood- In Hollywood, from what I’ve read in my religious monthly magazines, all you have to do is pull out your dick on the street and someone/something will eventually, like steel to a powerful magnet, just fly right up and glom onto it. If you’re a woman, just stand on a corner looking lost. You’ll be taken care of soon enough.

Thailand- Hey, if you’re rich enough to just go to Thailand this weekend on a whim, you should really be able to get laid right here at home…Unless you want one of those underage trannies, in which case, Thailand (and jail) is probably the place for you.

Hmmmm….Oh, those parks- You know the parks, the ones that are full of creepy dudes in sunglasses from about sundown to sun up? Cheeseman park in Denver, the Lagoon in Lincoln park in Chicago, I think like 80% of the parks in SF…I don’t know the others, but they’re in every town and they’re up there with prison as far as sure things go.
Funny story, well, it’s not a story, it’s more of a situation-- when we were kids, this park (the lagoon in Lincoln Park) is one of the many places we’d go to get high/drink beers, so we’d always be walking around with a bag of weed or a case of beer or a bottle of MD 20/20 or something and of course, we’d be terribly nervous, because we were kids off doing something exciting and without fail, we’d round the corner on some mattress in the woods or some guy sucking some other guy off or just some very polite older gentleman in a trenchcoat waving us over or waving a handkerchief our direction. I bet their parents didn’t know what they were up to either.
Okay, Happy hunting. I’m off to work.


Jarret said...

I never knew the Lagoon was the place around here... well I know where I'm headed tonight


That's dedication, making a post while already late for work. I applaud you, sir.

Sam Tie Blogger said...

Holy shit, that park thing is a national deal? I just thought it was a Cincinnati thing. Weird, I just thought our city was full of gay men that didnt have a good place to bone. Now I know!

Matthew said...

"Schlong/Clam Action" sounds like an old Minus The Bear demo track.

Mikey said...

I like how you made most of this apply to both genders as if women have any trouble at all if they want it.

midwestxeyes said...

the lagoon is quintessential for the underage drinkers on the north side.

Some Young Guy said...

James said...


how do you feel about the new fall out boy album?