Well, last night and this morning were interesting. I lay down around nine thirty (hey, I have a baby) next to a wife complaining of nausea and occasionally running to the bathroom to throw up. After being assured that she wasn’t pregnant, I passed the fuck out as a gentleman of my social stature is wont to do. I woke, at eleven pm, with the following warning screaming in my brain: “You have five seconds until you shit. This is non-negotiable. Try to get somewhere relatively appropriate.”
I made it to the bathroom only to discover that I, like my wife, was the victim of food poisoning (off brand goyzas and questionable sesame oil seem to be the most likely culprits). It was, to put it mildly, brutal. I was pulling the old barf-into-the-garbage-can-while-you-shit-water-into-the-toilet move about every fifteen minutes from eleven to eleven. In that period of time, if my bathroom scale is to be believed, I lost seven pounds. I went through one whole roll of toilet paper and, once I was forced to get up and attempt to take care of my baby this morning, I shit my pants twice. That’s two distinct pairs of pants mind you-- not the same pair of pants shat into two different times. Not that THAT makes it any better. Ugh. It’s been a hell of a day. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to Denver with my family. Until last night at eleven, I was really looking forward to this trip. Now, however, not so much. I don’t know how you pull the old double-headed-sprinkler move in a airplane bathroom, but if I’m still feeling like this tomorrow, I’ll let you know what I do.
It’s funny when you throw up water. That’s when your body is telling you in no uncertain terms to get fucked. Last night, I was so thirsty and dehydrated but every time I drank water, I’d start barfing again. AND, I was doing some serious barfing of water from my ass too, so in a way, I was like a beautiful fountain with two spouts. Hmmm…
Okay, enough of that. The response to the essay contest has been great. I encourage anyone who still wants to write an essay to go ahead and submit one. The contest is going to be open for a while. I believe that I’ve told my panel of judges that I want the final winner chosen no later than March of 2012, so that means you’ve got until March 2011 to get those essays in.
Anything else? Nah. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, check out the post below for an outline of the essay contest. See you guys Monday!