Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Number 8, number 8, number 8

There’s nothing that will so instantly insure that the baby begins screaming more than me beginning to write this thing in the morning. This is a test of the baby broadcast system. Right now he seems happy. He’s developed this interest in talking/shouting, but of course he can’t say anything (he busts out ‘dad’ and ‘dadadada’ on occasion, but even I have to admit that he’s probably not connecting those phonemes to any sort of meaning) so he kind of blathers like a drunk old man from eastern Europe, just screaming these sounds I don’t understand. Another interpretation would maybe be that he’s a little evangelical and he’s already speaking in tongues, but I don’t think he’s that stupid. Anyway, let’s move on.

I’d fuck Oprah. Oh sure, I’ve got a kid and fucking Oprah would violate the trust I have with his mother and ultimately do bad things to his mental health and all that. Okay, fine, you fucking party pooper…I wouldn’t fuck Oprah. Jesus. But it would be great, wouldn’t it? It would be just exactly like fucking your therapist’s big leather couch, if we presuppose that the couch is rich and never shuts up. I think it would be better to fuck Oprah than Tyra (to stay in the rich leather couch that never shuts up category for a moment) despite what some would say about Tyra being the much more attractive giant couch. Tyra is obsessed with herself on a level that even Oprah can’t come close to, and that would make for some pretty bad couch fucking, in my opinion. Of course, since this is hypothetical, my golden rule stands, namely, that you MUST always fuck a famous person if you have the chance, no matter how gross or self obsessed they may be, if for no other reason than at some point in the future, you’ll be sitting there in an airport bar watching an old rerun of Roseanne while you’re waiting for the unseasonable ice storm to blow over Omaha and you can lean over to the old guy next to you in the tinted glasses, point to the screen when Roeseanne walks in and say, “see her, yeah, the fat one? I fucked her. No seriously, we stayed in the same hotel in Fresno once and it just kind of happened. Nah, she had already divorced Tom Arnold. Oh sure it was gross. What do you expect? I’d do it again though.”
It’s a good rule, and it applies to girls too. Here’s how it works for girls. You’re dating some guy and he’s being a cocky dick and he’s treating you like shit in front of his friends and blah blah blah and you pretty much know you’re going to break up with him, well, that’s when you spring “you know, I fucked Lars Ulrich when I was in highschool” on him. Watch Lars Ulrich instantly become his most hated celebrity ever. Oh, he’ll spiral out of control with jealousy that can’t really be confined to either one of you. He’s jealous of Lars because he got there first, but he’s jealous of you because you fucked someone famous and he’s still just dreaming of the day that he’s gonna somehow get the opportunity to strike up that conversation with the chick that played the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond at the Laundromat. Oh, shit man. It’s a great rule. And yes, of course, once you have kids, all rules are out the window. Rules like “I’ll never wipe someone else’s ass” or “I won’t ever wear sweatpants outside” just kind of go out the window. So does “I’ve gotta fuck a famous person if I get the chance.” But for those people without kids, and established deadbeat dads and moms out there, keep it in mind. In the spirit of the morning, here are some people who are famous that I’d have sex with (non hot chicks category):

Grace Jones- Yup, she’s scary. No, I don’t think she’s hot. This is the non hot chicks category, man! I just said that shit. Okay, she’s scary, did we get that out of the way? It’s gotta be like nothing I’ve ever done before. And that’s a good reason, right? Okay…well then, without further ado:

Linda McCartney- She’s got one leg. That’s crazy, no? I mean, not to fetiishize the differently limbed, but yeah…I guess that’s not really the right way to start that sentence since that’s exactly what I’m doing. Well, fuck it then. That’s what I’m doing. Just to tread where a Beatle has dared is not enough, man. I’m not gonna fuck, say, for example…wait, nevermind. I guess that brings us to:

Yoko Ono- She’s gross, for sure, but at a time when he could have banged anyone on earth, from Boutros Boutros Gahli to Liz Taylor, John Lennon chose this crazy bitch. You know what that means? It’s most likely pretty exciting down there.

Bridget the Midget- Speaking of it being exciting down there, here’s a midget porn star. Oh sure, throw your stones. This one’s kind of cheating, since she’s pretty hot, but whatever. I’m just here to challenge your conventions as far as who’s fuckable and famous, so you midget haters out there can consider yourselves served.

Monique- She’s really fat and sassy. That’s a new one for me, honestly. Also black. That would be new too. Did I mention black? Accompanied with fat and sassy, I’m powerless, at least in theory. And don’t start with the “what about Grace Jones, she’s black too?” shit, okay. Grace Jones is from space. Monique is from Maryland.

Dolly Parton- She, along with Pam Grier are both no longer hot but they get a by since they were both SO hot at one time. Now, I don’t want to come off as an asshole saying they’re no longer hot. They both look great for their ages, BUT show your teenaged nephew a picture of Dolly Parton and a picture of Mindy Main and see how hot he still thinks Dolly is. No worries. We live in an ageist society, man. It’s a bummer. Or something. I guess.

Bill O’reilly, Sean Hannity, or Dick Cheney- I would so happily forfeit my heterosexuality just to bang any of these three dudes and then appear on every news channel in the hemisphere and tell everyone all about it. There’s little to no doubt in my mind that Hannity has chugged a cock or two, but he’s just such a prick…the other two, I mean, I’d be revolted but I’d be thrilled just knowing that within an hour, I’d be face to face with Anderson Cooper saying “yeah, the former VP loves it when you spit into his asshole”. Dream come true, man.

Okay, that’s all for today. And just to clarify, the above list isn't a list of 'favorites' or anything like that. Just a slice. Okay, good. I’m going to the fucking gym, where maybe Amber, winner of Rock of Love 2 is still working out, that is if she hasn’t moved to LA to pursue a career in softcore milf porn. xoxo


Candice said...

tyra banks is a horrible human being. i think my dad summed her up best during thanksgiving dinner when he randomly blurted out "i think tyra banks is retarded"

and linda mccartney is dead. necrophilia does sound pretty hot though. definitely better than the amputee sex you'd have with heather mills. just don't forget the lube.

J said...

Candice - I thought the same thing, even now Linda is a better choice than Heather Mills... ick.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't even matter if you have celebrity sex, if your kid ever reads this list...it will do bad things for his mental health.

Farfel said...

This is outstanding material.

I always knew your mind was a bit askew; I just didnt know this fucked up. I wouldnt bang Monique with your cock.

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow should be a blog on your favorite pornstars...Mindy Main is in my Top 5.

Manny Los Gatos said...

B- Can I call you B?

I'm gonna start making bad t-shirts at home and selling them on ebay. I plan to give all proceeds to charity and eat the costs myself. I'm not sure why I'm doing this. I guess to be charitable. Would you mind if I made a Bad Sandwich T? Lemme know.