Friday, July 31, 2009

There's money on the counter and food in the fridge!

Okay, I saw this shit yesterday that I don’t really believe is real. It’s a bubblegum flavored vodka. It tastes EXACTLY like liquid bubblegum. It’s like, the cutting edge in child molester technology. I mean, it tastes like gum, it’s seventy proof, and it’s delicious if you’re the kind of person who thinks drinking gum sounds delicious, which essentially means if you’re six. It’s the greatest innovation to come around the pedophile scene since the windowless van and the nintendo. Good lord. It’s frightening that it even exists. And yes, for the record, I know there are lots of odd flavors of booze out there, like root beer and sweet tea, and I know that sparks and joose and all that shit used youth oriented marketing, but here’s the difference: That shit also appeals to grown ups. People who are adults drink root beer and energy drinks. NO ONE OVER SEVEN CHEWS BUBBLICIOUS. This is a vokda that ONLY a toddler would love. Oh well, the good news is that in about three minutes some kid somewhere is gonna come across a bottle, taste this shit, chug it all, because it tastes like liquid candy, die, and there’s gonna be a huge flap about it. Hey, you heard it here first people. I’m like Kreskin, man.

Last night I was exhausted and we were packing for our trip when suddenly I realized I had “VERY IMPORTANT SHIT TO TAKE CARE OF” before I left. I had to research and procure some custom labels, to be ready by the thirteenth of August. Not really the hugest deal, but since I’m out of town for the next few days, it makes things harder. Well, I sat down to do this, and that’s when I got a call that the mixing of my band’s record was happening in the studio. Again, not the biggest deal, but since I’m gonna be out of town, if I didn’t get down there and throw in my 2 cents, the mixes were essentially gonna be done and ready to ship off before I got back without me hearing them. That’s not really how I roll, so I shitcanned the labels and cruised down there. End result? The mixes sound great and I’m stressing over the labels, which I’ve simply not got the time to get to before I go…I mean, as soon as I’m done typing this bullshit, I have to pack up the car and bring everything that a family needs to succeed in Colorado for ten days. This is one of those jobs that’s impossible to fully kick ass at, because something’s gonna get left behind. It’s the nature of packing and the nature of me. THEN, when it’s discovered that oops! Forgot the baby sunscreen! Well, I’m suddenly dick deep in hearing about how I’m careless, or wasn’t thinking. Being a scatterbrained male in a crisis of organization is not easy, man. I feel like I’m on a fucking tilt a whirl twenty four hours a day.

Jesus Christ. It’s coming to my attention, as I type that due to behavioral problems, I may have to go pick up my kid at daycare right now. That’s gonna throw a real kitten into the gears. I got him super drunk before I dropped him off. I think he’s been telling everyone not to tell him what to do and that they don’t know him and shit like that. Nah, he’s just having a rough week because he’s transferred into the big kids room and out of the baby room. He was a big fish in that baby room, man. He ruled that shit. Out in the big kid room, he’s just another dude who walks like Charlie Chaplin and says “uh oh” every time someone drops something. It’s a rough transition. I hope he’s fucking exhausted when I finally pick him up, because flying with a squirming one year old on your lap is like trying to play the drums with two live fish. It’s hard, and pretty frustrating. Jesus. I gotta stop typing. Shit to do, man. Shit to do.

So, what do you kids have planned while I’m gone? Parties? Rainbow parties? Cool. That should be fun. Um, I found a very interesting website recently…
beexisms.tumblr.com/
I have nothing to do with it, and I don’t know who does, but I think it goes without saying that it’s a definite harbinger of my complete and total domination of the internet. That’s cool at least. Um, what else? Nothing. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone and don’t drive my car. And NO BOYS!!!!!
Okay, I’m out.
XOXOXO

22 comments:

Timothy said...

The thing about packing is that something ALWAYS gets left behind. No matter how scatter brained you may or may not be. That's what keeps those 24 hour walmarts in business. All the poor fools who go there at 3 in the morning cause their wife wont stop giving them shit for forgetting the baby sunscreen.

Jayzilla said...

duuuuude -- 10 days -- meh....

how am i going to survive at work without you .. separation anxiety is already setting in..

safe travels/best wishes

Scott said...

there are much worse places to be stuck than Colorado. unless you are one of those people that can not breathe and gets altitude sickness, then it sucks.

admp said...

This beexisms website is totally blowing my mind. How did we not hear about this sooner? Am I living under a rock?

J.A. Falduto said...

have a great trip

Luke said...

Yeah, have a good one.

Katie said...

Ever have the bacon martini from the Double Down in Vegas? I don't eat (drink) meat so I pretty grossed out by the site of a vodka bottle with bacon floating in it

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

yo dude beexisms rules....

but there are sooooo many more that should be up there....

fo shao!

so i take it ur gunna miss the cobra skulls/menzingers show this sunday :(

watever you lucky bastard, you get to tour with at least one of them.... damn i'm jealous.

Drunken Acorn said...

10 days!! Whats a guy to do. Well I guess I'll just get my friends together, get naked and play Captain Planet.

Shannon said...

I'm gonna have to find something else to kill the time at work now. Well at least until you get back.

Maybe I could work.

Nina said...

I just read a weeks worth of entries right now and the fact that you have an iphone makes me believe I will find you here
http://guyswithiphones.com/

Blogstyle said...

You've probably already crushed it out, but remember, Nebraska is not the worst state to drive through, there's still North Iowa and the Dakota's. Places that haven't even heard of a gyro.

Jahni Mindu said...

"because flying with a squirming one year old on your lap is like trying to play the drums with two live fish"

fuck, i almost pissed myself!
hahaha great line

wilddanimal said...

Now that I think about it, I suspect bubble gum flavored vodka is probably marketed with bimbos in mind. I mean, think about it, who would buy a product like that, and is old enough to buy vodka?

Robb said...

Yes Nina, I'm sure we'll see ol' BK pop up on 'guyz with iPhonez' just any day now. And I assume the bubble-yum vodka is aimed at the niche markets of women that still idolize Paris Hilton in their mid-20's and confused men who aren't real gay men but rather caricatures of gay men.

Robb said...

"OoOoh, that soundz yUuummy!" says James Franco.

Nina said...

my fingers are crossed Robb.

Scott Juniper. said...

Brendan / anyone from Chicago,
I'm heading there on Tuesday for Lollapalooza and some other stuff. are there any good records stores in the downtown area?

G said...

you gotta get in on this twitter thing, meng

planespotting said...

To Scott/Juniper -

Check out Reckless Records.

http://www.reckless.com/

Scott Juniper. said...

to planespotting,

i didn't get that reply in time cause i forgot to check before i left, but i ended up there anyway, and by accident, so that was cool. got some sweet record. thanks!