Monday, January 11, 2010

The greatest, best blog god ever gave the internet: A special.

Hey dicks, vaginas, various herms and mutilatioids, welcome to BSC 2010. You’ll notice some bold new changes around here. Right? Yeah! Fuck yeah! Firstly, no more bullshit. That’s firstly. Second, hitting the gym, and no more pizza and no more Jager bombs! Thirdly, I’m gonna get that novel published and finally, I’m gonna stop procrastinating. Heh. This is actually just a list of generic resolutions for losers that I think are fairly pathetic, but as I type em, turns out I could really stand to benefit from every single one of these. I guess it’s settled. I’m a housewife. Well, that’s fine. I did some pretty cool shit this weekend. I did a little freelance work and I wrote 2 (pretty totally badass) tunes and I saw some footage from my movie, and I finally trimmed up my neck hairs which were making me look a little bit like um…how do I put this politely? A Persian. That’ll do. Also, I served some girls at my bar who were so incredibly shitfaced that they walked in (11AM) having lost their panties, bras and socks. They chugged seven mimosas and two tequila shots each by 2 and then staggered off to get on a conference call. Gotta love sales. What a profession. Seems like I’ve got the credentials to handle doing sales. I’m a smooth talker with a gorgeous dick and the ability to handle seven mimosas. Not that I know if either of these chicks had good looking dicks, mind you. If their dicks were anything like the rest of them, they weren’t so great, but hey, whatever, man. They were having fun. My point is, and I can’t underscore this enough, it’s been a good weekend and generally a good decade so far. I’m pretty happy with everything as it stands. Even the rapture didn’t really slow me down. I’ll keep you posted for when things go officially to shit.
I don’t really have too much on the docket for today, I’ve been recording my aforementioned totally badass songs and I’m gonna hit the gym and then stop by and see the menzingers in the studio. Should be a hell of a time. As of press time, my kid hasn’t bitten anyone hard enough that I’ve received any phonecalls, and that’s cool. Yup. Pretty good day, even if it is colder than shit, we’re stuck in two wars, the country’s bitterly divided, people like Sean Hannity have tv shows…you know what? I was gonna go on and list my litany of things that kind of suck, but let me stop here. Sean Hannity. This dude is not too bright. I don’t say that because I don’t agree with his politics. I say that because I saw a special that he did called “America: the greatest, best country that god ever gave earth.” If the title isn’t just moronic enough, he actually berated a guest who said that America was just the best country god gave earth. Hannity actually responded with something like “oh, well, see, I think America is the GREATEST, best country god ever gave earth, guess you don’t love America like I do.” Now, I’m paraphrasing a bit, but boy…wow. That’s dumb. That’s like stick-your-tongue-on-the-flagpole-as-an-adult dumb. Also, and here’s the big thing: Hannity is so OBVIOUSLY gay. I CANNOT WAIT for the day that they find him chugging bushels of peen in some park district restroom. It’s gonna be the greatest, best gift god ever gave America, the greatest, best country he ever gave earth. Know what I’m saying? Sure you do.
What else? I dunno. I’m getting back into feeding my brain which is so important in order to produce creative output. For the longest time, the only thing I was consuming was garbage on the internet. Now, I’m watching tv and reading and listening to new music and it’s really paying off in terms of my output. Maybe you’re not noticing it here, on the old BSC, but that’s because I’ve been trying to keep the interweb use to kind of a minimum, you know? One second you’re just sitting there answering a quick email on your way out the door, next thing you know, you’ve gotta look at every single page of look at this fucking hipster dot com, and suddenly it’s eleven forty five and you haven’t even guessed any of your muffs for the day. The internet is addictive. Someday, they’ll have a show and they’ll make up some dumb, bullshit index where they’ll place internet addiction up there between sex addiction and heroin, right below cigarettes.
Jesus. This world is so fucking hell bent on quantifying everything and listing and making sure it’s obvious what’s worse and what’s better. I remember when I was about twenty two, my mom called me in a panic and, in order to scare me or something, she told me that getting tattoos was worse than being addicted to heroin. Besides being one of the most patently retarded statements I’ve ever heard, it served to exemplify just how fucking lost in the rathole we’ve become. In what way are those two things comparable? Sure, they both involve needles and they change the appearance of your arms, I guess, if we’re stretching it, but seriously? What’s wrong with us? Must everything be quantified on some grand, all encompassing scale? Now, I’m not trying to come down on my mom here. Fuck, I do the same thing. Even on the day to day level. Like when I’m at a restaurant and I ask the waiter, “what’s better? The double bacon burger or the pear salad?” as though those two things have any relevance to one another. Mark my words, people. This insistence of comparing and stacking EVERYTHING is gonna bite us in the greatest, best dick god ever gave earth one day. Instead of letting things be good or bad just on their own, it’s always gotta be relative. That’s unhealthy. That’s, not to be melodramatic, really the root of racism and sexism and all that shit. Relative worth. Here’s what I say, categorize things. Fine. That’s cool. Like “Ten things that look like Kevin Spacey” or “fun shit to do at the beach” but the actual rankings are for a very specific set of circumstances, like, for example the Olympics or a dog show. Otherwise, save your greater thans and less thans. I mean, except for America, which we all know is the greatest best country god ever gave America, boy! I’ll fucking defend that shit to the death.
xoxoxo

24 comments:

dustyfloors said...

Great blog.
Unrelated question: When do we get to see your sexy dick on DVD from that 10th anniversary show we all had a blast at?

I know nothing about how long it takes to edit this shit & get it all together so I apologize if I'm being a dick in asking at this point. Just curious.

Candice said...

dusty- "sexy dick"?? back away. i saw him first.

Banana@1000MPH said...

when do we get to see your sexy dick on DVD from that movie you keep talking about?

Stizzy said...

"gonna bite us in the greatest, best dick god ever gave earth"

mine?

dustyfloors said...

Candice - I will step down this time. However, I must warn you, I can not make any promises for the future. I mean, geographically I'm in a better position to do anything to his "sexy dick." Just sayin'.

Sean said...

Beex, when do we get to hear your sexy dick in your new songs?

I wouldn't mind having that audio streaming into my ears.

Baker Baker 1-9 said...

I never comment but I'd like to offer up a friendly suggestion: please put spaces between your paragraphs. For the sake of my eyes and other readers eyes. I end up getting lost in text. Thanks.

dustyfloors said...

Solid first comment...

~die~ said...

dustfloors,

I think BK said it's coming out sometime in April.

Moxie. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Moxie. said...

not enough people hate sean hannity, and the ones who do can't possibly hate him enough. (the first time I posted this it was badly spelled and made me look like a complete retard. a bit ironic in a post berating sean hannity.)

Owner Operator said...

when do we get to see your sexy dick on DVD from that movie you keep talking about?


and yes yours stizz, i'm sure that's the dick he was talking about

Candice said...

stizzy's dick is pretty glorious. i've seen the emoticon interpretation of it. very impressive. also i felt it when he popped a boner while i sat on his lap.

thanks god!

God said...

you're welcome

Blake said...

I saw a vagina that looked like Kevin Spacey one time.

Robb said...

Dear God - how come when you would post as Candice's breasts, you never once said anything even remotely funny or clever? Was this actually a scathing indictment of the feebleness of the human mind?

Sean said...

so my friend told me about this ringtone that makes girls' tits bigger...

I have yet to try it, but it sounds like there's potential...

also, some asian dude created it, so it has THAT going for it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiKceqi8bqA

candice, enjoy.

I know we will.

edrzazinski said...

wow, thank you for introducing me to 'look at this fucking hipster'. what a gold mine.

Blake said...

Oh, edrzazinski! Why must you be so far from the times?

edrzazinski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JSIN said...

"You're Wrong if you agree with Sean Hannity"

Candice said...

robb- you're right. i've never had anyone see my breasts and laugh.

sean- listening to tla makes my tits bigger but i think it's just because i get turned on.

moodkiller said...

This was a grea blog. I come here in the mornings as i drink my coffee in hopes of finding a short string of thoughts that make me feel less alone. I find it every time, so thank you sexy dick. This movie you write about, it is a porno right? I keep asking my porn dealer about it and he seems to know nothing of it's release.

Spaces between paragraphs? I say not imortant. If you can't follow a short blog without going cross eyed then your attention span may need a little work. Try reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. I don't think there is a paragraph in the whole book.

Jake Regier said...

My dad was getting me Burger King once, and, as he pulled up to redeem his food, the girl behind the window panicked and said, "Oh my God! Are you Kevin Spacey?"

This means that my dad could also be mistaken for Greg Graffin.