Monday, January 4, 2010

it's the end of the decade as we know it!

Hey welcome back. Did you have a nice vacation? Yeah, me too. Where’d you go? Uh huh. Yeah? Oh. Hey, listen. I really don’t care. It’s just something you idly say, like ‘have a nice day’ or ‘I love you.’ It means nothing. Sorry. I don’t mean to come down on you right now. It’s my first day back, after all. It’s just, well, I was all stoked to do my ‘best of the decade’ list and then suddenly disaster struck. My fucking iphone and my computer are fighting. The phone won’t recognize the computer and the computer won’t recognize the phone. Now, this is worse than it sounds because I plug the phone in and nothing happens. It’s not a situation where I’m getting notifications or anything. It’s just straight incommunicado between these two stubborn mac-born entities. I’ve tried different cords and shit, and I’ve restarted both devices, yet nothing has changed. I’d say this is the first official dick punch of the new decade.
Okay, but, but but but BUT! This decade is better than the last. Know why? Because the last one was terrible and if this one’s not better it’s not really worth living in, and I plan on kicking some major ass in this decade, therefore-it’s better. But enough of sucking the new guy’s dick, right? Let’s send this old bastard off with a little semblance of dignity-

Best of the decade:
Best Office buildings- (3 way tie) The World Trade Center towers 1&2 and 7 World Trade Center.
Man, I don’t know what it is, but these buildings really blew up this decade. It’s like one second people like my dad are just making casual arguments about whether or not the twin towers are taller than the Sears tower, next thing you know motherfuckers are going absolutely NUTS for them. Good on ya, towers one and two (and auxiliary building 7 World Trade Center), you’ve won best office building of the aughts.

Best city:
New Orleans
Say what you want about Venice and its gondoliers. I’ll just go to new Orleans and ride a shopping cart around the ninth ward, thanks.

Best industry:
(three way tie) Music, publishing and housing
Hey hey! How bout that publishing industry? The good news is that no one besides Dan Brown and Danielle Steel have ever made a dime writing books, so all the rest of the literati can now feel justified in working at little Caesars even though they’re ‘published.’ Over in the music world, Kid Rock will now need to get a job at little Caesars and so will I. Also my house is worth less than my car. So there’s that. Hey, if we all chant USA at the same time, maybe that’ll do something? Yeah? Maybe? Cool.

Best racist agenda:
Attacking people for looking vaguely Arab or muslim was a close second, but in the end this award went to Jersey Shore. Hey, guess what happens when you stuff six oiled up dagos into a house down at the shore? Well, turns out that they end up fighting and fucking like ALL twenty three year old kids, but it also turns out that they actually like each other and they’re kind of nice, and yeah they stink like cologne, but realistically, they’re the nicest, best behaved most respectful group of kids that ever got to see what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. I’d rather hang out with Ronny, Pauly D and the Situation et al (and don’t even get me started on Jwow, she’s a fox) than absolutely any other cast of the real world or road rules or any of that shit. These are good little dagos with nothing wrong with them besides massive stylistic disorders, whereas all the other shows like this feature non dagos who are vacuous self centered dildos out to prove how bisexual/conservative/extreme they are. These shore folk all still love their parents, and they cook for each other and take care of each other and share each other’s self tanner. It would be sweet if it wasn’t so dull.

Best Slogan that Completely Fucks Up the Reality of How Completely Fucked the Situation Is:
“Mission Accomplished” was a good one. “Brownie, you’re doin a heck of a job” was another good one. But number one was definitely “Oh babe, no, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I got most of it on your stomach.” In fifteen years, there aren’t gonna be teenaged boys lurking around trying to fuck New Orleans or Iraq, know what I’m sayin?

Best Tattoo:
Have you seen this girl named Adrenalynn? She’s got a tattoo around her (gasp) asshole that says (gasp) “Jarrod’s little fuck doll”. Around her asshole. Around. Her. Asshole. How fucking awesome is that? I’ll save you the trouble of answering. It’s awesome. Good on ya, Jarrod. Also, she’s a tattoo artist and piercer SLASH porn star, which I think means that, you know, since she’s got a job and money and stuff, she just mostly fucks for pleasure, as opposed to cocaine, which means you can feel free to enjoy the scenes too, ladies.

Best Song that Unintentionally Makes the Big Black Dude Singing it Sound Like A Catamite:
“Replay’
Okay, this is hands down the catchiest song of the decade. I bet R Kelly is FURIOUS that he didn’t write this jam. Yeah, it’s reminding me, as I type this that my Ipod is fucked, but let’s leave all that behind for a minute. Iyaz has hit pop gold with this little ditty about how the “shortie” that’s “stuck in his head” is like “the gun to [his] holster”. Wait. What? SHE’s the gun to YOUR holster? Now, I’m new to the whole concept of consensual sex, but don’t YOU have the gun and SHE has the holster? I mean, doesn’t the metaphor work a little more smoothly in that direction? I mean, if you said “I’m the gun to her holster” it would be the exact same rhythm, the same syllables and you wouldn’t sound like “she” has a penis and fucks you up the ass with it. But hey, if that’s what the song’s actually about, well, that’s even better. As is, the song is full of so many lines that are just NOT POSSIBLY what dude is really thinking that it makes me smile. “When I first saw you you were at the mall with your friends, I was scared to approach ya but then you got closer” Really? Iyaz, bro? You were at the mall scoping chicks and you were scared to approach this girl who was young enough to be hanging out at the mall with her friends? With a soulful musical gift like the one you’ve got? Confidence, man. What are you, twelve? Anyway, moving on. “I’m in the kitchen cookin’ things she likes” No you aren’t. Period. You’re from the British Virgin Islands and you don’t cook at all. And finally, “some day I’m’a make you my wife” is just something you say to get laid, ladies. He’s not finna make you his wife. Just like he’s not cooking for you, just like when he pulled you into the windowless van outside the mall, he felt no trepidation to speak of. Iyaz is a player girls, and if you really, really want to be the shortie stuck in his head, you’d better fuck him up the ass like he asks for in the song.

Best Parents:
Me. My old lady. Yup. Prove otherwise. Honorable mention to my parents and my wife’s parents too. What can I say? We know rearin over here.

Best Way to end Decade End Lists
Stopping in the middle of the sentence:
I’ve done this a few times before, which is exactly what makes it the most effective way to

14 comments:

dustyfloors said...

I WILL be fucking myself in the new decade.
Oh wait. I mean fucking myself thin. Oops.

Blake said...

I just moved from Michigan to Iowa to work at Little Caesars. Pretty funny.

Jayzilla said...

"happy new year!"

its just something people say??

welcome back

Candice said...

" It’s just something you idly say, like ‘have a nice day’ or ‘I love you.’ It means nothing."-- absolute gold.

and iyaz is a player?!? i was all ready to start fresh this year and be an iyaz groupie but after hearing this news, i'm sticking to you. sorry brendan.

Sean said...

youuuuu, you got what I neeeeeeed!

Mark said...

But...you say he's just a friend.

Eddie said...

you could also try to connect the computer to your phone via blue tooth. i think you mentioned they're both apple products, and powerbooks/macbooks have blue tooth built in.

Mark said...

Also, good call on the guidos. They DO seem like nice people under all the tanner and hair gel.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Half this list is just you speaking positively about shit that got fucked up.

"Man, I don’t know what it is, but these buildings really blew up this decade." Your genius is showing.

Nina said...

best post

Sickie27 said...

I spent way too much time on Google image searching "Adrenalynn ass tattoo".

Maximilian said...

you should just go to loltaz, they had it a while ago.

Jorge said...

New Orleans is pretty awesome, if i do say so myself. Too bad the Mermaid Lounge isn't here anymore, amirite?

Word verification: Horat. Awesome.

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