Thursday, January 14, 2010

Oh god! you devil!

Man, I’ve been cranking out songs like they’re sneakers and I’m a seven year old girl with real, honest to god motivation to keep working (you know, for the good of the prefecture and all that). I just slayed another one and it’s uh…awesome. Motorheadian, to use the scholastic term. Pretty excited. Here’s a little lesson in songwriting, turds: NOTHING motivates and inspires like success, so if you stumble onto a tune that you’re proud of, you must NOT sit on your laurels and be stoked on yourself. You MUST keep writing. Write the next day and the next day and even that same afternoon. Yeah, it’s rough, because like everything, you’re only as good as the last song you wrote and sometimes it’s brutal to crank out a great song and then just jump back in, but I promise you, that’s the only way to write the really, truly great songs. Now that I’m at 5.5 songs in the can, the pressure is completely off me, and I can do whatever the fuck I want, and THAT, my friends is when shit stops being polite and starts getting real. That’s why there was no entry yesterday, I was writing shit, and you know what? It was worth it. You’ll all be stoked later on. Promise.
Anyway, God sure kicked shit up a notch in Haiti, didn’t he? I guess it goes to prove what we’ve known all along here in the first world: God hates the poor. Sure, he fills the bible with all sorts of references to the meek and the poor inheriting the earth and all that, but those are post dated checks, man. No one’s inheriting any earth, AND even if they were, it’s still a dick slap, because in theory, the rich can live righteous lives and get into heaven and all that too, right? BUT, they also got to be rich while they were alive. That’s better. Obvious favoritism. I mean, you can’t tell me that god would let someone into the great hereafter just because they were poor, right? Like, for example, some rapist who grew up poor isn’t getting into heaven, is he? Just because he was born poor and died poor? That’s kind of fucked up. What’s a rapist’s heaven like anyhow? Just a bunch of nervous women walking around with dead cel phones and it’s nothing but alleys and apartment gangways as far as the eye can see? Unless you go inside and then it’s all keg parties, I suppose. Hmmm. Sounds gross.
Well, it’s rapist heaven. I guess that’s why it’s gross, but see my point? You can’t just have poor people in heaven, just like you can’t keep rich people out if they’re good. That’s not fair either. I mean, as far as I know, the game goes “Be good, go to heaven, be bad, go to hell” and that’s it. And THAT, my friends, means that god hates the poor.
Think about it, when Diddy gets to heaven, not only will he not smell terrible anymore, but he will also be completely at home and comfortable with all the trays of caviar and all the different options for his hi def tv and what to tip the butler and all that. BUT, when the poor get up there (ha!) they’ll be confused as shit. Sure, they’ll get used to it eventually, but there’s always gonna be that lingering thing in the back of their minds, that Jlo thing, where they kind of feel like they don’t belong so they over compensate and end up gaudy and ostentatious, married to a zombie, raising hideous children, jumping off male strippers and falling on their asses all the while wrapped up in a tiny strip of gold saran wrap like some kind of loaf of deli meat, and man, that’s not heaven to me. I don’t want that shit in my heaven, so poor people, sorry. You’re fucked. Listen to god. He hates you.
Well, I suppose technically, he’s killing all those people in Haiti. Some of the most desperate to keep the dream alive would maybe say that god couldn’t wait to get them to paradise, as they were suffering here on earth anyway (Haiti wasn’t all that nice in the first place, you know) but that creates a series of questions: Why not just hook em up in the first place? What’s the difference of a few measly decades in the eternity that is god’s reign? Is dropping boulders on people so they starve to death all mangled in a puddle of raw sewage the coolest way to check these folks out? Is god really that fucking impatient that he needs to shake and terrify everyone? What is he, two?
Look, I don’t know much, but I’ve seen tons and tons of evidence that god loves the rich and hates the poor and almost no evidence otherwise. Also, I’ve seen lots of evidence that god’s a bully, a racist and kind of a petulant cocksucker in general. That’s kind of funny, because it really explains why he chose the envoys he chose here on earth. I mean, oral Roberts? Oral? That’s your name? Oral? Funny thing about oral Roberts: his sister, Anal, was a real bombshell.
Last question: is jesus as much of an asshole as his dad? I mean, he went through that ‘yeah, my dad’s rich and powerful, but I’m rejecting all that, man. I’m kind of a hippy” phase that all trust fund dipshit hippies go through, but then he up n died. Who knows. He might be up there with a smart goatee, hair slicked back in a new suit just laughing around the table with Rockafeller, Oral and Anal Roberts and Bin Laden Senior (a good dude by all accounts that I’ve read).
I dunno, man. I’m going to play the guitar.
xoxox

26 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

climate change and natural disasters don't have anything to do with God, damnit. But you knew that.

Moxie. said...

very few things have anything to do with God and everything to do with humanity... which is the real petulant cocksucker here.

Banana@1000MPH said...

I believe it is "orel" roberts. I only believe that because there was an unrelated TV show called Moral Orel.

Sean said...

Beex, do you know if Chris has also had a streak of song-writing?

Speaking of God (and in this case, his hatred of gays): If your 5.5 songs combines with a Chris' potential 5.5 songs... then you two would be the fathers of a beautiful and sexy love-child.

Sean said...

... and Neil can of course be the druncle.

misshennessy said...

Well said Mr. Kelly, I like where your head is at.
Also, super stoked on some new material from you boys... Hopefully we'll have the pleasure of a new album sooner than later!

<3 Ann

jbody said...

its cool to hear that beex is writing tunes in the vein of night ranger huh?robb...do you get it robb? cause his scholastic...beeeeeeeeeex.sean,are you aware of teddy geiger?

Toto said...

best post of the year so far.
i started writing songs too, the whole thing, guitar bass and drums,also singing(more like screaming) and it's really getting on my nerves,i should stop acting like a petulant cocksucker and get a bassit and drummer already.

Sean said...

yo, i'll play bass for you.

and yea, i know of teddy geiger. i hope your're not one of those people that say I look just like him.

cuz that fucker looks like ME, not the other way around. heh

j said...

"God hates the poor. Sure, he fills the bible with all sorts of references to the meek and the poor inheriting the earth and all that, but those are post dated checks, man."

Solid Fucking Gold...

Robb said...

Roxie needs to be fed, jbody. Hurry - don't be an apathetic pooosy! Anyhow Motorheadian, did I hear you say? Sounds like trouble.
Toto - I'll play the skins for you...sean, yourself and I can do a long distance protools collab...naturally we'll call ourselves 'Milksteak' or 'Birds of War'.

chris said...

does any one in chicago want to play drums in a band?? Ive been looking for a month. by looking i mean doing absolutely nothing.

chris said...

ps all you old alk trio nerds already know me from the bloodpact days and my alkaline trio covers.

the new songs are good. I posted a link to one of them in the sock drawer. Its time to rock. I already got shows.

Candice said...

my dad has been mistaken for bin laden.

also, i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks j-lo's kids are ugly.

JSIN said...

New songs? STOKED!!!

Bridgett said...

I'm in Chicago-ish: I can play a mean tambourine/cowbell if you need a fat chick to draw attention to yourselves.

Toto said...

we may have something here, i use cubase for sequencing and midi programming, i play drums in real life or VSTI, but i'm also a keyboard nerd and a poor guitarist, the thing is that we can send parts separately and start a band, and eventually meet in real life and play a gig for a million people, maybe 2 million, you never know.

Toto said...

it's like 100 degrees in here, i'm off for a cold beer, i'm afraid the weather is turning me into an alcoholic, i mean even more alcoholic.

Sean said...

i heard this one kid wrote a sick song about that acoustic show in St. Augustine last year... Cafe Eleven I believe the venue (coffee shop) was called.

I also heard the same kid doesn't have a full band so . no one will ever hear the song except his disgruntled neighbors in his apartment.

Sean said...

... and Robb, I'd take you up on the offer, except we can only refer to ourselves as "Chin Business," which is sorta ironic because I sadly lack the ability to grow any facial hair.

That, and you clearly are rocking the full "orgcore" beard/flannel ensemble.

Robb said...

I see I worded that oddly, Sean. I meant that you, Toto and I could form the most devastating long distance power trio to ever walk the earth. 'Chin Business' shows promise actually - don't sweat the facial hair; you seem to do alright w/o it...there's far worse people to resemble than T-Gizzle.

..And the shirt in this pic is 100% cotton, silly. I think it's the same I wore in St. Augustine in fact. I'll prove it momentarily

Robb said...

See --->

Candice said...

ahhh brendan is so hot in that pic robb

you and dan aren't too shabby either

Robb said...

I like what's goin on with his hand...I can only assume it's called the cobra

Sean said...

holy shit, my pic is also from that Cafe Eleven show!

How did we not meet? wtf mate?

Blogger said...

I have just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.