Tuesday, January 12, 2010

of wieners and needles (and vaginas and balls)

Okay, so, big stuff on the agenda today. The best stuff, too: sex and drugs. Let’s start with drugs, because, well, because that’s usually how it starts, right? First the drugs then the sex. Especially if you’re a hooker, because then the cocaine keeps you from crying through the whole thing and well, that’s always a plus. Ah, look, I’m getting ahead of myself. Sorry. Okay. Let’s begin.
Drugs:
Mark McGwire just admitted he took some steroids which is shocking (SHOCKING!) to me, and no doubt to the rest of the world. Of course there’s the requisite stink being made and blah blah blah. “How dare he take performance enhancing drugs? What about the children? This calls into question his record” and so forth.
Look, firstly, the dude hit a ton of home runs. You could pump me so full of steroids that my jaw hits my shoulders and my balls turn into tiny raisins, and there’d still be no way I’d ever hit a ball tossed by a mlb pitcher, so there’s that. The dude is amazing. There’s no argument there. “Ah,” some say, “but wouldn’t he have been better if he’d done it without the drugs?” Well, firstly, no. He’d be just as good. Secondly, he wouldn’t have been able to do it, so it’s kind of a moot point, and thirdly, dude, it’s fucking entertainment! It was exciting as shit to watch him and sammy try to hit all those homers AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF SPORTS, YOU FUCKING WIERDOS! IT’S SOMETHING TO WATCH AND BE ENTERTAINED BY. PERIOD!!!!! When people are doing things for others entertainment, they need to fuck with reality to make it as good as possible. When actors play vampires or paraplegics they don’t really grow fangs or saw off their legs. When porn stars do anal scenes they don’t eat for days and then use enema bags to insure that they don’t shit all over the place. Is that cheating? NO! It’s what’s necessary to keep shit entertaining. Sure, sure. Steroids are bad for you. So’s using enemas and starving yourself! So’s smoking for a role or gaining or losing weight for a role or driving a fucking car around in a circle at two hundred miles an hour, or locking yourself in a glass box over central park, or eating as many horse penises as you can while Joe Rogan cheers you on. It’s all bad for you, man. Entertainment is built on the suffering of entertainers. That’s the WHOLE THING ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT!!! This is, also, an industry standard. Like it or not. We, the crowds, have demanded more exciting baseball and the result is we’ve got all these hopped up players who are doing whatever it takes to get their bodies into the shape it’s gonna need to be in to satisfy our outlandish expectations.
Finally, there are those who would say that it sets a bad example for children. To those people I would offer the following two pronged rejoinder: A) don’t be such a pussy, and B) Look at the fucking world you live in, man. There are women having sex with golden retrievers on the internet and your kid HAS SEEN IT! YES SHE HAS!!!!! If some guy using every advantage available to get ahead, make a name for himself in a cutthroat field and ultimately walk away a multi millionaire is the worst of your worries, well, you should also worry about George Bush, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Sunny Bono, Brad Pitt, Marilyn Monroe, etc. etc. Save the manufactured, mock outrage, please. The dude looks like the Thing. Of course he’s juicing, man. Jeez.
Now, onto the sex. Ashley Dupree, or “Eliot Spitzer’s whore” as she’s affectionately known, was on howard stern today to talk about, among other things, her allegedly gorgeous vagina. It sounds, from all accounts, that she’s truly a gifted sex worker, and good for her. Prostitution is an important service and it sickens me that it’s so stigmatized. Getting laid is an instinctual need. When people can’t get laid they act out in creepy and sometimes dangerous ways, much like when people can’t eat or sleep.
ALSO, being attractive and/or good at fucking is not something that everyone can pull off, SO, therefore, we’re talking about a specialized skill with definite demand and ancillary societal benefits. What’s the fucking problem? It’s bad because it involves pussies?
Actually, there are two big problems: The unspoken male problem with it: Because it encourages a sort of brazen feminine sexuality that’s not necessarily tied to wanting to be with just one man.
And the oft repeated feminine problem: It’s objectifying and indicative of women’s lack of choices in this phalocentric economic society and it’s soul crushing and blah blah blah.
Look, yeah. In a perfect world, everyone could just get laid. Hell, in a perfect world everyone would be good looking and no one would starve and every place on earth would have a snowy winter and it would last four days, BUT this world is ugly and gross and there’s no chance at that, so here’s the thing: Men are afraid of brazen women, because women can SO EASILY get laid. The woman that doesn’t want to be tied down CANNOT be tied down, be she rich or poor, because there is ALWAYS a dude out there, right around the corner, ready to fuck her. This makes dudes crazy, but guess what? In the words of Bruce Hornsby, that’s just the way it is, so sack up, you fucking babies.
As for the whole thing about lack of choices and objectification and whoring and all that, well, I serve sandwiches to assholes at a bar. In my alley right now, garbage men are taking garbage bags of my baby’s shitty diapers from the dumpster to their truck. My friend unclogs toilets for a living. My other friend sits in a cubicle and makes graphs she couldn’t give two shits about. There are a lot of jobs out there that blow and make you feel like your soul is being sucked out of you. And yeah, sure, being a whore may be one of them, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an important and worthwhile job. Sex is fucking important people. Pretend it’s not. Go ahead. Deny your DNA. See how that works for you. Ten times out of ten it’ll bite you in the ass a lot harder than not getting a haircut or a sandwich or a timely graph made, that’s for sure.
Okay, I’m done. I just thought I’d throw this out there real quick. I’ve gotta get my kid into some new daycares. Ta ta.

17 comments:

Andrew said...

i completely agree with everything. i've had the same stand on steroids throughout this whole ordeal. Sports = entertainment. homeruns, strikeouts, stolen bases = exciting. so sure mcgwire and bonds and clemens all juiced. i'm sure there are an equal amount of pedro gonzalez's out there who used steroids for just as long and didn't do shit in their careers. so are you gonna deny some of the best players in mlb history the respect they deserve? i think bonds is an asshole, but he hit more homeruns than anybody in a season or a career. fact.

dustyfloors said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dustyfloors said...

I love how people get all crazy about the steroid thing but honestly lets think about how many of the pitchers that were juicing as well. I'm sure a good amount of times it was a level playing field. So he broke a record. That makes it worse, I guess.

P.S. There should be an edit button for these comments.

Banana@1000MPH said...

it sounds like you got busted with a hooker or something...

Nico said...

man, every post of 2010 so far have been gold.

Kevin Burnett said...

I'm not sure how I feel about steroids. My gut instinct is that it makes for a better game if no one uses performance enhancers because it becomes a testament to what the human body can do and the importance of hard work and dedication.

Sports wouldn't be all that exciting if every fat pizza gobbling jerk off like us could apply some ointment to our sacks and become a superhero. Obviously athletes on the juice are still working hard, but you get the point.

On the other hand, just like brendan said..we created the monster. We buy our cable packages and our tickets and our OchoCinco jerseys because we want to be entertained, and they certainly do entertain us. And professional sports are for profit organizations, so maybe just fuck it all and let 'em juice up all they want. Until someone kills themselves for their career. I don't know. Don't we all do that anyway to some extent? Good topic.

Candice said...

i am proud to be a brazen woman and sex is crazy important. unfortunately, the closest i've gotten in the last few months is seeing a 72 year old man's uncircumcised penis and an elderly lady with dentures in her rectum today.

also, fuck mcgwire. maris is where it's at.

Sean said...

candice.... wtf? lol

Candice said...

times are tough sean. and i'm trying hard not to bang one of the doctors i work with.

shouldn't shit where you eat. unless it'll get me a good grade.

Jimmy Collyer said...

I don't know if you've seen this but it's awesome http://thenorthelevation.blogspot.com/2009/12/listen-homeless-man-covers-radiohead_17.html

dustyfloors said...

Oh. Beex. I'm pretty sure I saw a commercial preview for "Check, Please!" on WTTW 11 (The Chicago Public Broadcast System for those not from here) and your buddy Chris was on it. Can you confirm this? I swear it looked just like him! I'm going to DVR this to investigate further. Thanks in advance!

Bridgett said...

Uh oh. Did the biting increase? There's gotta be a daycare around Chicago called Biters-R-Us.

PS: Please confirm what dustyfloors wrote.

JSIN said...

Juice it up Juiceheads. Juice it up.

chris said...

come on candice. bone bone bone. you could find someone to fuck you any time of any day.

Candice said...

i'm sure i could find someone to fuck me but i'd like to also want to fuck them. i'm picky like that.


but don't worry about me, things are looking up. today i had my fingers in a vagina that wasn't my own. much better than the old man dick and dentures in the rectum that i had to deal with yesterday.

Capt Murdock said...

The reason people care about things like Mark McGwire taking PEDs and Andrew WK being a fraud is because of passion. They build a personal connection (right or wrong) with these things and then feel slighted when they are viewed as less authentic. Even if you try to take baseball and music at face value people will inevitably be sucked in and build deep personal connections to both. Its a pretty simple concept.

You can't equate baseball to American Gladiators. It just doesn't make sense.

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