Monday, January 25, 2010

of mice and brens

Good morrow, turdlets. Welcome to another week of mindless drudgery. It’s days like this when we should all take the time to reflect on…no. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’ve got a heavy heart. You’ll have to forgive me. I mean, you all know why, right? You know what I’m referring to, don’t you? I mean, it was devastating…well, to all of us frankly. What do you mean you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about? Okay, fine. Fine.
Ahem.
Last week was a pretty rough week for Brendans everywhere. Now, there are a lot of us, mostly in Ireland, sure, but there are sprinkles and pockets of Brendans everywhere, and granted, we don’t have a lot of celebrity Brendans out there, but there’s a few. I mean, there’s Brendan Canty, drummer of Fugazi, there’s me, and I mean, I’m not really famous, (but I’m more famous than that prick kid Brendan Houser who punched me in the stomach and stole my toy semi truck when I was five), and of course there’s the actor Brendan Kelly, who, presumably knows who I am, as we share a wikipedia signpost.
So, well, you get the idea. There’s a few mildly notorious Brendans. Not a lot. Not like Seans or Charlies or Brads. Nah. There’s just a few of us and we don’t really clock in very high on the celeb meter. For that matter, I can only think of a couple of other Brendans I’ve ever met. I have an in-law cousin once removed named Brendan (what’s up, lil B!). He’s probably the best Brendan I know, and he’s followed by Brendan Kelly the guy who’s an actor but not me, and also not the actor Brendan Kelly that we were just talking about. He’s just a guy from Chicago who acted in my movie and made all the email threads confusing as shit.
There’s Brendan Houser, who I knew as a kid, and who, as I mentioned before, stole my truck, and there’s a guy named (I’m not shitting you here) Brendan Dickout (that’s how it’s pronounced, at least. DICK-out) who played guitar in some crappy band that we toured with once. That’s pretty much it, Brendan wise. I mean, once I got called to the gate at the Milan airport only to realize that it was the flight to Dublin calling another Brendan Kelly. That was pretty funny, but you get the point. There’s not a lot of us.
When someone yells “Chris!” around my friends named chris, half the time they don’t even turn around. If someone yells “Brendan!” it’s about ninety percent that they’re talking to me (though lately there’s a lot of moms yelling at about 8 yr old Brendans all around me and my kid when we’re at the zoo and shit like that, but anyway, that’s neither here nor there.)
Okay, so, in this tiny little club, the Brendans, we have one big, grand puba of a leader, and I’m sure you all know who he is. That’s right, the Encino Man himself, B Fray, the biggest Brendan out there, Brendan Fraiser. Generally, I’d say he’s led us with dignity and aplomb by keeping our shared name classy as the marquee star of such kick ass cinema as Airheads, School Ties, Monkeybone, Bedazzled, George of the Jungle, In the Army Now, the Mummy franchise and of course Blast from the Past.
His blank, oafish affability helped me define my own idea of Brendandom when I was a mere pubeless, personality challenged weakling out there on the soccer field trying in vain to not look like a sissy as people hurled variously shaped balls in my direction. Yes, the Fray really piloted his ship of Brendans calmly through the nineties and aughts, and we all went to see all his wonderful movies in exchange. But then, last week something terrible happened.
I mean, what was he even DOING at the fucking Golden Globes? Was he nominated for his role in GI JOE:The Rise of Cobra? Because, well, he was great in it, sure, but we brendans are kind of used to the Hollywood foreign press turning up their noses at BeeF’s work at this point. Anyway, I digress. Point being, right there, on camera, when Deniro and Scorsese were having a moment, as Marty (as I like to call him) was being presented with the Cecil B Demille award by Bobby (as he’s colloquially known) suddenly, the camera shot to BeeF as he’s pulling this retard clap and slap, mongo guffaw combo that seemed so classless and gauche coming from the thespian that had absolutely vanished into the role of Dudley Do Right and melted us when he reprised his famous “Link” character from Encino Man in Pauly Shore’s Son In Law.
Gone was that gravitas. All that was left was a tubby shell of a once great actor who had obviously snuck into the Golden Globes, clapping, chuckling and vibrating like an inbred Georgia orphan watching a dog fuck a goose down by the crick out back.
It was rough.
THEN, Joel Mchale picked up the footage and played it over and over and over and over again on the Soup. It seems like it’s going to become some sort of recurring joke. Our dignity is gone. Thanks B Fray. Thanks for the humiliation, but you know what else? Thanks for everything. Really. You’ve been a great most famous guy with my same first name. BUT, times are changing, and you’ve gotten soft, and, well, it seems like we need a new “most famous Brendan in the world” now. I better leak that sex tape.
Sigh.

18 comments:

chris said...

wow. these are the ramblings of a mad man!

Sean said...

Hahaha love the tag! and we dont have many famous sean's.... however i believe our leader (sean connery, of course) is a little better than B Fray... just sayin'

Banana@1000MPH said...

I love this because that is literally the only thing I'm aware of happening at the Golden Globes at all thanks to a remix with Holla Back Girl playing behind it.

The eyebrow raise/point is clearly the high point.

j said...

isn't the guy that runs What would Tyler Durden Do a Brenden? or is it brendon? Is that the same thing? Do Brendons count? How about Brendans? what do you think the ratio of Brendens to Brendons to Brendans is? Im guessing 1:2:5

Nick said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Om9FdCPH9k

For those of you that missed it.

Trace said...

At least you don't have the same first name as Trace Adkins, that motherfucker has been pissing me off for the longest time.

Just yesterday I was ordering food somewhere and after the woman asked for my name she said ,"Oh, like Trace Adkins?" which i told her was unfortunately true, then she told me some story about how she used to listen to him when she was going through her divorce but now she can't stand him.

At any rate, those exchanges never cease to upset me.

Banana@1000MPH said...

Nick's video is fine, but this is the proper version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q03BlD22-NQ&NR=1

the one with a comment by someone asking "why does that bald guy keep walking back and forth while Brendan is dancing?"

Dave said...

"The Situation" appeared at a club in town (St. Louis) over the weekend. There was a palpabl buzz around town. Even the lady in the cubicle next to me, who likes Nickelback, was talking about it.

Bridgett said...

I have about 3 or 4 famous people with my name (never spelled right) and the one that people always remember is that goddamn Amazon woman that fucked Flavor Flav. And I think there's equally embarrassing things that she did/fucked but I'm too young.

Blake said...

Blake Lively.

JSIN said...

Blast From The Past

Ha!

oliver said...

Oh come on! He was in Gods and Monsters where he was raped by Ian McKellen while wearing a gas mask! Let him have his stupid clap! Jeez!

hswell said...

Hey-- there's a BK in the writing credits of 'Weeds', maybe you should claim that?

mad_adam said...

Juggalo movie....

http://videogum.com/archives/trailer/this_insane_clown_posse_movie_111141.html

Donnie said...

I was worried you were going to leave out Dudely Do Right

Jorge said...

I could only think of one famous person who shares my name, Jorge Luis Borges.

However, when I googled "famous people named jorge" the first hit was "famous people named george." Thanks google, but I think I spelled it right the first time.

egodiego said...

My friend's little brother, Michael Bolton, has had rage issues from an early age. Fortunately, he was able to find solace in Office Space fairly young as well.

laurabm said...

aw, he's special. maybe he was brain damaged recently in a car accident that never made the news (since the popular "celebs" seem to be those fucking scum from jersey shore)
at least he's conscious enough to wear an aids awareness ribbon.
weezin' the juice. ah, i miss pauley shore.