Friday, January 15, 2010

I smell gunpowder...

Man, last night was my friend’s birthday party. It was at a bar and I showed up, had three beers over the course of about two hours and then went home because I knew I was gonna have to be up early today with my crazy child eating monster. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m becoming responsible or something. It’s terrifying, to put it mildly, but I’m getting to the point where reading sounds like more fun than going out and whipping my dick out on the table at a bowling alley. What’s happened to me? I used to be beautiful, man. Sigh. Well, you know what they say, right? Do you? I don’t either. Ha! Take that. There’s still a little irreverence in me yet. I’m not memorizing tired old adages about getting old and slowing down. No siree. Save that shit for your great aunty, am I right? Good. Okay, moving on.
Did you hear Pat Robertson? He let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, on this whole Haiti thing. Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Pat Robertson is a decrepit old assbag that preys on dumb people who are foolish enough to send him money when he tells them stories about people rising from the dead and walking on water and hating gays. He’s been doing this for years. He’s up there with Anal Roberts and Jerry Falwell (not literally, because, you know, they’re both up in heaven, presumably, with all their 21 virgins and all that, and pat Robertson’s down here overtly cavorting with his saggy old wife [I’m assuming he’s got one of those] and secretly with gay slaves and all that, none of whom are virgins, but we’re really getting off the point)…uh, oh yeah, he’s up there with falwell and Roberts in terms of being a manipulative genius/prick that’s made millions of dollars just begging from people. Howard Stern recently referred to televangelism as ‘one gigantic homeless jar’ and he’s right. You’re better off spending your money watching that guy that’s painted silver down by the shore come to life for a second than sending it to these dipshits. Check out the suits. Those are nice suits. Know who bought these assholes these nice suits? YOU, you fucking mouthbreathing reatards (rip).
Anyway, sorry. I get emotional when I talk about these guys, because lord knows I have a healthy hatred for a huge percentage of the world and I can make up bullshit fairy stories and pass judgment haphazardly with the best of them, but I’m not a millionaire, buying thousand dollar glasses and cufflinks with people’s similac money in exchange for empty promises about mansions in the clouds and a world without gays. Sheesh. I need to focus my energy. I bet falwell was already living in a house with an indoor pool by the time he was my age. Sad. That’s what I am. Just unmotivated. Where’s MY jesus, man? You know?
Anyway, so you get the idea, Pat Robertson, genius, man of faith, got a hotline to god, uh…wealthy, and host of a show called the 700 club. Recently on this show, he let us all in on the bombshell: The people of Haiti made a contract with Satan (‘this is true’ he paused here to interject) and now it’s biting them in the ass.
Let’s pause here to reflect on the fact that a GROWN MAN who’s supposedly a spiritual leader said this on television.


Are we good? Okay. Firstly, dude, Haiti is one of the most overwhelmingly Christian nations on earth, clocking in at over 80%, so well, I guess at least you guys are talking about the same satan, right? Of course, man. Only one devil. Thing is, not a very cool way to shepherd your flock through what may very well turn out to be the greatest natural disaster of your lifetime, P Ro. Kind of leaving those Christians in a lurch, or you know, buried under tons of rubble, just figuratively, of course. Secondly, let’s just assume that there is a satan, and that he’s cutting deals with people. I know. I know. Just bear with me for a sec. They’re estimating half a million dead in Haiti, right? Yeah, that’s the sensational, yellow journalist high number, but let’s take that as fact too. AND, let’s just say that those are the ONLY people in Haiti that signed the deal with satan, kay? Okay. Good. Now, show me exactly how the fuck you get half a million people to come together and agree on anything at all, much less enter into a contract? I mean, fuck, dude. They don’t have hospitals and pipes in Haiti. Much less free wifi and town square flat screens. What’s satan doing, cuz I could use some promotion for my band and my blog and all that, and he seems to really know how to galvanize motherfuckers, even the poorest and most marginalized and fucked with of people, so good on him, I guess. Good on ya, satan!
Sheesh.

You know, the ambassador from Haiti was asked to respond to this statement, and he pointed out Haiti’s role in the development of the US, their integral role in the Louisiana purchase and so forth, and said something to the effect of ‘after all we’ve done as neighbors, this is how you’re talking about us when our dicks are in the dust?” Now, that’s a decent answer, but I would have rather seen him say “you know what? I’ve got a massive city in ruins, I’ve got dead and wounded on a level that I never thought I’d see, and I don’t give a fuck what some dumb, ignorant hillbilly has to say right now. There’s real shit going on, man.” That’s what we need in this world, a little more angry dismissal. That way, we don’t have to be subjected to, for example, two weeks of replays of Imus calling those chicks nappy headed hoes. He’s a fucking retatard (rip), man! He’s gonna say dumb shit. That’s what reatards (rip) do, man. Move on.
God. I’m so fucking sick of all the outrage. Sack up you fucking pussies!

31 comments:

Mikey said...

That's two genius entries in a row. You're on a roll.

Candice said...

you are still beautiful.

Robb said...

Holy shit; referring to Pat Robertson as P Ro deserves accolades on its own. That turd generates douche chills on a daily basis

planespotting said...

That comment (and others like it made my like-minded "Christian" folks in the US) are in the exact same vein as Imams/Muslim clerics in the Middle East calling America "The Great Satan."

Which basically puts Pat Robertson in the same light as terrorists.

So, I think I can say, unequivocally, that Pat Robertson is a terrorist.

Kevin Burnett said...

When I read the bible and try to pick the fact out of the fiction, I always end up coming back to one thing.

Jesus, regardless of what christians believe he was, spent most of his life serving other people.

If being a christian was just about serving and helping other people, it would a pretty righteous thing.

Unfortunately, 2000 years of dickheads like Pat Robertson have turned one regular every day dude with some decent ideas about how to treat people into something ugly.

Oh well.

dustyfloors said...

I've seen the commercial again. I'm almost 100% positive it's Chris on the new "Check, Please." Today at 8pm on WTTW11 for those in Chicago and interested in where Chris loves to dine in the city.

Mark said...

Well, I'm with Coco.

Drew Brooks said...

And a total fucking douche, don't forget total fucking douche. And don't forget about Rush Limbaugh encouraging people to not donate money to help the people of Haiti. He want's that money to come to him so he can buy pain pills.

Ryan said...

In other news, I bought a sparks the other day at a liquor store in the south suburbs, apparently they are still around. Needless to say it was great.

JSIN said...

"P Ro"

Ha!

Jesus said...

Woud the rel Jesus buy a botttle of capn morgns at 11 and be drnk becuz i did!!!

colllllleeggggggge!

bert said...

so... totally unrelated... my girlfriend and i met through the sock drawer: pt deux (y' know... the insubordinate offshoot of your comment section)... a big high five to you, brendan... anyway, we recently got a cat, who we named "beex" in gratitude to you... this kitten (who landed in my lap quite literally christmas eve) is quite a hellfire and, while quite loving and tender at times, is tearing up the place... chewing on my elbows at 3 am to be fed and such... i was just wondering if this behavior is inherited by name? regardless, a big thank you. you are quite the unintentional matchmaker. we wanna send you a fruitbasket or something. in any event, the bad sandwich one-sies for yer kid were my idea.

kylewagoner said...

You know, I've had a really nice decade so far, too. I've actually been following my resolution of not being online so much, which is why it's taken me so long to catch up on all of your stuff and on my own...but it feels good to like...go be with a girl in person than talk to her from 7 PM to 3 AM every night. That's neither here nor there, but I've loved every post so far this year, save maybe the one about the rapture, though it serves as a good reference in other posts. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm 18 now.

love,
Kyle

Candice said...

i met my future ex-husband through the sock drawer.

love you stizzy

xoxo

Nick said...

Dude, I hadn't heard Wyclef's "Gunpowder" in more than a decade. Thanks for reminding me about that song!

Also: rip jay reatard

Sean said...

i met my future husband through this blog...

Beex, wadyasay?

Candice said...

sean- consider this your warning

dan said...

"RedScareToby:

Holy moly, Chris McCaughan of Sundowner/TLA is going to be on Check Please at 8 tonight! Tune in, Chicago!"

So yeah, dustyfloors.

Robb said...

By all means - someone feel free to dvr that and make a youtube vid

Sickie27 said...

Speaking of meeting people... I started dating my now ex because of this blog. Particularly, the blog about my jizzed up titties. I also met a few of my future exes through the Sock Drawer. You pretty much are the ultimate accidental matchmaker.

Sean said...

candice - we can always share. The three of us. I promise not to touch you as long as you promise not to touch me.

Robb - were you at that Cafe Eleven show in St. Augustine uhhhh last year? Your profile picture.... Beex is wearin the same shit as in mine.

James said...

The video with Chris on Check Please is up on their website. http://www.wttw.com/main.taf?p=1,5

Candice said...

james- thanks for the link

sean- shotty penis.

Toto said...

i love that guy. chris must be the greatest person i never got to meet.if i had an atom bomb at home i would definitively lend my keys to him, there is no one that would take better care of an atom bomb than chris.
i'm drunk and i can't sleep, i got beaten up an hour ago by 2 guys and now i'm writing about chris an atom bombs,i'm so fucking stupid i cannot stand it anymore.
i'll stop drinking.i promise.

Toto said...

just to let you know,i've got a broken nose now.never get into a fight, at least not in argentina,everybody goes straight to the nose punch.not fair while drunk.

jbody said...

sparks is definitely still available,not in a clandestine way or anything not like "my cousin can totally get you ludes,sparks and the original powerglove",just at stores and shit.Did I snap that photo of y'all robb?jesus dan,cant you just commit to an unfunny hand gesture like your more charismatic bro?

Mark said...

Chris is such a handsome motherfucker. God damn.

Robb said...

Oh I was THERE, Sean. I saw it all. Our pics were prob taken about two minutes apart. I think that was before we really knew who one another were from stink drawer. BUT, we met but didn't meet. I think. According to testimony I DID have a brief interaction with "a guy in a flatliners shirt". We'd been drinking at a nearby shitty bar before so I was already a little toasted...we were sitting at one of those patio tables before the show and apparently said guy walked by and I drunkenly pointed at the shirt and grinned and apparently this person thought I was making fun at first and I had to clarify that I "just liked it". So that was prob you. I mean cmon how many flatliners shirts are out there? Ohhh world!

Jbod of course you snapped this pic; John's pics are always inexplicably blurry even on autofocus and Adam has that weird faggy reluctance to document anything that will yield a happy memory for someone - so yea

Sparks stuck around but they neutered it - took out the caffeine, taurine and some other shit...the others like tilt and joose still have caffeine

Banana@1000MPH said...

chris kicked the asses of those other people on check please - metaphorically. They metaphorically had to suck his recommendation dick.

Sean said...

Robb - that was YOU?! holy shit! I remember some dude with a beard pointed at me and said "good band!" I was just so confused/drunk/sleepless that I was actually running to my friend's rental car to get more 5 hour energies/olde english.

I remember going back into the place and telling my friend "hey, I think there's some dude out there that also enjoys the flatliners, we should ask him for a place to crash tonight."

Needless to say, we never did actually talk to you, and ended up sleeping in her rental car...

Small world?

NachoP said...

This dude is right:
"Keith Olbermann's Quick Comment about Haiti, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-PEaWUduCM "