Friday, January 8, 2010

Repent!

That actually wasn’t so bad, that rapture. What WAS bad was the people in the daycare showing me the black eye on the kid that my kid bit this morning and me missing an important business call from Germany because of it. Now, I’m feeling like a bad business partner, and like I’m directly responsible for this strange looking one year olds black eye, and in a very real way, I guess I am. I produced a beast. Also, I’m listening to TV on the Radio like I’m some dipshit that drinks manhattans and reads spin while wearing stripedy sweaters, and you wanna know the worst part? I’m kind of liking it. That song DTZ is pretty awesome. The rapture has taken quite a toll. Jerry Falwell was right. I feel like everything is topsy turvy.
What’s going on out there? Joblessness is at an all time high in the US. Artie Lange tried to kill himself and it sounds very gruesome and sad. Fred Phelps has his sights on Lady Gaga. Uh, some girl that was dating Tila Tequila died. Jersey Shore is getting renewed. This is the end of times, people. Really. I’m gonna get a sandwich board and go stand on the corner and tell motherfuckers to start kissing each other’s asses goodbye, because frankly, well…it’s a better job than the one I’ve got now. Work outside, meet people, make your own hours, you can have your dick hanging out if you want to. It’s cool. AND, it’s a valuable public service. People need that kick in the balls on the way to work so they can sit there at TGIFridays, over their 550 calorie steaks and say “didja see that poor bastard with his dick out by the North/Clybourn stop with the sandwich board that said ‘kiss each other’s asses goodbye, motherfuckers, because the end is nigh’? What a nut! Hooo. Takes all kinds, I guess. (to disgruntled waitress) Hey sweetie, how bout another Rum Runner?”
A little old fashioned heralding of the end makes everyone feel like they’re not the craziest bastard out there. AND, when the end doesn’t come, as, well, it hasn’t, then suddenly everyone gets yet another reason to feel superior. And they kind of pity you. That’s why you never set a date for these things, fellow heralders of doom, because then, once that day comes and goes, no matter what happens, you’re out of a job and you’re just like the rest of the dipshits out there, worrying about how the fuck you’re gonna pay the bills, continue to socialize in your circle, keep your kid in that daycare with all the other delicious kids. It’s a fucking ratrace, I tell you, and no one is safe.
Fuck. Germany is calling me back. I’ve got to go. Have a great weekend and say hi to your mom for me. HA! I kill me.
Okay, bye. I didn’t even get to what I wanted to talk about today, which is a bummer. Oh well, see you Monday.
xoxox

15 comments:

teabag3737 said...

That "blizzard" was pathetic, it didn't even kill any old people.

planespotting said...

Your kid bit me too. He's a maniac.

dustyfloors said...

That 'winter storm watch' was a real cock tease. Just enough to make sure my car slides all over the streets though, so at least it was kinda fun.

JSIN said...

Rum Runner

Andrew said...

did you see the commercial for the taco bell diet? yes sir, the world is most definately coming to an end.

Dr. Karl Navore said...

the taco bell diet is a sure sign of how really stupid we all are

Robb said...

The best thing about that TB drive thru diet, aside from the obvious oxymoron, is how I'm pretty sure it's just their 'Fresco' menu items--which have been around fucking forever--being marketed under a new banner

Maximilian said...

business phone call from germany? please tell me you're planing a tour here..... PLEASE

Banana@1000MPH said...

you already have a sandwich board...a bad sandwich board. How bad was that joke?

Mark said...

Did I read "delicious children" correctly?

misshennessy said...

Wow, how did a biting incident produce a black eye. You kid is a badass!

sheila said...

I called my mom and told her you said "hi". she says hi back. and she wears that godawful shirt that bears your mug... with pride nonetheless. not because she likes you or even knows who you are for that matter (i've attempted to explain several times, but i'm pretty sure she still has no clue)...har har. she loves the shirt, though.

Samuel said...

"I’m listening to TV on the Radio like I’m some dipshit that drinks manhattans and reads spin while wearing stripedy sweaters, and you wanna know the worst part? I’m kind of liking it"

You just described me to a tee, sweater and all.

By the by since you mentioned Manhattans, what whisky would you say makes the smoothest Manhattan?

Sean said...

I was visiting my girlfriend in the city the other day, and the lawrence arms really hit the spot when traveling on the El.

Thank you Beex for making such good music for wintertime Brown line traveling (just to name one thing that it complements well).

Ryan said...

Is it true you may be getting your Yankee arses over to the isles of Ireland?